• Member Since 27th Oct, 2013
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Jay David


Just a guy who loves MLP.

E
Source

Everypony knows the story, of how Twilight Sparkle first came to Ponyville and, after many years there, became one of the most important ponies in Equestria. But, what many ponies forget is that she and her friends are not the only ones living in that formerly-sleepy little village, and many have a story that needs to be told.

(Cover image created by hombre0 of DeviantArt)

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 15 )

I read this on deviantART, and while it's not something I'd read multiple chapters of (because of its taking place after the s4 finale), it's worth a like. So here ya go. :)

Overall a decent enough story, though it has some rough spots that could use the touch of a skilled editor.

reminds me a bit of the twilight zone (the television series)

Mad

A very nice story, I wish Hasbro would make more episodes about characters other than the cmc and mane 6.

I like this a lot! Maybe we can get their characters expanded upon sometime?

4672382 wait until 9 episodes into season 5

I feel hasbro missed out on a golden opportunity with the S4 finale. I feel the true heros should have been...
:applecry::scootangel::unsuresweetie:
It makes sense when you think about it. We have a flightless pegasus without flying magic, a unicorn without... Magic magic... And an earth pony who can't grow a plant without a potion (aka she has no growing powers) they wouldn't be affected by tierek, so only they can defeat him. Just a bit of a thought

Mad

5574230 No spoilers please. But thank you :twilightsmile:

Mad

5581817 You have nothing to apologize for my friend :twilightsmile:

I'm just going to come out and say it, any questions you have for a genuine equestrian?

Even recently, they had managed to become the ultimate winners of the recent Equestria Games, which again had been aided by Twilight's friends

Recently used twice here - not necessary.

that will never means

that will never mean

When she didn't Octavia let out a sigh before talking.

I suggest using a comma after didn't.

I heard a recent news story about that recently.

Recent used twice here again.

Time Turner though was not their Father

No need for capitalisation on Father here.

Lyra and Vinyl both pretended to retch at the sight of this overt romance, though a swift jab to the sides from their respective best friends soon put an end to that

Haha :).

it felt as though he was reaching in and tearing out my heart."

*Shudders* That sent a chill down my spine.

Derpy buried her face in Time's chest, the latter wrapping both hooves around her in an attempt to comfort her.

<3

General feedback.
Try breaking your sentences up more. Here's one example:

Among them were the famed musicians of Ponyville, local DJ Vinyl Scratch, talented cello player Octavia and Lyra Heartstrings who, as her name suggested, possessed great skill on the lyre

What you have written makes sense, but it takes effort to process. There's simply too much going on, and it's hard to know where to focus.
Specifically, when you describe Lyra, the focus of the sentence changes from a group description to a description of a single character.
It would read better if you have either shortened Lyra's description, or given her a sentence to herself.

Otherwise, good concept.
I notice you've written a lot since this story, so chances are that you've already improved greatly ^^.
In any case, I hope this feedback was useful.

I really like these six. Maybe even more then the mane six! We need more Fanfics on these six!

Cute story with the feels. I was half expecting a big bear instead of a hydra, but in hindsight, I get the feeling that this may have been written before that. Good story.

Well written and fun too.

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