• Member Since 15th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Yesterday

elPossenreisser


Ship first. Ask questions while shipping. Source

E

You forgot your bracelet at my place when you came for your visit. So I came back to Ponyville to return it to you.

And, by the way, Twi—why did you cry?

Written for the Twidash Army's second contest.

Thanks to my prereaders: Invisible Pink Unicorn and He Who Wishes To Remain Unnamed

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 32 )

Either way, I don't think I'll try and get into Rainbow's head again any time soon. That place is a mess.

I'm sure with a little help from Twilight that could get straightened out. Y'know, after a date or two :raritywink:

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:scootangel:
Thanks for adding it to groups left and right :twilightsmile:

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I kinda get overly-excited when I see new (and more importantly, good) TwiDash. :twilightblush:

This one felt personal.

You did a good job getting in Rainbow's head. The story grew on me the more I read it, and I think you nailed her thought process. Twilight was pretty good, too. I liked the setting, making her feel like maybe she was running out of chances.

Good luck in the contest!

Very nicely written. I was confused at first at the scene transitions, but I caught on after a bit. I'm thinking Rainbow might feel a bit more for Twilight than even she herself realizes; after all, who just drops everything to fly for 8 hours straight to comfort a friend? There's loyalty, and then there's... well.

If I had to criticize one thing, it's that the ending was a little bit fast. I guess it did feel like something Rainbow would do--sort of. But yeesh, confession-kiss-goodnight all in a row was just a bit jarring in my opinion.

“Well, I, I had return your bracelet,”

Missing a word in there.

Have a great day!
i.imgur.com/XtUF0.png

Very good story and extremely well written. Good luck in the contest

:rainbowkiss:

This was pretty awesome.

Good luck in the contest! I liked your story and hope you write some more!:twilightsheepish:

Hmm... I'm not too sure on how to feel about the perspective you sued in this. I feel like it certainly added something, but you could have used it a bit more than you did to add even more to the story. Putting yourself in a character's head is always hard, especially when it's not your own character, but if you can do it right it makes for a brilliant story. this is... it feels like just a touch off. certainly not enough to be overly noticeable or really worth mentioning at all, truthfully, but just enough that I wasn't totally sucked in to the story.

That being said, everything else was pretty much pitch-perfect. I saw the odd grammar or spelling error, but they were few and far between and didn't break immersion at all.

Well done, and good luck in the contest.

Pretty interesting with the 2nd person use for the entire story. I think you wrote Rainbow fairly well, especially with all the random comments she's making to herself scattered about.

I will say that it did seem a tad fast near the end, but other than that this was a nice little piece.

Good work! :pinkiesmile:

DJRD

I like this. :heart::twilightsmile::rainbowkiss::heart:

Good luck in the contest. :moustache:

OHHHHHHH! :twilightblush::rainbowkiss: That was adorable.

One downside was it was hard to follow Rainbow's train of thought when it turned into her verbal words. Got confusing in a few places, had to go back and reread a few parts to understand how it was playing out in the Mind's eye. Maybe color the spoken words...I dunno*shrugs*

Wish you luck on the contest!

Good job, another fic where the character sounds canon.

While I liked the story, I have to admit, I'm not exactly a fan of the second person past tense used here.

...that place is a mess...

Tell me about it; I'm still recovering from writing Dreams.

Good work, Possie. The perspective was... odd, but the story was fun!

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Thank you kindly :twilightsmile: I'm glad you liked it

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Thank you! I was trying to hint on Rainbow maybe, perhaps feeling a little more and just not being aware of it yet. Seeing how no-one else has mentioned it and the ending still feels rushed, it probably wasn't enough :twilightblush:

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I'm just gonna be a d:yay:k and say that I like it if it's being a bit confusing in parts :rainbowdetermined2: After all, this is supposed to be inside The Dash. The very same Dash that ADHD'ed out of control in Testing Testing 1, 2, 3

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I admit I mainly wanted to play around with some funky perspective for a change. I'm quite happy with how it turned out, but it's not something I plan on doing again soon. My reasoning behind it was that in my own Internal Monologue, it's always a "you" and never a "she" or a "him". It does sound a bit strange though.

I probably could've changed to 1st / 3rd person in the flashback scenes, or even to 3rd person entirely, but I saw them as something that quickly flashes through Rainbow's mind as the present progresses (except for the one she's probably narrating to Twilight, anyway). So um, yeah. Trying out new stuff :yay: :twilightsmile:

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Thank you :twilightsmile: Rushing the ending seems to be a thing I do regularly :twilightoops:

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Thanks :twilightsmile: I sorta kinda wish you could put that thing into words that was just a bit off. I'm suspecting you're right and something's there. Lack of conflict / surprise, maybe? (I think the ending / "resolution" is rather obvious right from the start)

"I left it there." That's the line that sells it; that is such a Twilight thing to do. From that point on, everything made perfect sense.

you have to try to get into her head? I'm normally good at just slipping in and out of my characters heads, maybe thats just me. well anyway nice story.

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If I am to write the entire narration in somepony's voice, then I have to get far deeper into her head and stay in there for the whole story. Slipping in and out is easy enough, I agree :twilightsmile: and glad you liked it :twilightsmile:

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Thank you :twilightsmile:

I liked the perspective a lot and enjoyed the story, well done.

I do think there are a couple of minor places where the language felt a bit too fancy for Dash - "quite" especially stands out as a bit fancier than she'd go for and I'd have preferred "really" or "totally" or other emphasis words but that's really minor, awesome overall.

There were a lot of typos. I was going to highlight some but being lazy is hard man.

Hmm. A bit odd hearing everything from this perspective, but I like the concept! There's nothing wrong with a bit of experimentation!:twilightsmile:

This is. . .very, very good. The story, while it was a bit dropped on the reader, was precise, believable, and engaging. The perspective was great, I'm not sure I've ever seen it done even glad this effectively. You captured the characters well, that of itself is an achievement. The details you placed in the scenes and narrative as a whole weren't over the top, enough to add a nice amount of realism without trying to hard, which is easy to do. Overall, I have but one complaint.

The damn thing is too short.

But I'll give you a 9/10 and a favorite.

“So, um is that why you were cried? Us drifting apart?” I ask once more. ‘Cuz that’d be silly, y’know.

Wow,the way this was written was excellent.It was different and unique,and It has the best ship in the world:Twidash!

I love the way you portrayed how fast rainbow's mind thinks, amazing story!

I don't like it. You made it like it was in a diary or journal, but didn't bother making seem like that. It's just, that kind of perspective isn't good for a whole story, maybe for a small filler bit, but not a whole short story.

The perspective is a little odd but Its definitely not bad once you get used to it. I really enjoyed this.

An excellent story but I found it hard to read in this perspective.

6796587 Same. I found it really confusing first.

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