The beginning of the end
Vinyl Scratch Saves Equestria
It was an ordinary morning at Vinyl Scratch's mansion. That is, if you define morning as two o'clock in the afternoon, because badass bitches like Vinyl Scratch don't have to experience the excessive pain and monotony of mornings. After all, she'd spend all evening flaunting her quickscope skills on Xbox Live or competing in leet MLG competitions, wiping the floor with pathetic colts who dared oppose the gaming supremacy of the BUCKING AWESOME AND MLG VINYL SCRATCH, or as the players knew her, Xx_fl4nk_pulv3r1z3rXx.
Then for her night job, she DJ'd at only the best and most top-notch establishments and night clubs in Canterlot, often serving as Princess Luna's (peace be upon her) PERSONAL DJ, at parties with only the richest motherfuckers in Equestria. Occasionally Vinyl could look up from her disks, because she's a REAL Dj and not some poser try-hard foal with a Big-Macbook Air and an iTunes playlist, and see the most fine and vulnerable plots of the daughters of rich nobles with no immediate regrets, no sobriety, and no self-respect. It was perfect.
What's that? I didn't cover every part of the day? There's a time before the evening that you call "afternoon"? Yeah, Vinyl has a name for that which simultaneously allows me to explain her activities in less than a paragraph: FUCKING OCTAVIA TIME (interrupted with occasional bouts of eating, drinking mountain dew, and smoking weed). You might be asking though: "Why would someone as badass as Vinyl only settle for one mare?" Well you see, unsuspecting audience member, Octavia is like, TEN MARES ALL WRAPPED TOGETHER IN A SPICY BURRITO OF ORGASMIC PLEASURE. Sex with her would be like being pleasured by ten different chicks ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
FUCKING DETAILS. LET'S MOVE ONTO THE PLOT.
Vinyl woke up hungry exactly for that: Plot. Waking up underneath the covers atop her cloud-filled 10,000 bit mattress atop a gilded, platinum plated, sapphire composite mattress stand, she would have noticed that Octavia wasn't in the bed pleasuring her as she woke up because something else was pleasuring her: a smell. Not just any smell. Not a smelly smell that's smelly, but a great smell that smells more than great: it smelt orgasmic (the word that describes Vinyl's life). It was a smell better than flowers, better than the dankest kush.
"BACON!" she exclaimed as she bolted out of her bed with the speed of twenty-seven Harleys.
Quickly making her way down to the kitchen, Vinyl saw her girlfriend and her sweet, fat, round, bouncing plot at the stove, cooking the bacon. The uh... Octavia was cooking the bacon. Not her ass. THOUGH IT IS THAT HOT.
Octavia grabbed the handle with her mouth, for as amazing as she is, she is but a feeble earth pony without the godlike powers of Unicorns, and flicked the succulent, greasy, fat-covered, red and sizzling bacon in Vinyl's direction. Manifesting a plate out of Derpy knows where, Vinyl caught it and ate it WITHOUT A FORK, BECAUSE SHE'S AN ADULT. It was so good, that it would even make Celestia and Princess Luna (peace be upon her) orgasm IN THEIR STOMACHS.
"Holy shit on a dick sandwich, Octavia, that bacon was fucking amazing! I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF PONIES EAT BACON. But it didn't make me orgasm, because I'm that awesome. I might need... your help with that."
Suddenly, careless whisper played on the house speaker system. Octavia gave Vinyl a seductive smile, her eyes glazed with the glaze of anticipation of sheer pleasure. They were about to get this hot and sweaty show on the road, until the skies all of a sudden became dark: the moon was up.
"What the hell!?" Vinyl yelled, "It's not evening yet! I haven't fucked Octavia yet! Luna (peace be upon her) better bring this moon down, or I'm not DJ-ing for her mooniversary party. This shit is unacceptable."
Octavia opened her mouth to give input, but Vinyl merely put a hoof forth and said "Shush. I'm an adult. I know best." As Vinyl pulled out her iPhone 10, suddenly Celestia teleported in the room.
Vinyl happily put down her cellphone. She now wouldn't have to go through the Princesses' stupid fucking phone tree. Those hold tones could use a lot more dubstep. Regardless, this was important. Vinyl needed to get this issue solved and get her time with Octavia in. She had an MLG no-scoping competition tonight, and she wasn't about to let an off day cost give her an average first place as opposed to a LANDSLIDE victory.
Celestia spoke. "Vinyl, there's no time. Princess Luna (peace be upon her) has transformed again into Nightmare Moon."
"Oh shit"
"Discord is having a wild acid trip and is evil again."
"Oh shit."
"Queen Chrysalis has begun an all-out offensive on Equestria, and is pushing back our forces a kilometer a second."
"Oh shit!"
"Tirek has escaped because we had to get Cerberus neutered."
"Oh shit!!"
"And Sombra is unexploded and took back the Empire."
"Don't worry, I can climb stairs."
"Ok. But also, BlueBlood has issued an all-out ban on bacon."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"And they're all working together."
Vinyl took a moment to recollect her breath. No more bacon? No. This was not a future she could stand by and let happen. "Princess Celestia, how do I save Equestria?"
Celestia drew a breath, dramatically looking out towards the distance as she spoke. "Without bacon to fuel them, and because they foolishly gave up the elements to a tree, the Mane 6 were easily incapacitated by Tirek. So, you are becoming an Alicorn Princess, and with your quickscoping skills, you can easily defeat this evil alliance and save the world."
Searching for what Celestia was looking at, it was fucking dark outside, what was there to look at? Vinyl simply said "Okay."
There was a huge flash of light, and Vinyl was lifted into the air. Magical aura swirled around her, and in another flash of bright white light followed by an earth-shaking bassdrop, Vinyl was now an Alicorn.
"O shit, I have wings now."
Suddenly, Octavia poked Vinyl's side.
"Vinyl, I'm... PREGNANT."
Vinyl was astonished, to say the least.. "HOW THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE!?"
Celestia continued to stare dramatically into the distance. "There's no time. Let's fly to the castle."
"Ok"
And with that, they flew to the castle.
Landing in the room with all the stained-glass windows and shit, Celestia pulled out a weapons locker, revealing a gold-plated barrett .50 cal sniper rifle. Celestia looked dramatically out into the distance once more, her countenance alone enough to make a Shakespearean acting judge shit themselves in awe.
"This sniper rifle can only be wielded by the greatest quickscoper in Equestria. Hardscopers will burst into flames upon touching this rifle. Use it to fight the evil alliance..." she turned to Vinyl, ten times the drama held in her stare, "and SAVE EQUESTRIA."
Vinyl chuckled, this would be easy. Looking out an open window, she no-scoped the moon. The rifle let out a loud BASS DROP, and the moon FUCKING EXPLODED.
"Done." announced Vinyl, proudly loading another clip into the weapon. She turned to see Celestia give her a perplexed look.
"Nightmare Moon isn't on the moon. That's where she was banished a long time ago."
"Oh. Where is she?"
Another voice entered the room. "RIGHT BEHIND YOU."
Suddenly, Vinyl turned to see Nightmare Moon charging her horn. Quickly avoiding a lazer beam of death, Vinyl let off a quick-scope, letting out another dank-ass BASS DROP. There was a flash of light, and suddenly Nightmare Moon was once again Princess Luna (peace be upon her): The best pony in all Equestria aside from Alicron Princess Xx_fl4nk_pulv3r1z3rXx "Vinyl Scratch" I.
They were about to celebrate, until Celestia dramatically turned towards the distance and said "There's no time. Tirek and Discored are still out there."
"Ok"
So with that, Vinyl flew out of the room, smashing through all the stained-glass windows and having them within seconds rearranged to murals of her idols: Snoop Dogg and Nicolas Cage.
Flying through the air of the once-more sunny skies of Equestria, Vinyl knew she needed to charge her quick-scoping powers to face Tirek. "I need some dank..." she muttered to herself as she rolled a joint. While flying. At 420 miles per hour. Conveniently, Discord, Chrysalis, Sombra, and all the Changelings were in one line fighting Equestria's forces. They were HARDSCOPING Equestria's royal guard.
"Weak ass shit..." Vinyl murmured as she took her position beside the battle. This had to be a well timed quick-scope. Taking another puff from her joint, she felt it. She couldn't explain it, but perhaps the kush indeed had aided her timing. Letting of a quickscope and another dank-ass bass-drop, the shot piereced through Sombra. And Discord. And Chrsyalis. And all the Changelings. They were dead. The entire royal guard then got high to celebrate, all taking hits from Shining Armor's amazing bong.
Vinyl was about to finish her joint, until suddenly a magical blast knocked her on the ground. It was Tirek and Blueblood. And Tirek was at full power once more.
"You fool..." Blueblood began.
Vinyl staggered to get up. "I... I don't understand. How could Tirek be that strong? He hasn't sapped any magic..."
The evil duo let out a burst of laughter. Tirek began talking in his super badass voice. "What do you think happened to all the bacon in Equestria? Oh, and this is just the result of the power of bacon. Once I smoke ALL of your dank, no force in the universe shall stop me."
Vinyl finished her dank. While Tirek was laughing in his own glory, Vinyl no-scoped him. He exploded.
Blueblood fell to his knees like a little bitch. "Please, don't quickscope me! I only did it for attention!"
"You want attention?" Asked Vinyl. Blueblood looked up at her. "Here you go." The best Alicorn in Equestria handed Blueblood her rifle. "Shoot me, and take the glory. Be the hero, or villain, you always wanted to be." She smiled.
Blueblood's a stupid shit, so he picked up the rifle, and put the scope to his eye. A hard-scope. Typical for a pleb like him. With that, he combusted into a mass of blue flames. He was then dead.
"Looks like Blueblood's been boiled." Vinyl remarked as she walked off into the sunset. Evening was approaching. Looks like she's have to fuck Octavia DURING the MLG competition. AGAIN.
The End
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mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw3181-pinkie_pie_i_came.jpg
10/10 "It's okay..." -IGN
oh
And that, right there, is EXACTLY why Octavia is best background character.
"Well? What do you think?"
Octavia backed away from... well, she supposed it was technically a manuscript. The sort that would be bound in pony skin and used to summon eldritch horrors from beyond the stars. "That..."
She trailed off. Vinyl's wide, impossibly innocent eyes stared into hers. "That... certainly exceeded my expectations."
"Aw yeah!" Vinyl stuck a hoof into the air.
Well... That was quite honestly one the strangest thing I have ever read. But I did enjoy it. So good job.
My life has been changed.
4794953
For the better?
~Skeeter The Lurker
4794953
TheBigStallowski changed my life. I don't mean that in an erotic way. Well, maybe I do. Regardless, the point is that every person who is touched by TheBigStallowski steps away from the experience...different. A new man. Possibly a new woman. TheBigStallowski is gender-neutral in his life-changing. TheBigStallowski's fanfiction is something that transcends gender, age, race, and a wide variety of other minor details. The man produces literary masterpieces for the whole world to appreciate. How he does this is a question that only he can answer, but TheBigStallowski is secretive, and it's hard to blame him - I know that I would not spend a moment away from his side if the opportunity presented itself to me. It's difficult to prepare one for the writing of TheBigStallowski in any fashion other than this, in fact; to do otherwise would be like explaining a rainbow to a blind man. Experience it. Savor it. Let the fanfiction of TheBigStallowski become one with you.You will come away a better person for it.
(Apologies to C. “Schildkrote” G.)
4795400
Skeeter warned me about this comment.
It was everything I could have dreamed.
4796903
4795400
4795398
I approve of this so much.
This was every kind of awesome. My only regret was not reading it somewhere with an audience, who could enjoy it with me.
Now Spike needs to become an Alicorn.
No. Regrets.
Well, maybe one or two, but NO REGRETS.
marcusbronzy.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/11/2014/06/emrknjp.gif
Because word's can't describe.
I SAW "TROLL" NOW YOU DIE!!!
Seriously not cool killing discord.
4819489 Fuck Discord.
Actually, fuck all Draconequuses ever. Even outside of MLP.
Because they suck.
5432108 just what is wrong with Discord?
5432152 He's Discord.
I fucking hate Discord.
He's stupid, ugly, never lived up to his "spirit of chaos" title, and annoys me more than anyone who claims Dane Cook stole his jokes from other comedians.
Also, he's not a pony. Or a Changeling. I guess that counts.
5432167 ok that is your opinion and i'm now ignoring you
5432175 Since I'm a Grammar Nazi, I'm just going to have a seizure since I looked at your sentence.
Yes, it is my opinion, and even if it's a douchebag thing to do, I can express my hate of Discord if I please. It doesn't deter anyone. It's not like he's a story some author put a year of work into.
Oh, by the way,
*Change "ok" to "Okay,"
*"now i'm" should be "I'm now"
*put a period after you.
GRAMMAR NAZIS
Because my grammar is *gooder.
5432196 You're one to talk Mr. i just said Gooder.
5432200 Did you not notice the asterisk?
You know, the G. Nazi's universal sign for correcting words?
Not to mention that insult belongs in my "Badass Dane-Cookery" bookshelf because it's laughable.
P.S.
*talk,
*Mr. I-Just-Said-Gooder
5432207 I'm going to ignore you now Discord Hating Grammar Nazi. i believe we should correct grammar but not be so dramatic over it that we act kinda like nazis
5432213 *now,
*Discord-hating
*I
*Nazis.
(At this point, I'm just trolling you because your reaction is fucking funny.)
5432223 i hate trolls more then anything so you get the privalge of being the first person i ever blocked.
5432227 Oh Celestia, get me some Aunt Jemima; these ROFL waffles are simply delicious.
*I
*than
*anything,
*privilege
*I've
5432227 Schooled!
Why would Vinyl idolize Snoop Dogg and Nicolas Cage? She's much better than them.
5685956 Did you just say “NIGGA”?!?!?
Heh, just kidding as long as you don't use it out of context I'm fine.
5683361
I have matured much in the past 8 years, and I can defintively say that this statement of yours is objectivelyt wrong.