• Member Since 27th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen 9 hours ago

Deathscar


You'd be surprised at the emotions twenty-six letters can unearth

E
Source

Fluttershy tells the story of how a certain Rainbow-colored mare has helped her through all her difficulties in her life and how one fateful choice ended it all.

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Author's Notes:

For those wondering where Gilda is, allow me to explain why I didn't put her in. When Fluttershy first meets Gilda in Griffon the Brush Off, she didn't seem to recognize Gilda and vice versa. As such, the Junior Speedsters were always a separate after-school activity in my head so I thought that Fluttershy would have no relation to Gilda.

I need to widen my vocabulary by a lot if my writing is going to get any better. I also need to start writing consistently.

Cover image and story inspiration provided by the very talented Megacreomon: http://megacreomon.deviantart.com/

Don't forget to Read and Rate! Thanks for reading!
-Deathscar
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Edit 1: Spelling and Grammer check. Added some important lines to clarify as to why Rainbow would make the choice she did. Re-read is recommended only for the second last scene. Added minor details here and there.

Edit 2: Corrected a lot of things, such as sentence structure and grammer, after a proof reading my JohnPerry (seriously he has helped me drastically) and added a new major scene to provide even further clarification!

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 53 )

That was the most beautiful story I have ever heard. I can't believe dash would commit suicide; losing her parents is just hard.
It was very sad and very touching at the same time. Rest In Peace Rainbow Dash. :fluttershbad::fluttershyouch::fluttercry:

Such a touching story. At least your story wasn't spammed with image macros.

That was one of the better sad-fics I have read in a while. Have you considered joining the sad-fic group. We would really appreciate having a writer like you in there.

.... :fluttercry: that was a great story. Very sad though...

This is so sad but a great relationship novel for Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. :fluttershysad:

423112 Yes I've just joined the group! :) Thank you for recommending it to me!

To everyone else, thank you so much for your positive comments :)

It's a decent story. You got the basic plot and idea right, but way everything plays out could be done better. It feels as if some parts are forced out and deliberately created in an attempt to get the sadness going. I remember the weather coinciding with Fluttershy's feelings coming across as overly dramatic, as well as some other parts that I can't quite recall. Also, it doesn't feel justified for Rainbow to commit suicide simply due to the loss of the parents. It doesn't seem like a good enough reason. As the reader, I'm not able to feel the loss Rainbow went through and so it becomes difficult to believe that it'll result in her ending her life. It comes across as forced.

You also have a tendency to use names rather than 'she'. I know that you are trying to avoid confusion over here, especially with two female characters in the same scene, so readers may get confused as to which 'she' you are referring to, but try to cut out the names as far as possible.

Some other minor problems
- using numbers instead of words. (3 instead of three)
- Inconsistency, especially in description. Eg: describing a character to be under the forest's canopy, and yet describing the sky as if she had a clear view of it.
- The last scene, where it was supposed to be night, but then suddenly it turns day in a couple of minutes, complete with a beautiful rainbow.

427652 Yes its true about the names, I found after few stories I wrote, a lot of people got confused when I used 'he' or 'she' when two or more similar genders are in the same scene.

As for the minor problems. Yes the numbers instead of words is something I keep telling myself to try to change but when I get caught up in writing, I completely forget about it. I will go back to correct it though, thank you! Inconsistency is entirely my fault, in my head the canopy had small little holes where you can see the sky, I didn't mean for Fluttershy to seem to be able to see the whole sky so it is a lack of description on my part. Last scene it was morning when the Rainbow appeared, I was hoping to get across the feeling of "its a brand new day and Rainbow's with you" with that last scene. Again it was probably due to my lack of description and limited vocabulary being the reason why some people thought it was this way.

The idea just came into my head after seeing the cover art and just would not rest until I gave it life and this was the result! I will continue writing, improving and thank you for taking time off to offer your critique. I will take all of these in mind for my future pieces, I am always trying to better myself as a writer! Thank you so much!

Good job.... You made me shed a few tears while My Lttle Dashie did not. I really liked this story. For the majority of it, I had the mixed emotions of both happiness and sadness. I had thought RD would have died in some tradgic training accident, so the whole suicide part through me off guard, though it was very well done. The one thing that I felt was off was the cause for suicide, I thought it to be a bit insufficient especially considering she didn't seem to have strong ties to her parents. But I have no idea what else would be a sufficient cause.... But I piticularly liked the ending with the acceptance into the wonderbolts for RD and how spitfire didn't know.
TL;DR very well written, I just agree with a previous poster about her parents dying not being enough for suicide.

432637 Thank you so much for the comment :) Yes I know its a little hard to believe but I didn't know how to expand on Rainbow's tight relationship with her parents. i guess I didn't think it through but I perfectly understand why it doesn't seem like a strong enough reason. I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

Didn't cry but came really close, so touching

It was a great story.
But the reason for her to commit suicide wasn't enough.
This was almost the first sad story that didn't make me cry. ~I am a sucker for sad stories~
That was until i got to the end where Fluttershy pulled out the uniform.
I did catch the message "Its A Brand New Day And Rainbow's With You" that you stated in one of your comments.

Either way I am glad you took the time to write this.:heart:

Just stating the fact that I liked the revision. It added a lot more to the story imho with the letter, which was well thought out. It seems more believable now for dash to commit suicide, because it sort of explains that although Dash didn't talk to her parents that she still wanted for them to be proud.

453426 Thank you for the comment! I'm really glad its better! :)

:fluttercry: :fluttercry: :fluttercry:
Look at what you've done... Fluttershy is crying...

480634 :fluttercry: please don't cry!! :pinkiesad2: You were great at the wedding Flutters :D

Aw man, that tugged at my heartstrings so hard I was sure they'd go and snap. D:

I was particularly fond of the way you segued between past and present while Fluttershy reminisced, it felt rather natural and kept things interesting. You also managed to convey rather well the mood and feelings of a person who has lost someone dear to them and is going through various stages of mourning, eventually ending up with some form of acceptance which allows them to move on.

In terms of critique, apart from stuff that was already mentioned, I felt that you may have overused ellipses to indicate pauses in speech a bit too much. Or maybe even tried to write dialogue too phonetically overall, what with all the stuttering going on as well. But that's something I always struggle with myself, so this may just be a personal quibble of mine. :)

The most contentious thing in this story is of course always going to be the suicide, and I do also think that it's hard for a reader to comprehend such an extreme act of desperation from a character when we do not get to see things through their eyes. You did your best to justify it, but it took me out of the story a little, too. But then again, part of the whole drama of the fic is the fact that nobody saw it coming, and the guilt Fluttershy experiences because of that..

So yeah. Good read!

492522 Thank you so much for taking the time to give me criticism. I'm really glad you liked it and I agree, I'm still trying to cut back on my ellipses abuse. Its a condition I'm trying to work on :P The dialogue I write comes from my mind so when they pause I add ellipses and they pause a lot :twilightblush: but yes I understand I need to cut back on that. Thank you again!

492552

You're quite welcome. <3

And thank you for writing a story that effectively manipulated my emotions, making me all snuffly and drawing weird looks from my colleagues and.. Wait a minute, why am I thanking you for this again? *shakes fist* :flutterrage:

And I completely know what you mean about the dialogue. You probably imagine the characters speaking your lines, playing the scene in your imagination, and then try to write it down in a way that accurately portrays the way you imagined them saying it. That's what I tend to do, anyway. You do want to do this, but not too much. It's a written medium, after all, and you need to allow people to use their own imagination a bit, too. Limiting its usage also means that when you do use it, it has more impact. It can get distracting otherwise. (Such as whenever someone tries too hard to capture Applejack's heavy accent phonetically..)

492632 You're completely correct! I actually never thought about leaving room for the readers to imagine :x because I thought dialogue should always be shown as the character might say it. Yes I agree that for the fanfictions I read, some try to capture AJ's southern accent to much that the dialogue almost becomes unreadable unless you go back and read it a few times :P That's why I only resorted to changing 'I's' to 'Ah's' and let the structure portray her accent as best I can. :twilightsmile:

492642

I debated with myself on how to write Applejack's speech for a long time.. Personally, I don't even do the 'ah's - I decided to just assume that everyone reading already knows what AJ sounds like; they don't need me to spell it out for them in every sentence. I just write her sentence structure differently, have her use more vernacular and contractions, etc.

There's no absolute right or wrong way to deal with these types of things, mind you - it's a matter of preference. But yeah, excessive use will always lead to irritation from readers, and that's something you definitely want to avoid.

492685 Absolutely! Thank you for all the tips! They're sure to help :)

492739

In that case I will keep an eye on you to see to it that my tips are obeyed.. :trollestia:

492765 Yes Princess Celestia :)

That was definitely one of the more beautiful and touching sad-fics I've read. That ending... really tugs at the heartstrings. :fluttershysad:

512283 Why thank yoU! Do check out my most recent fanfic if you're up for some Spitfire history :twilightsmile:

I know I commented on this on dA, but I had to comment again.
Manly tears were almost shed...had to fight to keep it that way :fluttercry:
Even though you say you need to add to your vocabulary, I disagree. I think that the lack of extreme terms gives this story an extra facet. This simplified writing is perfect for the story.
Keep up the good work

529449 Thank you so much for commenting! If you like this I have a Spitfire fanfic (A Flier's Inner Fire) that is written in the same style as this :) Just thought I'd let you know :pinkiehappy:

What a wonderful story i loved it! :fluttercry: It was so sad though thanks for writing such amazing storys! Maybe make a happy one? :heart:

547348 I have a happy-sad one coming up. A lot more lighthearted than the stuff I've been writing :)

that was so good :yay: but so sad :fluttercry: but so good :yay: but soooooo sad:fluttercry::fluttershbad::fluttershyouch::fluttershysad:

... Why? Oh my God, I'm so sad right now I feel ill. :fluttercry: Very touching. Sir, you're a really good writer. I have had many students in my class over the years, and I can tell you with all honesty that, if you were in my class, you would get an A. Your stories have the essence to pull your readers in. Props to you!:twilightsmile:

589624 Wow! Thank you! :) I sadly didn't get a A in my english class as in Singapore, they expect all your essays to teach a moral lesson that is blatently obvious, allowing no room for creativity. I wish the education system wasn't so black and white but yeah, ranting now. Thank you for your comment. :) It makes my day to read comments like these!

Well I said that I would come check out your other stories and this is the first one I got to. All I can say is this nearly had me crying, just like a few people from what I can see. You pulled it all off beautifully. I also like how you are writing of the ponies' past which is something we get surprisingly little of from the show. So I say thank you again for the great read and be ready to see another comment on your Spitfire fic:twilightsmile:

597619 You're very much welcome! Thank you for taking the time to read :)

That was beautiful.

Not bad, probs the worst one yet, it almost just didn't give satifacation on why RD killed herself I mean I know the letter and everything but it was just to big of a jump for me, like "ooooo I have the best friend in the world!!....... See ya world." like I think you should of hinted that RD missed her parents more, like a convo with her and fluttershy or something like that. Also this one didn't make me feel anything like the others, like when derpy heard the tumblers I felt it in my heart but here.... Meh

So ya *wipps out a knife* the vinyl one better be better :flutterrage:

Na jk I'm sure title be fine :pinkiehappy:

633094 Haha this was my very first Remembrance fic so I understand the troubles. I just wanted to try something knew, never thinking it'd grow into a saga xD

O nice, it's really good for your first one then :twilightsmile:

hi again! Sorry for bothering you, I'm going to get straight to the point, I want to use your idea you had with this one and put it in my own fic, like with RD getting expelled from school, and her parents disowning her, she's not going to die in my fic, but yano.

also, of course i'll give you a shout out for the idea, but i would never take it without your permission... Have I ever told you how good this story is? Its like totally the best out of all the remembererence series. :rainbowwild:

728909 Go ahead! It's great to know something I wrote could inspire more art! :)

:rainbowkiss: Thank you so much!

This. Was. SAD! But you know, after reading some comments, yeah. People are gonna bitch about the little minor details. I don't think about those, I just ask myself, "Did I enjoy that?" And the answer is a very enthusiastic "Yes!"

-Terry

Comment posted by ThePanicLegend deleted Jan 4th, 2013

I cried so much.... STOP MAKING ME FEEL THIS SADNESS!

How... Whenever I need something, you deliver. Just... I can't take it anymore. I need to go find my cousins and give them a hug. I need one, bad. Thank you. (and I have a sneaking suspicion they'll need one after I break the news to them):pinkiesad2::fluttercry::applecry::raritydespair:

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