Chapter 2
Twilight quickly clamped down on the feeling of sickness rising in her stomach and forced her slacking lungs to continue drawing breath. She might have been devastated, but this was neither the time nor the place to fall to pieces. That would have to wait until she got home. Right now she was here to support Dash during an important moment in her life and she was not going to ruin it with something as trivial as the apocalyptic destruction of all her hopes and dreams.
Being silently thankful that she was still in shock enough to not yet have any tears to fight back, she began damage control. First to deal with was the look of shock no doubt plastered across her face. This was a surprise announcement, so surprise was an acceptable response. She could run with this. She began searching for some words to make some kind of response beyond standing there and gawking like an idiot. They would expect her to say something. Preferably something technically true so she wouldn't have to lie to the mare of her dreams and the element of honesty standing next to her. That eliminated pretty much anything along the line of "I'm happy for you". Fortunately, the others bought her some precious time to compose her thoughts.
"This is just fantastic darlings! I must say you do make quite the perfect couple. I've always hoped you two might get together. Oh you simply must let me make you some matching outfits! I'm thinking an earth and sky motif. Oh this is going to be fabulous!"
"Oh my, I mean, this is just so wonderful. I'm so happy for you both."
"Wow. I can certainly say I wasn't expecting that." Twilight said with more sincerity than she had ever said anything in her life. "Congratulations." There it was. Short, simple, socially appropriate, and without a true or false value. Twilight mentally breathed a sigh of relief.
"I know I was surprised when I found out! I was so surprised my coat turned white! Though that was probably because of the bag of flour I dropped. I was all 'EEEUUUUUHHHHHH!' and they were all 'Pinkie don't tell anyone' and I was all 'cross my heart hope to fly stick a cupcake in my eye' and then they told everyone and I was all 'WOOHOO!' and now I'm going to go eat cake and be all OM NOM NOM NOM!"
And with that, the party resumed. Having survived the first response, Twilight made a check on her mental checklist as she headed back to the refreshment table. If anyone tried to talk to her, the excuse of a full mouth would buy her extra moments to respond while simultaneously working out how and when to leave the party. She needed to leave, but bolting too soon would arouse suspicion. She had just decided that she should stay at least a minimum of twenty minutes when Rainbow Dash glided across the room and landed next to her.
"So what was this thing you needed to talk to me about?" Dash asked, sending a fresh wave of adrenaline through Twilight's body. Any other time she would have been overjoyed at Dash's company, but now she needed to get away.
"Hmm? Oh, nothing. That problem resolved itself actually. No need to worry about it." Twilight replied in as calm and casual a manner as she could muster.
"Are you sure? You don't need any more help?"
"No. I had just misplaced my hairbrush and was wondering if you had seen it or could help me find it, but I just remembered where I put it so it's fine now. Everything's fine." Twilight lied as she turned away to grab another piece of cake. She might have been able to keep a believable face, and Dash wasn't the most perceptive of ponies, but she wasn't about to risk giving anything away.
"Okay then. If you ever need anything else Twi, just tell me. You can count on me for anything. I'd never leave a friend hanging." Rainbow flashed that cocky smile that set Twilight's heart aflutter.
"I will. Thanks Dash. You're the best friend a pony could hope for." Twilight closely scrutinized her slice of cake, barely concealing the pain caused by such kind words that only minutes ago would have filled her with joy, but now felt like icy daggers in her heart.
As Rainbow Dash glided back towards Applejack, Twilight felt her eyes start to water slightly and got an idea. Instead of forcing her tears back or trying to covertly wipe them, she simply rubbed them, blinking a few times and making a few irritated noises. Now she could play off any redness or watering as legitimate irritation from some mysterious illness she was suddenly developing.
Now she just had to wait. She continued to mingle, inserting herself into group conversations and taking a back seat with occasional monosyllable responses. She continued rubbing at her eyes and using the occasional tissue (she found her nose was starting to run a bit) until somepony took notice.
"Twilight darling, are you feeling alright? You're starting to look dreadful!"
Seeing her opportunity at last, Twilight seized upon it. "Well actually, I am starting to feel a bit under the weather. Sorry girls, but it looks like I may have to turn in early. I hope you don't mind."
After being reassured that they would be fine without her and that looking after her health was far more important, she gave a final congratulations to the happy couple and bid the rest of her friends goodnight. Once she was around the corner and safely out of sight, she teleported herself directly to the library. Enveloping the front door in the purple glow of her magic, she slammed it behind her so hard that she temporarily feared it might split down the middle. She was glad she had sent Spike away for the weekend. She was in no mood to explain herself and probably wouldn't be for a few days.
As she sullenly walked toward the stairs to her bedroom, she conjured a bucket of water and submerged the pile of fireworks sitting in the corner before throwing them in the trash without a second glance. After slowly dragging herself up the stairs and collapsing onto her bed, Twilight Sparkle paused a full three seconds before checking off the final box on her mental checklist and getting around to the long task of crying herself to sleep.
Well, it's much better than first chapter. I can't wait for more.
425158
If you don't mind my asking, what would you say makes it better? More compact? Less time skipping? Smaller paragraphs with slightly more dialogue interspersed? Want to know what to do more and less of in the future.
425218
Less chaotic. Slower. Not rushed. AND it didn't felt like everthing is happening at once. I was pretty lost in first chapter.
425224
Yeah, that was kind of a mass exposition dump. Wanted to lay down all the background info and get things moving since I intended most of the story to focus on after the crushing revelation and not the lead up to it. Now I'm feeling a bit more comfortable with slowing down and taking my time with a scene instead of hurrying through it. Will try to avoid slipping into bad habits of racing to the end.
Side Note: Just did a quick technical edit. I really need to remember the first rule of editing and wait a day between finishing writing and posting. Or at least sleep before the final read through. I just get so excited to hit that publish button. This new form of attention is like a drug I want to rub all over my body. Sleep now.
Huh. Interesting.
I like where this is going. The first chapter was somewhat...discordant, but besides that, you have talent. The second chapter was much better.
The plot itself is a nice change. While I love stories about...erm, love, there is rarely any "I have to think about it" or "There's another mare involved" stories. This will probably make me sad and need comfort food, but I digress.
Overall, well done so far, I hope you continue as soon as you are able.
Sincerely,
ChrisTheCat
Right now she was here to support Dash during an important moment in her life and she was not going to ruin it with something as trivial as the apocalyptic destruction of all her hopes and dreams.
Best line ever, even if it is terrible for Twilight.
RD:"Hey everypony! I'm dating Applejack!"
*glass break*
RD:"What was that?"
TS:"Nothing it's just....my heart....breaking into a million tiny pieces"
AJ:"Are you alright sugarcube?"
TS:"Yeah I'm ok"
*Later at the library*
TS:*Crying* "I'm not ok"
*Back at the party*
Me:"Dashie you suck at understanding an egghead's heart"
On a serious note: Normally I don't like shipping but great job anyways.
Wow, poor Twilight. Hope this will still have some sort of a happy ending though.
Ooh, more nit picking incoming!
"Okay then. If you ever need anything else Twi, just tell me. You can count on me for anything. I'd never leave a friend hanging." flashing that cocky smile that set Twilight's heart aflutter.
Two problems: Most obvious is the lack of a "she said" before the flashing of the smile, but there's a more important one. You've ended Rainbow Dash's quotation with a period, ending the sentence, but carry on afterwards as if you haven't. If you're going to have a "she said" after a quotation, the character's words do not end with a period. You make this mistake a few times.
Now, if you were going for something like this, the period would not be incorrect: "I'd never leave a friend hanging." Rainbow Dash flashed that cocky smile that set Twilight's heart aflutter.
And, should you not mind my saying, I think this would be better fitting as the end of chapter one. It's lovely, but left on its own it's criminaly short, and doesn't do much.
425935
I've never been quite sure about the rules for periods when ending dialogue. It feels both criminally wrong not to end speech with a period, and I worry if it is bad form to build up to many "____ said"s.
When this is all finished, I may have to go back and slide my chapter breaks around. I mostly ended chapter one where I did because I wanted that brick wall cliffhanger. I also wanted some kind of break or pause after what I wrote here. Maybe some asterisks and returns would do the job.
426804
It's odd, isn't it? Once the rules click in your head, though, nothing else looks right.
You've good intuintion. Too many dialogue tags can bog a story down, mess with the rhythm. But as I tried to exemplify, you don't always need to use them. It all lies in how you frame the dialogue. It's one thing to have the quote and the characters actions two separate sentences, but just skipping over the tag where one would normally go looks sloppy.
That might just be me.
I understand where you're coming from on the cliffhangar. I think that's my own primary area of struggle, where best to break things up.
Your brick wall was quite the tease, it did goad me to read further. This chapter ended well, too; but there's just so little of it. Not enough to sink one's teeth into.
Anyway, that's my opinion. I wish you luck, and look forward to more.
425158
Agreed, I find it better because it gave me a more realistic feel to it, I would really do the same thing if I was in that situation.
Amazing, I cant wait for more!
This is looking great so far. I came across this fic while browsing with the exact same sentiment you mentioned in the description, so naturally, I read "I've read a bunch of shipfics that are all happy resolutions after the confession so I wanted to try an alternative." as "HEY FLIPPO! OVER HERE! FLIPPO! READ ME! MEEEEEE~~~~~"
426804
Made it. No tears so far. Gonna get chicken as reward.
And you say your not a writer.. pshaw, this is good.
PonyAmorous, I don't if if you've heavily edited this since you first posted it, but this is very well written! You said you're not a writer, and I have to whole-heartedly disagree! I have read a lot of stories that do not even come close to how good I find this story!
Bravo! Brav-o!
Why don't you use the actual author's notes? I thought "filler" like that wasn't allowed.
Yippee! Go AppleDash! Smash those dreams into TINY PIECES! MAKE HER SUFFER! SUFFER I SAY! SUFFER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In case you haven't figured it out, I extremely dislike Twilight Sparkle. That is all.
6293984 well that's no good. I'm sure you know by now, but this is technically a TwiDash fic.
6496132
Oh I know...and I love the dark magic that Twilight uses in this! This version of Twiight is one of the few that I actually like! Others include Take Two...
6293984
Then why the hell are you here? Twinkle Sprinkle is best pony. (I love to call her Twinkle Sprinkle)