Through The Eyes Of Another Pony

by CardsLafter

Chapter Five - Part Two: Burning Books and Tech for Fun and Profit!

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I would just like to say right now: Ponies are cool. I would like to follow that statement with another line of wisdom. Guys, it’s not safe in Equestria. Okay? It’ll beat the hell out of you and giggle while you quiver like a little girl on the floor. That’s not to say that little girls are especially good at quivering in pain; I assure you, a grown man can do a damn fine job of it, too. What I’m saying is that it was finally starting to dawn on me that for all the frou-frou colors and all sparkly magic, Equestria has its serious side.

“What should I do with him, Princess?” said Steve Blum. No, it wasn’t really him (LET ME GOOGLE THAT FOR ALL YOU LAZY BASTARDS!), but it sure as hell sounded like him. Whatever pony had that voice probably had a lot of trouble making friends because it sounded extra rough and definitely unfriendly.

I opened my eyes and instantly regretted it. Light! BAD! Getting bucked in the face can obviously cause some serious migraines and today was no exception. I groaned as I slowly got to my feet, rubbing the spot where that stupid jackpony busted my chops. I was in dungeon cell #17. No doubt about it. The pillow there was a little fluffier than the others. Don’t ask how I knew that. I went to fetch myself a cigarette as I crawled off the unprisonly soft bed and whimpered as my head throbbed a little more. It had to be a Sky Archon. No regular pony can lay that wicked of a beatdown in so short a time.

“I doubt he’s going to be in a cooperative mood,” I heard Celestia say from outside the cell, “I’m not feeling patient enough to spare his feelings, though. Make him agreeable, then after that, bring him to me.”

Make me agreeable. Yeah, that was going to happen. Right after I beat the shit out of whatever pony cold cocked me back on the main street of Canterlot. Oh, there would be a reckoning. A RECKONING, I SAY!

“Yes, Princess,” he replied, “Please forgive my reckless haste.”

“I understand why you did what you did, Storm Wing,” Celestia reasoned as her voice faded away as though she were leaving. “But for one so old, I expect you to show more restraint and discretion in the future. Is that understood?”

“Perfectly,” I heard the incredibly deep voice named Storm Wing say.

Storm Wing… Storm Wing… Captain Storm Wing? Oh hell. This was the guy that Starlight answered to. He was, from what I can surmise, the ye almighty badass of the Equestrian world. Great googly moogly! If he was half as intimidating as he sounded, I might not need bother trying to break out. Yeah, and monkeys might decide to start flying out of my ass, too.

After lighting the cigarette, I snarled and locked eyes on that stupid cell door. I knew how to pick a lock with a coca-cola can and how to jimmy a latch with a credit card, but I was feeling a little too angry for that. I could see that there were no enchantments on the door (which made no sense… How do you prevent a caster from escaping if you use a mundane prison?) so there was one way for me to do this. Throw fire at the metal door. And if that doesn’t work? Use more fire.

I sucked in a huge breath, pulling in at least a third of my cigarette along with it before blowing out a blast of flame at the door. I held it as long as I could and was met with some results. The entire thing was shimmering with heat and showing the barest hint of a red glow in the center. One breath later, the barest hint turned into a noticeable spot.

“Hotter,” I told myself with an angry, excited growl.

A few breaths later failed to yield any great noticeable results. I started to worry that I wouldn’t be able to pull it off and let out a frustrated sigh. I looked down at the floor before remembering Luna’s words.

Faith, focus, conviction and imagination.

Right. Right. I couldn’t let the thought of failure enter my mind. I could… No. I would do this. Then I’d go beat the friendship out of whatever pony decided to take that cheap shot at me. Faith… Okay, got it. Conviction? Oh yeah, I definitely had the desire needed to frag the door. Imagination? Check. Focus? No problem; just had to calm down and get it together. Get it together. Get it together.

“You gonna finish the job, human, or do I have to open it for you?” Storm Wing said on the other side of the door. The mocking edge his tone held was… Whew, as if I wasn’t irritated enough.

Well, that was all I needed to hear to get me motivated. I looked back up at the red-hot barrier that was barring me from freedom and put everything I had into that final roar. Out came a stream of my own personal brand of fire. It even matched my mane. I’m not going to sugarcoat it, kids, I was in so pissy of a mood that I didn’t even get that awesome feeling when I did something new and amazing.

I kept the punishment up for a solid five seconds and was rewarded for my heartfelt efforts. The cell door warped and buckled before eventually crumpling in on itself as it finally turned into a small white puddle of slag. With a fair amount of grace, I leaped the dangerous pool of molten metal and looked around to confirm that I was exactly where I thought I was. The dungeon’s hall is pretty much what you’d expect of the rest of the castle, which was to say, immaculate, decorated, and still sporting those silly black and white tiles with gold columns marking the spaces between cells. Seriously, who the hell is going to appreciate this stuff? Was there a gold column and picture frame surplus? Whatever.

Now, when I exited my cell, I was expecting to have to face off against Storm Wing. And sure, that was gonna happen and everything. But when I imagined Storm Wing, I couldn’t help but see this ten foot tall pegasus that eats bacon and crushes railroad spikes on his forehead when he’s bored or something. With, like, a salt-and-pepper mane; maybe sporting a matching beard, even. Do you know what I got? I got a colt that could be no higher than three feet tall (seriously, I think Rainbow Dash is taller than him) that looked thin enough to break over a piece of spaghetti. His coat was the lightest of blues, more white than anything, really. His long, wild mane was electric blue with a few thin streaks of stark white tracing down its length. And those corn-blue eyes of his just seemed a little too bored.

“Not enjoying your stay?” he asked sarcastically. Yeah, that was Storm Wing. That dainty little pegasus was the one with the super scary voice. “If you don’t like the cell I put you in, I can find you another one.”

He wore armor like Starlight’s: Silver with a red star. Only his came with a red trim and the rivets in the back had been left out so that the back of his mane could be interwoven into the helmet’s length and past his wings. The only especially strange thing about his appearance was a large metal ring tied into the end of his tail. Even with him looking totally awesome, I was just at a loss. I didn’t really understand it that all that well, the part where a scrawny pegasus literally half my size sent me flying off into a wall like I had been made out of hay and cotton, I mean. But rest assured, this was the jackpony. So uh… target acquired and all that. I started to inhale to breathe fire at the little bastard before suddenly getting a thump on my head from both of my inner halves.

Was I seriously going to attack and possibly seriously harm some little pony out of anger? No. No, I was not. Stoic was telling me to get a damned grip and I had every reason to listen to him. Just because I had the power to go burning anything in my way did not give me permission to actually go do it. Besides, there were bigger fish to fry, as Lafter was pointing out. Such as saving Luna. That was paramount. My personal vendetta was so tertiary in comparison to that. Worse than tertiary. Hell, what comes after tertiary?

“No, I am, in fact, not enjoying my stay in your shitty prison,” I snapped, still not calm enough to play nice just yet. “I’m willing to overlook that cheap shot in favor of helping Luna, so just take me to Celestia, Captain Short Stack.”

“That’s Captain Storm Wing, but I’ll overlook your childish mispronunciation for now,” he said, his expression bored and his tone flat. “And I’m afraid I can’t do that. Especially with you so hot-headed right now. We’ll go see the princess after you’ve calmed down a bit.”

I took a few steps forward before noticing that his visage wasn’t just bored, it was unresponsive. I was entirely caught off guard by the realization. Storm Wing wasn’t wearing a bored, half-lidded expression. He was blind. The corn blue iris gave it away entirely. A scrawny, blind pony whipped my ass! Well, there goes my self-image. Right there, trying to pull itself to a hospital. I don’t think he’s gonna make it, though.

“Why not? You going to try and stop me? Because I’m actually still agreeable enough to warn you right now, I’ve got no problems turning you into a simple clean-up job for whatever pony is out there with a broom-and-dustpan cutie mark,” I threatened. I always did talk some serious smack-talk when I was angry. Not necessarily cool smack-talk, mind you. But smack-talk nonetheless.

“Mmm. Sounds like I should cower in fear,” he murmured with a soft-chuckle.

Man, was everypony in Equestria a sardonic asshat? I’m thinkin’ so.

“Look, I don’t want to do this, mate.” I let out a perturbed, exasperated sigh. “Just take me to Celestia and we’ll settle this later.”

“And I don’t want to disappoint Celestia,” said Storm Wing, “so we’ll go when you’re good and calm.”

Okay. Screw Captain Storm Wing(2). Just screw him(3). Here I am, trying to be as nice as I c-… Fine, maybe not as nice as I can be, but damn it, I was making an effort!

“You’re seriously going to bring this to a head?” I facehoofed and sucked in a breath for patience. “Because this is your last warning. Get out of my way before I dust you.”

“Be my guest.”

It was the smirk, guys. It really was. I just had to punch it right off his face. I mean, sure, if I had just been a little more clear headed, I probably would have just cooled my hooves and defused the situation. Instead I decided I wanted a piece of that pony. Hey, I tried to be reasonable, but noooo~!

Anyway, here’s the condensed version: The tiny, blind pegasus won. It wasn’t even close. Don’t laugh, okay? I doubt any of you could take him (In fact, I know none of you could). Storm Wing will whip your ass so hard, so completely, and so politely that it just takes the will to fight right out of you. Well, that and the taser hoofy thing he does. Have you ever been tasered? It sucks, I promise. It makes you squeal. Not scream, not gasp, not cry out in pain… It makes you squeal. Specifically because every muscle in your body, throat included, tenses up as hard as it can. It’s awful. Just awful. So uhhh… Yeah! Cut to the part where I’m twitching on the ground, drooling because I’ve lost all motor control.

“Had enough?” he asked, gently nudging my prone plot with a hoof.

“I’ve never... hated a... pony before you,” I said between pained breaths, “How do you mani-... fest lightning... without unicorn... magic?”

“Highly focused weather control. It’s not that difficult, really,” he replied before helping me off the ground and forcing me to stand back up, “Get it all out of your system?”

“Yeah. Uncle. Uncle. Jesus, that’s the… last time I’ll smart off to an Archon,” I admitted, not wanting any more of this fight at all. I’m many things, but arrogant is not really one of them.

“Oh, I’m sure it won’t be the last time,” he remarked as he held out a hoof to steady me somewhat. “Besides, I’m sure it wouldn’t have been so easy for me if you had been more serious about the fight.”

“What?” I looked back at him, staring into his sightless blue eyes as I locked my knees to help hold me up. “I wasn’t… wasn’t holding back.”

“Yeah. You definitely were,” he replied with a nod, closing his eyes along with his smile. “When you’re as old as I am, you find it’s quite easy to learn a lot about the pony you’re fighting.”

I rolled my eyes before summoning up my box of cigarettes and pulling one out. “How can you even see me?”

He looked somewhat shocked, as though he were not anticipating my catching onto his blindness.

“Everything in Equestria emits magic. Even that which isn’t alive,” he elaborated with a nod, “With a bit of time and effort, you can learn to sense that.”

“Like an electric eel sensing an electromagnetic field,” I remarked, finally starting to breathe normally again. “That’s... pretty interesting actually.”

“Most ponies don’t even pick up on the fact that I am blind,” he commented with an appreciative nod, “You’re pretty quick when you’re not too angry to think. That trick with the tail was a new one on me.”

He was trying to be nice. Ugh. I guess no one informed him that electrocuting someone doesn’t exactly endear them to you. Whatever.

“For all the good it did.” I stumbled a bit before quickly recovering. I thought the migraine sucked. Let me tell you, when enough electricity runs through your body enough times, you will feel like you ran a marathon. A long one. Maybe even a marathon that consisted of multiple marathons combined. What do they call that again? A triathlon? Is that right?

“Anyway, now that you’re good and calmed down, it’s time to come see the princess.”

“What?” I rubbed my latest bruise, glaring at him disapprovingly. “I’m not calm. I’m just too… whipped to do anything about it.”

“Well, it’s not like you’re going to get away with an outburst in front of her while I’m around,” he pointed out dryly.

“So then… What, you beat the hell out of me… Just because?” I clarified, my irritation starting to flare.

“Not necessarily,” he stated with a shrug of his wings. “I was simply doing as I was ordered. You were feeling rather aggressive and now you’re spent. Besides, like I said, you can learn a lot about a pony when you fight them and… Well, I can’t exactly learn from you unless I actually do just that.”

I stared at him hard as I digested his words. He shrugged his wings a second time and I finally took note of their slightly irregular size. They were a bit bigger than that of your average horse-fly. I suddenly found myself wondering if it would hurt more should I decide to kick them really hard. Damndest thing, really; I’ve no idea why I had that purely random thought. I get those sometimes, though. Don’t worry, I didn’t kick him (not that he wouldn’t have just dodged or something). I instead decided a second Cigarette of Patienceness+2 was in order.

“So... … ... you just beat the hell out of me... … Just because,” I repeated, taking a loooooong drag off that cigarette.

“Sure,” he said with a chuckle.

SCREW CAPTAIN STORM WING! (S.C.S.W.C. - 4)

“You’re an ass,” I remarked before letting out a relieved sigh, the cigarette already helping me chill out, “Well, whatever, let’s go see Celestia.”

“Princess Celestia.” He reminded me before cocking his head at the door behind him. “Come with me.”

Easier said than done, I thought to myself as I moved to walk beside him. Not that keeping up with the hard part. No, it was the part where I simply didn’t want to whimper like a baby as I walked. That’s the next thing that sucks about getting a veritable cornucopia of electricity forced into one’s body. Not only are you utterly and absolutely exhausted, but when you force yourself to move, it hurts. A lot. Still, I sucked it up and walked alongside him. One nice thing about the good ol’ Captain was that he walked slowly. As we made our way to what I presume was either Celestia’s quarters or the throne room, I found myself inwardly freaking out for Luna’s sake. You ever have something so… incredible or unbelievable happen right in front of you that you don’t fully appreciate it until you have time to actually think about it? That was going on with me right then.

“Oh man,” I unintentionally whispered, starting to inwardly panic all over again. “Jesus, Luna, why did you… Damn it, that was so stupid.”

Storm Wing paused for only a second, glancing in my general direction if not looking directly at me.

“My Commander tells me that you’re somewhat close to Princess Luna,” he murmured softly.

I hung my head a little bit. As much as Luna infuriated me, she was best pony. Not that I’d ever tell her that, but yeah. “Yeah, what else did she say?”

“That you’re probably our only hope of finding the princess,” he replied, letting out a soft sigh.

Yeah. Sure, no problem. I’d just pop out the GPS on my phone and load up the Luna Locat- OHWAIT. “Why would you think that?”

“Because she told Starlight that you would,” he pointed out.

“She caught up with Luna?”

“The Sky Archons are the fastest fliers in all of Equestria,” he answered with a nonchalant wing-shrug (Grrr…) nonchalant, acting as though everypony knew that.

I wasn’t entirely surprised. I mean, Sky Archons are some zippy motherbuckers, but you just gotta understand how Luna does things. She cheats. She’ll cast spells to negate air resistance and stuff to make it easy for her to fly faster.

“Meh, Rainbow Dash could probably smoke you.” Childish sniping? When have I ever?

He scrunched up his face a bit, as though he were trying to think. “I’ve heard that name.”

Baffled, I was. I guess saving Equestria from Nightmare Moon didn’t really put you on the map? Yeah, I don’t know either.

I gave him a look as though he were from outer space. Not that he would have been able to appreciate it. ‘Cause, y’know… Blind, and all that.

“You’re kidding, right?” I let out a humorless laugh. “Element of Loyalty? Helped defeat Nightmare Moon? Won last year’s Best Young Flier Competition?”

“Oh, right.” He nodded with a smirk. “Her.”

“What do you mean, ‘Her’?!” I cried out. Seriously, light-speed breaking ponies aren’t something you get all meh about.

He let out a soft snort before pausing us just a short distance from a pair of gargantuan white and gold doors. The throne room, if you must know. I’d only been in there once before and that was because I was being chased by… guards. Le sigh. Yes, I know, that’s so typical of me. Go to hell.

“Compose yourself,” he ordered, giving me a stern gaze. “You’re about to appear before Princess Celestia.”

“Right, like I didn’t already know that,” I said with a roll of my eyes before pushing the door open, “Princess, your Captain of the Super Ponies could use a few sensitivity-awareness seminars!”

Goodness, I regretted that and I don’t say that lightly. Reason being was due to seeing Celestia’s expression. She didn’t look happy or amused. Which is a big thing for Celestia. She’s always smiling or laughing or consoling. That day? Celestia was wearing a mixture of fear, frustration, and sorrow on her face. As if I wasn’t feeling bad enough. I mean, I know I tried to stop Luna and everything but… Damn, all things considered this was still indirectly my fault

“Thank you for the advice. I will take it under consideration,” she responded before looking to all the ponies on either side of the court. “Please, leave us. Storm Wing, please fetch Starlight and an Archon of your choosing.”

A plethora of pretty little ponies vacated the court, leaving me and the princess all packed away into a spacious room all by ourselves. Storm Wing hesitated for a just a second, taking just enough time to let me know with but a glance that I was to behave or there would be beatings in store. I took a drag off my cigarette before suddenly remembering that I was smoking indoors. I sighed in annoyance before letting it go. Besides, these were stressful times and I needed to stay level-headed.

Celestia stepped from her throne and slowly walked to a large stained glass window depicting the Mane 6 zapping Nightmare Moon with the Elements of Harmony. I started to approach before glancing at my cigarette a second time. It didn’t take me long to decide that I could do without for the next few minutes. With that in mind, I doused it on my tongue and tucked it behind my ear for later use. With all the nervousness in the world, I stood beside the princess before sitting down, sighing remorsefully. We were both silent for what felt like hours but was likely only a few minutes. I kept trying to think of something to say. Something nice, something funny, something comforting; eventually I settled on a simple apology. I knew that that was going to happen one way or another, so I figured it was at least an okay place to start.

“Hey, Celestia? I’m… I’m really s-…” I started to say before being interrupted almost immediately.

“Was it your fault?” she asked, her eyes glued to the glistening glass before her.

“What?” I lifted my head a bit.

“You tried to stop her, did you not?” she turned her head to look down at me.

I met her eyes and swallowed a bit. When Celestia isn’t smiling, it adds a lot of weight to her demeanor. Everything she says just seems to be so much more… emphatic. And that’s hard to have to face, inward emotional knots notwithstanding. I tried to give her a straight answer, but my voice cracked a little. It was then I realized I was starting to choke a bit so I coughed to hide it as I nodded.

“Sure did!” I managed to say loudly enough to prevent the tightness in my throat from messing with me. I let out a hoarse laugh and nodded again before continuing on. “I tried to tell her that it was stupid. You can just ask any of the others what it was like and they’ll tell you. I was all, ‘Luna, that is dumb!’ and she said, ‘No way, I do what I want!’ And she… she just…”

Well, everyone’s mask cracks eventually, right? Seriously, it’s true. No matter how good you are at holding it in, you’re going to fall apart eventually. Because that’s what it is to be alive. Imperfect and stuff. Whatever the case, I couldn’t just laugh it off. I was scared for Luna and while I did do everything I could to stop her, I failed. No amount of logical reasoning is going to save you from feeling a modicum of responsibility because, damn it, it sucks so incredibly bad to fall short in those clutch moments.

I let my head drop again as I shut my eyes tightly. I could feel my throat constrict itself even more and grunted a bit to help clear it up a bit.

“And she just wouldn’t listen,” I tried to say more loudly, managing only to hiss out a whisper.

I felt her large wing encircle me. She pulled me a little closer in an effort to comfort me, which only made it harder. The fact that Celestia felt concern over me when her baby sister was out there, somewhere, having the worst and quite possibly the last breakdown of her life… It’s so selfless that some would be cynical enough to call it inhuman.

Why she cared, I don’t know, but after a moment of silence she decided to ask, “What is your name?”

“Stephen,” I answered honestly, somehow managing to keep my tone flat and even. I wasn’t feeling silly enough to say something stupid, if you can believe that.

“What does it mean?” she asked.

I started to tell her it didn’t mean anything until I remembered that my parents had actually had a purpose in mind when they originally named me. My last name had changed since then, but my full name used to mean ‘Gift from God’. Nowadays it means something entirely different and completely nonsensical.

“My old man told me it means gift.” I only bothered with the first name, not wanting to go into greater detail.

“Stephen,” she hooked the tip of her wing under my chin and lifted my gaze up until I was facing her. “Do not blame yourself for my sister’s stubborn nature. She has always been one to do what she thinks is best, regardless of the warnings of others.”

I met Celestia’s rosy eyes and had to set my jaw to keep an emotion explosion from entering the equation. It was that close a thing. It really was. And it wasn’t until she gave me a gentle smile that I finally started to cool down. It was like the pressure inside me finally let out and I was so relieved that it had. I did not want to start blubbering right here and now.

“I’m still sorry,” I said with a long sigh, sniffling to clear my nose up.

“Does that mean you aren’t going to try to make it right?” she asked of me. She had that inflection in there that told me she already knew the answer.

And she was right.

I blinked, staring at her for a few seconds before standing up and glaring stubbornly. “Hell no!”

It was exactly what I needed to hear to shake me out of my funk. She smiled a bit more and nodded before taking her wing from around my shoulders.

“I’m glad to hear it.” She turned a bit to look over her shoulder. “Thank you for waiting patiently.”

I blinked and turned around somewhat, feeling a lot of heat surge to my cheeks when I spotted Storm Wing, Starlight, and the Archon that had been guarding Luna’s room before, Silverheart. Storm’s expression was apprehensive whereas Starlight was giving me a small, genuine smile. Silverheart? Well, she looked like she was about to throw up. Psshh… Cynics.

“Oh shit, tell me you guys haven’t been there long,” I groaned, suddenly aware of my ruined reputation.

Starlight snickered in response as Storm Wing arched an eyebrow as if to ask if I was being serious.

“We have more important things to worry about,” Celestia politely reminded me, “Now, if you please, tell us what exactly happened. What has Luna done to herself?”

“I don’t know, precisely.” I shook my head, glancing back up at the Sun Princess. “I know what spell she cast. It was the Knowledge Absorption spell, and the target was my smart phone. Now, if she had just absorbed what the phone held, I don’t think we’d be having a problem.”

“But you don’t think that’s the case.” Silverheart stated.

I shook my head a second time. “Nope. I think she got at what the phone was connected to. The Internet.”

“And that is?” Storm was enough of a sport to provide the obvious question.

“Okay, imagine if every picture, every book, every library, school, college, government building and major business in Equestria were seamlessly connected together with magic so that, with the proper authorization, you could have any of that information your fing-… Er… Hooftips,” I explained, making sure I had everypony’s attention. “You would have… Shoot, I’ll high-ball it and say about ten percent of the information that Luna just sucked up. Probably less.”

They all took a moment to digest that.

“Wow,” said Starlight.

“Word,” I nodded before absently rubbing the back of my neck. “So yeah. I think she’s just pretty much overloaded herself. How badly? I’ve no clue, I’m not an expert on pony brains or any of y’alls physiology. Hell, the fact that she’s talking and flying is a whole hell of a lot better than I was expecting.”

“As daunting as that sounds, the mind is able to bear much more than one would expect.” Celestia. “And as an alicorn, Luna’s mind is meant to withstand the test of time. While this may have been more than she could handle at once, she may only need time to rest. Which she will have plenty of once you bring her back.”

I blinked before realizing she was most certainly talking directly to me and not to all the others as a group. “You say that as though I’ll be alone.”

“She doesn’t want to talk to anyone else,” Starlight reminded everyone with a long yawn. “She said just you. Nopony else. She even said nopony else would be able to find her. So uh… It’s gotta be you, stupid.”

“Starlight.” Celestia is so cool. I mean, all she had to do was say her name and Starlight kinda recoiled and drooped her ears a bit. She must have put a lot of points into her ‘Motherly Browbeating’ skill or something.

Storm Wing cleared his throat, bringing attention to himself. “Anyway, you won’t be alone. I’ll escort you until we locate her.”

“Oh, Celestia, not him,” I looked up at her imploringly. “He’s mean and flatters nopony with his foul scent.”

Celestia began to reply but Storm Wing was faster.

“Princess Celestia,” he growled, not appreciating the familiar way I addressed his Princess. Well, that was all I needed to know. Cross ‘Princess’ off the list for Words-In-My-Vocabulary. We might salvage this day, yet!

“And what do you mean ‘not him’, anyway?”

“Dude. You just beat the hell out of me.” I made a show of pointing at one of the bruises on my flank. Amusingly enough, it happened to be right where a Cutie-Mark would be. I’m sure someone or somepony out there finds that oddly appropriate. “So yeah, you’re up there with, like, Prince Blueblood on my personal list of Ponies-That-Suck, okay?”

Golly, that offended his delicate sensibilities. I don’t think I could have angered him more if I’d punched his girlfriend in the face.

“Just wait until you see my bad si-…” he started to say before Celestia rose her voice, not exactly in the mood to listen to ponies verbally fighting.

“Storm Wing, be silent,” she ordered curtly, before turning on me. She started pretty softly, but by the time she was done, she definitely did not sound so regal and pleasant, “Yes, my little human. An escort. You may very well be the only hope I have of saving my sister from what she has done to herself. This is not a debate; understand that you will be protected. I am not so impulsive to blame you for what has happened, but if you think for a moment that I am feeling patient enough to put your personal desires before the safety of Luna, then you are mistaken. I do not enjoy making threats, but you may rest with the assurance that I will make them if I have to and I am more than capable of keeping my word. Are we clear?”

“Crystal.” I replied immediately before flattening my ears a bit back against my head. “Sorry, I’m not… trying to be difficult. I’ll stop.”

Celestia sighed sadly before aiming her horn at me. “This is a stressful time for all of us. I know you only make light of everything to ease your mind, but you must treat this situation with the severity it deserves.”

With that, a gentle shower of ember-like flecks of magic rained down on me. My initial reaction was to squeak and shy away but I suppressed the urge before I could act on it. I expected the spell to clean me up a little, maybe freshen up my breath and put a bandaid on my still-sore derriere, but I got one better. All the pain and bruises that covered me rapidly faded away, leaving behind a sensation of empowerment. I felt awesome, of that there was no doubt. I took a deep breath; so deep in fact that I realized that my chest didn’t seize up as it normally did when I tried to inhale so much at once. I don’t know if it was a side effect of the spell or just the relief from all the pain, but whatever the case, I was ready to take on an army. And quite possibly win!

“Wow. I just… Holy hell, that’s the stuff!” I reared up and slammed down, snorting a bit of fire as I smiled widely. “Thumbs up, let’s do this! You two coming, too?”

Starlight opened her mouth to speak, only to be preempted by the princess.

“Commander Starlight has not had rest since yesterday morning. I summoned her to assist in briefing and nothing more.” Celestia glanced at the dark blue pegasus before looking to Silverheart. “Lieutenant Silverheart, please stay after. I have a special task for you.”

“Yes, your majesty,” said Silverheart with a dutiful bow.

I could tell Starlight did not appreciate the princess telling her to go to bed, but an order was an order. She may have been able to get away with disobeying Luna, but Celestia was irrefutably regarded as the head honcho of Equestria.

“So it’s just you and me.” Storm Wing gave me a half-threatening, half-mocking glance. Which makes no sense. How does he know how to look threatening if he can’t look at all?

“Joy. Ah whatever, I’ll make the best of it. See you guys when we get back!” I was still riding the euphoria of Celestia’s restoration. I kid you not; I was on top of the world. I turned and galloped out of the throne room with Storm Wing slowly cantering behind me. I stepped back out into fresh air before grabbing my smoke from its perch behind my ear and lit it back up.

I cantered in place for a bit while Storm left to fetch the A.S.C.A.™ (Awesome Sky Carriage of Awesomeness™ – Just in case you forgot). When he returned with it, I nearly squeed in delight at the prospect of flying again. I managed to mostly hold it in and simply hopped aboard before rearing up on my back two legs to stretch as hard as I could with a loud groan.

“Feeling better, I see,” Storm Wing remarked before sighing as if he was about to do something he didn’t want to do. “Listen, I know you don’t like me. You don’t have much reason to. I just want you to know, I’m going to do everything I can to help. Just keep me in the loop and I’ll try to stay out of the way. I’m not stupid, I know you’re pretty much the only shot I have of bringing Luna back safely and I’m not going to let my pride screw that up.”

So now Storm Wing was suddenly trying to be an okay guy. That didn’t sit well with me. I hated not being friends with cool people. And he was a badass pony so not being friends with him already sucked. I didn’t want to like him, though. Not yet, at least. I wasn’t done being grumpy over his obligatory greeting-beating. I eventually sighed and turned to face the Sky Archon.

“Look, Storm…” I began to say before suddenly being interrupted.

“Captain Storm Wing!” A haughty voice came from our left, turning my blood cold with seething rage. “I am in need of your assistance!”

“Holy hell, that better not be…” I let my sentence trailed off as I swung my vision towards the source of annoyance.

Judas on a freakin’ ho. It was him. Prince motherbuckin’ Blueblood. The Gary Oak of My Little Pony. Strutting his prissy white ass over to us as he polluted the air with an aura of self-entitled righteous indignation. The fates had been kind to me thus far, somehow steering my path away from his lest I be overcome with the urge to smack a bitch.

“Forgive me, Prince Blueblood.” I could hear the thinly-veiled contempt in Storm’s voice. It seems I wasn’t the only pony that loathed this waste of space. “But Princess Celestia has assigned me with a vital task and I mustn’t delay.”

Blueblood was determined to be a buttface. I could see it in his buttface eyes. They screamed self-entitled buttfacery. Oh goodness, and here I was, already primed to release some frustration. It was certainly within his best interests to not be around me with that buttfaced attitude of his.

“It won’t take but a moment, I assure you,” he pressed, stepping up to the side of the A.S.C.A.™ and hiking a hoof on it to prevent us from leaving. That was strike one. “I’m sure my dear aunt won’t sweat a few seconds of your time.

“Of course,” Storm Wing replied in the same flat tone. He was being so patient and I’ll be damned if I wasn’t impressed. He’s a trooper like that. I, however, am not so fortunate to be blessed with such inner calm.

“Um. No. We don’t have time for this,” I scoffed before looking to Blueblood. “Look, mate, I’m not sure you understand what’s going on. Princess Luna i-…”

Holy shit, he cut me off in the middle of my sentence. That was strike two, which was probably represented by a vein pulsing on my forehead.

“I am not your ‘mate’, as it were,” he sniffed derisively before looking back to my short escort. “Captain, who is this… ah… Blank-Flank?”

And that would be…

“Strike three,” I muttered with a facehoof before taking back control of the conversation. “Hey uh… Storm Wing. Quick question: Placing me under arrest would pretty much directly conflict with the orders Celestia just gave you, right?”

Silence reigned for all of two seconds before Storm Wing responded with a simple, “Yes.”

I smiled deviously from behind my hoof. As a brony, what I was about to do was my civic duty. Maybe not civic, but it was pretty much an opportunity that I would regret for the rest of my life, should I let it pass. Also, no one back home would ever forgive me, nor should they.

BAM! I TURNED AND SLUGGED THAT ROYAL PAIN-IN-THE-ASS RIGHT IN HIS SMUG, PRICK-FACE!

“THAT’S FOR MISS RARITY, YOU HORSE’S ASS!” I shouted at him as he fell back onto his haunches, more horrified than hurt. I’m pretty sure Celestia could hear the entire thing since we weren’t all that far from the throne room. Still, I could play coy with her later and possibly even sweet-talk my way out of retribution. “I can’t believe the Princess let you grow up to be such a complete waste of air! You’re a disgrace to royalty of ALL races! This is your wake-up call, jackass! And there’s more where that came from if you need it again!”

I wanted to flip him off but I lacked the digitry required to get that done. Instead, I just blew him a kiss and flew off with the A.S.C.A.™ so quickly that Storm Wing tumbled right off in my wake. I didn’t even realize I was controlling the damn thing until I was long gone. Luckily, it was just like casting a magic spell and all that it required was for me to make sure I had my four ‘magic legs’ covered. I checked to see if Storm Wing was okay but I soon realized that I need not bother. The guy was Captain of the Super Ponies after all and as such, he had absolutely no trouble catching up and gently landing back beside me. Hell, I don’t think he even had to try that hard at all, really. Keep in mind, the A.S.C.A.™ can haul more ass than an intercontinental airliner.

It felt good, flying did. I’ve always been one for speed and the wind in my hair, so this was absolutely divine, to say the least. My only regret? I didn’t have my shades on me. Which was kind of a bummer, but meh! If that was the worst thing to ever happen to me, I’d die a happy man.

“Well, for not having been a unicorn for very long, you’ve picked up magic pretty handily, human,” Storm Wing commented as he landed beside me. “Most ponies don’t have what it takes to fly so quickly.”

I started to point out that I had a name, but really, I didn’t. Yeah, I know I still had the human name, but to be honest, it was nothing special. I mean, what sucks more than having a lame name? Having a lame name that six other people share that you know personally. Ye be crushin’ me need teh be a unique snowflake, fate!

“Luna’s a pretty good teacher, if not a cruel one,” I pointed out with a sigh before glancing back at Canterlot. “So, uh... Thanks for not throwing me under the bus back there?”

Weird thing about blind ponies and people, they’re pretty damn good at poker faces. All he did was arch an eyebrow and I wasn’t sure if it was surprise, irritation, contemplation, or if he just had the urge to wiggle a brow muscle. Pretty sure it wasn’t that last one. Maybe.

“I assume you’re thanking me for not arresting you for assaulting a member of the royal family,” he confirmed before continuing, “Prince Blueblood is young and very foalish. He doesn’t understand the weight of his responsibilities nor does he comprehend consequences of his very self-centered behavior. I can’t say I wouldn’t have taken action against you, had I not been under conflicting orders. But, I will... admit... Had I not been trying so hard not to laugh, I wouldn’t have fallen off back during liftoff.”

After a few seconds of silence, he subtly added, “And yes, he’s had that coming for years.”

“Damn straight!” I gave him an obligatory nod of awesome-acknowledgement. “So, to find Luna. Okay. That I can do. Just gotta think.”

“Princess Luna. And what do you mean? You don’t know?” He sounded a tad surprised. “She said you would know where to find her, though.”

“I think she was referencing that I would know how to find her. Not exactly where to find her,” I pointed out as I began contemplating, running a hoof over my chin.

I fetched myself a cigarette to help the thinking process run a little more smoothly. It helped a little, but not enough to come to an immediate answer.

“Meh, all it means is that she’s someplace that the rest of you ponies wouldn’t typically go. Especially if it was a place that a human wouldn’t find himself concerned with,” I clarified for him as we soared along at LUDICROUS SPEED.

It wasn’t until I heard myself say it that I figured it all out. There was only one place that I knew of that ponies actively avoided altogether.

“Oh,” I gave a chuckle, “of course.”

“That simple, hmm? Let’s hear it, then,” he pressed with a wing nudge at my ribs. I’ll take the time to mention, I’m tired of other ponies having wings. You’re probably tired of hearing about it. I’m okay with that, too. Not that I’ll stop anytime soon, I’m just letting you know that it doesn’t bother me that it bothers you.

“Oh, well it’s quite simple, actually. It’s a place where the ponies won’t go for certain. Well, not without a damn good reason, anyway,” I said with a nod. “‘Where the trees grow, the animals care for themselves and the clouds move... All on their own~!’”

“What?” He wasn’t catching onto the reference. Poor guy never saw the show. Not that he’d ever actually… see it. Hee-Hee~!

“The Everfree Forest, my zappy little friend!” I smirked as I took another pull on my Mareboro. “Let’s do this!”

With that, I cranked up the speed on Celestia’s Awesome Sky Carriage of Awesomeness™. Let me tell you, that thing could pull some G’s. I’m pretty sure I approached Sonic Flameboom speeds back there or something. I peeked down over the edge and started to land before Storm Wing asked what I was doing. Turns out that the nasty, dangerous forest between Ponyville and Canterlot was actually not the Everfree Forest, but rather, it was the nasty, dangerous bog from that Feeling Pinkie Keen episode. Derp!

* * *

Surprisingly enough, our destination was actually on the other side of Ponyville. No big deal. In fact, I realized that I would be needing a guide anyway, right? Ergo a quick stop by Ponyville would not only be fun, but ultimately pragmatic! So I decided to fly in low over the best pony town in all of Equestria in hopes of spotting one of the Mane Six. Worst case scenario, I would be able to get a bit of guidance, as they’ve all be in the forest at least twice. Storm Wing couldn’t actually see so I didn’t bother checking if he could lead the way. Sure enough, as I passed over Town Square, I spotted Twilight pawing at the dirt near the crater. You know… The one that I probably caused on my way in? Well, Twilight seemed super duper interested in it. I mean, she had to have brought out her half of her library and probably all of laboratory with her. No really, she could have made a sizeable bookfort out of all that stuff.

“DETOUR!” I yelled as I suddenly swung it around, throwing poor Storm Wing right off due to my rapid, unexpected turn.

I broke speed just above Twilight and laughed at the poor pegasus as he reoriented himself. Twilight spotted us and waved a hoof with an excited smile. I grinned back at the OP little unicorn and lowered the Carriage.

“Cute.” His visage was not a happy one. Which, of course, made me happy in return. “Why are we stopping?”

“Phoning a friend,” I answered as I hopped off beside the purple pony. “Twilight!”

I gave her a big pony hug, to which she laughed a bit. “Hey, No-Name, it’s been a while! Did you learn anything from Princess Luna? And who’s your friend?”

“I learned lots! And this stick-in-the-mud is to be ignored,” I assured her with a nod, “He’s also blind, so you can make faces at him and he won’t know! See watch!”

I turned and stuck my tongue out at him. Twilight had her usual reaction: Stare at me like I was nuts. You’d think she’d have learned by now.

“How mature. Get your tongue back in your muzzle,” he groaned before sighing, “Look, human, I’m not wasting time. Catch up to me at the Everfree Forest. I’ll try and find Luna while you’re busy playing hooky with your fillyfriend. Hopefully, by the time you’re done blowing off your responsibilities, all you’ll have to do is meet up with me and we can go straight to her.”

“Whatever you say, Stick-in-the-mud!” I called out to him, smirking as he turned around and bolted.

Literally bolted, that is. Because when I say bolted I don’t mean he took off really fast. I mean it was like he made like a bolt of lightning and was gone. He also left us with a deafening thunder crack and a charred spot where he once was. I wasn’t sure until then, but after that I felt I could safely classify him as a bigger showoff than me.

“Wow,” Twilight blinked to clear up her eyes, “Flashy.”

“Hmmm. Yeah. You think he’s as fast as Rainbow Dash?” I mused before remembering that I didn’t really have the luxury of wasting a bunch of time. “Actually, skip it. Hey, Twilight, come with me to the Everfree Forest! We’s gots us some advertureings to do!”

“What? No, I’m still busy here! I’ve learned a lot, though!” She pointed at her book full of notes and began to recite her findings, “As you can see, I’ve been hard at work analyzing the am-...”

Now, I can’t believe I was able to stay focused. Really, it baffles me. But stay focused I did. Because whatever Twilight had to show me did very much interest me because… Well, I might actually understand a modicum of it thanks to Luna’s Brutal School of Hard Knocks on the Head. Also, it might have shed some light on what specifically brought me to Equestria. Still, I didn’t have time to mess around so I opted for the best of both worlds.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up,” I cut her off, giving her a bashful smile. “Twilight, could you cast a spell to create an exact copy of this book? Like right now? That stuffy pegasus was technically being honest; we’re on something of a time budget.”

“Oh, to read on the way? Hmm, I guess so,” she said after a moment of contemplation, “Here, come this way. The crater is radiating some form of magic suppressant. It’s fascinating, though!”

We walked about twenty feet away from the crater before stopping. She had to carry the book in her mouth, which I have to say… Twilight’s adorable when she does that. Wait… I don’t mean to say that she looks good with things in her mouth. I’m just… You know how they are with… Hmm, this is a hole. I’ve dug myself into it. Let’s just say that Twilight would make an awesome puppy if she didn’t use unicorn magic. There, that seems safe enough, right?

After setting the book down, she smiled and began preparation for a quick spell, fetching a blank book of approximately equal size. I didn’t understand what she was getting at right away, but it didn’t take me long to figure it out.

“Oh!” I nodded eagerly as I levitated a large sheet of paper from her raw materials to keep dust from getting in the way. “Right. It’s easier to replicate details when you don’t have to replicate the foundation. Duh.”

Twilight started to agree before blinking at me. “I’m… surprised you know that.”

“Yeah, Luna’s a monster of an instructor,” I muttered with a slight shudder. “Seriously. There are actual punishments for failure. Like, dangerous punishments.”

She did this whole jaw drop thing and started to stammer but I was ready for that, actually. Twilight never seemed to understand that she was ten times as awesome as any other unicorn but was quick to recognize the accomplishments and accolades of others.

“Oh, don’t even, Miss Faithful Student.” I stuck my tongue out at her. “I’ve had two weeks of painful, abusive lessons. While they’ve certainly produced results, you’ve had years of theory-practice and application. Besides, I’d rather have Celestia for a teacher any day of the week.”

“Well, I...” She started to reply before catching on that I was spouting out information that I had no business having access to. “Wait, how do you know all that?”

I blinked before facehoofing. Damn it, I’d done it yet again. I let out a sigh and began to mentally abuse the part of my brain that controls my mouth for not waiting up on the rest of me.

“I’ll… I’ll explain later, Twilight. I promise.” I groaned before rolling my eyes at my own stupidity. “I just… It’s a really long story and it’s actually part of the reason why I’m in such a rush. So uh… If we could delay a little less.”

“Oh. Right, sorry.” Madame Sparkle nodded quickly before turning to the two books and placing them on the paper. One sparkly horn later, both tomes snapped open and began to flip their pages at insane speeds, only the used book on the right seemed to be throwing specks of black ink at the empty book on the left.

“Damn!” I exclaimed. I have to confess, I was definitely impressed at the speed and efficiency that Twilight was employing. I almost expected her to just summon a replica from scratch, but that would have actually been quite taxing. This was getting the same results with only a few more seconds involved and using less than a tenth of the magical muscle.

“Geez, Twilight,” I flew the newly printed book over to myself and flipped through a few pages. A perfect copy, no doubt about it. But then again, this is Miss Sparkle we are talking about; Celestia’s star pupil? I mean, let me channel Trixie and just say ‘was there ever any doubt?’

“It wasn’t that impressive… was it?” she murmured modestly, blushing a tad.

“Awwww~! You are so cute when you’re humble!” I gushed at her before setting the book back down and winking slyly.

“My turn!” I exclaimed before stomping down on either side it, absorbing it like a pro as it went up in a torrent of turquoise and crimson flames.

“What are you doing?!” She gasped before seeing me tremble all over, sorting through all the information she had compiled. “What... did you do?”

We know Twilight’s smart. I don’t think anyone knows just how smart she really is. I’m just going to give you a quick rundown because we’ll be here all day if I touch on even half the subjects she addressed in detail. She had notes, measurements, hypotheses (Yeah, that’s the correct way to spell the plural form. I would know. It was in Twilight’s notes!), results of many, many, many experiments, (I’m talking dozens) antimagic equations pertaining to a number of popular spells, a few solid theories on the effects of prolonged exposure to what she called the ‘antimagic radiating submatter henceforth known as Inmanipulon,’ the process of how the radiating dirt prevented magic (I can’t even pronounce some of these words), the interactive process between the anti-magic and magic radiation which she called ‘Manipulable Antisubdimensional-Resonance Relativity,’ possible applications concerning antimagic uses if made controllable… I’m boring you, aren’t I? Well, I understood most of it simply because she was that thorough explaining every last detail, with little over two hundred footnotes and references to books, laws, and theories.

TL;DR - Twilight knows more about magic than anything you know about anything. By a long shot. Seriously, where did all those botched-spell fics even come from? I mean, even when Twilight cast a spell to make the parasprites stop eating food, that spell technically didn’t fail!

As I tried to contend with the rush of information, I felt Twilight’s hoof rest onto my shoulder. Patty Cake’s quaint little cookbook had been warm gelatin in comparison to the boulder of information the purple unicorn had just fed me. After a good two minutes of staring off into Lala-Land, I simply forced my mind to think about ponies to occupy it with something else. Luckily that seemed to work just fine and I was overjoyed to discover that just the thought of ponies made my life so much easier yet again. It took another moment to gather my thoughts before accessing the information once more, this time choking the flow of information more fluidly.

The high points were:

1). It was new. Never before had such a thing as antimagic ever existed in Equestria. In fact, several thaumaturgists (spell inventors – FYI) had been universally failing in their endeavors to create or discover this very substance or anything just like it.

2). It seemed to have an unstable molecular structure, meaning it could become liquid, solid, gaseous or even plasma given the right set of circumstances.

3). Given enough exposure to higher quantities, it could potentially scramble the innate magical workings of a pony and really mess them up. Not kill them, but really harm them for a long time. Kinda like a less-lethal pony cancer.

“Ow,” I said as my eyes rolled back into my head for a moment. “Twilight, how long have you been out here?”

“About eleven hours. I’ve been hard at work and I’ve learned so much these past several days!” she answered with bashful smile, looking somewhat ashamed for having done so.

“You can stop being an overachiever anytime you feel like it,” I responded, giving my head a shake to clear it up a bit, “Wow, that’s pretty amazing, to be honest. Okay, this anti-magic...”

“Inmanipulon,” Twilight corrected with a hopeful smile.

“Right, right,” I shook my head with a chuckle, “Anyway, see if you can determine the source of this stuff and I’ll see if I can’t help out later. Or at least bask in your awesome in hopes of getting some to rub off on me.”

Twi giggled a bit before holding up a gracious hoof and setting it over her chest. “Well, I suppose I can be kind enough to allow that.”

“Goodness, you’re such a saint!” I gave her a snarky smirk before remembering I didn’t have time to cut up all day. “Oh, right! Um, since y'all are gonna be busy, who can I hit up to help me navigate the Everfree Forest? I’ve kinda been taking too long as it is.”

“Um, Twilight. Excuse me, but I got everything you asked for,” I heard a quiet, familiar voice peep up behind me, “I... I’m sorry, am I interrupting?”

It wasn’t even a thought process, really. Stoic just stepped aside as Lafter barreled right into my immediate decision making. I instantly shrieked like a woman and turned to wrap my hooves about Fluttershy’s neck, causing her to seize up as though I had thrown cold water in her face. I was quivering with excitement like a freakin’ maraca and to say that I was out of control was a practice in understating.

“FLUTTERSHY!!” I can’t say I even recognized my voice. “OMIGOSHOMIGOSHOMIGOSHOMIGOSHOMIGOSH!”

Fluttershy was shocked into dropping the basket she was carrying but thankfully did not start flailing about in panic. Looking back, I wonder if whatever she was carrying happened to be important. I mean, I didn’t care about the basket, nor its contents, seeing as neither of them were Fluttershy… So yeah. Hope it wasn’t fragile or something!

“N... No-Name, you’re scaring her!” Twilight protested, quite distraught with me and my lack of respect for the pink-haired pony’s personal space.

“I’m so sorry!” I whispered fearfully, my voice becoming deadly serious. Not that I let go of her or anything; I just stopped all the hyperactive bouncing and shaking. “Fluttershy. I’m sorry, Fluttershy. I apologize. Do you accept my apology? Accept my apology. I will cry if you say no.”

“W-What?!” The poor confused pony gasped. Even ‘er gashps are grasheful~!

Twilight yelled at me some more, but I was huggin’ Fluttershy so that wasn’t very important to me at the time. I’m sure you understand.

“Don’t make me cry! I’ll cry, Fluttershy!” I pleaded with a whimper, sounding extra ridiculous if I do say so myself. I know, I know. It was way too much. But I was so very lost in the moment. My apologies to everyone. “You don’t want me to cry do you?”

“N... N-N... N-No?” she stammered eventually.

“Then I’m sorry for scaring you,” I whined, still hugging her like a champ.

“It’s... It’s... … It’s alright,” she answered, giving a hesitant laugh.

“I’mma let you go now. Don’t run away, please.”

I could hear the hope of salvation in her voice when she said, “I… I won’t!”

“Pinkie Promise?”

“NO-NAME!” Twilight shouted.

“Right!” I let go of her and laid flat against the ground. I hid my face underneath my forelegs and whimpered. “I’m sorry, but I just need Fluttershy’s help to save the princess! You want to help save the princess, right?”

I had only just been struck with the idea that she could be my guide and to be fair, it was a genius idea. ‘Cause, come on! Time spent with Fluttershy! That was like Christmas! Only 20% co-... Actually, that would be a really cold Christmas, so nevermind. But still! Chillaxin’ with the Shy was, like, the best idea ever! Going on an adventure with her only made it MORE AWESOME!

“No-Name! Stop that this instant!” I heard Twilight cry out at me. I’m sorry, Twilight, No-Name is not available at the moment. Please leave your name and number and he’ll get back to you as soon as possible.

“What?! That’s your name?!” Fluttershy didn’t seem to trust me very much. And here I was being so nice.

“Help me, Fluttershy Kind-Pony! You’re my only hope!” I urged her, my voice muffled from under my hooves. I also might have sniffled in an attempt to help the guilt tripping process along. Shit, I’d totally forgotten about that until just now. I think that slides me straight into the Chaotic Evil category or something.

“I give up!” Twilight finally left me alone. See, she is a smart girl.

“O-Okay! I’ll help!” Fluttershy promised, “J-Just don’t cry! Please!”

I somehow launched myself four feet into the air with a squeak-smile. I would have proceeded to the part where I squee everywhere and the following clean-up (which would have taken hours) but I got distracted by that squeak. I almost freaked out and demanded to know how that worked, but Stoic flew in with a superman cape to drop kick me back into reasonable thinking.

Luna still needs help. Stop screwing around. Right. Get moving.

Poor Fluttershy looked quite frazzled, standing at the ready to dodge in case I lost control again. I sat on my haunches and smiled happily at her before nodding, “Right. Then we best get going. Princess Luna needs our help.”

“R-Right now!?” She looked absolutely horrified.

“‘R-Right now!’” I mimicked with a nod, turning and hopping onto the A.S.C.A.™

“Now, now?”

“Yes, of course, ‘Now, now’! Princess Luna won’t save herself.” I nodded enthusiastically, holding a hoof out to her. “C’mon!”

“But, uh...” Not sure why, but she still didn’t trust me! After all we had been through! Yeah, I know. Shut up.

“Twilight, please tell her I’m not dangerous,” I said with a pout. Man, looking back, even I can say I was acting pretty damn weird.

“Ugh. Fine. But only because you actually do need a guide.” Twilight rolled her eyes before looking to Fluttershy, “I know, Fluttershy, he’s quite bizarre, but he’s harmless. Just don’t stand too close to him when he breathes that paper roll of his. It smells awful.”

Smoke? Around Fluttershy? What kind of barbarian did she take me for?

“There you have it, my lovely pink-haired friend!” I exclaimed before hopping back onto the Carriage. “Come forth! Let us be heroes!”

Fluttershy’s jaw dropped a bit as she tried to think of something to say before looking back at Twilight, who was already back to work at the crater. I gave an encouraging smile, to which she sighed miserably before getting onto the carriage and sitting down beside me.

“No-Name.” I heard Twilight call out after me.

“Yes, my pretty purple pony pal?” I smiled over at her, only to grimace at the glare I got in return. “Woah.”

“If anything happens to Fluttershy, you will be held responsible. You keep her safe,” she swore to me. I could see fire in her eyes. Fire that promised to burn me at any given moment. I knew that she wasn’t giving me a warning, but rather, she was making me a promise.

After recovering from the initial shock, I smiled and nodded. “Of course, Twilight. Trust me, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I let something happen to the kindest pony in both our worlds.”

“I’m just warning y-,” she started to continue, cutting her eyes at me.

“Good heavens, look at my wrist, is that the time? We’d best be going!” I laughed loudly before zipping off, entirely uncomfortable with being on the business end of Twilight’s horn.

Fluttershy was not used to riding, I noted, because she grabbed me in shock, to which she felt even less safe and instantly let go. I laughed and slowed it down a bit for her, cracking my neck as I let the wind catch my mane.

Fluttershy stared at me for several seconds. Apparently, my change in attitude was a little sudden for her and after thinking upon my words, she nodded timidly.

“How do you know my name?” she queried.

“It’s uh... It’s complicated,” I started, trying to think up an elaborate ruse. I could have just said Twilight told me or something, but as I turned to look in those big, questioning turquoise eyes, I’m not sure I could have handled it if she ever found out that I lied to her, “You see, I’m not from this world. And... I... Ah, hell.”

“What’s ‘hell?’” she asked, tilting her head cutely.

OMG BORDERLINE FLUTTERCUSSING!

“Don’t say that word, Fluttershy, it’s a bad word.” I instantly informed her, internally berating myself out for not having shown some restraint, “I have bad habits, you don’t want to mimic them.”

She looked so chastised; I don’t think I could have yelled at her and got a more intense reaction without her actually running away in tears. ”S-S-Sorry.”

“Oh... No. Nononono. Please, do not Fluttercry. I might not survive that,” I felt weak at whatever you call a pony’s knees. (Are they just knees?) What had I done?!

“What?” the very word seemed to confluttershy her even more, which thankfully distracted her from her sadness.

“Nothing. Here’s the truth, Fluttershy, I come from a world where we watch... I guess they’re not just... Whatever, we watch other worlds for entertainment, pleasure, inspiration, education, and a sense of desire to relate to ourselves,” I said with a helpful smirk, “You’re pretty famous where I come from.”

“W... What?!” she looked utterly put out at the thought of being famous again. Also, she said ‘What’ a lot, “W-Why am I famous?!”

“Because you’re the kindest, cutest, sweetest, soft-hearted pony ever,” I replied with a laugh, smiling at her. “If somepony can’t relate to you, they want to protect you, if they can’t protect you, they want to empower you. You’re an idol. When you faced down the dragon, you were inspiring. When you stared down the cockatrice, you were a hero! When you... Well, you get the idea. In short, Fluttershy, you’re pretty awesome. And I’m sorry about the scare back there with all the hugging and shamelessness. You’re just that much of a positive influence on a lot of lives. At least I didn’t pass out this time. Rainbow Dash just caught me off guard so much. Talk about embarrassing.”

Her eyes were about as big as baseballs as she stared at me in awe. She eventually smiled a bit and looked down, all bashful and keyoot~!

“I guess... that... that doesn’t sound so... bad, actually,” she murmured, mostly to herself.

“Not at all,” I chuckled with a smile.

Who says I can’t make a convincing argument?

* * *

Well, the flight went pretty well. Zoomed on over to the edge of the Everfree forest and touched down to go the rest of the way on hoof. Why? Well, to be perfectly honest, I don’t think Luna wanted to speak to anyone at all, myself being the sole exception. If she saw Celestia’s personal carriage, I don’t think she would reveal herself. Now, I’m sure there are plenty of reasons as why I should take the A.S.C.A.™, but I really didn’t want to take any chances. Besides, the high altitude was scaring poor Fluttershy and I don’t think my conscience could have taken much of that.

The Everfree Forest looks exactly like you would expect it to, unsurprisingly. It’s a forest. The only odd thing about it was the terrain. It was torn up something fierce. There were loads of ravines and canyons. A lot of them seemed to be cut by rivers, but many more of them seemed eerily bottomless. Still, obstacles notwithstanding, it was pretty uneventful. Fluttershy commented on lots of flora and fauna, warning me away from anything particularly nasty. She was quite convinced that each of them were special and wonderful in their own way. I mean, you know you’re dealing with the Bearer of Kindness if she can’t find one bad thing to say about spiders. To her, spiders were ‘nice’, which was a point we had to disagree on.

“They have their place in nature just like everything else!” she protested loudly… Which is to say her voice was mostly audible.

“And their place is to suck!” I reasonably stated. Perfect. Logic. “And also to be demonic vessels of terror and dismay!”

“That… That makes no sense!” She almost looked offended. I mean, she definitely wasn’t offended; this was spiders we were talking about after all. “They make such beautiful tapestries and come in a wonderful variety of colors!”

“Your face makes no sense!” I can’t believe I said that to Fluttershy. What is wrong with me? “Spiders are eldritch abominations and those ‘beautiful’ tapestries are meant for nothing more than to murder innocent insects!”

I would like to take this time to confirm that, yes, I was having an argument with Fluttershy. I don’t rightly know what is wrong with me, but it’s got to be pretty freaking significant that even Fluttershy can’t put up with it.

“It… It’s not murder!” She did that adorable thing where she drops her jaw and looks utterly helpless for a second or two. There was a quick recovery though and she came back for more. “They are carnivorous, and they have to eat like everything else!”

I flipped that metaphorical table like a beast. “Why can’t they eat each other, then?!”

“Because they are predators!” she cried in shock, as though such a suggestion were too terrible to comprehend. “And they must seek food that cannot… fight back…”

Naturally, we still made our way through the Everfree Forest while this was all going on, but I will admit that we really weren’t paying too much attention to our surroundings by this point. Thank God a manticore didn’t jump out and eat me or something. At least let me win the debate with Fluttershy first.

“So, they’re bullies, now!” I scoffed with a roll of my eyes. “Oh, sing more praises for the vaunted spider!”

Why was I being such a dick?! Were spiders really that much more important than Fluttershy?! … Hmmm. No, I don’t think so, but it’s still a close call. Still, I was being rather silly and Fluttershy was getting all Flustershy’d over this whole thing. It was… somewhat trollish of me, I’ll admit. She decided to go for the jugular, though, after several seconds of tense silence.

“You…” She started, searching for the right words to say before trying again, “You picking on them makes you just as much a bully!”

Oh gosh. Fluttershy just one-up’d me. There were two options. One-up her back… Or derail this nonsense with a greater nonsense. Since I really don’t have what it takes to insult Fluttershy directly, I had to go with the second choice. Certain religious groups might consider choosing either option a great heresy, but there was no stopping the insanity.

I stopped and blinked several times. Fluttershy paused right beside me and I swear, I watched her pale with the realization that her words might have hurt me. They didn’t, I assure you. But… If I just let her think that… For just a little while…

“I… I’m a bully?” I poked out my bottom lip and let my eyes mist over a bit.

“Oh… Oh goodness,” she stammered in horror, “I didn’t mean that!”

I am such a tool.

“I don’t even have a name, Fluttershy!” I faux-blubbered as I flopped over onto my side. “How could you be so mean?!”

“I’m so sorry, I was just… I… I…” Ermagerd! Flutterpanicking!

I couldn’t keep it up. Even through all the hammy bullshit, unhappy Fluttershy was killing me inside and I immediately hopped up with a sadistic chuckle.

I smiled brightly at the perplexed expression she now wore. “I’m just picking on you, Fluttershy! Hah! I must be a bully!”

I’ll say it again. I am such a tool.

“You… But…” Her feathers ruffled a bit and she frowned, lowering her head somewhat. “Th-That’s not very nice, Mister No-Name. I was worried I had hurt your feelings.”

I frowned back before cantering over and replacing my snide smirk with a genuine grin. She hid mostly behind her hair, glancing down at the ground to avoid making eye-contact. I didn’t know if I had crossed the line or not, but I really wasn’t going to take the chance to mess things up on making friends with Miss Shy.

“Hey, I’m sorry,” I pressed a tad, tilting my head a little to the left. “Your concern for my emotional well-being is both appreciated and cherished, my lady. Forgive me for the harassment; you didn’t deserve it. Totally serious.”

That smoothed things over quite a bit. She blinked and looked up, not having fully anticipated an apology. After a moment of quiet consideration, she allowed a small smile and fidgeted her hoof about with a nod.

“Well, I… It’s not a bother, Mister No-Name,” she murmured demurely, “It was just a joke, after all. Right?”

I shook my head vehemently. “Not at all. Spiders freakin’ suck!”

A troll to the end, it seems. Still gotta get that brain-to-mouth filter installed.

“Wha…!?” she gasped in shock, “B-But!”

Thank Celestia a certain flashy pegasus decided to show up, because we were about to get into it all over again. And yes, he lands the same way he takes off. Like a bolt of lightning.

KRACKA-BOOM!

Well, unfortunately I had my eyes open, so not only did I squeal like a girl, but I also couldn’t see well enough to hide behind something. Luckily Fluttershy squeaked too, so I could blame all the girly noises on her. Unsurprisingly, Fluttershy ran to hide behind something. I was instead surprised, however, that she chose me to hide behind. Now I know how that feels. I think I’m going to hide behind Fluttershy next chance I get just so that she gets a taste of her own medicine. Seriously, who puts the comedian in harm’s way!? That’s how they get killed!

Storm Wing was staring or sensing or whatever at Fluttershy, his expression quite plain. “Why did you bring a civilian into the Everfree Forest?”

I glanced back at Fluttershy before glaring over at the Sky Archon and pointing an accusing hoof at him. “Storm Wing! You scared Fluttershy! Apologize!”

He opened his mouth as though he were at a loss. That was somewhat gratifying, I’ll admit.

“I…” he started to say before he was cut short.

“Will apologize right now!” I finished for him. Yeah, I’m a goofball, I know.

“Ugh…” He rolled his eyes in disdain before turning somewhat to the side and sighing. “Please accept my humble apology, Miss Fluttershy. I did not intend to frighten you. But we are on a very important mission and the human, here, is slowing us down by bringing innocent bystanders into a highly fragile situation.”

Fluttershy’s fright was rapidly transformed into slight confusion. She gazed at Storm Wing as though there was something she just couldn’t figure out. She stepped out from behind me and curiously cantered up to Storm Wing, getting uncharacteristically close. I don’t think Storm Wing liked her proximity because he leaned away before taking a few steps back. I glanced back at the white-blue pegasus before nudging the timid, yet strangely curious mare.

“O-Oh!” she piped, suddenly remembering she had social niceties to participate in. She glanced back at me, flattening her ears as she blushed. “I… I’m alright, you just… Frightened me… Excuse me, sir, but are you blind?”

Storm Wing went to reply, but I was too quick for him!

“He’s totally blind, Fluttershy.” I nodded enthusiastically as I began to tell a complete bullshit story complete with dramatic hoof-waving. “He lost his eyes in a selfless act that saved Princess Celestia from the Greater Archdragon. The foul beast breathed its horrible magic breath and Storm Wing flew too close to the sun! There were explosions everywhere, but Celestia invoked the right of deus ex machina to prevent cataclysmic damage! And then there was a big celebration. His bravery has preserved peace in Equestria for many years past and many years to come.”

The two pegasus ponies were silent for the whole thing and gladly responded by staring at me as though I were insane.

“True story, bro,” I said with a serious nod.

Storm Wing finally turned to face the other pegasus, sighing in exasperation as if to say I was being a burden on him somehow (which is utter nonsense, no?). “Miss Fluttershy, ignore him, please. He’s fabricating that entirely. Yes, I am blind and always have been. If you’re wondering, I’m able to perceive my surroundings by sensing the magical aura that all things exude.”

“That’s… That’s ama-…” She started to say before the skies began to darken as though night were fast approaching. We all promptly forgot about spiders and apologies and instead occupied our time gawking up at the stormy clouds swirling overhead at incredibly unnatural speeds. That sort of thing can really interrupt a conversation bring attention to itself, after all. Hell, it didn’t even need The Nightmare to keep us distracted from the incredibly important conversation about ponies and blindness. Oh, right. The Nightmare was also up there, soaring by like a big, nasty swirl of hatred… Mostly because that is exactly what it was, so big shocker there, eh?

“That was The Nightmare,” Storm Wing murmured the obvious, furrowing his brow furiously. “Were you able to see it?”

“Yeah,” I replied with a nod, “but why the hell is it here!?”

“Oh… Oh my goodness!” Fluttershy was combating her inner urge to panic like a boss. “Oh, you… you don’t think it’s after the princess, do you?”

I looked at Storm Wing, he sensed back at me and our expressions said it all.

Mother of God.

Not even a second later, Storm Wing took off in a blaze of sparkles. Not exactly manly, but hey, he isn’t a vampire. There was no way I was going to keep up with him, but hey, I wasn’t just going to sit down! I took off running as fast as I could (which is to say very slowly (Fluttershy was keeping up with me (Le sigh))).

“It’s headed for the old capital!” Fluttershy squeaked alongside me as we chased after Storm Wing. I was sort of proud of her, actually. I totally expected her to run away at the first sign of danger, but here she was, running straight towards The Nightmare.

I blinked and gave her a hopeless glance. “The what?!”

“The ruins!” she explained (fruitlessly).

“Which ruins!?” I cried, suddenly feeling a chilly breeze blow past us both.

“The Ruins Of The Ancient Castle Of The Royal Pony Sisters,” she huffed as she galloped relentlessly.

… What a mouthful. Wait. I knew that name. That was the impractically long name of the old beat up castle that held the Elements of Harmony! Why hadn’t I thought of that at the time!? Of course Luna was there! That was something a brony would know and… Hell, that was the first time everyone got to see what Princess Luna looked like! Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!

We approached a large rope bridge and just as I was about to reply to Fluttershy, we found our conversation interrupted by a pegasus. A big one. Landed just in front of the rope bridge and remained motionless with a pair of glowing blue eyes staring us down. Dude had to be taller than Celestia. I kid you not, he was a beast of a pegasus, covered nose to flank in dark grey platebarding that looked as though it had seen a few years of service. The chill in the air was definitely coming directly from him; that much was for certain. His breath wafted out of his full-covering helmet like steam and a shroud of mist lazily drifted off of his mane and tail as though they were dry ice. I’m not going to sugarcoat it, fillies and gentlecolts. This pony (if you could call him that) was downright intimidating.

“Jumping Giant Pega-Ponies! Lookit the size of that mother!” I shouted, hitting the brakes and sliding to a stop.

Fluttershy, having hid behind me again (Damn it, Shy, you’re doing it wrong! I hide behind you!), peaked from over my shoulder and let out a fearful peep. It wasn’t until the titanic pegasus reared up on his back hooves did he finally speak.

“Be… GONE!” He shouted, his voice somehow amplified so loudly that it all but deafened me. One flap of his wings blew an incredibly strong gust of wind filled with sleet our way. It… felt cold when it surged over us, but despite that, I actually didn’t feel particularly chilled by it. I think I know why these days, but at the time, I was a little baffled.

And then Storm Wing came back like the super pony that he is! He pragmatically soared in from behind and body checked the gargantuan equine right in the back of the head. It sent the guy’s head forward and planted it right in the ground. Granted, the bastard was getting back up almost instantly but he wasn’t being quick about it. Storm landed, placing himself between us and Frosty the Road Block.

Now, as awesome as that was, I have no control over my ADD. So rather than provide something useful or complimentary, I decided to let my filterless mouth drop some useless Trivia.

“Hey, I know that bridge!” I piped happily, as though I were being a great help (I wasn’t). “That’s where The Nightmare tried to seduce Rainbow Dash with fame!”

Storm Wing sagged a bit, as though he expected something more out of me. I don’t know why he would do that, but I guess he had not known me for very long at the time. “That’s great. Now, if you don’t mi-…”

Fluttershy was busy panicking behind me as though she were moments away from a cardiac arrest. She was trying to spout poetry or something, but she wasn’t very good at it. It all came out as, “Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!”

“She needs to be anywhere but here, Human.”

The impatience in Storm Wing’s voice was more than apparent. It struck something of a note in me, reminding me I needed to stop being an idiot and start listening to Celestia. Namely the part where I treat this situation with the severity that it actually warrants. That would be the part where Stoic takes hold of the wheel again and Lafter goes back into the box where he would be staying for a little while.

I turned to the frightened filly behind me and fruitlessly began trying to get her attention.

“Fluttershy.”

More panic.

“Fluttershy?”

I think she was hyperventilating because she seemed to be in the middle of losing consciousness.

After the second attempt, I just grabbed her face and pulled it to face mine.“Fluttershy! Listen up! I need you to get back to Ponyville. Tell Twilight to contact Princess Celestia and tell her where we are, what has happened, and bring the Elements of Harmony. Pronto.”

She nodded before glancing to the side and looking back at Gigantor the Winged. Just setting her eyes on him seemed to terrify her, so naturally it got worse when he began to lumber our way before picking up speed.

“VAMANOS, SEÑORITA!” I shouted, bringing her back to reality yet a second time.

Either Fluttershy can speak Spanish, or she got the idea. Not that I care more for one result over the other, I was just glad that she started making air-tracks.

“Okay,” I turned back to Storm Wing, suppressing my own urge to freak at the sight our massive host bearing down on us. “What do we do?”

“I am going to take care of the obstacle,” Storm Wing replied, gently pawing a hoof at the ground as his fur began to glow a bit. “You are going to go after The Nightmare on the off-chance that Luna needs help. Think you can do that?”

I glanced at Storm, then at the brutish fiend rushing our way.

“Yeah, but… Are you gonna be o-...” I started to ask.

So Storm Wing is the last pony that I’ll ever need to worry about. Ever. Before I even finished my sentence, he turned and took off towards Hoofy the Ice Giant. The little guy flew right under the pegasus and rocketed into the sky. It was like watching a puppy uppercut a human in the gut and both of them flying off into the sky. Funny as hell if you weren’t watching it in person (pony, whatever). Watching it firsthand? I was flabbergasted.

“Woah.” That’s what I say when I’m at a loss.

Storm Wing broke away from his opponent (see also: victim) and yelled down at me, “Go, you idiot!”

“Derp!” I blushed for being a sheep and took off running across the bridge and into the ruins.

Now, I don’t know if you guys understand just how big those ruins really are. Because they’re huge. In fact, I was all but certain that they had been a full blown city at one point. I say it that way because it was no longer even slightly useable. Some strange calamity had taken place here, as was evidenced by the strange number of crevices and canyons that seemed to have no end to their descent and eventually found their epicenter in the heart of the city. It was like someone had taken a massive ball peen hammer and tapped a city-sized egg with it. More than one of the buildings had half fallen into the bottomless crevices, leaving their more fortunate halves standing with their contents exposed to the elements. Thanks to the passage of time, the buildings that had not fallen into the strange fractures that wound throughout the ruins were also unsuitable for any sort of use.

The only building that was worth a damn, really, was the palace. In the center of the withered city stood the castle itself, where all the massive canyons seemed to just perfectly taper off so as to leave the once regal building untouched by whatever catastrophe had visited itself upon the ancient city. I don’t think anyone has to think hard to guess why I headed for that one.

Anyway, I blitzed for the entrance which was open thanks to what I can infer was The Nightmare blasting the door off its hinges on the way through. I could hear voices coming from above, so I figured it wasn’t too late for me to show up and ruin everyone’s day. Well, that enthusiastic thinking got shut down as I approached the atrium and found that the only way to make my way up was the bane of my life. Goddamn stairs. Like this day could get any worse! I’d been picked on by Luna, beaten up by Storm Wing, had my smartphone burned, jumped out a damn window (why did I do that…) and now stairs!? STAIRS?! Ponies had invented turntables, but elevators were beyond them?! Hell, a catapult would do in a pinch, really. But I was fresh out of siege weaponry and thus had to hoof it all the way up.

So, yeah. I toughed it out. And by tough it out, I mean I dragged my heavy ass all the way up to the top, whimpering and bitching all the while. It took me a few minutes, but I did it. Not that I was worth anything by the time I got there. In fact, by the time I pushed upon the door that led out into the palace’s peak. It turned out to be that throne room where Nightmare Moon had smashed the Elements of Harmony.

There I found Luna, standing in front of the throne with The Nightmare in its pony form, languidly resting upon the royal plot-cushion (The technology for chairs had yet to be discovered, I guess). The Nightmare had that stupid Cheshire smile aimed at Luna, staring down at her with a sense of superiority. Luna, on the other hoof? Not so hot. Her mane was super frayed and her eyes were doing that thing where your pupils shake. From what I understand, that’s usually caused by severe trauma of some sort. I think we can take a few guesses as to what might have been the catalyst there.

“Oh good!” I cried, flopping over and panting like a dog. “Not too late. That’s… That’s a relief. Whoo~! Ahh…”

I decided a celebratory cigarette was in order. MmmMmm, good.

“Y-Y… You came!” Luna turned to look back at me in shock. Stuttering?

“Me!” I wheezed as I slowly rolled onto my back, lighting my cigarette on the way.

“The Deceiver!” The Nightmare shouted angrily as it sat up on its throne-like pillow.

“The cliché!” I gasped, barely able to get the words out before taking a pull off my cigarette. “Christ… I am… so… so out of shape!”

I craned my head about a little to look at the two of them before exhaling the nicotine-filled smoke. I kid you not, I almost passed out right there. I thought it was from the cigarette plus sitting down after that super hard dash up all those stairs. I imagine it’s a good thing that I didn’t. Luna still looked fairly conflicted and I’m not sure she would have protected me. Thankfully, I snapped my eyes back open and coughed a bit more.

“Sorry, I uhh… You alright, Luna?” I huffed in between breaths.

“D-Do I luh… look alright t-to you!?” she snapped suddenly, the anger in her voice getting across just fine.

“You look like… you’ve &%#@ed yourself up good and… good and proper, actually!” I chuckled breathlessly, “I’m kinda… surprised you’re able to… function at all.”

I started to doze off again, only to realize that A) I was not tired in the slightest and that B) I was being messed with. And apparently I wasn’t the only one to notice, either.

“S-Stop. I’m not d-d… duh… done talking to h-… him,” she said, glancing back at The Nightmare behind her.

I suddenly rolled back over and snarled angrily, not happy with the knowledge that I was being messed with.

“Stay out of this, Disney Villain! I swear to God, I toasted your sorry ass once and I’ll do it again!” I snapped, hopping up to my hooves. I pointed my horn at The Nightmare and snorted a gout of flames.

“You achieved victory through deception and nothing more!” she roared back, also taking a stand and baring her fangs at me.

“S-Shut up! Buh… Both of you!” Luna shrieked in frustration, glancing back and forth between us.

I sat down and looked away, taking a drag off my cigarette to show that I was willing to cooperate. The Nightmare didn’t show any signs of complacency other than keeping similarly silent.

“I… I don’t know what to th-think! I don’t know wuh-what to do! I just…” She trailed off and started to breathe rapidly before falling to her knees and letting out a mewling whimper. Out of reaction alone, I started to move to her but The Nightmare shot this magical spark at the floor in front of me.

She started to warn me away. “Keep your dis-…”

One good warning deserves another, right?

“You do that again and historians are going to write small print novels about the shit I do to you, understand!?” I shouted at the top of my lungs, easily taking control of the conversation. I do have one of the scariest yelling voices, I’m told, and it must be true because The Nightmare actually leaned away from me in shock. Even Luna shut her eyes and winced a little, which made me feel like a complete dick.

It did, however, put The Nightmare in its place. So with that all cleared up, I slowly cantered over to Luna and lowered my voice to a comforting murmur. “Hey… I know you’re probably not feeling great right now.”

I lowered my head to meet the princess at eye level and gave her a comforting smile. She opened her eyes and I could see tears starting to pool up. I could tell that she wasn’t certain whether or not she was happy to see me.

She stammered quietly as two lines of tears slipped down to her jaw line. “Why… Why not j-just… tell me the… the truth?”

I don’t know how I managed to look at her without letting my own emotional roller coaster take a dive, but I did. Don’t ask how; all I know is that I made it happen somehow.

I sighed, putting a little extra helplessness into it. “Would you have believed me?”

She sniffled a little, continuing to stare at me before finally shaking her head. I gave her a chuckle as if to say ‘there you have it, then.’ After another quiet moment, I dropped my gaze and half-frowned as I considered my next words.

“Look, Luna,” I started slow, taking both a seat and a drag off my cigarette. “I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. I mean, I’ve had to live alongside humanity’s darker side and all that, but what you did… The implications alone are staggering.”

“Perhaps you do not fully grasp the situation, Deceiver.” The Nightmare interjected as it stepped down the steps ascending to the throne. “To you, what has happened may seem crippling. But this is not your world. Events that you find depressing at worst can inspire great terror in the innocent minds of Equestria. Even Luna, old as the night itself, could not have prepared herself for you the terror you exposed her to.”

Initially, I wanted to bite of The Nightmare’s head and tell it to go to hell. But it spoke the truth. I mean, it’s big news all across Equestria if somepony hurts another. Back home? That doesn’t even make the local news unless it’s a hate crime. I lifted my head to meet Luna’s gaze again and was met with the same sad, soul-searching eyes. I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came to mind. So I sort of just sat there with my mouth open, unintentionally letting my cigarette tumble free.

“I… Luna, I…” I shut my eyes and looked down again. “I’m really, really sorry.”

“I d-did it to muh-myself,” she replied after a second or two. “Nuh… Not your f-fault.”

I started to reply before letting out a soft snort, realizing that what I was about to say was sort of… poetic, really.

“I guess if you were one to argue semantics or were looking to dodge responsibility, then yes. It wasn’t directly my fault,” I answered her, smirking as I looked up at her again. “But the fact is… something about swords and drawing them and… Yeah, I don’t remember it exactly.”

Luna blinked before facehoofing and letting out a short snicker. I’m not going to lie, that’s sort of the thing I live for. When someone is down or hurting something fierce, it feels absolutely wonderful to get a genuine laugh out of them. I smiled a bit, relaxing somewhat. It wasn’t until The Nightmare slid along the floor to stand just behind Luna that I had to remind myself that this wasn’t over yet. Strangely enough, the shadowy, pony-shaped… thing wasn’t even casting a shadow. I mean, I guess it was immaterial and all, but damn it, that’s not how physics work!

“Princess, do not be taken in by his charm. He may be kind and even genuinely earnest, but you’ve seen his world now. You know it better than I do, even,” she pointed out softly, swinging her head in my direction and baring teeth at me. “To allow him here is to allow the ruin of your beloved land and people.”

Luna set her hoof back down, her expression hardening a bit as she met my eyes with her own. The fear was there, of that there was no doubt. She was honestly worried that The Nightmare was right. Luna’s no fool, she knew The Nightmare had its own agenda, but there was also no denying that humanity coming into contact with her homeland could result in catastrophe. Probably would, even.

“Huh-He’s d-d-done no wrong. This is my do-do… doing and he did n-nuh… not even co… commmme here by his own volition,” Luna reasoned to The Nightmare with her eyes still locked on mine. “I… I… I can’t… wr… wr-wruh-… wrongfully imprison him. Or banish h-him. I d-don’t know what to do.”

“What do you think she should do, anyway?” I asked, tilting my head and looking at The Nightmare.

“I think we should strike a bargain,” she purred, becoming formless as she slid along the floor and redefining beside me. “We should offer the princess our own suggestions and let her decide. Regardless of the outcome, we abide. Is that acceptable, Deceiver?”

“What? Seriously?” I blinked, somewhat unable to believe my ears. I looked to Luna who glanced back and forth between the two of us. “Is that okay with you? I’ve no problem with this.”

Luna’s internal conflict was short-lived, thankfully. Whatever choice she made, it would feel less like hers yet still give her a sense of control. The illusion of there being no responsibility was there, even if it technically still was. I’m sure she’d have caught onto that right away were she in a more stable state, but at the moment, she was just looking for a way out.

“Wow,” I snorted mirthfully. Was The Nightmare really going to make it that easy? Probably not, but I definitely had nothing to lose. I knew Luna enough that she wasn’t going to compromise her principles for anything, even Equestria. She’s super stubborn like that, and I’d never seen her budge. “Sure. Deal. I think Luna should come back to Canterlot, get some rest, and take as much time as she feels she needs to come to a decision on what to do with me. I trust her judgment enough to know that she’ll make the right choice, even if it’s one that I don’t agree with.”

“Clever and cowardly,” The Nightmare sneered at me before turning back the Princess of the Night. “I offer you something more than prolonged inner turmoil, Princess. Give the human to me.”

“What?!” we both responded instantly. I wasn’t expecting this angle. Goodness, I sure felt like a dumbass at that moment.

“The human is a risk. One that you do not want, but cannot, in good conscience, punish for crimes he has yet to commit,” The Nightmare offered with a fanged smile. “I’ve given you the option of removing the threat you so rightly fear by allowing an ultimatum based solely on your decision. Should you give the human to me, I will use his body to set my affairs in order and leave Equestria exactly the way I found it. Forever. I know you view me as a threat as well and we can both agree that you can see the benefit of removing the two greatest threats you’ve ever known. You are under no obligation to put the protection of this alien above the protection of Equestria and your country will be safer than ever.”

A pragmatic leader would have jumped on that without thinking about it long enough to take two breaths. Luna snarled, shook her head and grunted in frustration.

““Thissss… This only makes it h… harder!” she hissed angrily.

She let her vision move back and forth between the two of us before settling on The Nightmare and narrowing her eyes. “What affairs do you need ‘set in order’?”

The Nightmare’s razor sharp smile lost a bit of its Cheshire edge. “That… It does not concern you. You need only know that Equestria will not suffer for it.”

“T-Thuh… That’s not g-good enough!” she stammered furiously, “No more v-v-veils! Ans… A-Answer me!”

The Nightmare’s turquoise eyes met Luna’s with equal fury. For several seconds nothing was said and I was feeling some nasty tension build up in that piece. Word. Seriously, though, I was getting ready for a fight to break out at any second, but The Nightmare finally lowered its smoky face with a sigh.

It bitterly muttered, “I do not know.”

“Then I’m guh-going t… to make my own ch-choice!” she snapped furiously before standing up on all fours. “I can keep a-an eye on h… him j-juh… on him just fine! B-But y… you’re uh-unstable!”

A green flickering light began to emit from the tip of Luna’s horn. It started out barely noticeable, but as she spoke, it became more and more prevalent.

“T-This way I… I c-cuh…This way I can still eliminate both threats!” Her voice, though unsteady, still carried an uncharacteristic malice. It wasn’t really Luna; it just didn’t feel like it, I mean. Whatever it was, I didn’t like hearing it. It just felt too spiteful to be coming from a pony in general, really.

Before either myself or The Nightmare could respond, the flickering magic quickly became a blinding beacon, flashing with the rapidity of a strobe light. It made me feel cold. And I had not noticed before then, but that was the first time I’d ever felt cold in Equestria. The Nightmare, however, shrieked in agony and lost its form as it slithered away from the princess.

“LUNA, NO!” she shrieked in such pain that I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. It sounded so real and… I dunno, I guess I wasn’t ready for that in Equestria. “PLEASE!”

“Y-You dare to… To call yourself a threat to my kingdom!?” There was a bit of mania in Luna’s eyes as she slowly chased The Nightmare, driving it step-by-step to the closest wall and pinning it there in a pool of indigo shadows and mist. “And then seek to tw-twist my wing i-into persecuting the innocent!?”

It cried a moment longer before seeming to flatten as though going limp. I was so caught unawares by everything taking place that I didn’t even react beyond just gawking with a slack jaw.

“L-Look at you, Luna…” The Nightmare’s haunting voice managed to whisper weakly. “You’re… becoming one of them… He’s c… corrupted you and he didn’t even try.”

“A p-poor choice f… for last words,” Luna snarled haltingly, “I hope y-you… you have something m-more profound t-to… to say before the end.”

“Ummm.” That was me finally adding my two cents. What?! I was a little dumbfounded by what was happening at the moment!

“L-Luna, you musn’t! I am not… yet finished! S… Spare me, I… I beg of you, Princess,” it whimpered, its loud and powerful voice now squelched to a pitiful, weak mewling.

Luna said nothing in return. She simply continued to step closer and closer as The Nightmare’s cries of pain diminished to childlike sobbing. I’m not going to lie, it was harrowing. And some part of me didn’t want to see it happen. Though, now that I consider it, it was probably all of me. Maybe Luna was right to try to snuff out The Nightmare. Maybe she was just finding a convenient target for her frustrations. Whatever the case, I caved to my gut instinct and dashed to intervene. So focused on The Nightmare was she that she had made herself unprepared for any interruption. I don’t know how close a call it had been, but I’m betting that I didn’t have a lot of wiggle room. Regardless, my tackle had been in time to spare The Nightmare’s life.

“Get out of here!” I yelled at The Nightmare as I held Luna down.

Luna was so shocked that her spell immediately lost its focus and winked out. The Nightmare hesitated the briefest of seconds before regaining a bit of her volume and swiftly swirling out the window. As soon as it was out of sight, I let the princess up and prepared myself for a pony-sized beating.

“What huh-have you done?!” she shrieked through her teeth as she got to all fours and, no lie, decked me in the face so hard that I stumbled back over my hind-legs.

I fell on my back and saw stars. Well, more like silvery sparkly things that let you know you are moments away from losing consciousness if you don’t stop doing whatever it is you are doing. That vaguely translated into ‘Stop letting Luna hoof you in the face – it is bad for you.’ Which made perfect sense, but there was just no way I was going to get it together enough actually do that within the next few seconds.

She pounced on me, holding me down with one foreleg as she lifted another hoof for a good old fashioned face-stomping. I don’t know exactly why, but she hesitated long enough for me to actually react.

Now, I’ve been in a few situations like this before, specifically the part where I don’t want to actually hurt my attacker. Best way to solve them? The power of hugs! Really, it’s not as stupid as you might think. When you’re the larger of the two, you’ll find it quite easy to literally wrap your arms around the other person. This robs them of swinging leverage and will often (not always, mind you) drain them of the will to hurt you. Don’t rely on that completely, because pinching and biting is still a thing, but it’s often still a good first resort. Don’t ask how I know these things, okay?

So yeah. I literally grabbed hold of her and just kept her from getting an angle to get a good, hard hit in. It really made her angrier for a few seconds and I was actually starting to wonder if I was going about this the wrong way. She was snarling and growling like an animal, trying to wiggle away from me. I was kinda freaking out; I won’t lie. Just as I was about to let her go and roll away, she began to chill out. When I say chill out, I don’t mean relax; I mean she went from furiously struggling to half-heartedly pushing. Eventually, even that tapered away and all her snarling degenerated into quiet simpering. When she finally ran herself out of steam, she just went limp and pressed the side of her face into my neck. She didn’t make any noise, but she did give out the erratic shudder every other second.

I was a little confused at first until I felt my fur touching her face start to dampen. She was crying on me.

“Luna? Yo, it’ll be okay,” I broke the silence as I slowly began loosening my hold around her. “It’s fine now.”

“It’s not fuh-fine!” she suddenly hollered, breaking down into a sob, “What h-have I duh... What have I done to myself!?”

My usual reaction when I see others cry is to cry right back, right? This was no exception. Well, it sort of was, actually. I didn’t actually start bawling right there with her, but I was definitely leaking out the eyeballs a little bit.

“I j-just h... hit you. And I wuh… I was g-going to keep hitting you,” she sputtered dismally, her tears starting to really soak my neck. Her stammering was bad enough without her crying, but I was still able to figure out what she was saying.

I inhaled deeply, swallowing the lump in my throat before letting out my breath. “No worries, okay? It’s… It’s okay now.”

“Sssstop saying that!” she snapped between her rapid gasping, “I... I n-never hit any... anypony before! N-Not like… Not like t-that! And I... I almost k... k...”

“Hey. Get up.” I gently ordered. Much to my relief, she obeyed and slowly pushed herself up, settling back onto her hindquarters. I followed suit and lifted her chin with my hoof so that she’d look at me. “You screwed up. I’m not saying you didn’t. I’m saying it’s okay that you did. And I’ll live. If the worst thing about this is that I got smacked around a bit, I think I’m gonna call that a win for the day, right? You didn’t kill The Nightmare, you didn’t pummel me into submission, and you haven’t gone crazy. Crazier, I mean.”

It took her a moment to absorb the fact that I’d just taken a shot at her. When she picked up on it, though, all she could do was roll her eyes and let out a half-sob, half-laugh as I wiped her tears away with my hoof. Also, hooves are known for their absorbent properties. Wait. No, that’s anything but hooves. Oh well, it worked and I’m not gonna question it.

“Y-Yuh... You are s... so s-stupid,” she finally muttered.

“God, if I only had a dollar every time I heard that,” I reminisced, smirking at her.

Luna eventually looked back down for a moment and sniffled for a few seconds before wiping at her nose.

“What was it like?” I asked, having no doubt that she would get what I was referencing. “Or are you okay to talk about it?”

She nodded a bit before taking a deep, steadying breath and letting it out of her nose.

“Too much,” she answered after a moment of contemplation, “I’m thou-... t-tens of thousands of years old. Hundreds of t... thousands c-couldn’t have prepared me. I... It was like reading a billion books at once... In a t... thousand d... d-different languages. I wa... wasn’t even... Ugh... I h-hate s... stuttering!”

“It’s kinda cute, actually.” I stuck my tongue out at her.

Well, she didn’t agree with me. And rather than be civil and tell me that she disagreed, she instead decided to hoof me right in the shoulder. Unsurprisingly, Luna’s stronger than your average pony, but that didn’t keep me from yukking it up as I fell onto my back. Celestia’s healing spell, while awesome, was all for nothing it had seemed.

“Y... You’re s... so happy!” she huffed, turning away from me as I sat back up with a chuckle, “How... How i-is that p... p... possible? Y-You come from a mmmuh… mmm-miserable place!”

“Luna, my silly filly,” I said as I pulled out another cigarette and rolled myself upright, “Where I come from, bad things happen. All the time. Ya can’t let it get to you. It’s how good people just stop caring. They die on the inside. But you don’t have to let it get to you. No matter how shitty things get, it will get better. It may seem like it won’t, but it will.”

Luna coughed a bit, clearing up the last of her sniffles as she glared at me out of the corner of her eyes, “I s... still think y-you’re stupid. Nameless jerk.”

“Yeah, well.” I nodded in consensus before lighting up. “I’m still the coolest human you’ve ever met.”

“That cuts buh… cuts both ways, you kn-know.” She rolled her eyes, not able to keep herself from smirking. It faded off her visage after a moment as she turned back to me. “That’s really h-how you f-face it. Juh-just... block out the bad stuff?”

“More or less.” I gave a shrug, which took a lot more effort than I wanted to expend, “I mean, saying it makes it sound like it’s easy. It isn’t. You still have to take the bad with the good. But just remember that you are always the one in control. You can’t ignore it like it isn’t there; you’ll have to face it. But you can face it and remind yourself that you can learn from this. Tragedy is the result of a problem and problems can be prevented when you see them coming. And you’re smart, Luna, so yeah, I’m confident that you’ll be okay. And, y’know… You got lots of ponies that are here for ya.”

“S... simple as that,” she scoffed, shaking her head as if to say I was crazy. Like so very many ponies before her.

“Eh... It’s slightly more nuanced than that, I admit.” I took a drag off the Mareboro and made a ‘so-so’ motion with my hoof. “But it does get easier with time.”

“Like a mental immune system, almost,” she said with a determined sigh.

“Sort of. Maybe more like a firewall? No matter what comes in, only the right stuff gets through?” I just meant it as a joke, but it seemed to strike a chord within her.

She blinked a few times, as though she were thinking about the word. She finally let out a soft, mirthful snort before smiling a bit. “Yeah. Like a firewall. Stupid things cause more problems than they solve, but they really help with the important stuff.”

“Don’t get me started,” I said with a sardonic roll of the eyes. “They’re, like, necessary and all that, but damn. Sometimes they just make me want to rip my hair out.”

“Oh, I can… I can relate,” she replied with a laugh. Standing up, she tossed a wink my way before slowly cantering for the exit. “Let’s go h-hom… home. Firewall.”

Firewall? I thought to myself. Then it hit me. I was all, Oh. Oh! … … Ohhhhh…

-=-

This has been a fan-written story by CardsLafter - Follow me on DeviantArt to stay up to date with TTEOAP

Want more Firewall and Friends? Visit the fanmade Firewall Club at DeviantArt!

Questions, Comments, and Criticism may be directed to the EQD Blogpage

For other questions or more personal comments, email me at [e-mail]

My Little Pony and all characters involved are © of Hasbro and Lauren Faust

Comments

[Captain Pudge Muffin]

Huzzah! Bran be praised!

[Flint]

WAZZUP i remember when there was only 2 chapters and GODDAMN 100k words sheesh thats a lot
keep up the good work

[Wet]

OH MAN!
SO THANKFUL

[Leviathan Splash]

I predict he'll get his Mark soon.

[RainingDash]

[Fourpony]

Is anyone else seeing two Chapter Fives with different word counts?

[TwiceMarked]

Yay! New chapter! Loving the rewrite, looking forward to seeing more.

[gryphon88]

I'm still confused as to when he/you gets his/your cutie mark.

[Wet]

1363111
PART ONE PART TWO

[GoG ToXiC]

It is currently 3:00 in the morning. I was supposed to be in bed hours ago, but your story has succeeded (AGAIN!) in keeping me awake far beyond my original intentions.

I don't begrudge you in the least. Keep up the mindbogglingly stunning, irrationally spectacular, never-failing-to-entertain-even-when-I'm-tired-and-want-to-go-to-bed-but-I-decide-to-read-this-anyway(ly) perfect work of fiction. You truly are a talented artist.

[clonezero]

And so continues the adventures of Firewall and Troll-Luna.

Funny how the revision doesn't make the old versions completely obsolete. These babies got their own bags of fun!

[Fourpony]

1363203
Oh, gotcha! Let this be a lesson to ya, never sleepy while read.

[lolz anonymous]

and he gets his name... finally.

[metallusionsismagic]

“You’re an ass.”

No offense Hayseed. t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRSbCgkbPZcMBmAkJHpeazRUWYT5_yPJ-orDTnvDIF6AYujqi8Dq5yKFFVe

I love this. So familiar but keeping it fresh! (And adding things earlier... Mr. Giant Pegasus.)
Nice job with justifying your treatment of Blueblood! Just when I thought The Best Day Ever had changed my mind...
In conclusion, this story is one of the bestest ever and one of two reasons I got into Fimfiction. You are the greatest Slafter of Cards ever!
Do you plan on releasing more parts of 15 before all the rewrites are up?

[HIEfan]

Once again i have seen pure awsomness in words, and it was this chapter that provided me with it, and for that i thank you.

[The First]

>inb4 Anon-Pony turns into an annoying piece of software.

[Shidotoku]

Whoa, this fic look popular, let's see what the fuss is about... *10,000 words each chapter* ...okay maybe some other time D: *add to the top of "read later" pile*

[strangephantasm]

Dear Mr. CardsLafter,

Your story has come to the attention of
The United Luna Is Best Princess Association Alliance Organization Confederation Affiliation Society Syndicate Ltd. ©®™.
Here at The United Luna Is Best Princess Association Alliance Organization Confederation Affiliation Society Syndicate Ltd. ©®™ we feel that you have made a tremendous contribution to the cause of furthering awareness that Best Princess Luna is in fact Best Princess in the eyes of the public at large. In recognition of this contribution, The United Luna Is Best Princess Association Alliance Organization Confederation Affiliation Society Syndicate Ltd. ©®™ are awarding you with the following:

1 "Atta boy!"
2 Pats on the back
1 Favorite
1 Like
1 Flutterhug

Congratulations on this achievement.
The United Luna Is Best Princess Association Alliance Organization Confederation Affiliation Society Syndicate Ltd. ©®™

[Jack Ass Knife]

"Yeah, and monkeys might decide to start flying out of my ass, too."

You know, on May 23, of 2005 that actually happened to a guy...

[Jack Ass Knife]

"Turns out that the nasty, dangerous forest between Ponyville and Canterlot was actually not the Everfree Forest, but rather, it was the nasty, dangerous bog from that Feeling Pinkie Keen episode. Derp!"

Uhhh: http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=&section=&global=1&q=map+of+equestria

No.

[Pecan Crisp]

Wait, is the current chapter listing correct? 1, 2, 3, then straight to 15?

[Jack Ass Knife]

Pony knees are their Hocks.

[Moonlit Sky]

It seemed to have an unstable atomic structure, meaning it could become liquid, solid, gaseous or even plasma given the right set of circumstances.

wat. I'm pretty sure atoms don't work that way. Even stable atoms can switch between solid/liquid/gas. Those transitions are caused by pressure, not instability.

[Jack Ass Knife]

Also, "Nice" originally meant something along the same lines as "irritable" and "annoying".

[Jack Ass Knife]

1363048 This story was written like... A year ago. Most of us already know what happens. This is just a re-write.

[djthomp]

I have to wonder if anyone else stood up and cheered when Firewall slugged Blueblood right in the face.

[Ghost-091]

...I wanted to bite of The Nightmare’s head...

[Underline added]

Oh Cards, HOW COULD YOU!? How could you ruin this wonderful piece of literature with a typo?! All is now lost!

[silvadel]

Ok, where does this corrospond to the old writing or does it really not? I am contemplating if I should read the old versions or just wait for the rewrites at this point.

[thorium220]

[Spoiler warning]
Generally speaking, I think that all of the edits you do in these chapters are great, but there's one change I disagree with: Firewall's human name coming out this early in the story. The fact that his human name was unknown in the original version was important - it signified that he was leaving his old life behind for his new life in Equestria, and it gave great power to the moment when David reveals Firewall's human name. To give you an idea of just how much power it had to me, my name is Stephen, and when David called Firewall (a character I can easily identify with) by his human name - my name - I recoiled from my laptop and spent several minutes wandering around my house in a sate of shock. Now, granted I'm a special case, but it served as an excellent way of demonstrating David's level of omniscience/control.

so there's my 2 bits' worth. I love your story, and like I said your edits and changes are almost always for the better, but I Just think that the unnecessary revealing of Firewall's human name in this chapter detracts from the later scene between Firewall and David.

[Stahri]

I don't know about any other mistakes, but you missed the bold line from the google docs version :

I blinked and turned around somewhat, feeling a lot of heat surge to my cheeks when I spotted Storm Wing, Starlight, and the Archon that had been guarding Luna’s room before, Silverheart. Storm’s expression was apprehensive whereas Starlight was giving me a small, genuine smile. Silverheart? Well, she looked like she was about to throw up. Psshh… Cynics.

“Oh shit, tell me you guys haven’t been there long,” I groaned, suddenly aware of my ruined reputation.

Starlight snickered in response as Storm Wing arched an eyebrow as if to ask if I was being serious.

[shirotora]

And just like that Luna crushed his dreams of ever being called Anonpony.

1363653 Dude, you don't know what you're missing.

[Shidotoku]

1364678 Sorry, but there are many-many moar fics and their sequels I want to read first. To be honest if the comments wouldn't be full of people worshipping this, then I wouldn't even have added this even to my Read Later list, because at first sight it just seems to be a HiE story that is damn long, and failed to grab my interest even with the description. But I'm sure if this many people like it, then it's like a... umm... coconut. Hard to break/begin, but once you've started it, you cannot stop. But for that I need to find my motivation first. :3

[nemryn]

1363814
Card posted 14 or so chapters on EQD before deciding that the story needed a rewrite; here on FiMfic, we're getting new chapters mixed in with the revisions of earlier chapters. Chapter 15 is not meant to be read after Chapter 3.

[Ranakastrasz]

1363811

Note that fanfiction can disregard inconvenient canon. This goes double if it was written originally before said canon existed.

[Jack Ass Knife]

1365286 Ah-ah-ah~! But you forget that this is a re-write.

[arandompenguin]

Again, sorry I couldn't proofread this but yeah.

[Magic Llama]

I'm amused that this fic has come both a very long way yet almost nowhere at all since August 2011. Still on Chapter Fiiiiiiivvvvvveeee!!!!!!

[Magic Llama]

1364718

Fun Fact time! A while back, there was a fanfic survey floating around on EQD that garnered a lot of attention. As Lafter pointed out in the description, this fic won the best comedy fic of all time. But here's another thing: TtEoAP was ranked in the top 5 Best Ponyfics Ever. First was Fallout Equestria, second was Project Horizons, third was Past Sins, THIS FIC was fourth, and Dangerous Business was fifth. You are debating whether or not to read the 4th most popular fic in pony history.

Need more proof? There are hundreds of pieces of fanart for this fic on DA's Firewall Fanclub ALONE. A small group is looking to one-up Double Rainboom by fully animating this entire fic in show quality. There is a crazed fan forum of noble followers who literally worship CardsLafter as a deity. There are multiple pieces of fan music, including songs by Bagpipe Brony and Poni1Kenobi. There is even a crackfic spinoff called Epic Lafter Rescue that we... shall not talk about, in order to preserve sanity. I'm surprised there aren't officially-merchandised Firewall t-shirts (LaffyTaffy, call me up. This needs to happen). Basically, what I'm trying to say here is, this fic is BIG. So big that it even has its own sub-fandom. Just take into account the SCALE of what you have just idly stumbled across.

[Shidotoku]

1365535 Uh.. okay... but... it's so big... and it's so late at night Okay, you guys won, I'll read the first chapter, I'm used to fainting in middle of the class anyway :3

[Ranakastrasz]

1365344

No I didn't. I said "Originally", meaning I knew it was a rewrite. And I also said "Especially".

More importantly, a while ago I decided that so long as everything in a story is consistant, regardless of whether its a fanfiction or not, (with the only exception being charactor personalities, which need to follow canon imo) I do not have any issue with alterations to Physics, storyline, history, or similar.

[Hunter X]

Heh, my first name is Matthew which happens to translate to 'gift from god' as well! We have a lot in common Agent Washington CardsLafter.

[DarthMaul22]

1364561
I think that's a common symptom of importing from GDocs (now Google Drive. wtf?). I think they should put that high on their list of bugfixes to the uploader (still a WIP, supposedly).

[Stahri]

1365947

I figured that since I've read similar comments on previous chapters. I just don't understand how it can leave out lines like this, though I also haven't looked at the converter at all in the first place so whatever.

[Shidotoku]

1365703 Okay, I read the first chapter, and this is just awesome. It must have been made in the deep bowels of awesome, forged in flames of awesome, from pure awesome then formed on an anvil of awesomeness into an awesome form. AWESOME.

[Bugsydor]

1365344
A rewrite in which the author is intentionally disregarding Season 2 canon. Seriously, do you have any idea how many jokes we've had to can because they relied on Season 2 material?

Anyhow, your concern has been noted and will be floated to the bosspony.

[Jack Ass Knife]

1365704 Meh. *pony shrug*

[Enmar]

FFFfffffffffff........ Beautiful

[Magic Llama]

1366260

My job here... is done. *shades*

[CardsLafter]

1363811

:3 That, sir, is season two content.

1367271

Fixed. Thank you. That was a slip. I meant molecular structure. o.o Atomic structure means it can change essentially what it is, or that it will explode violently at any given second!

[Leviathan Splash]

1363937 Meh, been a while since I read the original.