It's not very hard to hide facts for someone who lives forever; of course, a century or two everyone will still remember them, but with enough planning and organization, those facts could be forgotten and hidden away. But can anything really stay hidden forever? Especially if this particular fact could live as long as you and tell its tale..... if anyone could find it?
First MLP fanfic I'm doing. I hope it won't be too stupid and people will actually read it. If anything, comment, ask and critique! Will add characters in tags as the story progresses.
Chapters (9)
Agreed with 421533 in every word
421533 Thanks for the advice. Without spoiling much, he does has a weakness. It'll be explained later though.
I never really been on ponychan, and visiting it right now, kinda hard to navigate around.
I originally wanted to stop the chapter at Twilight's realization, but it felt a bit short, so I decided to end it on a more calming note, and not a cliffhanger. Enjoy.
497303 good thing
also why does Twilight don't thought about it being an alicorn?
So far, so good. I'm looking forward to watching the plot unfold.
501452 All in due time. Twilight is a smart girl, but she might need to chew through the overwhelming information first.
502159 Thank you, hope you enjoy.
new chapter when?
503498 Right when it's finished and checked for any mistakes. If asking for a specific date, don't exactly have one. Sorry.
503518 no I mean like as in weeks or months
503548 Oh! Well, a couple of days if I'm feeling inspired, a week or(maybe) two if not.
Sorry for the long update wait, was kinda holding it off. It also took a while because I'm writing a second story due to an activity thing, more details on that when it's posted up. So yea, next chapter might take a while as well, because I'm slow like that. And own an attention span of a goldfish. Anyway, enjoy! Comments are appreciated!
just happy its up dude
562181 Thanks, hope you're enjoying it.
yep its really interesting
Nice. It was worth the wait. I am looking forward to the next chapter and your other story.
563296 Thanks. Hope I won't disappoint. Also, still waiting on your own story to update.
i40.tinypic.com/bjbmvs.png Hello everypony! Stalin and the crew are there, bringign yet another installation of Stalinview!
i40.tinypic.com/bjbmvs.png Today we are looking at pictureless story of avatarless autor. It feels kinda sad...
i39.tinypic.com/35bxab6.png I've seen many autors without avatars. Maybe it has something to do with site itself?
i47.tinypic.com/jpu82f.png
i40.tinypic.com/bjbmvs.png Anyway, let's dig into "Prisoner"!
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"which race was in controll"
i40.tinypic.com/30rwjmo.png Word "control" has one "l"
"The pegasus lot were less into fashion"
i40.tinypic.com/bjbmvs.png oh, god. So much typos here... Go on, PD
i40.tinypic.com/30rwjmo.png On it!
1) PegasUS? One? Multiple pegasus are called "pegasi"
2) What the hay is with word plaement? Are you Yoda?
Correct version of this sentence should be:
"Pegasi were a lot less into fashion and were wearing more everyday clothes for work."
i40.tinypic.com/bjbmvs.png Althou i recommend to rework it to eradicate clone word (were)
i40.tinypic.com/bjbmvs.png Also, "races" is not the best choice of words here. Maybe "Tribes" should be more appropriate?
"There was also the occasional pair of guards patrolling to keep the peace in town"
i40.tinypic.com/bjbmvs.png Again, not best choice of words. Maybe "ocassional guard patrolS" shall be more appropriate>
"wearing the royal armor that consisted of a golden helmet, a golden suit of armor that was open towards the legs and of 4 golden shoes"
i40.tinypic.com/30rwjmo.png Man, you really need an editor. No offense.
a) Armor that consisted of armor?
b) "Golden shoes"? Shoes are for girly princesses, warriors are wearing grieves!
"already for atleast a minute"
i40.tinypic.com/bjbmvs.png At least. Not "atleast"
"The now ball of light grew"
i40.tinypic.com/30rwjmo.png The now? What?
"It seemed to be uncouncious"
i40.tinypic.com/30rwjmo.png It..? IT..? IT?!?!?!
i40.tinypic.com/bjbmvs.png Calm down!
i40.tinypic.com/30rwjmo.png I CANT! He called a pony "IT"! And second time! First time i could buy it since unicorn called earth pony like this, but NOW?!
" It looked back at it's wings"
i40.tinypic.com/30rwjmo.png ALICORN! IS! NOT! IT!!!!
"So you do talk...."
i40.tinypic.com/bjbmvs.png Speak. Word "talk" has a little different meaning.
"It is imposible for any other alicorn to exist"
i40.tinypic.com/30rwjmo.png Poor Cadence. She's been forgotten again.
i40.tinypic.com/bjbmvs.png Guess she's not exst in this alternate universe.
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"happyness"
i40.tinypic.com/bjbmvs.png Charcked on this one. Seriously. "Happiness"
i39.tinypic.com/35bxab6.png So... Celestia remembered about new alicorn once in four years? Good grief, Celly.
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"Ponyville is such a lively place, princess! I really hope you could visit it sometime"
i39.tinypic.com/35bxab6.png Twilight. Do you have amnesia? Celestia ALREADY visited ponyville at least several times during the show, the best example would be "Swarm of the century"
"Bookshelf next to bookshelf formed long lines into the darkly lit room of the library"
i40.tinypic.com/30rwjmo.png Ahh, what a sweet example of clone words!
i39.tinypic.com/35bxab6.png It feels a little clumsy...
"surpriced"
i40.tinypic.com/bjbmvs.png "SurpriSed"
"To the unicorn's surprice"
i40.tinypic.com/bjbmvs.png AGAIN
"To her surprice,"
i43.tinypic.com/14ux72x.png
"I didn't notice princess Luna at the Gala..."
i40.tinypic.com/bjbmvs.png So did we all.
i40.tinypic.com/bjbmvs.png Okay, team. Time to flash-forward!
*WHOOSH!*
OVERVIEW:
i40.tinypic.com/bjbmvs.png Well, this one is a promising story. But first, let us talk about prologue a bit.
i40.tinypic.com/bjbmvs.png FIX IT! Prologue has abnormal number of typos and structural errors, while rest chapters lack of. And prologue gives first impression to the reder. So if reader sees prologue like that, reader can drop the story, thinking that rest of the story shall have a lot of typos too.
i40.tinypic.com/bjbmvs.png As for a story itself, it is very interesting one. It has a lot of potential, even concidering overused "human" tag. Some scenes are did great ("This pony lives?!" for example), while others are ok.
i39.tinypic.com/35bxab6.png This story is defenetely worth continueing, BUT you need an editor and proofreader. AND you need to fix prologue.
VERDICT: promising story, but need more work on editing.
567205 Oh wow, I knew I had some mistakes there, but that many? I definatly need to edit it.
Thank you for the help and review! I definatly had fun reading it and, at the same time, see my own errors. Thanks again and good day to you! mmo-champion.com/customavatars/avatar577198_1.gif
I actually almost lost 1/3 of this chapter, just because I was sleepy and retarded. Good thing I had the final version saved on another file. Also, the facehoof moment? I kinda headdesked, because that's my own realization kicking in there. Ah well, decided to leave it in. Just pretend she was very nervous and forgot, everyone. Ok? Ok.
Enjoy! Comments are appreciated, as always.
cant wait for the next chapter
What was that you told me about cliff hangers? Lol. Starving for the next chapter. I need to know more about this guy.
593014 I'm glad you're enjoying the story, hopefully I'll get the next chapter done sooner.
594480 Ey!
Ey.
I almost lost a part of the fic and I was sleepy as all hell. I simply didn't feel like continuing.
Bam, record time.
Anyway, the reason this is out so early is, well, it's all talking. The hardest part for me is trying to predict how Twilight would act in a situation like this, so hopefully she came across as at least 'decent'. Also, it is a lot longer then I expected it to be. Huh. Oh well, hope it'll be a good read then.
So yea, I'm feeling pretty good. Edited my cousin's chapter and he posted it, and managed to finish my own and post it up. Pretty good indeed.
Enjoy! Comments are always appreciated.
I was surprised to find this chap up so quickly. It's good though. Dude is totally throwing out the doesn't give a crap vibes. lol. I wonder what is going to make him react.
Here's the next chapter of the fic. Not much I can say about it. I'm just noticing a pattern where I always submit a new chapter past midnight my time. Oh, and I love to write Luna whenever she talks.
Enjoy! Comments are always appreciated.
ah shes a young fire mage eh? So Twilight is going to learn fire magic and Celestia is going to find out and get mad or is Terror going to teach her some fire magic? Cant wait for the next chapter
637642 Can't reveal anything just yet, so we'll just have to wait for what happens next when I feel less lazy and write the next part.
Glad you're enjoying the fic.
Elemental Savant. Fun times. I agree with Deathpony, Celestia is gonna troll so hard. I want to see if she can get a grip on her budding powers. Should be cool....er...um...hot!