• Member Since 4th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

Liaf112


loves to read and loves mlpfim male 27 No longer depressed.

T

A seven year old boy who has a difficult life makes a wish to be in a better place.

Chapters (8)
Comments ( 56 )

The premise is an interesting one, and I like how you make it seem childish through Dylan's pint of view, but it progressed very fast. There were some spelling errors and it seemed sloppy, overall. Also, if a new person starts speaking, start a new paragraph.

D'awwww. Although if that had been me right now. Those Bullies and Mother would be down on the ground. Broken bones and concussions.

VX

are you sure that a seven year ild wrote this? You need to space out paragraphs and lots of gramma errors just saying :twilightblush:

Well this has potential, lets see how it unfolds

You really dug yourself into a hole by making the kid 7 years old. It will be very hard to write in the voice of a young kid because you really have to limit exactly what he says.(Mainly because you know much much more than the kid so the tone isn't as authentic as it would be if you wrote about someone your age.) You probably would have been better off writing about a 13-15 year old. Not only will you be able to use more advanced dialog but you will still have the innocence of a littler kid to help with the sadness of his/her life story.
There were also a lot of parts in this story where you needed to use a period or a comma, instead you ended up with a run-on. There were also quite a few spelling errors. Read over your story a few times before posting it just to make sure that spell check didn't miss anything. :twilightsmile:

I still wish to see where this story goes so keep on writing. You have a lot of time to find your style for writing and even more time to work on your grammatical issues. :raritywink:

EDIT: Very good choice with the first pony he finds. Take advantage of Fluttershy's motherly attributes and you can easily make a very touching story.

Thank you all I need all the criticism I can get.

Loving it but progression is way too fast, try slowing down a bit and take your time.

ok thank you.

d'aaaaw!!! this. this is awesome!

how the hell can this receive so many positive comments?

first of all, this isn't well written. It is hard to follow, the paragraphs are not well worked out and I see some grammar mistakes. The latter one isn't bad if English isn't your mother tongue.

then, the story: a 7 year old kid who speaks pretty mature. right. And btw, this is just another HiE repost. another. how many HiE's are there out there??? originality level=0. (And there are enough stories about little kids going to Equestria, with ''Finding Harmony'' the best one yet.)

So you know this is my first attempt at writhing ANYTHING other than for school. And I know I make mistakes It would help if people would point out specific mistakes that way I can get better. Plus I have dislexia and this is actually really hard to do with that.

its a good story, but it seems like hes not sure who fluttershy is even though he watches he show. ill watch for and new chapters :rainbowkiss:

still writing next chapter its hard to work write and go to social gatherings, In fact I was writing at a mudding event the other day. (for those who dont know mudding is where a big 4 wheel drive truck is driven through the mud and see who can get the farthest before getting stuck my mom came in 4 th place out of 11 shes awesome)

Great job for a first try (In my opinion). Try to start a new paragraph each time someone new speaks. Try to go a bit slower in pace, it seemed a bit rushed.

Take it from me when I say it's good for a first try. :D

I remember when I did my first fic. It got better as I went on.

So good luck in the future and try to work on that grammer.

Liked and faved. :D

477106 OMG you're reading this to!!!!!!!

543061 Are you following me O_O

543454 hell no this is just a coinkydink

once again lol

almost done with chapter 2 and I suck at writing with distractions ex: TV, people talking, wanting to read other peoples fics, explosives.... and probably some more but I forgot what im going with this.

First :P Anyway the chapter was awsome can't wait for more:twilightsmile:

Loved it. Anyway I'm holding a compatition on my page, check my blog for the rules.

Hmm this intrigues me also if I were him one of those bullies would either be in a hospital or dead even at that age. Trust me I was evil has a child and not one to make angry or things went bad

670583
I see remind me not to make you angry

672864 bad parents so what do you expect. Also I remember having a binder that is converted in ductape and can scar you if I was to scrape it against skin at a good speed and a metal binding that can easily be used has a deadly weapon. I have also stabbed someone with siscors and had thrown siscors at someone. I also knew a lot about anatomy to they point were if a girl were to hit me below belt she could lose an ovary. But I was also the biggest retarded daredevil you could find.

673064
oh how much of a daredevil.

673076 since I was a kid it unfortunately didn't have big things but like just about anything that causes danger. Also I have nearly ended my life on multiple occasions of these stunts.

In real life my Kd spread is 0-3

433799
I slightly explain this later.

I just realized I put log instead of leg *facepalm*

had someone edit some

Pretty good so far, can't wait to see more :pinkiehappy:

423600 Are you sure that a 3 year old didn't right this comment :trollestia:

is this a dead story

Liking this so far. There are some young children that speak mature, so if Dylan can speak mature at seven then there is nothing wrong with that. Oh, and very good to end up in the care of Fluttershy. :yay:

I love the stammering of nervousness he does around Fluttershy and Applejack. I do the same with my child (Toby) in mine. Such a sweet gesture for Applejack to let Dylan ride on her back since he couldn't walk real good. :pinkiehappy:

Here we go, to meet bookworm Twilight. I hope she doesn't do any crazy experiment on the poor kid. :twilightoops:

2288495 I don't think I have the heart to make her experiment on him..............at least not too much.:pinkiehappy:

2288514 Haha.. Well, I can't wait. Hopefully though if she does experiment on him, she would be gentle to him and calm him so he won't be nervous or scared. Also, hope it won't hurt him. :twilightsheepish:

2288561 I hope so too some times my mind writes stuff on its own.:pinkiecrazy: (jk just messing with you.)

Aww..poor Dylan getting samples taken from Twilight. I know he said it was okay, but I can sense his fear when she did the blood sample. Hmm..I wonder who they are going to go meet next? :pinkiehappy:

423600>>930144 You both have spelling mistakes and it is hilarious.

LOL...my reaction exactly to Pinkie's excited talking and incoherent rambling at times! :pinkiehappy:

2401895 yes and its hard to think like that. :derpyderp1:

Aww..that was a very cute and sweet chapter with Pinkie Pie meeting Dylan. Uh..oh though, he is about to meet Rainbow, and that gotta hurt after being ran over by her by mistake though. :twilightoops:

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