A Flicker of Light in a Sea of Darkness

Dark Side Of Equestria2,076 stories ·677 members

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A kind pegasus perils a storm to guard a precious flame from being snuffed out. She faces adversity, loss and perhaps death of that which she struggles to preserve.

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Pleaseworkforonce

Pleaseworkforonce #1 · Jun 10th, 2014 · · ·

Since this is a short story I'm just going to put awkward parts in the comments

spewed lightning and sounded thunder

Yeah those verbs are awkward

This heat, according to some, was nothing but a chemical working on the brain. To others it was rubbish made evident by such and such calculations.

Those two groups of people sound pretty much the same

At the end things start to escalate way too quickly to leave any emotional impact and the message was left wanting.

Now the message there's some points that need to be worked
1: You need to give us a reason to care because to be frank I felt nothing for any of the characters throughout the story
2: You need to actually give some reasons as to why the message in the story is right and put more details into the message you support. Right now the message pretty much looks like this if you skim over the story

"Gay marriage should be legal, if you disagree you should be attacked by those who love you and have your life controlled by a third party"

Anyways after rereading it a few times it starts to shift to this message
"There is right and there is wrong and wrong is wrong even if it seems right"
However this message runs into the problem of not enough character development to actually make me care at all and has no evidence in the story other than a weepy Fluttershy.

Anyways good luck in your future stories

YB #2 · Jun 10th, 2014 · · ·

I was going to make a long comment but 4526265 pretty much nailed it

I really liked the way you started the story, with the present and the past being shifted quickly, it was fluent and somewhat natural
But then it turned into a drama -- the word is overused, but here it is exactly the definition of drama.

You know, it kind of feels like old literature, in a way. There is a lot of symbolism, of implicit meanings, and a very high level of English -- which makes it harder to read, especially for foreigners like me, hehe -- that make it look very classy... but there is also that theatricality, these long spoken lines that you most likely will never hear from anyone's month nowadays, and, well, there are little to no feelings being shown. It doesn't feel natural.

But most importantly, it feels like it doesn't belong, like it's something that should not be here, in this universe. It's like everything is broken ("Won't you see reason" everywhere), shots being fired from every side, and there is Fluttershy caught in the crossfire. Maybe that's what you wanted to show, in which case, well, it worked. And as I think about it, well yeah, it was good. But it still lacks that empathy, that link between the reader and the characters, to make it work properly.

I feel like I missed the point of the story.
That's why I can't really like or dislike it.
But you seem to be very capable, so keep trying and writing.

I can't think of a way to end this comment properly, so have a picture of a pony with glasses as an encouragement

Pink as Pie

Pink as Pie #3 · Jun 11th, 2014 · · ·

4526265 I had recognised the verbs were strange and almost changed the "spewed lightning" but decided against it; simply because I liked it as it was, it felt more creative.

Yes, they are very similiar in spirit but it has been my observation that the two very different people could use a slightly different justification.

Regarding the ending and overall impact, I admit that parts were certainly jarring and am saddened that you felt no conncetion to any of the characters. Any tips regarding this would be appreciated.

As for the message I had thought it was rather clear, what was the law? Could change on a dime? Was light darkness and darkness light or darkness darkness and light light? There was supposed to be some ambiguity and ultimately the heart of each reader would decide their position.

Thanks for commenting and good luck to you too.

Pink as Pie

Pink as Pie #4 · Jun 11th, 2014 · · ·

4526356

"I really liked the way you started the story, with the present and the past being shifted quickly, it was fluent and somewhat natural"
That is good to hear, I feared it may not have gone over so well.

I do adore old or as some call it archaic literature, speech and such.

I also sympathize I understand how difficult learning a new language can be.

"and, well, there are little to no feelings being shown. It doesn't feel natural."
I had thought I had shown a fair amount of emotions: Fluttershy giving up and gaining new strength, Twilight's desperation and hatred of being called or even hinted of perversion, Celestia's unfailing sticking to her guns and Luna's impartiality as well as her arrogance.

"But most importantly, it feels like it doesn't belong, like it's something that should not be here, in this universe. It's like everything is broken ("Won't you see reason" everywhere), shots being fired from every side, and there is Fluttershy caught in the crossfire. Maybe that's what you wanted to show, in which case, well, it worked."
That is almost exactly what I was going for, especially regarding reason; a most vain assumption that everything can be unravelled by Man's mere intellect.

Nevertheless thanks for the encouragement and the .

mehperson

mehperson #5 · Jun 20th, 2014 · · ·

Wait... what is the law they were begging Princess Celestia to change? It is about love so gay marriage. Is it allowed or forbidden? Sorry, but I am not used to this kind of writing. I ,somehow, liked it.
EDIT: Never mind. I understand now

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