In the belly of Macintosh

Special Thanks to http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Alticron for the great editing.

Big Macintosh is worried for Applejack's health. He believes she's working way to hard and she wants her to take the day "off." But she is too stubbern to listion so Big Macintosh takes matters into his own hooves and creates a plane involving 'Posion Joke.'

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Comments ( 24 )

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That_guy_over_there

That_guy_over_there #1 · Jun 17th, 2014 · 1 · ·

Great job!

ShrunkenBro

ShrunkenBro #2 · Jun 23rd, 2014 · · ·

4558346 thank you

McProky

McProky #3 · Jun 23rd, 2014 · · ·

Story itself isn't that bad, but you really need to edit it a lot. There are almost no dots. Sentences are just too long. It makes it really hard to read it properly.

Alticron

Alticron #4 · Jun 23rd, 2014 · 1 · ·

I rarely say this, but I found some things you may want to edit in the story's description.

Big Macintosh is worried for Applejack's health he believes she's working way to hard and she wants her to take the day off but she is to stubbern to listion so Big Macintosh takes matters into his own hooves and creates a plane involving 'Posion Joke'

I would recommend putting a period at the end of health and a comma at the end of "off". The other things I think you should edit are all spelling errors, such as "too stubborn", "listen", "plan" and "Poison". I hope this is helpful.

ShrunkenBro

ShrunkenBro #5 · Jun 28th, 2014 · · ·

4587528 sorry

Marc Moses

Marc Moses #6 · Jun 30th, 2014 · · ·

You should do a story about Luna

ShrunkenBro

ShrunkenBro #7 · Jun 30th, 2014 · · ·

4619391 I plan and hope too

panzerbrony

panzerbrony #8 · Jun 30th, 2014 · · ·

good work

ShrunkenBro

ShrunkenBro #9 · Jun 30th, 2014 · · ·

4621140 Thank you and remember to thank http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Alticro for editing it

BleedingRaindrops

BleedingRaindrops #10 · Jul 2nd, 2014 · 2 · ·

Okay, let's get the easiest part out of the way first. Your story needs some serious editing before I can consider it good. But I'm not here to insult you; I'm here to help you.

To start with, don't use a weather report opening. That's lazy, and as a writer you ought to be more creative than that. More to the point, it adds absolutely nothing to the scene. If you were to completely remove the first two sentences, the story would be no worse off, and in fact would probably be better.

Next, formatting. Don't have everything in one giant wall of text. That's difficult to read, and will discourage a lot of readers from getting past the first few lines. New speaker? New paragraph.
A good rule of thumb when not in dialogue is no more than six lines to a paragraph, until you grasp a better understanding of a good length for a paragraph to be.

Third, characterization. Big Mac talks too much here. In the show, he hardly said a word other than “Eeyup” and “Nnope”. Applejack is behaving too much like a filly, and she should certainly know how to cook. It is very out of character for her to be so worried about burnt toast.

Showing vs Telling. Stop spoonfeeding the emotions to your reader.
Applejack dropped her head in her own disappointment,
Remove the last four words of this sentence, and it carries a much heavier impact. The best way to convey emotion is to lead your reader to it, but not name it.
Notice the difference between “Rainbow Dash backed up until she was against the wall, where Applejack's hooves rested on either side of her head. Sweat began dripping from her forehead and her eyes scanned the room as she tried desperately to look anywhere but the glistening lips of the mare mere inches from her face” and “Rainbow Dash was too embarrassed to admit she really wanted to kiss Applejack.”

By not directly telling your reader what the character is thinking or feeling, you allow them to empathize with the character, which adds a lot of impact to the emotion. Mostly, stop explaining things to your reader, and just tell the story.

And lastly, Punctuation. Your story is rampant with obvious punctuation errors which could be easily fixed if dropped into a word processor.

In short, you have much work to do.

Flowey