• Member Since 24th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen February 13th

Zillafire101


"KONO ZILLAFIRE DA! WRRRRYYYYY!"

T

Makuta Teridax, The Master of Fear, Destroyer of armies, and ruler of a universe. When left unchecked, he called forth genocide, then turned said forces against his brother. But, is it mere coincidence that Teridax shares features in common with the feared Nightmare Moon, or is something darker at work....

My first hand at a story. I tried.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 8 )

Well, there are a few obvious problems to start out with;
First, numbers. When you're writing dialogue it's always preferable to use words instead of numerals for numbers. For example;

He watched the 2 continue their battle, enjoying the small break he had from plotting his take-over the of the Matoran universe.
What caught his attention was Celestia now had summoned the six elements of harmony to her side.
"Oh, we have ourselves a little Toa! All 6 members in one!" He said with a chuckle.

looks better like:

He watched the two continue their battle, enjoying the small break he had from plotting his takeover of the Matoran universe.
What caught his attention was Celestia now had summoned the six elements of harmony to her side.
"Oh, we have ourselves a little Toa! All six members in one!" He said with a chuckle.

Second, motivations. While we saw some of Luna's anger for being shunned in the show, it'd be better if you showed that emotion here. As is, we have Luna, someone who just defeated Sombra alongside her sister, meeting Makuta, being rightfully terrified and suspicious and then... with no cause for change, with very little convincing, immediately contemplating and then agreeing to betray her sister. You didn't show any kind of stress or emotional hardship Luna was going through that might make her contemplate rebellion, and we don't see Celestia being tyrannical or promoting anarchy, so Luna's turn seems unbelievable, she was being rational at the start, but once Makuta offered to help her take the throne, she agreed immediately, the only problem she mentioned being whether or not she could trust Makuta. It just isn't a believable turn to darkness, without any setup.
On the other side, and this is something you could easily fix in future chapters, and probably will, is Makuta's lack of motivation. He doesn't have a reason for being here, he offers to "help" Luna inexplicably with something she'd never do, and has shown he doesn't care about anything that was happening.

That being said, of course, this is a good stepping stone. You have a good vocabulary, your paragraphs look good, there's not that many typos, and while the actions are out of character, I can imagine the Makuta from the movies saying this. I'll keep reading, but I'm hoping for more explanations and fleshing out the characters later on.

Interesting premise I gotta say. This is already holding my attention better than that other fic with Makuta involved. Hell, you even used nearly the same cover art. Just an observation.

I would recommend scanning through for spelling and grammatical errors, as I did find a few, most notably two instances where you used periods instead of question marks.

interesting idea, All I can say never just numbers for anything but dates.

Must. Have. More.

9094407
Well, I'm glade you liked it, but I planned on this being a one shot. I have to admit, I kinda cringe a bit at some of my decisions for this story, but I still view it as needed on my journey as a writer.

9099028
Oh okay, I don’t care about the decisions you made (I’m laid back on such things) even though you do, still would like to have more of it though.

9099393
Well, I have been thinking of actually having another story putting both in the same universe. After my other story is finished, I might pop that bad boy out.

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