Bachelorette Bon-ding

by Distaff Pope

The Party

Lord Valiant’s estate was everything I’d wanted when I’d lived in Canterlot. Standing at the base of the Canterhorn, it easily dwarfed any building in Ponyville. and it was just as decadent as his airship. After my brief tour of the estate, I seriously wondered if there were any parisian rugs or crystal fountains left in Equestria. Certainly, there had to be, but…

“Oh, it is a delight to have you hear Miss Octavia,” Lord Valiant said as we talked backstage, his eyes darting from me to the stage to the basement entrance. I made a note to check there as soon as I could slip away from the show. In his age, his whole body seemed to have greyed. His black hair had faded and his white coat lost its lustre. The only thing that wasn’t grey was his cutie mark, an image of the family crest. I briefly pondered how terrible it would be if the only thing that made me special was my family name. Considering my parents, I couldn’t think of many worse fates.

“Thank you, my lord,” I said, bowing before the noble. The nobility were absolutely wonderful, bow low, boost their ego, and they’d practically give you the keys to the manor. Although they weren’t noble, I’d seen my parents fall for it far too many times. Not that I’d ever exploited that particular weakness of course, doing so would be most uncouth. “It’s an honor to play for you tonight.”

He leered, his stare suddenly making me feel naked, which I suppose is understandable, considering the only thing I was wearing was a bowtie. Still, his gaze definitely wasn’t appreciated. “Oh, no, the honor is mine, to have Princess Luna’s pet musician play for me in her first ever private showing… This is something of a dream for me, especially since… It’s strange our scheduled entertainment had to cancel on such short notice, do you have any idea why?”

They’d been detained by the Royal Guard for reasons fabricated entirely Equestrian Intelligence Service. “Not at all,” I said, smiling apologetically. “Unfortunately, a large number of musicians are…” I laughed. “Unreliable at the best of times. They think pursuing the fickle muse of passion more important than honoring their obligations. It’s not a stance I particularly agree with.”

He laughed and patted me on the back, getting far too close to me for my liking. “Well, at least there’s one mare who understands she should honor her commitments to those with power. Who knows, with an attitude like yours, maybe some noble might smile kindly on you and raise you above your station.” Wonderful. Bon-Bon most certainly wasn’t exaggerating when she mentioned his weakness for mares.

“You are too kind,” I said, looking from him to the stage. “So… I should just practice there until the party starts, then?” Despite my distaste for the stallion, the stage was absolutely wonderful solid marble piece. If I’d met Lord Valiant a year ago, I might have been interested in his offer. What? My younger self wasn’t exactly concerned with true love as much as she was with fame, prestige, and other fine things. I… I wasn’t the best mare in the world before I came to Ponyville (although I was and still am the absolute best cellist).

“Oh, yes, of course,” he said, jumping in the air at the sound of my voice before extending a hoof to shake. “A pleasure to meet you, Miss Octavia.” As I shook his hoof, something sticky latched on to my hoof. Before I could say anything, he leaned in right next to my ear and whispered. “Read in private. Eyes are on us.”

Well, wonderful. Here I was thinking this was going to be a simple mission. Wait, what am I talk about? This whole situation was patently insane. Why would I be surprised that things somehow managed to get crazier, especially after Bon-Bon tempted fate. “Oh, and Octavia,” he said as he trotted away. This time he made sure to speak loud and clear. “Be sure not to leave the stage until after 9:00. Otherwise, ponies watching your performance might think something’s wrong.” Of course, he didn’t want me to look at the note until 9:00, presumably because whatever was watching me would be distracted by the party then.

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” I said, laughing and working to unstrap my cello case, careful not to show off the thing in my hooves to anypony watching. As I unpacked my cello, I slipped the note – a quick glance revealed it was a note – into my case, taking care to hide it behind my sheet music. in case somepony got suspicious and decided to check my case. Hiding the case back stage, I trotted to stage center and started practicing. The best of Canterlot would be listening tonight, and I didn’t want to disappoint.

***

The clock chimed 9:00 and the party was in full swing. Out in the crowd, the finest of Equestria’s nobility hobnobbed, with maybe one in twenty actually paying attention to the music. Because why should they care that Equestria’s premier cellist was playing for them? It’s not like I wanted their rightful praise and adulation, I had a perfectly wonderful life in Ponyville, their approval meant nothing to me.

I kept telling myself that as the crowd ignored me. At least I could take a break now, nurse my ego, and deal with… Oh yes, the spy stuff, or the main reason I was here performing for these ungrateful culture snobs. Yes, I might tend towards being an aloof egoist, but I at least had the decency to appreciate the finer things when they were played right in front of me. These ponies wouldn’t know the difference between baroque and romantic music.

I stared at the crowd as bile rose in my throat. Instead of even trying to act dignified, large groups of ponies had started “making out” and the party looked like it was about to turn into an orgy as ponies groaned and mashed against each other. The few nobles who weren’t completely humiliating themselves were drinking wine like it was water. These ponies were supposed to be sophisticated, the pinnacle of style and grace, instead, they were behaving like they were at one of Vinyl’s raves.

Not important right now, I reminded myself as I trotted back to my case. I could complain about the nobility’s stunning dearth of musical knowledge and apparent alcoholism later, right now, I needed to read the note. Making sure I was hidden behind the curtain, I slipped the note out of my cello case and unfolded it, before reading:

Octavia,

Can only assume you’re here with EIS to stop the Queen from rising. Absolutely vital you sneak into my wine cellar and destroy the cask of amontillado sherry before the party starts. Her agents plan on using it to dose the nobility with changeling venom. I’ll try to create a diversion to take attention off you, but hurry. After cask is destroyed, head down to vault. It’s the third door on your right in the basement and the security code is 8927365. It has all the information stole from the archives and as much information as I could gather about the Queen’s plans. After you get that, get out.

I stared at the note, written in flowing elegant script and recalled the nobility’s boorish behavior. Of course, they didn’t normally act like this, they were just under the amontillado’s spell. At least, I hoped that was the case. If not, I had to rethink a lot of my life choices.

My brain burned as it struggled to come up with some way to fix this situation. Unfortunately, the only solution I came up with was a terrible mix of suicidal and insane. In other words, it was perfect for me. I took a deep breath, secured my cello in its case, strapped said case to my back, and sprinted off to the basement as quickly as I could.

The basement was completely empty. I checked for any sign that somepony was watching me. Either I failed at all things related to spycraft (probably true) or I was monumentally lucky (hopefully true). I tip-hoofed from the basement landing towards where the signs told me the wine cellar was. As I entered the room, my instincts screamed this was too easy, the sound of wood cracking against the back of my head told me those instincts were right, the feel of cobblestone against my cheek told me I was about to be reacquainted with my good friend unconsciousness again, and then I didn’t hear much of anything.

***

Ropes dug into my flesh as my mind bubbled up to the outside world. “She’s coming to,” a voice made of gravel said. “Do you have the drink ready?” Drink… Drink… that probably meant… My whole body suddenly tensed up.

“Of course,” a voice belonging to Lord Valiant said. “You know I would never betray the Court of the True Queen.” I groaned as the knot on the back of my head pulsed in anger. I really needed… Well, an actual bachelorette party would certainly be wonderful, but there were probably more pressing issues for me to deal with, like the fact I was currently tied up and about to be forced to drink changeling venom. “Could you let me… I’d prefer it if I gave her the amontillado. Your methods are too coarse.”

The gravel voice laughed. “As you wish, ‘my lord,’ how dare a peasant like me ever dare to do anything to your lady.” I opened my eyes to see a stallion with brown coat, black mane, and a cutie mark that consisted of a black hat and trench coat.

“Turn Coat, I suppose,” I said, recalling his picture from one of the files Bon-Bon gave me. “Any chance you’ll believe I’m just a cellist who wandered down here in search for a stiff drink?”

“Oh, I like this one,” Turn Coat said, laughing. “I’ve got half a mind to take her for myself, but I figure you deserve a little treat for all your hard work, Val. Why, I’m not even gonna rough her up before we start interrogatin’ her. Consider that my gift to you and your little lady.”

Lord Valiant sighed and looked at me. “And as always, it’s appreciated Turn Coat. You conduct yourself with far more grace than a common criminal should.”

“Ey, I can change my mind anytime I like, so don’t go thinkin’ that you’re the big dog in this relationship,” Turn Coat said, glaring at Lord Valiant.

“Oh, I’d never dream of it,” Lord Valiant said, matching Turn Coat’s coarseness with the mix of civility and contempt only the nobility could really pull off. “I know the Queen’s the one with all the power. The rest of us are just… tools in her scheme.”

The gears in my head clicked into alignment. Changeling venom? Queens? An attack on Canterlot? It couldn’t have been more obvious that changeling queen from a few years ago was behind this unless her plans were written on a flashing neon sign, which, admittedly, would’ve made this job a lot simpler. Of course, I wasn’t such an idiot that I’d let my captors know what I knew.”Queen?” I asked, doing my best to look confused. “But… Celestia doesn’t call herself a queen.”

“Heh, there’s other queens, dearie,” Turn Coat said. “And they ain’t anywhere nice as your little pony princess.”

“The both of us are servants of Queen Katydid, and she has her eyes set on bending Canterlot to her will,” Lord Valiant said, apparently trying to monologue all of Queen Katy’s plan. “Unlike her sister, she’s content to play the long game and takeover Canterlot from the inside by subverting a number of–”

“Hey, don’t go tellin this mare our plans, she doesn’t need to know them, and I don’t feel like giving her information that can be used against us if things go pear shaped,” Turn Coat said, interrupting Lord Valiant. Damn, at least one of them knew the dangers of monologuing. I turned my head to look more closely at Lord Valiant. Was he monologuing because that’s what villains do or because he wanted to help me? If I’d followed the instructions in the note, would everything be fine now, or would he just have sprung the trap earlier?

“Oh, of course,” Lord Valiant said, not bothering to look at Turn Coat. “How foolish of me, whatever may I do to atone?”

Turn Coat grunted. “Just give her the drink, see what she knows, then let’s get ready to flip her. The faster, the better.”

Lord Valiant sighed and lit his horn up, floating a wineglass and bottle up. “The… I’m sure you noticed this,” he said as he poured, “but the changeling venom has the ability to induce… extreme affection and produces a sort of slavish obedience. Apparently those afflicted, are quite happy with their new lots in life…”

“I’m sorry,” I said, looking him in the eyes. There was… Regret in them, a pain that grew the closer the glass got to my lips. “I’ve never really been much of a wine drinker, so I’m afraid I’ll have to abstain.”

Turn Coat snorted. “Oh, she’s a riot, she’s got them airs you noble lots love so much. Hey, when Queen Katy’s got Canterlot in her hooves, this girly’s gonna make a great consort for ya, so quit the stalling and get her to drinking.” I tilted my head up and shifted my weight back as far as I could against the chair, desperately trying to buy myself a few more seconds. Apparently, doing so managed to earn Turn Coat’s ire. He gave another grunt and trotted behind me. He pulled my mane and wrenched my head back. If I hadn’t been an expert in enduring pain, I might’ve given the brute the satisfaction of a scream.

Before I could say anything, he had his other hoof against my jaw and wrenched it open. “Pour,” he said, and a second later, the sherry filled my throat. I tried not to swallow it, but the brute pinched my nose shut. I struggled and gagged, desperately trying to spit as much of the sherry out as I could before I ran out of air. With every second, the sherry worked its way deeper down my throat. I could feel a faint trickle of it running down into my stomach. I tried to escape Turn Coat’s grip for even a second, but he knew how to hold a mare against her will.

I shut my eyes, calling Vinyl’s image up in my mind’s eye and whispering an apology to her as I swallowed the tainted wine. They repeated the process a few more times and did everything in my power to make it as unpleasant for them as possible. If they were going to do… this to me, I’d be sure to extract as much vengeance as possible in my final act.

“Alright,” Lord Valiant finally said. “That’s enough.” Turn Coat released his grip and I gave the minor lord my best death glare. “How do you feel, Octavia?”

I felt like I was looking at two ponies whose faces needed to get acquainted with my hoof as quickly as possible. “Ugh, it ain’t workin’ we need to get ‘er more of her drink. Don’t that sound good, dearie?” Turn Coat asked trotting into my view.

A laugh burst out of my throat. I felt fine. I felt absolutely completely fine. Well, no, I was tied up, my head hurt, and there was a very real chance that a mind altering potion was about to take over my brain, but I still felt like me. I wasn’t about to let these two know that, though. “Great,” I said, trying to look as relaxed as possible. “It’s like…” I tried to channel Vinyl’s less than formal manner of speaking and softened my gaze from one of anger to longing. “I mean, I never felt this great before.” What did they say the potion did? Induced pleasure, lust, and suggestibility? I could pretend to be that. Then, once I was free, I could see about giving righteous punching retribution to all the ponies who needed it.

“You see,” Lord Valiant said, “she’s been successfully pacified, there’s no need to pour more of that stuff down her throat.”

“We’ll see,” Turn Coat said, his narrowed eyes studying my every movement. “Bark like a dog.”

I tilted my head at that, doing my best to mask my disgust. “Big dog? Woof woof. Small dog? Arp arp.”

Turn Coat laughed. “Looks like we got ourselves one consummate professional ‘ere, so let’s see what your lady’s up for. Don’t that sound fun, Val?”

***

There were a series of… degrading requests after that, ones I’d prefer not go spend too much time dwelling on. My only saving grace was that Lord Valiant kept the more… licentious requests at bay, claiming he’d rather save those for when we were alone. What was his angle? Did he just want me for himself, was he trying to save some modicrum of my dignity, or was he trying to help the crown in some way? Either way, I decided I’d only punch him once and save most of my wrath for Turn Coat. Over the past hour, he’d done quite a bit to earn my absolute eternal enmity, and no amount of oh-so-satisfying punches to the face would alter that balance.

“Alright,” Lord Valiant said. “She’s done enough, I think. Let’s bring her in with the other prisoner.” Other prisoner? Did they mean… My stomach fell through the floor and kept going until it punched a hole through the opposite side of Equestria. Where it went after that, I have no idea.

“Oh, looks like she’s got an inklin’ of who she’s ‘bout to meet. I wish I could be there to see what happens when those two lovelies meet. Two mares and a bottle of changeling venom? What’s that sayin’? In vino veritas?” That was… I froze, a question forming in my head that burned with the same intensity as Celestia’s sun.

Why wasn’t the wine reacting with my medications?

The last time I had anything alcoholic, I spent the next two days in a state of blackout drunken debauchery. Now, I felt… well, a little tipsy, but I wasn’t running around presenting myself to everypony in sight. A theory on just why I wasn’t feeling the effects of the venom formed, and it revolved around the baggie of pill bottles secured inside my cello case.

“My cello,” I said, turning to Lord Valiant and giving him my best look of infantile pleading. “Can I…” I stopped to kiss a trail from his neck to his lips with feigned zeal. Compared to Turn Coat’s requests, this was only a little bit absolutely humiliating. “Can I pleeeaaaseee have it?”

Lord Valiant looked from me to Turn Coat, who just laughed at us. “If the dearie wants her toy to play with, I don’t see a problem. Not like she’s got enough brains in her head to do anything but rub herself against it.” He laughed again. “Now, that’s a show I’d like to see, maybe you should tell me about it when you get back, Val.” Have I mentioned my complete and utter contempt for Turn Coat? It was as if somepony tried to combine all the traits I despised and mixed them into one pony. An impressive feat, to be sure, but not one I felt like applauding.

Turn Coat shooed us. “Get on out of here, some of us have work that needs doing, so unless you want to look after the rest of your noble buddies while I get the pleasure of entertainin’ the lady, you should probably get going.”

“Of course,” Lord Valiant said, floating my cello case from its spot in the corner over and strapping it to my back. “Well…” He turned to me, apologies in his eyes. “Shall we?”

I nodded, doing my best to act like a giddy schoolmare in one of those tawdry romances I most certainly didn’t have an entire shelf in my bedroom dedicated to. (If Vinyl ever tells somepony about those, tonight’s humiliation is going to seem like a comparative trot through the park.)

“This… I never intended for any of this to happen,” Lord Valiant whispered as he shut the door to the wine cellar. “You have to understand, when they first… approached me, I thought I could play a hero, unravel the entire conspiracy and win back Celestia’s favor, after the Valiant incident, but… They kept coming with more and more demands, forced me to keep working for them by taking my son to one of their nests. I hoped you would…” He sighed. It doesn’t matter now. The only way I get out of this with my son alive is by following orders. If there’s any bit of the original you left, I promise I’ll make sure the rest of your days are spent in contentment and as far away from that riff-raff as possible.

“I….” I stammered, continuing to play my part and waiting for the moment I could be alone in my cell with him. I tried not to cringe as I said the next few words. “You know I’ll do whatever you want.”

He sighed. “Unfortunately, I do. Hopefully, in time, I can help you regain that classic dignity you composed yourself with when I first saw you. This thing you are now is such a poor imitation.” Oh yay, so while he was still okay with brainwashing me to be his… thing, he wanted me to be his thing with dignity. Well, that made it all better, then. Why didn’t I just give him my total undying devotion on the spot?

On the other hoof, he wasn’t the villain Turn Coat was. No, Valiant was just a complete idiot who apparently thought working with changelings was the way to win back Celestia’s approval. Assuming, he was telling the truth, of course.

I followed Lord Valiant up to a bedroom at the top of the mansion. He opened the door, and I saw Bon-Bon doing… something I won’t detail further. What a pony does while under the effects of – or pretending to be under the effects of, in my case – is not something that should be discussed in any company. It’s something in need of forgetting.

“Hey! It’s Tavi,” she said, rolling off the bed and trotting towards me. “Isn’t this just great? I feel…” She panted. “I can’t even begin to describe it.”

“Then don’t.” In one move, I bucked the door shut with my back hoof and whipped around, grabbing Lord Valiant as I spun around and pinning him against the wall. “Bon-Bon, undo the cello case, gently lower it to the ground, and get out my pill bag.” I turned to look back at Lord Valiant. “Say something or light your horn up, and I’ll see if I can still punch hard enough to break a brass bull’s skull. Oh, and I’m so sorry, I never meant for any of this to happen,” I said, mocking his earlier words.

“Ooh, Tavi, you know what’d be fun?” Bon-Bon asked, kissing my back as she unstrapped the cello case and bringing her hoof up to caress my… I felt a bolt of fire streak up my spine and make a home in my head, turning my world red. He… he turned Bon-Bon into that, and then tried to act like he was a victim.

“Don’t touch me,” I ordered Bon-Bon. “Just get the pills out, and take one from each bottle.” I looked at Turn Coat as Bon-Bon followed our her instructions to the letter. “I’m working under the assumption that one of my pills counters the effect of changeling venom. If I were you, I’d pray it works. Otherwise, I’m going to tie you up, drag you to her fiancée, tell her everything you and your friend did, and then leave you alone in a room with her. Do we understand each other?” He nodded.

“Good, now tell me everything you can about this plan you and Turn Coat have. I’m warning you, if you lie or try to cross me, Celestia’s disapproval is going to turn into a comparatively negligible problem.” For emphasis, I tightened my grip on his neck. Nopony did this to my friends, even if the friend was currently responsible for me being in the mess of madness I found myself in.

“Tavi! Can we please do something fun?” Bon-Bon said as she took the last of my pills. “I’m just… so happy to see you, and I want to do anything I can to make you happy.”

“Alright,” I said, struggling to keep my anger at the situation from lashing out at Bon-Bon. “Go lay down on the bed and think about Lyra. Think about your love for her as if your life depended on it, and don’t get out of bed.” It was a gamble, but hopefully the medicine would do its work soon, and she’d have enough willpower to get out of bed on her own volition. Either that or she’d lay in bed until I had this whole unfortunate situation resolved.

“Now,” I said, looking back at Lord Valiant. “Start talking.”

“Like I said,” he whimpered, “I never wanted… I didn’t think anypony would get hurt. I thought I could spy on the changelings, give the information to Princess Celestia, and be hailed as a–”

I tightened my grip on his throat. “I don’t care what particularly idiotic reasons convinced you pretending to be a spy was a good idea, I need to know what their plans are.”

“Right,” he said, quickly regaining his composure. “They… They’re going to subvert and capture the nobility and replace them with doubles. They… also planned on subverting the agents EIS sent to track the missing files. You were both supposed to be captured, drugged, and used to get us more information about strategic operations in Equestria.”

My jaw clenched. “I see… and why haven’t they replaced you with a double or brainwashed you yet? I’m not a hideous bug monster with eyes on taking over Equestria, but replacing you with a changeling seems like an easy move. No need to worry about, well… situations like this one, I suppose.”

“Yes, yes, but they need me.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “What I mean is… I’m a member of the Equestrian Defence Council, and to get in, you have to pass a changeling detection spell. Well, now you do, a few years ago, you didn’t, but…”

“And they haven’t brainwashed you because…” I asked, tilting my head at him and loosening my grip on his neck ever so slightly.

He looked towards Bon-Bon. “Well, you’ve seen what the affected are like. I’d like to imagine those closest to me would notice something was off.” (And Lyra and Vinyl wouldn’t?) “Besides, they have my son, I’m not going to act directly against them with his life on the line.”

“I see,” I said, letting go of him. “Against my better judgment, I’m going to trust you on this. If you prove to be lying or try to betray me in anyway–”

“Tavi…” Bon-Bon said, regaining her mind. “What’s… Oh Celestia, did I try to–”

“I’m not about to judge you for anything done under the effects of changeling venom. How are you feeling?” I said, turning to look from Lord Valiant to Bon-Bon.

“Sick… For a bunch of reasons, actually.” She sighed as she rolled out of bed. “Thanks for saving me, by the way. Pretty glad I brought you along on this mission.”

“While I’m certainly glad I was here to save you, I can’t say I’m enjoying this particular bachelorette party. Now, can you remember what happened while you were under the venom’s influence or…?”

“No,” she said, frowning. “I can remember everything that happened. although…” She shook her head. “I can focus on that later, right now, we have some work to do. How many of those pills do you have?”

I did some arithmetic in my head comparing the number of pills I had to the guests I saw at the party. “I should have enough to give one dose to each guest. At the very least, we can get a large enough majority that we can subdue the rest and wait for the venom’s effects to wear off.” I looked back at Lord Valiant. “It does wear off, right?”

“Eventually, yes, however as your friend Bon-Bon can probably attest, the feelings it leaves behind aren’t pleasant. I understand that if dosed enough, the effects of the poison can be made permanent.” He said, rubbing his neck.

I nodded at him and headed to put my pill bottles back in my cello case and stopped as I saw the tiny piece of paper sticking out from behind my sheet music. “Your note, is there really all that information stored in the vault and more importantly, does the code you gave me actually work?”

“It is, and it does, respectively. I even made sure the door was unguarded for you. Actually…” He paused. “ Most of the guards are probably seeing to the prisoners right now, so you could sneak down there and retrieve them now. That would still leave the problem of rescuing our prisoners, though.”

“We could…” I sighed, bracing myself for what I was about to say next. “Split up. One of us gets the documents and creates a diversion, the other rescues the prisoners.”

Lord Valiant shook his head. “A lovely notion, but Turn Coat’s not stupid. He’s… he knows capturing the nobility is his main goal, so he’s not going to leave them unattended. At best, he’ll send half his guards away. That’ll still leave Turn Coat and four other guards to deal with.”

“Okay,” Bon-Bon said, rubbing her forehead. “Octavia, you’re probably going to hate me for what I’m about to say next, but I think you should be in charge of rescuing the prisoners. I was never really trained for combat missions, and when you absolutely need to, you can pack a mean punch.”

I sighed. She had a point, I’d dealt far more punches to the face than I’d received, and… it was a distressingly common solution to my problems. Wasn’t I supposed to be the calm sophisticated pony in our group? On the other hoof, this plan meant I had a chance to punch Turn Coat in the face. “I’ll do it,” I said. “But first, we need a plan beyond just ‘create a distraction.’”

“Well,” Lord Valiant said, frowning. “I have an idea, but you’ll need to make it look like I was ambushed.

“Done,” I said. Before he could react, my hoof had cut through the air, and I revelled in the oh-so-satisfying smack of hoof against face. Yes, he was on our side, and yes I probably shouldn’t enjoy the feeling of punching another pony, but on the other hoof, he helped brainwash Bon-Bon and seemed perfectly fine with turning me into his toy/consort.

Lord Valiant spat a bloody tooth out. “You didn’t have to be so enthusiastic about it.”

“I pulled my punch,” I said, glancing at a mirror to make sure my bowtie was on straight. Amazingly enough, it was. “Besides, I thought it would be better if you didn’t tense up in anticipation.” And also, I really did want to punch him. Not as badly as I wanted to punch Turn Coat, but the itch was certainly there. (Note: Once we’re back in Ponyville, talk with my therapist about my affinity for violence. While currently useful, it’s probably not particularly healthy.)

“Wait,” Lord Valiant said, bringing his hoof up to massage the cheek that absorbed the brunt of my punch. “That was you pulling a punch? Celestia help anypony who earns your full hatred.”

“Yeah,” Bon-Bon said. “Her punches have broken brass bulls before. I don’t know how she got so strong.”

“If I had to guess, I’d say it’s related to spending the last ten years lugging around a cello that weighs about as much as I do,” I said, pulling the note out from my cello case and passing it to Bon-Bon. “Now, punching Lord Valiant in the face gave me an idea, and while Bon-Bon’s retrieving our notes, we’re going to have Lord Valiant inform the guards that she escaped. Let’s say she used her EIS training to overcome the changeling venom’s effects. While you do that… Are there any good hiding places near where the prisoners are being kept?”

***

My ear pressed against the door as I listened to ponies sprinting down the hallway and waited for the noise to die down. After about a minute of silence, I made sure my cello case was strapped on tightly and opened the door and stumbled out of the bathroom, doing my best to act like some lovesick puppy who had no idea where she was. I turned a corner and found myself looking at the door to the ballroom I played at several hours ago. The second I came into view of the door, two changelings covered from horn to hoof in black chitin, their blue compound eyes impossible to get a read on.

I screwed the biggest smile I could on my face and thought of Vinyl. Thought of the way her forelegs felt when they were wrapped around me, the soft touch of her lips, the evenings we spent cuddling in bed or listening to each other play music, the times I was sick and she was there to nurse me back to physical and mental health. I slathered myself in my love for her as I trotted towards the changelings.

“Excuse me,” I said before letting out an empty headed giggle. “The… Uhmm… Those four ponies told me I should head over. Is… is this where the party is? They said there was a party here, and that sounds… I’d love to be surrounded by other ponies right now.”

“Sure thing,” the guard on the left said, sniffing at the air. “But don’t you want to have a bit of fun with me first?”

I nodded and somehow managed to make my giant vacant smile even larger. “I do…” I giggled again while silently apologizing to myself for acting like such a… Well, I’d prefer not to use the word I had in mind. “It’s funny, I didn’t even know I wanted it, but now… it’s kind of all I can think of.” I trotted towards him as quickly as possible and wrapped my forelegs around his neck. “Is this what you wanted?”

Her body went slack as I felt a horrible empty sucking thing touch my love for Vinyl. A flash of red filled my vision, and I tightened my grip on the distracted changeling and lifted him in the air, quickly spinning it into its sister. I struck the changeling with her sister a few more times, the sound of their chitinous bodies cracking sounding better than any Mocart symphony. I left the two of them stacked in a pile as I opened the door to the ballroom and was immediately assaulted by the smell of… uncouthness. In my absence, the nobility had moved from simply kissing each other to throwing an impromptu orgy. Any remaining illusions I had about the nobility were completely shattered.

Scanning the room, I found the two remaining guards very clearly distracted by the festivities and paying the door absolutely zero attention. Unfortunately, I couldn’t see any trace of Turn Coat, meaning I’d have to wait before I could settle up with him. Well, at least I’d get to save the nobility and have something to hold over their heads until the end of time, so that was something.

“Alright, everypony,” I yelled with as much authority as I could muster. “I command you to beat the two changelings into unconsciousness and ignore any com–” I didn’t even get to finish the command before the mob struck and the changelings collapsed under a rain of hooves. I trotted to the stage, unstrapped my cello, and pulled out my bottles of pills, making sure to arrange them all in a line. “Now, arrange yourselves in an orderly line, and take one pill from each bottle. After you take that, just… stand around and don’t do anything.”

Leaving the nobles to take their medicine, I trotted to the backstage basement entrance and checked for any sign of Turn Coat. Nothing. I turned to look back at the rest of the room. Still no sign of him. Had he already fled? Did he leave to comb the garden with the rest of his guards? The sound of hoofsteps coming from the stairs below me pulled me out of my thoughts.

“Well, dearie, you can just color me surprised, you can. Never thought one o’ them fancy noble types could be fightin’ against the effects of changeling venom. ‘Ow’d you do it?” Turn Coat said as he climbed the stairs, drawing every step out far longer than it needed to be. I glanced behind me at the nobles. There were still quite a few who needed to take their medicine.

“You know,” I said, trotting down to meet him halfway. “Training, willpower, things a common criminal couldn’t understand. Now, what were you doing in the basement?”

He laughed at that. “Well, I was figurin’ that maybe Lord Valiant had gone all treacherous on me and decided to use you and the other girl to create a diversion. Thought he might sneak away from my guards and come up through the basement. Certainly didn’t think a pampered mare like you would punch her way through my guards.” We reached the stairs’ midpoint and stopped. Was this… was this really what I was doing? Had I taken so readily to the role of spy?

“Clever,” I said, standing my ground and glaring at him. “I didn’t think a common criminal could be capable of such thought. Tell me, what did it take for you to betray Equestria to the changelings?”

“Oh, I take back what I said about you bein’ smart, dearie. Can you imagine that? Me being a furry fleshy pony?” He smirked and his whole body burst into green flames, leaving the black carapace of a changeling behind. His wings buzzed as he stretched them.

“Ugh, it’s bad enough giving up the wings and horns when I go undercover, but to have to deal with that accent… I swear, I’m going to find the first Turn Coat and snap her neck for coming up with something so ridiculous. Now, you’re going to tell me just how you resisted the effects of the changeling venom, or things are going to get very unpleasant for you,” the changeling said, itsvoice losing its ridiculous accent and taking a distinctly feminine edge.

“Really?” I asked, raising an eyebrow and trying to buy as much time for the ponies upstairs as I could. “We aren’t even going to fight first? You’re just going to skip straight to the ultimatum stage? That’s rather poor villainous form, isn’t it?”

She shrugged and took a step towards me. “See it that way if you want, I figure I’m giving you a chance to cooperate all nice like before I start casting spells.” Her voice practically buzzed as her mandibles clicked and she tilted her head. “You know if we get into an actual fight, I’ll win, right? I have wings and magic while you have… nothing.”

“So did your guards, and they didn’t even last thirty seconds against me. There were four of them and only one of you. I think the math points in my favor,” I said with as much bravado as I could muster. Yes, my punches were absolutely devastating, but if Turn Coat had any sense, she’d never let me get in range.

If her solid-blue compound eyes could have rolled, they would have. “You somehow managed to sneak up on them and take them out in a surprise attack. Doesn’t make you good in a stand-up fight, which is exactly what you and I are going to have if you don’t get to cooperating.” She flashed a hungry smile and licked his canines.. “Play along and I promise things’ll go easier. I’m sure if we both put our heads together, we can get that changeling venom to take you to happyland in no time. You know, I think when you finally do submit, I’ll ask Queen Katydid if I can keep you for myself. You’re too good to be wasted on that old codger.”

Her smile grew as she took a step closer. “Oh, I bet you’ll be so cute, curled up next to me in the hive. Maybe… I know! Do you have a special somepony because I’m sure the two of you will make a great matching–”

She flew backwards, wings buzzing as she narrowly dodged my punch. “I’ll take that as a yes, then. Who is it?” she asked, careful to hover just out of my reach. “I promise, it’ll be so fun. You ponies just look so happy on changeling venom that it makes me want to squeal. Here we are, giving you the greatest gift imaginable. Tasting your appreciation is just the icing on the cake. Now, are you going to play nice Tavi, or am I going to have to make you play nice?”

“Didn’t you try that already?” I asked, struggling not to take a step away from the changeling. The moment fighting started, I needed to get some room to dodge her attacks, but until then, I couldn’t risk letting her see what was going on upstairs. “Pardon me for thinking that a repetition of a failed plan will work.”

The Changeling Formerly Known asTurn Coat’s horn lit up. “We aren’t just one trick ponies. Over the centuries we’ve come up with lots of ways of making you ponies happy and stolen even more ways. Do you know you ponies have entire books of spells designed for brainwashing other ponies? You can take away a pony’s memories and give them a pleasant lie in return. You do all that to each other and it’s completely fine, but I’m the bad mare for wanting to make you all get along and love each other.” A bolt of energy shot from her horn and I pressed myself against the side of the wall, narrowly avoiding the magic. I turned and ran up the stairs, listening to Turn Coat’s buzzing wings follow me.

“Come on,” Turn Coat said, laughing from her spot behind me. “I promise it’ll be fun.” I reached the last stair in the estate and prayed to Celestia that I’d bought enough time for the nobles to take their medicine. They all sat in the audience, staring blankly at nothing while my pill bottles sat empty in the corner. Giving a sigh of relief, I whirled around, preparing for my ultimate confrontation with Turn Coat, and was promptly hit by a bolt of magic that sent me to the floor.

“Ooh!” Turn Coat said, moving to position herself on top of me as I struggled to get my hooves to move. “It looks like we’ll have an audience for our little finale, Tavi, isn’t that fun?” She looked up at the crowd. “You all can ignore whatever commands she gave you to act decent, I know all this sitting still and not doing anything must be killing you, so go on and have fun while I have a nice talk with my new friend here.”

I struggled to move my hooves and push the changeling off me, but my body was completely unresponsive. “Nice, right?” Turn Coat said, her hungry smile still on her face. “It’s a paralysis spell, only works for a few minutes, but I think that’s all the time I need.” She leaned close and cooed into my ear. “When that spell wears off, you’ll be wishing I’d got my hooves onto you sooner.”

She brought her horn against my temple and a tidal wave crashed against me, sending my mind spinning as the wave washed me away. Words. Fit. Right. Didn’t. I struggled to… something. Remember. Couldn’t. Octavia Melody. The word echoed. Important. Couldn’t forget them. Needed something though.

Octavia Melody. Yes, important words for… something important? Somepony important? Something wanted her forgotten. Her. Yes. Octavia Melody was a her. A name Was I her? I fought the wave, clutching on to those two words as others flooded past. There had to be other words. Words that went with these? Was it… Octavia Melody needed something. Something to go with her or else she was just an empty I. Empty I’s wouldn’t hold up against the wave for long. Needed to fight the wave for some reason.

Philharmonic. Cello. Bon-Bon. Lyra. Ponyville. Academy. Luna. More words floated by. I tried to reach for them, but… they weren’t right. None of them were right. Something else I needed. Something to finish Octavia Melody. I searched the roaring sea for it, clutching tightly to my lifeboat of Octavia Melody and kicked my legs to keep it above the water. Going under would be bad. I needed to keep Octavia Melody close to me. If we were separated, I was lost. That much I knew. I needed Octavia Melody and Octavia Melody needed something else.

In the distance, I saw the words she needed, floating in the distance: Vinyl Scratch. I kicked my legs and swam to them. I couldn’t lose the words. Octavia Melody needed them to stay afloat. Something cold and slimy tried to wrap itself around my back leg. I kicked harder. The words rushed towards me. In a second, Vinyl Scratch would be gone, unretrievable, and Octavia Melody would be alone. They rushed by and I grabbed them with one free hoof. Octavia Melody and Vinyl Scratch. They fit. They were… Octavia Melody wasn’t Octavia Melody without Vinyl Scratch, and I was… I was Octavia Melody.

I opened my eyes. A changeling sat on top of me. I was Octavia Melody. “You keep offering up new surprises, don’t you?” the changeling said. Yes, she was a changeling and I was Octavia Melody. “Most ponies would be in drool town right now, but not you. You’re still resisting for some dumb reason. I promise whatever you’re hanging on to in there isn’t worth it." I was Octavia Melody and the changeling wanted to keep me from Vinyl Scratch.

There was only one response.

My hoof shot up, the changeling’s head slammed back and she staggered off me. “Huh,” she said, green blood dripping from her mouth. “You know, I was trying to make things easy for you, but if you don’t want to play… Hold her down!” she yelled at the ponies off stage. I turned my head to look at them, and they just stared there, blinking like a fog in front of them was clearing. That was… Why was that important?

One of the nobles stepped up. Yes, they were nobles. That’s… They were nobles, and I’d done something to them. Saved them? Saved them from… Poison? His horn lit up. More nobles stepped forward. More nobles lit their horns up. Turn Coat looked from the nobles, to me, and finally, to the empty pill bottles on the edge of the stage. Understanding formed on her face as the room exploded into light and I fell into darkness.

Author's Note:

This is something closer to my original version of A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Lose. It's still an adventure, but instead of being a grimdark sadfest, it's a dark adventure with some comedic elements. You know, basically par for the course for Tavi.

Comments

[Freeze Frame]

You can take away a pony’s memories and give them a pleasant lie in return.

Memories of Shadow confirmed in the same universe!

Also, the term 'orgy' is outdated, they're called genital jamberines now.

[Distaff Pope]

5565130 If you really want to get crazy, just imagine that the original version is the atrocious reality Celestia wiped away. However, I'll leave all that to the domain of fan theories. Also, to be fair, Celestia does another mind magic spell in Foal Fever, so... the hints have always been there, but they will just stay as hints, I think.

[Raul]

This isnt really dark, its like those comedic spy movies. Also, with a name like turn coat how does one not suspect traitor?