Engineer, Brony, Aspiring Author. Not necessarily in that order.
Soarin and Spitfire dated once; it didn’t end well. On his day off he finds her at one of their old hangouts; a secluded spot on the edge of Equestria that’s perfect for tanning, talking, and the most dangerous type of racing. They’re going to settle the score, even if it kills them.
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Warning: This comment contains spoilers.
I understand what you were going for with the double-incentive to lose the race, but the way the story is constructed, that seems to work to the story's disadvantage. It takes away the motivation for either of them to win the race, and there's not really an important reason for either of them to lose. Nothing's really at stake, because losing will gain what the loser desires. I can imagine a story where another's life or something valuable is on the line, which would make it imperative to lose. With the stakes here—quitting or going on a date with a pony she doesn't want to date—there's no real drive for them to lose. They can just reject the other's proposal because they don't want what the other wants, and winning won't bring them anything good.
I think my point here is that there's nothing valuable for them to either win or lose for, and therefore there's no reason to race other than pride and exhilaration. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I didn't buy into the catch-22 situation. It's a self-inflicted one, and could be ignored if the other desired it (in a romantic situation like this. This type of catch-22 situation might work better in a Jackass-styled cmoedy).
The botched motivation is the big broad thing that needs to be addressed; there's something more narrow and technical I think you need to look at. The story doesn't transition well between a scene or two. Please look here:
They went from arguing to agreeing to a race? I don't think this transitions well because you're missing something here. Let me try adding something here to try and make it transition better:
Does that transition better? As far as I'm concerned, there's now a reason for her to ask for a race; it doesn't come out of the blue like it does as it is. Please also look at this one:
I can understand his thinking of this, but why at this moment? With his remark about her not being as fast as Rainbow Dash, I would think that would arise from his watching her fly fast. That way, the comment would've been warranted, since he could think her fast (either faster than Rainbow Dash or not as fast as Rainbow Dash) and the thought would arise. I think even more so, with the comment about his head being turned being a concern of hers, that thought would arise from something like Spitfire showing concern for which way he's looking so he doesn't get hurt, or even from his ogling her body as she's flying ahead of him. Soarin's thought comes not through how fast she is, not through her concern, but through the thought that her lotion will slow her down aerodynamically. Do you see how that doesn't flow well into the thought that Soarin' has following that paragraph?
And this one's minor, I think, but I would like to address it nonetheless.
Please look at those last two sentences, the one about the other mares and the one about Rainbow Dash. The first sentence, the one about the other mares, isn't necessary. It's misplaced. This conversation was about Rainbow Dash, and didn't go too well into being about all the mares he had seen. I think the "nothing ever happened and you know it" indicates a specific event, so the general thing about mares WHILE talking about Rainbow Dash doesn't flow well where it's at.
Those were my big things. As far as the rest of the story's concerned, I think it's decent. Your characterization of both Spitfire and Soarin' is alright, although I think to truly make it stand out, you need to strain the relationship more and make Spitfire angrier and Soarin' more resigned and put-off by her. I think the description of the setting is alright, and is actually at times cool, although I think you should slow down and expand on your descriptions. I also think your conflict's interesting, and the action cool; I just think you need to draw it out more, make it more suspenseful, put in more danger and more stakes. Your grammar's pretty good as well; I can only remember there being two things wrong, one in the first chapter:
and one in the second chapter:
I haven't talked about the third chapter, have I? I think it's a basic closing chapter, with not much to appreciate because of the low stakes. it doesn't feel like Soarin's in the hospital through either rampant hubris or reckless courage; he just lost control, that was it. And that's not necessarily a bad thing, but I don't think it's interesting because of the low stakes. It closes alright, with Spitfire confessing she threw the match, and their wanting a second chance. That I actually find interesting. With the low stakes and the lack of banter between them during the event, though, it doesn't shine as much as it should.
Overall, the story is decent. It has a conflict, it has action, it has dialogue, and it has a conclusion. I think you will improve with practice as you learn what really makes your story come alive. The motivation and the transitions are the two big problems with the particular story, so perhaps you should focus on those. In the end, I won't upvote or downvote it, but I will encourage you to write another story.
One thing he could have said was "You know what, your on"
Interesting thou
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First off, thanks for such an in-depth critique. If the up and down-votes are anything to go by, this isn’t my best work.
Warning: Spoilers follow
As for the technical stuff, for the most part I agree. I revisited those spots and made a few corrections to make things clearer. The one technical thing that I’ll push back on is the transition to Soarin’s internal monologue. This is how I dissect the paragraph leading up to it:
This paragraph boils down to:
This is what he thinks is going to happen. This is why. This is what will happen as a result. This is what he thinks about that result.
I think the last sentence, particularly the last word, bridges standard prose to internal monologue. Feel free to disagree.
I don’t want to pick apart the entire plot, simply because I’d be telling the audience what they were supposed to think. That would just be arrogant and, quite frankly, boring. Who cares what I intended when I wrote it, what’d all of you think when you read it? If I painted a picture of a flower and everyone insists it’s a snowman then the fault is mine and I’d like to hear about it.
I will attempt to respond to your comments about the stakes of the contest though. Since this is fan fiction we’re talking about, character and world-building often take a back seat. Most of that hard stuff is handed to the author in advance. In the case of minor characters like Soarin and Spitfire, of course, the canon details on their personalities are a bit lacking. There’s lots of room to experiment and embellish, provided you back it up with some believable description.
Here’s what we know, in this story’s universe at least, about our main characters from the first chapter:
- they’re members of the most elite flight group in Equestria
- at one point they dated and, for some reason that they can’t agree on, things went south
- there’s still some bitterness about that past relationship on both sides that’s affecting their professional lives
- they know that racing around here is incredibly dangerous, and that’s never stopped them from doing it for fun
- even if it all of their racing was just for fun they still kept score and frequently made bets
In short, these two are expert fliers, adrenaline junkies, and prideful competitors. Be it a deadly race or an arm wrestling match, any competition between them is going to be about pride. Throw in the fact that they dated once and the race gains another level altogether: sexual tension. In their better days a race like this was probably foreplay.
That’s probably how Spitfire saw this race working out too. She’d let him win, they’d get back together, and she’d never have to admit she was wrong about anything. Better still, she could dump him at any time and blame it all on the bet. It’s childish, it’s selfish, and it’s painfully similar to many actual relationships.
Getting back to what’s at stake, I think the terms are clear. On the surface they’re wagering his career and a hot date. On the inside they’re settling the argument of who’s right, or at least gets to walk away thinking they are. Neither one fully understands what the other wants, at least not at first. If they understood that they’d probably still be dating.
If you’re willing, please check out my other stories. I won’t (and never will) claim to be an expert, but I do think my other stories might be a better representation of what I can do. Good or bad, this wasn’t my first story and it won’t be the last.
I like it
Unlike some of the others who have commented, I don't have a massive comment to make, I'm happy to go with this was a cool short story and leave it at that.
Would have been nice to see that date.
Liked this, good job!
Well, this is a beginning. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next.
Um, why would either of them be fine with this? He almost seems to want to quit, so why wouldn't he throw the race? She may not want him to quit, but I don't think she would want to go on a date with him to keep him to stay, that would just make things worse in the long run.
*Reads the rest of the chapter* Okay, it appears he noticed that. A little late for him, but to me this indicates that she misses him too.
4612306
I'm just going to echo the sentiment here. For what it's worth, you definitely have improved since this story, Shell Game proves that.
I guess I get the up arrows. But what about that artifact near the start of the chapter?
10002636
Up arrows and artifact?
10002648
There's an up arrow at the end of each chapter. Two on this one. :B One of 'em's italicized. And then there's this:
Am I the only one seeing this? c.c;
10002829
… I don't see it