• Member Since 10th Jun, 2014
  • offline last seen Sep 24th, 2014

TheSundewOrder


Hello there ponies! I'm new to this fan fic thing... but I love MLP:FIM so much that I just couldn't help myself. Questions welcome /)*(\

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When a teenage Mac gets invited to visit his cousin Gaff in the capital city of Canterlot, he doesn't think much of it. After all, it's only three weeks and soon enough he will be back in his comfortable state of working in the fields and taking care of his sisters and grandmother. Much to Mac's dismay, however, these three short weeks turn into memories for a lifetime, filled with unprecedented friendships and confusing loves. And, for all intents and purposes, this is how a shy young foal named Macintosh becomes the much-loved Big Mac.

NOTE: this story happens after the events in the comic series, issues #11 and #12. It will feature teenage Cadance, Shining Armor, Cheerilee and other characters you might recognise from the show and comics.

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 23 )

I like your start and you've got all my favorite tags. Be sure to continue this and you've got a favorite from me.

You have a fave from me now! It's very cute.

Excellent start. I can't really see where this is going, but you know what you're doing. Fav'd.

4566707 Thank you so much :pinkie happy: I'm going to be much faster with this one since I'm actually enjoying myself :rainbowlaugh:

4568022 cute? Aaah.. exactly what I was going for :twilightsmile: thanksies


4570400 haha... Do I know what I'm doing tho? :rainbowhuh: It's one of those... roll with it kind of stories. I know how it ends, but I'm going to have fun with the middle bits :derpytongue2:

4570454
Well, I meant more in the technical sense. Besides effective writing, you established an emotional basis for Mac that (I assume) is going to color the rest of the story, and characterized Mac through his relationship with his sister. You could have just shoved him on the train with a note or briefly noted memory as a pretext, but you took the time to show that leaving the farm is kind of a big deal for BM. That says a lot.

4570543 aww shucks :rainbowkiss: thank you!! I was about to just shove Mac into the train, but then I really wanted to write about a miniature, kind of bratty Applejack :ajbemused: And then... it kind of became really personal. Anyway, thanks for noticing! :pinkiehappy:

Good start. I'm intrigued with where you plan to go with this . Also I think the bit "...would have given her" should be "...had given her". Other than that, I didn't notice anything glaring.
Also, who doesn't love Big Mac's steadfast stoicism?! :rainbowderp:

4573476
Thanks!! I'll really try how to keep the quality up... but I'm not sure exactly where that part is? The change you want me to make...

4584651 The sentence where Big Mac finds AJ sitting outside Sugarcube Corner.

:rainbowlaugh: Poor, poor Macintosh.

At this point I feel like I'm reading an adventure story about Big Mac being kidnapped by Cheerilee and being heroically rescued by his city-dwelling relatives.

4626834 :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh: brilliant!! that's exactly how i want it to feel... I think I'm modelling Cherilee too much after Pinkie tho :pinkiehappy: is it too obvious? Should i tone down the crazy.... :fluttershysad:

4626856
Meh. I think it fits. And Cheerilee doesn't come off as crazy, just excitable and oblivious. Like a real teenager. She's fine.

4626856
Probably something in between. Pinkie is a really exaggerated version of a party pony. Cheerilee for now has just been more toned down party pony or actually more likely an extroverted pony. Quick to make new friends. Maybe watch out for not making her not too hyper, but still keep her extroverted personality. I don't know how to describe it, not everything has to be a show or a party, but everyone can be a friend or an acquaintance?

Ah, I love this story already. Very deserving of the favorites and likes it has. :pinkiehappy:

Well, yes, but . . . LP is a jerk! I'd love to see some foreshadowy CheeriMac shipping!

Have I ever mentioned how much I love Gaff and 8-Bit? They're some of my favorite characters from the comic book.

I'm enjoying seeing Big Mac and his experience in the (apparently 1980s) big city, and I'll look forward to more.

4631894 thanks!! I'm just... diving head first into this story so I'm glad people are liking it :pinkiehappy:

4631942 1980s... hmm, I don't know much about the culture then, but I'll try and incorporated the obvious retro cues just so we remember that this was BEFORE the time of the actual series. Haha! I know, I also loved those two AND Poindexter so much that I just had to!! And... I'm not really sure of painting LP as a bad guy. This story was initially supposed to focus on HIM, but then it just flew off in a completely different direction... (am I giving away too much?)

No shipping? But the story is labeled romance!

Besides that, was there any particular reason Big Mac was having trouble hauling a suitcase? You explicitly state that he didn't have very many possessions when it breaks open, but don't explain why he has difficulty carrying something designed to be easily transported. Is he unusually weak as a youth or something?

4632403 :rainbowderp: ooft... now I'm scared. I think I'll take the Romance tag off then? I'm still not sure where I'm taking this so please excuse the flakiness... if you can bear with me then thanksies. If you can't then I apologise...
umm, well, he's having difficulties because he's having to drag it using his mouth through a thick crowd of ponies. Not that's it's ridiculously heavy, just that its a ridiculously difficult task. I dunno, maybe I should explain that a little further. Also, he's not the well-known 'Big' Mac yet, and even if he was I'm not the keenest on the idea of earth ponies being extra strong or anything. But don't take that as my headcanon... I'm yet to change my mind.
also... I'm terrified. Thanks for the hard hitting question :fluttershyouch:

4632438
Well, the shipping thing was kind of a joke, really. I have to assume there's some reason you tagged it as you did, and that usually means shipping. But it is what you make of it.

I do feel that the suitcase requires some sort of explanation in the story, since you made its coming apart the focus of the chapter. Whether or not earth ponies (or even Mac) are really strong is besides the point, because carrying luggage filled with relatively few belongings is no great feat of strength. Although there is a point to be made for an earth pony farmer who's used to hard labor and carrying things in his mouth having especially little difficulty.
Maybe it was already damaged? If that was the case it would explain Mac treating it especially carefully and it breaking apart so easily when it was dropped.

4632682
I like that as an explanation actually... I think it just needs more detailing. I'll incorporate that, if you don't mind.. make him more cautious than struggling? Thanks.
The shipping... give me a second to think about that. Because I do have a chapter where we see cheerilee again and... well.

Well, I wonder what the story is between LP and Gaff. Also I think 'hearded' should be 'herded.'

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