Nearly two thousand years before the founding of Equestria, the mortal races of the ancient kingdoms rose up against the Alicorn Imperium that had ruled over them, treating them as little more than slaves for millennia. One by one the alicorns of the Imperium were hunted down. Most were executed for their crimes against those they considered 'lesser' ponies. But a few of the most powerful were imprisoned for all time. They should have killed them all.
After nearly three thousand years imprisoned, one of them has broken the bonds of her prison. Now she seeks to reestablish the dominance of the alicorn race, and overthrow the disgraceful excuses for alicorns that are currently in power.
Chapters (11)
"Finale". But this should be an interesting tale.
I will admit I thought Twilight got taken over like with Midnight, but I don't know if that's entirely true. I also fervently hope Achlys won't figure her experiment out and make it work for her.
Celly still shouldn't have run off like that, though.
But, now for some corrections to errors I saw:
Needs to be a period after "Timidly". Alternatively, "Timidly" can be put at the end, but then the sentence doesn't look right (even if it is a complete sentence) and would most likely have to be added to the next one with a comma and a conjunction.
Firstly, there should be a comma after "Crusader".
Secondly, I personally think that, with the above correction, "but" should be "Yet". But that's my personal opinion.
Third, the semicolon at the end should be a period.
Colon should be a semicolon.
Semicolons usually separate two sentences that are more or less complete but don't really work when separated by a period (or something like that). In this case, you're looking to draw attention to a single fact (or a list of facts, though that doesn't apply here), so a colon is the proper punctuation.
This kind of aside would be separated by two hyphens (--, which would normally be meshed into one long mark whose name I cannot recall by default on Word)
Semicolon should be a comma.
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Thanks again for pointing out corrections.
As for what happened to Twilight, the next chapter will answer a lot of those questions.
Oh boy, Celestia is in deep trouble. I really hope she gets out...
Please more and fast
OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED TWILIGHT! YOU BASTARD!
...Okay, overused South Park reference aside, I do honestly hope you didn't. Not that actually killing her and having everyone have to deal with the aftermath of Achlys being defeated but not getting Twi back wouldn't make a good story (it would), but I just really don't want her to have died.
Even so, GO SWEETIE BELLE! I just wonder why Deimos didn't reveal Sweetie...
also, small edit or two.
peeking. Peaking refers to topping off, like the peak of a mountain. Peeking refers to looking around corners in a hopefully serruptitious manner, or attempting to get a quick look at something.
When you have two paragraphs of the same person/pony talking, the first paragraph isn't closed off with a quote to help indicate that the speaker hasn't stopped. Personally, though, I think you ought to make these two paragraphs one whole one and put something like "Achlys smiled in amusement" in between, though just meshing the two together works just as well.
*Sigh*........This is not good. Things are going to get worse if Celestia doesn't get free soon.
quiet.
fillies.
I feel like the comma after "imagine" is unnecessary
...yknow, Cake Theory actually sounds like an actual class.
Meanie. Understandable since the plural is "meanies", but the plural is just the singular with an "s" at the end.
Very obvious.
known.
And...well, let's just say I don't think everything you've said matches with what's been shown so far. But I could be wrong, so.
"Good ta hear!"
Sweetie got a magic boost!
If you don't bring Twilight back I will magically transform into a giant with a giant modified plasma rifle that can destroy planets and put it up to your head and FORCE you to make a chapter and bring Twilight back.
so if there are others sealed away will they be free?
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Not in this fic...
The next chapter will reveal a bit more about Achlys and the Imperium. Including why Deimos was imprisoned with her and not just slain. (Edit: Actually moved the part about why Deimos was imprisoned to the epilogue.)
Now Achlys got me mad!
Deimos/Spike, you were already wasting your breath. Celestia, at the very least, wouldn't abandon Equestria unless Achlys completely razed every square inch of it and completely tore down all the floating cities. Oh, and killed every single pony who aren't the Elements of Harmony or their direct siblings/relatives.
needs a comma after "winced"
Quiet.
Probably needs a comma after "asked".
Like above, should be a comma after "agreed"
every.
There wasn't really much need to talk about that, since their entire plan was "reach Achlys in the throne room, surprise her with the Amplifies, and hope to high Faust (or w/e benevolent higher power Celestia chooses) that it's enough".
Though, it seems that Achlys doesn't know that Deimos cut the spell instead of Celestia...
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As usual, thanks for pointing out those corrections. I already went through and fixed them. And no, Achlys doesn't know it was Deimos that broke Celestia out of the spell, though she is pretty certain that Celestia didn't do it on her own.
and, careful of her wounds
Needs a comma after "Celestia"
and what.
Semicolon instead of a comma. coooould use a period, but that just looks weird to me.
Oh Luna, you magnificent troll you.
Comma between :lithe" and "almost"
Put "as well" at the end of the sentence.
comma after "grinned"
Comma after "well"
:eyeroll:
Handsome, not hansom. That "d" isn't silent, yknow.
most of the shelves
"riding Twilight around" just looks weird to me. I'd say use "I do miss riding around on Twilight's back".
comma before "confused"
comma after "them"
comma after "asked"
Twilight grimaced as she thought of a few spells she'd remembered were meant to do
Unfortunately, your bond
Comma before "Worried"
comma before "leaving"
Probably should be a period instead of a comma.
"Twlight, listen to your mother," Night Light interrupted, smiling as he said it. He then joined the rest of the family
Also, Blue Mage is a true Blue Mage. Calling it even if I'm obviously wrong.
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Well I guess that's what I get for doing my editing pass on my lunch break at work. Thanks again for pointing out those errors.
I don't know of a canon character named Blue Mage, so no, that's not who it is.
No, not Blue Mage as a canon character, I mean the FF job Blue Mage.
Also, when you say this was your spectulation on what was in the box, were you saying that it was literally Twilight herself in there, or the power necessary to revive Twilight as a completely separate being from Achlys with the latter's power and knowledge due to the mixing and such?
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Mainly the power to revive Twilight. The whole idea of Twilight being a part of Achlys actually came later. The starting idea was that Twilight would die somehow early in the story, then the box would contain the power to bring her back.
Sooooo basically there's no credible way for the mane cast + Celestia - Twilight to defeat Achlys, gotcha.
"We were completely useless"
Except to show that the big bad evil was too strong for the weak worthless mortals to handle. Seriously, not even the necklaces played any big part.
Hooooooo boy are they doomed come Tireks return.
That sucker punch from Luna! She was like: Fool! You've activated my trap card!
For some strange reason, Achlys (how do you pronounce that?) is like my favorite character in the story. (Not becuase she is technically Twilight.)
Shes just awesome, and her sense of humor is amusing.
Oh f
k
Let me guess: it's the alicorn amulet? Also, OH F
K!!!
And let me guess: Achlys isn't dead yet and she's going to free the other imprisoned alicorns. Or they're going to escape by themselves.
Where is the sequel to this thing?
Well... Things aren't getting worse right now...
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Well, even if she were still alive, there's no way she would free the other alicorns. She's very proud of being an alicorn; in fact, she's so proud that she sees any alicorn that doesn't dedicate their lives to mastering their powers as an alicorn and living up to their full potential, as a disgrace. Which basically includes every other member of the Alicorn Imperium as well as pretty much every alicorn alive, save one.
As for the sequel, it's in the works and I've got about 4 chapters written, but I wanted to be a bit further along before I started posting it. In addition there's also a prequel planned that I've just got the summary for right now. That one will be focused on Achlys and her role in the purge. I'm planning a little different style of storytelling for that one, since it will have to cover multiple decades.
7385124 So her ego is so inflated that stops just shy of a god complex? Also, how many chapters are you planning to make before uploading the story?
Well, it was good, I have to say it...
If the main OCs in this story and the sequel were voiced, what would they sound like?
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That's always hard to describe. Most the time it's easiest to compare them to a well known celebrity. Unfortunately I am horrible at remembering celebrity's names... I just remember the characters.
In this story, there's just Achlys and Diemos really and Diemos is really just an older Spike. But that would still make quite a difference in his voice, being an adult. It would be far deeper with only hints of his younger voice.
As for Achlys, I actually always imagined her sounding a lot like Tempest Shadow did, though this was well before the movie. The arrogance she showed, along with hints of amusement at her enemies failings were very close to how I imagined Achlys.
In Blue Mage I added Vele'Rekaj and Captain Feather. For Captain Feather, I haven't really thought about it much, She's a relatively new character and one that's going to have multiple incarnations in different stories going forward. Thinking about it; she'd sound a lot like Riza Hawkeye from the Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood series. (The English dub, I don't do subtitles...)
As for Rekaj; sticking with Fullmetal, he'd sound a lot like Roy Mustang, but with a bit more playful of an attitude.
Okay, I'm wondering how Harmony, through the Elements, did not sense Achlys within Twilight.
i would have hoped you would not have killed twilight, knowing that twilight still lived and was the very same person as Achly. i feel would have been the worst torcher ever for celestia. she know Achly must die in order to save the kingdom, however, she had to kill twilight the innocent pony that did so much great in the world, and was also like a daughter to her. tbh i feel there is not a worse form of torcher in the world anyone could ever inflict that would be worse than that...
Great story
That's because I suspect Deimos remembers being Spike and is currently a double agent.
I did not see that coming! What a twist indeed.
You should stop with these great plot twists before you break a hip...or don't as they are great!
Well that was a very nice story.
Harmony 15:13
13Greater Love hath no mare than this: that she would lay down her life for her friends.
Great story! I just recently came across the new one yesterday. I got some catching up to do😁
A wonderful read from start to finish.
I really thought Twilight was lost until... yeah, no spoilers. Lol
I thought she might be pretending, with only leaving shallow wounds, but after the whole thing about torturing her, I wasn’t quite sure, cut to when you specifically didn’t say the name or description of the alicorn she stabbed, I was almost completely certain
Wow