• Published 10th Jun 2014
  • 2,058 Views, 72 Comments

Blood, Meth, and Tears - Hot Blooded Hero

A man wakes up near the Crystal Empire, and he plans to build himself a crystal empire.

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"Phenylacetone... organic chemical compound substance... comprised of nine Carbon molecules... ten Hydrogen... and an Oxygen... Chemical formula of... C-six-H-five-C-H-two-C-O-C-H-three... Can be... artificially produced with phenylacetic and acetic acids with a thorium dioxide catalyst andwhenusedwithmethylamineinareductionaminationprocessitproduces-"

Walter awoke with a gasp before deteriorating into coughs for the third time that day. The sunlight from the curtain-less window shined in his face like the lantern from before he passed out, reminding him of what was happening. He let out a deep breath and rubbed his face, noticing his glasses weren't there. Looking around, he noticed he was no longer in a cave of any sort, but a hospital room with an IV in his arm and a heart monitor connected to his chest. He was wearing a hospital gown, and his clothes (which he now noticed weren't even his) were on a chair beside his bedside table. On the table were his glasses and a glass of water.

He put on the glasses before picking up the glass and hesitantly sipping it. The second the cool water reached his tongue, he immediately tried to down it in one gulp, succeeding only in getting most of it on himself and starting a much more intense coughing fit, causing his heart-rate to beep faster.

Fortunately, a nurse happened to be opening the door to check up on him and noticed his condition. She raced to the bed at his aid with a "Sir! Are you alright? Please, take deep breaths and calm down."

Walt started to, but it led to more coughing, so he decided to let it ride out as the nurse attempted to comfort him with small pats on the back. The nurse then noticed the empty glass on his bed and the spill it made. She glanced to the clipboard next to his bed and got his name.

"Mr. White, I understand that you might be thirsty, but you need to limit yourself. Those coughs don't sound too good, and while they could be due to the state we found you in, the doctor may still need to perform a scan on you once he returns." She picked up the glass and moved to the bathroom to refill it.

Walt's hacks eventually left him as the nurse returned with the glass. He looked to the kind nurse to tha-

Oh. Here was another one. For some reason, it was obvious this one was female. She was pink, and somehow a transparent crystalline, which boggled White.

'You've already been through this last night,' said his logic. 'Whatever they are, they are kind and willing to help someone like you.'

'But she's shiny! How is she doing that?!' exclaimed his curiosity. 'Her eyes aren't gems, so she can't be a mineral-based life form. Is it an illusion?'

'Focus. You can study their physiology later. For now, we need to piece together our situation.'

Right. He had been staring blankly at these kind creatures for too long. He grabbed the glass with a nod and a small "Thank you" before taking smaller gulps as she had suggested.

The nurse made sure he wouldn't drink himself into another fit, then turned to leave.


She turned back. "Yes?"

Walt had his mouth open slightly, a question on the tip of his tongue, but realized that asking this nurse, who most likely isn't that much in the know about his situation and might not even care, would be incredibly rude. Instead, he asked a different question. "Is..." His eyebrows furrowed as he tried to remember something. "Spelunker here?"

The nurse's face brightened with recognition. "That's right! My husband was the one who found you! You wish to speak with him?"

White nodded. It seemed more appropriate to ask the one who found him than a nurse who was only making sure his well-being was well. Although, it was an odd coincidence that she happened to be his spouse.

After she left the room, Walt put thought into the position he found himself in.

Sapient horses. Sapient, English-speaking horses. A true oddity if he'd ever known one, but oddity is known from perspective. Could he be an oddity to them? Were they so trusting as to give assistance to such a strange and possibly hostile creature?

Well, he supposed the appearance of being cute wasn't without some form of naivete and innocence. Maybe it's an evolutionary trait.

The door opened again and in stepped the blue horse from the cave and the nurse. A smile that Spelunker already had on his face widened at the sight of him. "Hey, Walt! You're okay! I can call you 'Walt', right?"

Walt nodded. "Sure."

The stallion gave the man a once-over. "Well, you're certainly looking better than how I found you last night. What were you doing down there?" He raised an eyebrow and smirked a bit. "Actually, heh, a bigger question might be 'What are you?'"

At that, the nurse gave him a sharp nudge and a pointed look, eliciting an "Ouch! I was kidding!" out of her husband. "I'm sorry, Mr. White. He sometimes forgets to filter his words."

Walt chuckled. "Hey, I didn't expect a comedy routine to come with my treatment, so it's welcome."

Spelunker smiled slyly. "Well, they always said my wit was sharper than my looks, but I say that's impossible." He put a hoof around the nurse's shoulders. "I mean, how do you think I managed to snag this beauty right here?"

The nurse rolled her eyes. "You begged, like the puppy you are."

The stallion looked her in the eyes. "Am I an adorable puppy?"

Walt 'ahem'ed, and both blushed and pulled their hooves to themselves like some middle-schoolers caught in the hallway. Walt turned to the nurse. "You know, I never got you're name."

"It's Saline Solution, but most call me Sally," she said.

Walter hummed in confusion. "I thought 'Spelunker' was a nickname. I didn't think that all your names were based on what you would do."

Sally shrugged. "Cutie marks are generally genetic. Both of my parents worked in a medical field in some form or another. It only makes sense that I'd have a name centered around medical work. Or like Spelunker here, who's parents had different careers in exploring and geology, named him after both. Now he goes looking around caves for different rocks."

Spelunker huffed. "They're minerals, not rocks. Sheesh, Sally."

Walt's confused look furrowed further. "Cutie marks?"

Both of them seemed moderately surprised, but not entirely shocked. Sally then explained the basic concept, and Walter scoffed.

"Oh what, like magic?"

That got them both shocked. No one ever didn't know about magic. Not even the griffons. It was like knowing what basic colors were. Saying you didn't believe in magic was like saying you don't believe the color blue exists. Well, unless you were getting philosophical, and there are some nutjobs and douchebags who say the same about magic.

Spelunker was the first to break his shock. "Sheesh, did you live in that cave- Ow!" He rubbed the spot where Sally hit him, a bit miffed that it was the same spot as before.

Walt seemed to get the message though, and the moderate surprise that the other two had before was now on his face. Magical, sapient, English-speaking horses. They may get weirder by the minute, but at least they weren't getting worse. "Okay, sure. Yeah, I can deal with magic being a thing. Now, I think we're getting off-track. I wanted to ask Spelunker, but I guess you have about as much to do with this as him, Sally. First things first, where am I?"

Confusion was shared among the both of them. It seemed weird how synchronized their expressions were. Spelunker gave a courtesy cough before continuing. "Well, that depends on what you mean by 'where', because if you really were living in that cave, then I'd answer that you're in the capital city of the Crystal Empire, located within the continent of Equestria. Otherwise, if it weren't too obvious by now, we're in a hospital- Ow! Sheesh, Sally, could you stop hitting me there?! I think you bruised me already!"

"Then stop talking to him like an idiot!" Sally snapped. "He's obviously lost and an incredible ways away from home. Again, I'm terribly sorry for my husband's behavior, Mr. White. I-"

Walt raised a hand and motioned her to calm down. "Hey, hey, it's alright. It's perfectly understandable. I'm sure that anyone coming here would've known where they were going to, but I'm just a special case. It's fine, I promise. In fact, I think how I ended up here might be the weirdest thing that's happened to me today."

"So you ended up in that cave by accident? What happened?"

"Well, heh, the strangest thing, actually." Walter absentmindedly scratched his bald head. "I sort of... died."

The silence wasn't quite awkward, nor was it stunned or shocked, but an odd bastardization of the three.

Sally broke Spelunker's silence breaking streak. "You... died."

Walt simply replied, "Yes, I died. In a car crash. Anymore questions?"

Spelunker actually raised his hoof. "What's a car?"

Sally sighed.

Lightning Dust fiddled around with the complimentary pin they'd given her after she flunked the history test. She was sure she'd had it in the bag! How was she supposed to know that Commander Whatshisname created the So-and-So division for some stuffy nth century nobles?! It was literally impossible for her to remember all that book stuff! Wasn't she already fast enough for their team anyway? Heck, she was faster than most of them! She didn't need no national flying team telling her she wasn't good enough! She was her own mare.

There was a knock on her front door.

Yeah, she didn't need anyone! She'd start her own flying business. Anything to do with speed. Didn't matter what they did, as long as there was flying and speed.

There was another knock on her front door.

"Ugh." Lightning Dust threw the pin across the room and into the trash bin. She pumped her hoof unenthusiastically and deadpanned, "Two points."

There was a third knock on her front door.

Lightning Dust propped herself up from the couch she was laying on and called out, "Door's unlocked, bitch!"

The door opened with a slam, and a pony wearing a business suit accompanied by two bulkier ponies entered her abode. The business pony glanced around before telling the other two, "Alright, just take it all."

As the two moving ponies started moving some of the heavier furniture, Lightning rushed off the couch and tried to stop them from taking anything. "Whoa, whoa! Hey, what're you doing?! That's my stuff!"

The business pony replied for them. "Yes, and it still is. This apartment, however, has rent long overdue. We've sent you several warnings, and you've failed to pay then. We've sent you several eviction notices, and you've failed to comply. You're leaving today."

Lightning Dust looked at him like he just spoke Neighponese. "What? I don't remember any..."

The suited pony pointed to a box by the door with a slot to the outside. It was stuffed and overflowing with red envelopes and white ones with red letters stamped on them.

Lightning sputtered and said, "Aw, c'mon! You don't expect me to actually check my mail, do you?"

The other pony simply replied, "We'll have a storage locker filled with your things. You can retrieve them after you pay the storage fee at our main office."

Defiant rage crossed Lightning's face. "Oh, really?! You're gonna kick me out?! Huh, bitch?! Well, guess what! You can try, 'cuz I ain't going nowhere!" She emphasized her point by sitting on the floor where she stood.

Lightning sat just outside the gated entrance to her apartment complex holding only several letters that weren't from her landlord's office. She turned back and yelled, "You know what? Fine! The building smelled like rat piss!" She almost started off but turned again to add, "And you can keep my shit! It was all boosted anyway!" She looked to her bunch of letters gathered from her mailbox and noticed that some were from her parents. Three months of rent she totally didn't forget to cash-in at the bank along with letters telling her that they supported her dream to join the Wonderbolts. Pfft, she took care of herself. She didn't need no help.

Lightning glanced around at exactly where she ended up in life.

PFFT, THAT TOTALLY MEANT NOTHING. She just needed a little help, is all.

She noticed that one of her parents' letters had a different address from before. Did they move? She opened the letter and started to read it.

Dear Dusty,

Aw, damn. They still call her that.

Just wanted to let you know that we still support you, and hope that one of these days you'll write back with good news.

Ouch. A death threat would've hurt less.

We've also wanted to let you know that we've managed to come into a bit of money after your Great-Aunt Cloudy died.

Ha! Rest in pieces, you old hag.

So if you ever run into any financial troubles, you can contact us.


Also, you may have noticed that we've changed addresses. I'm sure you've heard all about the business with that crystal place popping up out of nowhere up North, right. Well, we're here, and the place is just gorgeous! You really should visit sometime!

You know what? She should! And she will!

Your Loving Parents,

Mom and Dad

Lightning dropped all of the letters and began to race off towards the North... before coming back to pick up the envelope with the new address and rushing off again.

Author's Note:

If you can't guess the character allusions, even if some are only minor bits, then you're missing out on quality television.

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