• Published 10th Jun 2014
  • 6,901 Views, 511 Comments

The Unbearable Lightness of Being Sweetie Belle - Distaff Pope



It's Sweetie Belle's first day at Equestria's newest academy, and she plans on making it the best year ever. However enemies old and new emerge, while Sweetie struggles with the fear that her old friends are pulling away from her.

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13. Snowblind

I squirmed and stared up at the ceiling, but the only thing I saw was the look of pain on Dazzler’s face. It was so… I liked it. I liked hurting her back after she was so terrible to me. She deserved it. She did. But… Good ponies didn’t like hurting ponies. I was a good pony. But I liked hurting Dazzler. But good ponies didn’t like hurting ponies. My head was filled with knives that cut at every thought.

I am a good pony. I smiled and repeated the thought to myself. I am a good pony. I am a good pony. I am a good pony. I am… I kept repeating the thought to myself. Happy Silly Filly Sweetie was a good pony, that’s why everypony liked her. If she wasn’t, then ponies wouldn’t like her. But what if she liked hurting other ponies?

The two thoughts couldn’t line up, no matter how hard I tried to force them. Happy Silly Filly Sweetie is a good pony, and I have to be Happy Silly Filly Sweetie, but I liked hurting Dazzler… and Apple Bloom. I was a bad pony.

I couldn’t just not be bad though, I liked hurting her. I wanted to do it again. To punish her for not liking me. Maybe if I punished her enough for not liking me, she’d start liking me eventually? Maybe… I was being mean to her for her own good? That kind of made sense. I wasn’t a bad pony, I just did a bad thing to a pony to punish her for not liking me. It was really her own fault I was mean to her. Happy Silly Filly Sweetie was still a good pony, I just… happened to like doing mean things to ponies who deserved it.

… Like Apple Bloom deserved it. I shook my head. They all deserved it. If they were going to leave me, they deserved it. They couldn’t leave me, not after everything I’d done for them. I’d sacrificed so much for them to be happy, and if they didn’t care… They had to care. They were my friends.

“Sweetie Belle,” my sister said, knocking on my door. “May I come in?”

“Of course,” I said, a smile forming on my face as my sister magically opened the door. “What’s up, sis?” I rolled off of bed to greet her, a great big smile on my face.

“Well, you seem awfully chipper for being grounded,” she said, frowning and taking a seat next to my bed.

My smile faltered for a second. “Well… why wouldn’t I be chipper? That’s a good thing, right?”

“You know, Sweetie, the whole point of being grounded is to punish you. If you’re just going to smile and act like everything’s fine, I might have to rethink my punishment.” That totally wasn’t fair. She was… I’d already been punished and the only reason I was so happy was because that’s what she wanted me to be. She was going to punish me for that? I groaned.

“That’s a bit more what I expected,” Rarity said, smiling teasingly. “Now, Sweetie, since you’ve been such a good filly these past few days, I thought you’d appreciate coming down so we could celebrate the holidays together.”

It was already Hearth’s Warming? But I’d only been in my room for… “What happened to the Winter Moon Celebration?”

“We had it, it was lovely. Miss Octavia and I thoroughly enjoyed ourselves at the orchestra’s concert,” Rarity said. “And I told you all this several days ago. Should we take you to the doctor’s?”

That… did ring a few bells. I think maybe I was arguing with myself or fantasizing about being Happy Silly Filly Sweetie with my marefriends. Thankfully, I hadn’t spent too much time arguing with myself about what to do with Dazzler over the last few days. I just had to bury those thoughts like I did with all the other bad thoughts and I’d be fine. Why couldn’t I bury them so easily? Why did they keep rising back up?

I shook my head. Couldn’t think about it. Had to think about something else. Had to think about Rarity instead. “No, I’m fine,” I said, realizing I’d spent far too long thinking after she’d asked her question.

Rarity nodded. “Uh-huh. And if you do need help, I trust you’ll let me know?” She raised an eyebrow at that last part. What? Didn’t she trust me?

“Of course,” I said, smiling and giving her a tight hug. “I… I know I haven’t been the most fun filly in the world lately, but I’m really sorry for lying to you.”

“You know,” Rarity said, a frown creasing her lips. “You’ve apologized to me every time we’ve spoken; I’m starting to suspect your sincerity.”

“What? Why?” I asked, pulling away from her, my smile breaking for a second. I’d been super nice to her lately, and now she was… Was I not good enough?

She smiled and patted my back. “I’ve spent enough time dealing with the Canterlot nobility to recognize a false mask when I see it, and the mask you’ve been wearing makes for a rather twisted mockery of your real face.”

No it isn’t. No, my real face, it’s… not a smiley-happy face. It’s not a face Silly Filly Sweetie should wear. It’s not… “I just want to be happy!” I yelled, surprising the both of us.

Rarity sighed and stroked my mane. “We all want to be happy, Sweetie. There’s nothing wrong with that. The problem arises when you mutilate yourself in your pursuit and consider your own happiness to be the greatest possible pursuit.”

“I don’t… I don’t do that,” I mumbled, staring at the floor. I didn’t. My happiness wasn’t my greatest pursuit, it was just… Okay, I loved being happy, and it was so great not to care about anything, but it was so hard to get there. At least, it was without alcohol. I needed a drink, that was why I was feeling so weird.

“Sweetie, it’s obvious to everypony you haven’t been yourself the past few weeks, and this obsession with happiness… Something tells me that’s at the root of the problem.” Did she just say she didn’t want me to be happy? Was that? Why wouldn’t she want me to be happy? I wanted her to be happy. I loved her, and if she… if she didn’t care about me. The knives in my stomach bloomed and launched out of my mouth.

“And why don’t you want me to be happy?” I asked, pulling away and glaring at her. “I thought you were a good big sister.”

Rarity just took a deep breath. “I do want you to be happy, Sweetie, but tell me, have you been much happier these last few weeks than you were before?”

I frowned. That… I was happy. I was always happy. If I wasn’t, I wasn’t Sweetie. But – an ember of anger ignited in my stomach – I was twisting myself into everything my friends wanted me to be, and did they even care? No! They were mad at me for being what they wanted me to be. I love them, and they don’t even care.

Only one solution, I had to be even Sweetie-er.

“I’m so sorry,” I said, making sure not to break my smile as I hugged her. “I’ve just… I’ve been getting so angry lately, and I can’t really control it. It just bursts out of me and then I feel terrible, and… Please forgive me?”

“Of course,” Rarity said, patting me on the back. “We were all teenagers at some point, and I’m sure every mare living has a list of things she regrets about her youth. Hormones drive us all crazy at your age.”

“Really?” I asked, looking up at her. “Tell me what you did?”

There was a pause as Rarity looked from me to the door several times. “If I tell you, can you promise it will never leave this room?”

I nodded my head. She was my big sister, I wasn’t about to reveal her secrets to anypony. Unless she betrayed me… or unless I could get something fun for it.

“When I was your age…” Rarity sighed and shook her head. “This isn’t a particularly pleasant topic for me to dwell on, but I believe the roots of our teenage vices lie deep in our family tree, do you understand?” I nodded at her. I didn’t actually understand, but I didn’t want to look like an idiot. I didn’t want her to laugh at me.

“Good, now then, when I was your age, I suppose I underwent a blossoming similar to the one you’re undergoing now. I had always dreamed of being popular, but then one day, I found I’d caught the eye of almost every colt in the school, and a large percentage of the mares. Their attention, their adoration, it was unlike anything I’d experienced up until that point, and I soon surrounded myself with a swarm of eager suitors.” She stopped and looked directly at me, her ice blue eyes pricking something inside me.

“Don’t confuse affection with friendship, or adoration with love. Affection and adoration might offer a quick rush of ecstasy, but they fade all too quickly. Only love and friendship can sustain a soul, Sweetie.”

“So… what did you do?” I asked, looking up at my sister, eyes wide. She promised me fun stories, not boring morality stuff. Besides, if you got enough adoration and affection, then the rush would never fade, right? Also… I already had love and friendship. I loved my friends so much, I was willing to be exactly who they wanted me to be. It would be nice if they loved me enough to appreciate that, though.

Rarity tsked. “Do I really have to spell such a thing out for you, Sweetie? I… I suppose the polite way of saying it would be that I ‘slept around.’ I wasn’t a herder, like you are, I just had a rapid succession of dates, and as soon as the rush of falling in love wore off, I replaced my current suitor with a new paramour.”

Right, sex stuff. I hadn’t done that yet, but… why hadn’t I? It sounded fun, and if Rarity really liked it, why wouldn’t I? I had the three most gorgeous mares in Equestria, so… why didn’t I do it? Maybe it would become one of my new favorite things, like kissing or those fantasy sessions I’d spent the last few days imagining. Ooh! Or drinking. How could I forget drinking? I imagined having my three marefriends over at Diamond Tiara’s, getting out the alcohol, and then, Melody’s lips were pressed against my...

My sister’s disapproving cough brought me back to the real world. Right, she was here, so no fantasizing or feeling so flushed. That wasn’t something Happy Silly Filly Sweetie would do. “So… was it fun?” I asked, making sure my smile was flipped on.

“Yes, it wa–” My sister stammered and her cheeks went red. So sex stuff was apparently embarrasingly fun. Fun enough she didn’t even want to mention to me how fun it was. “That’s not the point,” she said, regaining her composure. “My point is that such choices ultimately led to a profound feeling of emptiness, and eventually, I realized that the mare I saw in the mirrors wasn’t the pony I wanted to be.”

“So… you stopped doing it when it stopped being fun?” I asked, tilting my head and listening to her like she’d just revealed the big secret of the universe.

She shook her head. “No, Sweetie, I stopped when I realized I wanted more from life than empty meaningless pleasure. I stopped when I realized that despite all my ‘companions’ I was as lonely as I ever was…” She trailed off and looked out the window, a tear forming in her eyes. Why did she have to cry? That wasn’t happy. Crying wasn’t something Happy Silly Filly Sweetie would do.

But I used to, a small pathetic voice whispered from somewhere. Why did my chest suddenly hurt so much? Smile harder.

“Sweetie, are you alright?” my sister asked, turning from the window to me. “That smile… It looks absolutely ghastly, like it’s trying to split your face in two.”

“Nope! Absolutely fine,” I said, modifying the smile to make it fit better. Smaller, but just as bright and cheerful as the light on top of the Equestria State Building. Being happy all the time was hard work.

She sighed and got up on her hooves. “Just be warned, Sweetie, this fleeting fun of yours can leave behind something that will be with you for the rest of your days. As you have been so keen to remind me, you’re an adult now, and that means some mistakes can follow you around forever.”

“Like what?” I asked, feeling a panic grip my heart.

“Guilt, shame, a reputation that you’ll never be able to shake... the feeling that, no matter what, you’ll never be clean or good again... I can go on, but…” she looked at me and saw the fear buried behind my smile. “Something tells me, I finally gave you something to think about.”

Before I could say anything, she’d trotted out of my room and shut the door, leaving me alone. I replayed her words in my head, trying to figure out what she’d done wrong. She had to have done something wrong. If she hadn’t, why would she ever have traded in a lot of fun for a little fun? Maybe… she didn’t have enough fun? She mentioned feeling empty, so maybe it was like that dip in the hills that becomes a pond whenever it rains. It dries out if it doesn’t rain in a while, but as long as it’s raining, it’s fine.

As long as I could keep it raining, I’d be fine. I was going to be absolutely fine. Satisfied with myself, I flopped back on my bed and stared at the ceiling, imagining my next meeting with my marefriends as my whole body got kind of warm and flushed. It was definitely nicer to fantasize about than– It was nice to fantasize about.

***

“Happy Hearth’s Warming, Sweetie,” Rarity said as I quickly threw my blanket over myself. She couldn’t just barge in here without knocking, even if it was…

“It’s Hearth’s Warming?” I squeaked, bouncing out of bed as a wave of giddiness washed over me. That meant it was time for the big Hearth’s Warming Pageant in town square (not to be confused with the Hearth’s Warming Eve play that played last night). Oh, and presents. Lots and lots and lots of presents. “Did Santa Hooves get me anything?”

Rarity smiled at me. “Well, when he told me what a good filly you’d been these past few weeks, I decided that… perhaps I could end your punishment a few days early.” Her smile vanished for a second. “Please don’t make me regret my generosity.”

“I won’t,” I said, bouncing up and down in front of her. “I’ll be the best filly ever, I promise. Nopony will be able to say anything bad about me.” Unless they knew I secretly really enjoyed hurting other ponies’ feelings, but I couldn’t think about that. Happy Silly Filly Sweetie wouldn’t do that.

But what if I don’t want to be her?

“Now then,” Rarity said, patting my head and turning to the door. “Shall we see what Santa Hooves left you?”

***

There weren’t any toys or boxes under the tree, instead, there was just an envelope with my name on it. “From Mother and Father,” Rarity said as I floated the envelope towards me.

“That’s it?” I asked, magically opening the envelope. “Like… there’s nothing else?” I only got one single gift? Two, I guess, if you count getting ungrounded early, but still…

“The greatest gifts in life are intangible, Sweetie. We might not be able to see them under a tree, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t just as–” She was cut off by my screaming.

“No way,” I said, waving the ticket around after my screaming finally finished. “An all I can eat pass to Sugarcube Corner. I can have… I can have all the shakes I want for a whole year.”

“And you so desperately need that,” Rarity said, sighing and rolling her eyes. “Try not to use it more than once a week.”

Like that was going to happen. “Sure thing, big sister,” I said, nodding my head at her. Could she just let me be me? Maybe just let me go one day without… I swallowed a growl.

“So…” I said, trying not to frown at my one gift. “Are we going to the big pageant today or…” I loved the Hearth’s Warming Pageant. In one of the coldest darkest days of the year, everypony got together to nurture what warmth we had left. Plus, there was usually a really nice singer to lead us all in the carols.

Rarity smiled at me and trotted towards the door, putting her saddle and scarf on. “I’d never take that from you, Sweetie.”

“Alright,” I said, staring at her. “That’s… We don’t have to leave right now, do we? We’ve still got a few hours left until it starts.” Plus, it was kind of cold out. Definitely not the type of weather I’d want to spend three hours waiting in.

“I’m afraid I must insist,” Rarity said, sighing dramatically. “I promised Pinkie and Twilight I’d help with the set-up, and… the poor dear does need somepony to make sure the decor doesn’t clash.”

“Well…” That was a pretty good point. The Pageant would be about a million times better if Rarity did the decorating, but… “Since I’m not grounded anymore, do you think maybe I can just stay here until later? You know, maybe you and Applejack could–”

“First, Applejack isn’t here right now, you know that. Second, we haven’t quite reached the point where I feel comfortable leaving you alone in the house for several hours.” Rarity floated a scarf and saddle vest out of the closet. “Now, hurry up, I don’t want to be late.”

“Fine,” I said, slipping into my saddle and wrapping the scarf around my neck. “It’s just… It’s my first day being ungrounded, and I don’t want to spend it all just watching you decorate stuff.”

Rarity laughed and opened the door. “Try to look on the bright side, Sweetie, maybe you’ll make a new friend out there. Besides, I thought you liked going out.”

Ugh, she was right, Happy Silly Filly Sweetie loved going out and meeting new people, but I just wanted to sit at home and dream. That wasn’t good enough, though. I had to be Happy Silly Filly Sweetie at all times. If I wasn’t… If I wasn’t, my friends would leave me, and I’d be all alone.

But they’re leaving anyways.

“You’re right,” I said, laughing and smiling at Rarity. “But you know… it’s so cold out, I didn’t want to turn into a giant Sweetie-cicle.”

“And that’s why you’re bundling up,” Rarity said, pulling out a pair of earmuffs. “I promise there won’t be a Sweetie-cicle on my watch.” She put a saddlebag on and packed up a couple of blankets. “If you get too cold, let me know, and I’ll give you one of the blankets, just… try not to get them dirty, alright, Sweetie?”

“Sure thing, Rarity,” I said, still smiling – always smiling – at her. Of course, letting it get in snow didn’t count as getting it dirty. Snow was water, you used water to clean things, so if I were to… drop one of the blankets into the snow, I was really just cleaning it, so she definitely shouldn’t get mad at me if that happened.

We walked out of the Boutique, and Rarity made sure to lock the door behind her. I don’t get why, since there wasn’t any crime in Ponyville, and… I don’t know, it just seemed silly, why bother locking the door? Oh well, Rarity did a bunch of weird things. Not that that was bad, she just… I couldn’t understand her sometimes.

“So,” I said, trotting to keep pace with her. “Is there anything I can do, or am I just going to be sitting out in the cold until the party starts?”

Rarity smiled cryptically. “I’m sure you’ll find some way to amuse yourself, Sweetie. If not, I’ll just find a job for you. Maybe you can haul away the empty crates.”

“Very funny,” I said as we made our way through Ponyville’s streets. “You are joking, right?” She had to be, I wasn’t cut out for carrying stuff. I had a hard time running for more than a minute, I definitely couldn’t carry big heavy empty crates. Or… were empty crates that heavy?

“A little,” she said. We turned to Ponyville’s main pavillion, where a stage had been set up for whoever this year’s singer was.

The second we reached the pavillion in front of Twilight’s castle, a pink blur raced from the stage to right in front of me. “Great, you’re here. You know all the songs you’re supposed to sing, right?” Pinkie asked, staring down at me. “All of Hearth’s Warming depends on you leading us in good cheer. If you get it wrong… If you get it wrong, we might as well just cancel the whole thing.”

Meep.

“Ah… haha, Pinkie, I was hoping to tell Sweetie she would be the singer for this afternoon’s festivities myself, but… since the cat’s out of the bag, happy Hearth’s Warming, Sweetie Belle,” Rarity said, stepping between Pinkie and me.

What– I was going to– Me lead Hearth’s Warming pageant? That was– That was– “You’re the best big sister ever,” I said, throwing my hooves around Rarity. “I’m… this is just, the best gift.”

Rarity smiled at me. “I’m glad you appreciate it. I was worried this new Sweetie Belle didn’t possess her old love of Hearth’s Warming carols.” And then she had to ruin it. What did she mean by new me? Happy Silly Filly Sweetie was still Happy Silly Filly Sweetie. She wasn’t any different.

But you’re different.

I shook my head as something buzzed in my ear. Nothing had changed. Silly Filly Sweetie couldn’t change unless she wanted to be abandoned by all her friends. She had to stay exactly the same. It was the only way. Even if my friends couldn’t appreciate that. “Nope,” I said, looking up at my sister. “I’m still the same old Sweetie.”

“Sweetie, we’re never the same pony we were,” Rarity said. What was that supposed to mean? She was still Rarity, Sweetie was still Sweetie, I was still me. I shook my head. I was still Sweetie. I couldn’t change.

“Right,” I said, laughing and pretending I knew what she was talking about before looking past her to Pinkie. “So… I guess you want me to rehearse the songs a few times before the show? Just to make sure I don’t miss any words?”

“That’s amazing,” Pinkie said, jumping over Rarity and landing right in front of me, her eyes wide. “How did you know? Are you psychic? What am I thinking about right now?”

“Uhh… parties? I guess?” I said before Pinkie suddenly burst into a fit of laughter.

“Oh, that was an easy one. What’s Rarity thinking about right now?”

I looked at Rarity and got as close to a frown as I dared, which was really about a half-smile. “That I’m not psychic.”

Rarity just raised an eyebrow. “This conversation is patently absurd, and I’m afraid I have to get to work on the decorations. If the two of you wish to keep playing silly guessing games, I won’t stop you, although I’d hope Sweetie spends a little time rehearsing before the pageant. I pulled no small number of strings for this.”

“Really?” I asked, taking a step towards the stage. Her gift was definitely great and all, but my gut told me that getting me to sing for the Hearth’s Warming pageant wasn’t that hard, especially since my sister had saved the town (and the world) at least a couple of times. Really, she probably could have gotten me to sing for Canterlot if she really wanted to.

If she really cared.

The buzzing I ignored came back. Of course, she cared. She did, even if she didn’t get me a show at Canterlot and instead stuck me to sing in Ponyville. But Ponyville was a growing town, it wasn’t that bad. I mean… I lived here, it was fine, just not Canterlot or Manehattan.

I shook my head. What was wrong with me? Her gift was fine. It was great. Definitely great, not fine, so why was I complaining? Silly Filly Sweetie wouldn’t complain.

“Did you hear me, Sweetie?” Rarity asked.

“Of course,” I said, nodding my head and looking to the stage. “I should probably get practicing though, don’t you think? Don’t want to mess up the pageant, right?”

Rarity called after me. “But Sweetie, what about the–” I didn’t hear the rest as I trotted to the stage and started rehearsing.

***

The world revolved around me on stage like the hub of a wheel, everypony’s attention bent towards me. I sang, they followed along, and for the first time in I’m not sure how long, I felt… Well, I don’t want to say happy because then that would mean I wasn’t happy normally, but it was an easy happiness, the kind of happy I didn’t have to try to be. Up on stage, there wasn’t any Happy Silly Filly Sweetie, there was just me.

For an hour, I got to be me. I mean, I was always me, but… for an hour, I felt peaceful. I think that’s the right word. The bits of me that ground against each other calmed down, and when the concert ended, I hummed the Hearth’s Warming carols to myself as I trotted off stage. Maybe I had been a bit… not so great the past few days. Not bad, but maybe… maybe–

“Well done,” Bright Lights said, stepping out of the shadows behind the makeshift stage. “I knew there was a reason I picked you as lead for the musical.”

“Because I’m such a great singer?” I asked, smiling and tilting my head at her. It was a slow easy smile and the complete opposite of the smile I’d spent the past few weeks wearing. It felt better than that other smile.

“Of course,” she said, returning my smile and managing to hide daggers in it somehow. “That and your enormous capacity for deception… and when need arises, cruelty.” That didn’t sound sweet? Wasn’t she supposed to be sweet and kind?

I laughed, my smile suddenly becoming a lot harder to keep up. “I’m… I don’t have any capacity for deception, and I’m definitely not kind.”

“Cruel,” Bright Lights said, her sharp smile growing. “I think you meant cruel.”

My face twisted into the Silly Filly Sweetie mask. It wasn’t a mask, it was me, but… sometimes I had to make extra sure I was Happy Silly Filly Sweetie. “Silly me,” I said, laughing, “you know how I can be sometimes.”

Her stare didn’t lessen. “I know how hard you struggle to keep that face up.” She trotted towards me and kissed my neck. “I see the occasional slips, the pain and anger of knowing you’ll always be that… caricature to your friends. I see how desperately you delude yourself, how you struggle to convince yourself that you’re nothing more than a silly foal. You know, it’s a tragedy of the highest calibre to waste such potential.”

I shivered, feeling the heat of her breath on my neck. She was– I wanted to– No! I was Silly Filly Sweetie, I had to be, otherwise my friends would leave me. Even if– A flare of anger launched up inside me. I couldn’t think about that. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, still smiling at her.

“You don’t have to play dumb around me, Sweetie, I don’t love the smiling filly mask you wear, I love the beautiful twisted shard of shattered mirror underneath. Never try to hide yourself from me, and I’ll love you forever,” she said, before pressing her lips against mine. They were… They weren’t just warm, they were burning. Kissing Bright Lights was like kissing a fire that leapt inside my throat and heated my whole body up. By the time the kiss ended, I felt flushed all over.

“What did you…” I struggled to get words to work right. “I’m not a broken mirror,” I finally managed to get out.

“Oh?” she asked, trying not to roll her eyes. “Well, I think the descriptor matches you perfectly, and I’m sure if you think it over, you’ll come to agree with me in time.” She gave me a smile and another one of her burning kisses. I swear she gave me a fever with that kiss. “I’ll even give you the time to think on the answer, as I really have to do some planning for the production. Until next time.” She smiled at me and I leaned in for a kiss that never came.

***

The rest of the party passed like a series of pictures, completely removed from context, as I tried to think about Bright Lights’ riddle. How was I like a broken mirror? One minute, I was dancing with Rarity, the next, I was roasting marshmallows, and all I could think about was how I was like a broken mirror.

Well, she said I was beautiful, I thought, dancing in a conga line led by Pinkie. So it’s probably not a complete insult. Maybe. She also said I was twisted, and that word definitely didn’t seem as nice. Discord was twisted.

But he was still my friend. How did I get to sledding down a hill? Luckily, Rarity was steering it, otherwise, we probably would have crashed into a tree or something while I was thinking. She said something as we reached the base of the hill, but I didn’t really hear it.

Was I twisted then? Happy Silly Filly Sweetie wasn’t, but… was I her? I had to be her. If I wasn’t my friends would leave me. But Bright Lights wouldn’t. The fever she’d given me continued to burn through my thoughts and made the whole world around me melt. How was I like a broken mirror?

“Sweetie Belle, I’m really worried about you,” Rarity said. Was she complaining again? Things were fine, I was fine, like a piece of broken mirror. Was that fine? Anyways, she shouldn’t be bugging me about stuff.

“What’s there to worry about?” I asked, looking around at the Boutique. We were back here. Huh, when did that happen?

“It’s been impossible to get more than two words out of you since you performed on stage today, and your response to most prompts has been a rather flat ‘it’s fine.’ You even said eating broccoli for dinner was fine,” Rarity said. Had I really said broccoli was fine? That didn’t sound like me, but… I kind of recalled us talking about dinner and her mentioning broccoli.

“Maybe I’ve been a teensy bit distracted,” I said, using a forehoof to show it was just a smidge of distraction.

“And just what has been distracting you to the point of agreeing to eat broccoli?” my sister asked. How was I like a piece of broken mirror?

“Uhmm… I’ve just been so upset about you leaving me tomorrow,” I said, trying to think of a better answer. “I know you and Miss Octavia are close, but… what if I don’t get along with her? She’s a nice teacher, but not super fun.”

“I suppose her interests and yours don’t overlap much, but you both enjoy music, perhaps you could sing accompaniment while she plays on the cello like you did at your cuteceañara. That was fun, right?” she asked, her worries about me forgotten for the moment.

“I guess,” I mumbled. How was I like a shard of shattered mirror? “I’m probably just being silly. Anyways, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Sweetie, I’m leaving for my trip tomorrow, don’t you want to… if you want to spend time with me before I leave, I’d be amenable to most requests,” Rarity said, eyes wide with shock and concern.

“Sure,” I said, shrugging. “What do you want to do?”

“It’s not about what I want to do, Sweetie. I’d planned for this to be your day. A chance for us to bond,” Rarity said, concern in her eyes.

“We don’t have to do anything,” I said, Bright Lights’s fever crushing my thoughts under its fog. “I don’t… Us doing stuff together doesn’t change our relationship, right? We’re still going to be sisters, no matter what.” And the stuff we do together can’t be as fun as the stuff I can do with my marefriends. Besides, I needed to think and I couldn’t do that with her around.

“Sweetie, you’re crying.”

Huh? My eyes were wet, I guess, but that didn’t mean– “No, I’m not,” I said, rolling my eyes. I was smiling, how could I be crying?

Rarity sighed and hardened her eyes. “This has gone on long enough, Sweetie. I’ve been patient, I’ve held my tongue and hoped you’d tell me what’s bothering you without my prodding, and I’ve hoped your behavior could just be chalked up as another case of teenage moodiness, but it’s very clear something’s hurting you, and I demand you tell me what it is. I can’t see you like this.”

“Then don’t look at me,” I said, my words cutting a gash into her. The jagged edge of a broken mirror scraping across flesh. Of course, she was just like everypony else. She didn’t care about me, she just wanted me to wear the Happy Silly Filly Sweetie mask all the time. Did that make Bright Lights right? Did I just pretend to be me for my friends? If I did, then why were they my friends in the first place? Bright Lights would love me no matter what I did. My legs buckled and I suddenly felt like I was about to vomit. “I… I need to lay down,” I said, staggering to the stairs and up to my room.

***

“Sweetie, can we please talk?” Rarity said from the other side of my door. I opened my mouth half way to say something, but closed it a second later. She didn’t want to hear anything from me that wasn’t Happy Silly Filly Sweetie, and I… I couldn’t be her right now. I just wanted to be me and happy and what was so bad about that?

But what if I’m a bad pony? There it was again, that question I really didn’t want to think about. There were so many other funner questions to ask, like how many ponies could I kiss in a night? That was a fun question, and why was it so hard to have a good time? A good time all the time, that’s all I wanted.

Or was that what other Sweetie wants? I frowned. No, I loved fun. That’s the one thing I knew. Fun was the best. Okay, so the real me likes fun, but so does Happy Silly Filly Sweetie. What did she want that I didn’t? Why did I even need her? So my friends didn’t leave me? Well, Bright Lights promised she wouldn’t leave me as long as I stayed me, so…

But that was silly, I already knew the rest of my friends didn’t want me to be me. They just wanted me to be what they wanted. Diamond Tiara and Melody had already told me as much. They– Why couldn’t they just love me? If Rarity wasn’t outside my door begging me to talk to her, I might have… An idea entered my head, and I unlocked my door.

“Alright,” I said, as Rarity pushed her way into my room. “We can talk, and I know what I want to do for my last night with you: Drink.”

***

It took a lot of convincing, but Rarity eventually gave in. Given the choice between letting me drink and hearing what was bothering me, or not letting me drink and not hearing what was bothering me, she chose the former. Half a glass of wine later, and my story was spilling out. I told her how I knew my friends secretly hated me. How they forced me to be the pony they wanted me to be. I didn’t tell her about Bright Lights, though; something told me she wouldn’t really understand. Like she’d understand anyways.

“Are… are you sure that’s how everything happened?” Rarity asked as I finished my story. “Scootaloo and Apple Bloom– I have a hard time believing that they’d secretly despise you.”

“Well, it’s true,” I said, taking another sip of my wine. Why did she have to keep the bottle so close to her, and why did the wine taste kind of weird? I mean, I guess it tasted okay, but it definitely didn’t taste like the stuff I’d had at Tiara’s. Maybe it was some weird kind of wine for ponies that didn’t like the taste of wine? Still, a little drink was better than no drink, and the alcohol loosened the ropes that had me all tied up the last few days. Hmm… Maybe I could see about tying Melody or Tiara up, that could be fun. Would that be fun? If done right, it sounds like it could be fun.

Rarity tapped her chin in thought. “While I believe you’re telling me what you think happened, I also feel the need to do some… independent verification, I suppose. Perhaps all this was just some silly miscommunication.”

Uh-huh. It sounded like she didn’t believe me. Why would I lie to her? I wanted my friends to like me, after all. If anything, I’d delude myself into thinking they liked me. But I couldn’t. I knew how they felt about me, saw how Melody and Tiara laughed when I tried to hint that there might be even a little bit more to me than just Happy Silly Filly Sweetie, and Apple Bloom was leaving because I’d lied to her like she’d lied to me, because it’s apparently okay for everypony but Sweetie to lie. Well, maybe Sweetie’s getting tired of all the special rules. Maybe she wants to be bad just like everypony else.

“Sure thing,” I said, smiling at my sister. If she wanted me to pretend for my glass of wine, I’d pretend. I’d do… a lot of things for a glass of wine, actually. Besides, maybe Rarity actually kind of cared a little about of me, instead of pretending just like everypony else. We don’t know that, Sweetie, they could still like us, maybe we should give them a chance.

Yeah, maybe… Maybe– But Bright Lights could accept me without wearing a mask, so why couldn’t my friends do the same? I mean, she’d only known me for a few days, and Apple Bloom had known me for years, so if any of them were going to accept me for me, it would’ve been Apple Bloom.

The fire Bright Lights had given me flared up, burning hotter and brighter. But she didn’t! She left me, just like… Just like they did. “Thanks for the wine,” I said, remembering that I was sitting across from my sister.

Rarity sighed and took a drink of her wine. “Unfortunately, our talk did little to ease my mind. Sweetie, if you want me to stay, say the word, and I’ll cancel my trip with Applejack. I’m sure she’ll understand, and if not…” She shrugged. “We’ve had our disagreements before.”

“I’m fine,” I said, keeping my smile trained on her. I didn’t want to ruin Rarity’s vacation. Even if she didn’t care about me. Plus, I’d get some time away from her.“I just– I think I could use a little change of scenery. You know, get out of the house, spend some time with Miss Octavia and Miss Scratch.”

Rarity nodded in thought. “That sounds reasonable, I suppose, although Miss Octavia and Miss Scratch will be under strict orders to keep an eye on you.”

“Alright,” I said, shrinking my smile just a little bit. Just enough to show I was disappointed while still smiling. Making sure I didn’t give her any reason to reground me. I had to be good until she was gone. Had to be good until I could talk to Bright Lights.

***

Rarity and I trotted down the streets of Ponyville, my saddlebags threatening to burst. Why did she make me carry everything? She always made me carry everything, and I’d never complained, but it would be nice if maybe she could help me for once.

“Now, I expect you to be on your best behavior while I’m gone, Sweetie. No…” She stopped and took a deep breath. “Be yourself, of course, but try to be the best possible version of yourself.” I guess that was kind of reasonable. I mean… I could still be me, she just wanted… wait, did that mean she didn’t think I was normally good? I’d spent my whole life being good, and now that I spent a few days thinking about what I wanted instead of what everypony else wanted, I was a bad pony? I was a great pony.

“Got it,” I said as she knocked on the door to Miss Octavia’s house. “Best me possible, should be pretty easy.” Just for emphasis, I gave her a big friendly smile. Friendlier than usual, I mean.

Rarity just sighed as we heard ponies shuffle around inside. “Of course, you will, Sweetie.”

Before I could say anything else, the door opened. “Oh, hey, Sweetie, Rares, what’s up?” Vinyl asked, gesturing for us to step inside. “Good work on your final, Sweetie, you aced it.”

“Everypony aced your final,” Miss Octavia said, coming down the stairs with a pile of pillows and blankets balanced on her back. “An ‘A’ in musical theory proved to be about as meaningful as an ‘A’ in acting. You know, it’s not the end of the world if you give a student a ‘B’ or, Celestia forbid, a ‘C.’”

Vinyl just rolled her eyes and floated the pillows and blankets to the sofa. “Yeah, I get what you’re saying, but I mean, all those kids worked hard, and I think they deserved the grade they got. You know, they’re all better musicians now than they were when they got here. Sweetie Belle even got her cutie mark.”

“And your class had very little to do with that.” Octavia rubbed her forehead and sighed. “Vinyl, I love you dearly, but you had a question asking ponies that are supposed to be musically gifted what a scale was.”

“But a lot of ponies really didn’t know that stuff,” I said, entering the conversation and feeling the need to defend my teacher. Well, one of my teachers.

“Yeah,” Vinyl said, floating the cushions off their sofa. “A lot of those kids were self-taught and didn’t know any of the actual theory when they got to class. Sound a little familiar to you?”

“Yes, Vinyl, it does,” Octavia said, turning from her fiancée to Rarity and me. “I apologize for our little disagreement, we are apparently of two minds when it comes to how challenging a course should be.”

“Tavi, it was an introductory class on musical theory. I wanted to spend a semester making sure everypony was on the same page before we got into the tough stuff,” Vinyl said, rolling her eyes and giving Miss Octavia a quick peck on the cheek before pulling the bed out of the couch.

“Oh, and I think you got a few too many pillows,” Vinyl said, shooting a glance at Miss Octavia. “I mean, these are like… all the pillows on our bed. I really don’t think she needs that many. Besides, that means there won’t be enough for us.”

“Yes, there will,” Octavia said, trotting to the couch bed and putting the sheets on with a practiced easy motion. “We’ll have as many pillows as we usually do.”

“Wait, you mean I’m going to have to sleep on the couch? But it has a bad spring on it that makes my back all achey,” Vinyl said, her eyes twinkling.

Miss Octavia just raised an eyebrow at Vinyl. “And that’s exactly why we’re taking the couch. It would hardly do to give our guest such uninviting accommodations.”

“Well,” Vinyl said, frowning in thought, “what if we had her share a room with–”

“I rather doubt that Moldeaux’s room is suitable for a filly, and we’re certainly not sticking her in the basement with Woodhoof unless you want to get rid of all that junk you’ve been storing down there.”

“It’s not junk,” Vinyl said, “it’s equipment. There’s a huge difference.” Even though she was complaining, she was smiling the whole time. Not like my smile though, it was different, lighter, maybe? I don’t know what the difference is exactly, but I think it was something in the eyes.

“Yes, well, do you want to wade through all your equipment and–”

My sister cleared her throat and the whole argument froze. “I do hope I’m not interrupting,” Rarity said, silencing Miss Octavia and Vinyl. “I just came to entrust my sister with two adults while I went on a vacation for a week. If they’re not around, I’ll just have to cancel my plans.”

Miss Octavia’s face went red and she took a step forward. “I apologize, Rarity, Vinyl and I have been… having a disagreement–”

“Bickering!” Vinyl said, popping up behind Miss Octavia and wrapping a foreleg around her. “That’s the word you like using, isn’t it?”

Octavia sighed and tried to bury a smile. Why would anypony ever try to do that? “Yes, but I’m also trying to reassure Rarity – to let her know her sister’s in good hooves – and the two of us bickering doesn’t project the proper image.”

Rarity opened her mouth to say something, but Vinyl talked over her. “Oh, come on, like she’s going to get mad at us for bickering a little.”

My sister’s face went red as one of Miss Octavia’s elbows jammed into Vinyl’s chest. “Octavia, can I speak with you privately for a minute?” Rarity asked, tilting her head towards their kitchen.

“Of course,” Miss Octavia said. “Vinyl…”

“Are you really going to ask me if I can look after a filly for a few minutes?” Vinyl asked, flopping down onto her bed. “After you entrusted me with a room full of kids for a semester?”

Miss Octavia just flashed Vinyl a tiny barely noticeable smile and trotted off to the kitchen, following after my sister. “So,” Vinyl said, “come on up. I mean…” She trailed off for a few seconds while I took off my saddlebags and took a seat on the couch-bed. “What’s up, Sweetie? How are things with you and Mels?”

“Alright,” I said, glancing back at my saddlebag to make sure it hadn’t collapsed and spilled out. “It stinks that she’s gone for the holidays, but I still have Bright Lights, so it’s not too bad. Still, why kiss one pony when you can kiss more?”

Vinyl blinked and stared at me for a few seconds. “I don’t know, but I’m pretty happy to have one pony to kiss. I’ve done the whole herding thing, and I can kind of get the appeal – I mean, making out with ten mares in one night is a pretty fun experience – but I’d trade all of DJ-P0N3’s conquests and adventures for a minute of Tavi and Vinyl.”

I stared at her, trying to figure out just what she said. “But… why? The DJ-P0N3 stuff sounds fun… Is this going to be one of those things where you start talking about how there’s more to life than fun?”

“Nope,” Vinyl said, laughing. “I mean, there’s totally more to life than just having fun, but if you don’t want to hear that song and dance again, well, I’ve been there before.”

“Really?” I asked, looking up at her from my spot at the foot of the couch-bed. “But… Why would you give that up? Miss Octavia doesn’t seem big on the having-all-the-fun-you-want front.”

Vinyl shook her head. “No, she can be pretty strict sometimes. Like… don’t ever get her started on impropriety. I mean, even after living with me for a year and some months, she’s still totally inflexible about that stuff. It’s cute, even if it does make her a bit – or a lot – fussy. What’s cool, though, is just how much she cares. The minute she knew you were coming over she started planning how to make this great for you because – well, first of all, she really likes you and Rarity – but also because she absolutely believes that that’s what a host should do. There aren’t many ponies with more straight-up willpower than her.”

“Huh,” I said, nodding my head in thought and trying to think on her words. They did kind of make sense. “But… it also sounds like she keeps you from doing what you want a lot of the time. You want to sleep in your bed, but she won’t let you. How can you stand that?”

“Because I care about her. You know… it’s like you’re singing a duet, you can’t just do whatever you want and improvise like you’re doing a solo show, you have to remember there’s someone else sharing the stage with you, and the only way your show’s going to be a big hit is if you both work together. A relationship is like that, the only way to make things work is to give in a little bit. Stop thinking about just yourself and instead – if you really care about the relationship – think about the greater good.”

“The greater good?” I asked, tilting my head.

“The greater good.” Vinyl nodded. “I mean, you should think about that anyways, because… you know, society doesn’t work if everypony’s just looking out for themselves, but especially with a relationship. Relationships can’t work with two selfish ponies. Or one, I guess, but they can last a little longer that way.”

I felt a frown form that never reached my lips. I didn’t need her relationship advice, I was just fine. And– “What makes you think I’m selfish?” I asked.

“I don’t,” Vinyl said, shrugging as a noise came from the kitchen. “You asked why I ‘put up’ with Tavi’s bossyness, and that’s my answer. Tavi and I are totally different ponies, but we both push each other to be better. You know, for the past year, I’ve gone to bed before two like… 90% of the time. Don’t always get to sleep by two, but I’m definitely in bed by then. Oh, and we both love each other, so I guess that’s a huge plus too.”

Her words ground through my head. “So… why does she do all that stuff? I mean, it sounds like she made a pretty big deal about me coming to visit, so… what’s the point of going through that trouble?”

Vinyl blinked and frowned. “This is the same Sweetie Belle who made friends with the shyest girl in class during her first day at a new school, right? Like… you haven’t been replaced by a double and there’s no brainworm whispering into your ear telling you what to do?”

“No,” I said, shaking the afterimage of a blue mare with pink mane away. She didn’t have anything to do with this. “I’m just… you know, trying to figure some stuff out.”

“Alright,” Vinyl said, rolling out of bed of the bed as the door to the kitchen swung open. “Well, if you need a sounding board to bounce things off of, let me know and I’ll lend you an ear or two. I mean, I’d be a pretty bad teacher if I didn’t listen to my students, although…” She turned to her fiancée. “Hey, Tavi, are teachers supposed to listen to all their students’ problems, or just the class-related ones?”

“All problems, of course,” Octavia said, and I caught my sister giving Miss Octavia a quick nod. What was that about? “Our job isn’t just to teach music or Equestrian, but to mold the future generation and hopefully impart some wisdom. We’ve all made mistakes we don’t want to see repeated.”

“Aye, captain, my captain,” Vinyl said, rolling her eyes. “Imparting knowledge til our fearful trip is done, right?”

Miss Octavia sighed. “Why do I bother exposing you to the classics if you’re just going to quote them against me? A little gratitude would be just so lovely now and then.”

“Well,” Vinyl said, sidling up next to Miss Octavia. “Maybe once everypony’s gone to sleep, I can kneel before you and sing your praises.”

“Vinyl, decorum, propriety, there’s a filly present, we shouldn’t–”

“Oh, it’s quite alright, Octavia,” Rarity sighed. “Sweetie has been exposed to far worse than a little innuendo, and as much as I’d like to believe otherwise, I don’t think such a small line will scar her.” She shrugged and looked at me. “And perhaps seeing how a healthy relationship works will do you some good. I know Applejack and I don’t make the best role models in that regard.” Rarity gave Vinyl a look before she could add anything else, and why did she keep acting like I wasn’t fine? I was great, I knew what a healthy relationship looked like.

Vinyl rubbed the back of her head. “Are you sure you two aren’t sisters? You both have that death glare down really well.”

“I think I’d know if I had another sister,” Rarity said after a pause. “Although I’ll take your comparison as a compliment to both of us. Fine taste recognizes fine taste, and such.”

Octavia smiled at my sister. “Have fun on your trip, I promise your sister will be in good hooves. I’ve planned several structured fun activities for us to engage in.” Great, structured activities sounded super fun. Maybe I could convince her to let me go play with Bright Lights. They still thought I was Happy Silly Filly Sweetie, so it should be a pretty easy sell..

Rarity wrapped her hooves around me and gave a quick peck on the cheek. “Have fun, Sweetie, I’ll be back in a few days, I promise.”

“I will,” I said, automatically returning the hug and kiss. And it was true, I was definitely going to have fun, but something told me she wouldn’t approve of the type of fun I wanted. That’s why she wasn’t going to find out about it.

My sister trotted out of the house, giving me one last wave as she left. “Have fun on your trip, Rarity!” I shouted as the door shut. “So, what are we going to do?”

“Well, it’s Thursday, which means it’s time for our weekly game night with Lyra and Bon-Bon, but since we knew you’d be visiting and it was the day after Hearth’s Warming, we decided–” The doorbell rang and Octavia sighed and muttered. “Dramatic convenience is still at work in Ponyville.”

“We decided to make it an entire game day,” Vinyl said, floating a stack of papers and some big heavy books towards me. “So roll up a character and let’s get to rolling.”

“What type of game has so many books?” I asked, flipping open the big book Vinyl passed to me.

Octavia sighed and opened the door, allowing Lyra and Bon-Bon inside. “Welcome, Sweetie, to the world of Mazes and Monsters.”

***

“Come on!” Lyra said, flopping back on the couch bed while I sat on a pillow behind the coffee table. “It’s been like… an hour, can you finish up already?” Ugh, it’s not like I was trying to be slow. I mean… maybe Mazes and Monsters wasn’t kissing fun, but I might as well try it. Besides, maybe it would help out my acting.

Besides Lyra and Bon-Bon, Mister Moldeaux and Octavia’s butler had joined the game. I didn’t know Professor Moldeaux lived with them, although I guess Octavia did mention it earlier.

“Lyra,” Bon-Bon said from next to her fiancée, “the last time you rolled a character, you spent all day poring through feats trying to get her absolutely perfect. We can at least give Sweetie an hour or two.”

“Fine... “ Lyra said. “But I still don’t get why we’re having her join the game, she’ll just be here for one week, so we’ll have to explain why she’s there and then why she had to leave.”

“Because we’re trying to be good hosts,” Octavia said, giving Lyra the same glare she gave whenever somepony in the class started being ‘unruly and disruptive.’ There weren’t many unruly and disruptive ponies in the class after the first few weeks of school. “What would you suggest as alternative, that we send her off to her room while we stay down here and play games?”

“Well… no,” Lyra said.

“Besides,” Vinyl said, “we’ll still be starting earlier than we usually do by a couple of hours, and none of us have to worry about work tomorrow.”

Bon-Bon cleared her throat.

“Right,” Vinyl added, “nopony but Bon-Bon has to worry about work tomorrow. Hooray for winter break.” While they talked, I made the last few tweaks to my character and went on to figure out which spells my character knew.

“And since she’s our game master, we’re all bound to her schedule,” Octavia said. “Sweetie, how are things going?”

“Fine,” I said, adding my spells to the character sheet. “Is an elf sorceress okay? She sounds really fun, but–”

“That’s fine,” Octavia said. “Our party could use another spellcaster. Especially after–”

“That wasn’t my fault,” Vinyl said, getting to her hooves. “Now, is everypony good with beer or should I bust the cider out?” What? They had alcohol? My mind immediately went to work figuring out how I could sneak some during the game.

“Perhaps we could play without the alcohol tonight? Watching you all drink while I’m forced to abstain can grow grating at times,” Octavia said, putting a hoof over Vinyl’s shoulders and keeping her from moving to the kitchen.

“What’s the big deal, Tavi, you never complained about us drinking before. I mean, you were totally fine with me getting hammered on eggnog last night, so…” Vinyl said.

Octavia whispered something in Vinyl’s ear and Vinyl sat back down on the ground. She knew. They both knew. I can’t believe Rarity would just… go and tell her that. What gave her the right?

“Alright, everypony,” Bon-Bon said, taking over the silence that Octavia’s whispers created. “If Sweetie’s almost ready, let’s start the recap...”

***

Everypony was on fire and it was kind of my fault. “Sweetie, the fireballs don’t care if you’re an ally or enemy; if you’re inside their area of effect, you get burned,” Bon-Bon said.

“And she’d’ve known that if you’d let us talk with each other out of character and got rid of that stupid time limit between actions,” Vinyl said. “You know, kind of like we’re doing now.”

“It’s about immersion, Vinyl. And back when I allowed you all to talk strategy during combat, it took four hours just to get through one battle,” Bon-Bon said. “This way works better.”

“Normally, yes, but perhaps we could make a small exception considering this is Sweetie’s first time playing the game,” Octavia said, looking between Vinyl and Bon-Bon. Vinyl and Bon-Bon had been sniping at each other all day for some reason, and it really wasn’t fun to listen to.

Everypony in the room nodded. “Good,” Octavia said. “Now, is there any chance we can go back to before Sweetie Belle–”

“Nopony’s going to die because of her mistake,” Bon-Bon said, looking back behind the screen thate separated her from the rest of the table. “Plus, she bloodied some of the bandits, so I think everything still works out in your favor.”

“Then I suppose I’ll be casting group heal on my turn,” Woodhoof said.

“That would be advisable,” Octavia said. “Sweetie, do you mind if I take a look at your character sheet? It would help me advise you on what spells to cast.”

“Sure thing,” I said, floating the sheet over to her while everypony else went back to the game.

Octavia looked over the paper and cleared her throat. “Uhmm… Sweetie, pardon me for asking, but why did you make all your spells combat spells? Really, the game offers a wide variety of options, and your character just seems a touch… combat focused.”

“You mean awesome focused,” Vinyl said while Woodhoof rolled to see how much he healed the group for.

“Says the barbarian,” Octavia said, sighing and kissing her fiancée on the cheek. “Still, I didn’t see your play-style being so aggressive, Sweetie. I imagined you in more of a supporting role.”

“That’s not a problem, is it?” I asked, the back of my neck suddenly burning. “I thought it would be fun.”

“It’s not a problem,” Octavia said, passing the paper back to me. “Just not what I imagined from you.” Of course she’d say that. All she knew was Happy Silly Filly Sweetie, she didn’t know the real me, but at least she’d accepted my character without too much fuss. “Now, I’d recommend you cast some of your single-target spells when we’re having the melée, although area-of-effect spells make for a wonderful opening move.”

“And if you can position things right so you don’t catch any of us on fire, then fireball away,” Lyra said, tapping a hoof at the square-grid table where our tokens sat. “Because friendly fire isn’t.”

Huh? I stared at Lyra, trying to figure out just what she meant. Friendly. Fire. Ohhh... I giggled. That was kind of funny. “Got it,” I said, smiling at her. “No more friendly fire. Just regular fire.”

“Octavia,” Bon-Bon said, “it’s your turn, and the clock is ticking.”

“Right,” Octavia said. sweeping her dice into a cup as I transitioned from being Sweetie Belle to Avernus, conjurer of the arcane. “I play my lute and cast Heroism on Vinyl.” I went to plotting Avernus’s next move.

***

I twisted and turned in Octavia’s bed, thinking about the game that had just wrapped up less than an hour ago. I glanced at the clock. Almost two. We’d stayed up late playing, and I was still sad we had to stop. Once I got the hang of it, I was pretty good at burning things to death.

A knock came from the door and pulled me from my thoughts on next week’s game (I really hope I get invited back, maybe I could see if the rest of my– No, why would they care about what I want? Maybe I could convince Tiara, Melody, and Bright Lights though). “What is it?” I asked.

Miss Octavia opened the door a crack, allowing hall light to spill in. “A thousand pardons, Sweetie Belle, while preparing for your arrival, I forgot to bring my medicine downstairs.”

“Are you alright?” I asked, lifting my head up to look at her better. She seemed alright, maybe a little gray, but she was always gray. She hadn’t been sick the entire time I’d known her, had she? “It’s not bad, is it?”

She smiled and shook her head. “Nothing to worry about, Sweetie. I just need to take my anti… everything pills, or risk having another episode.”

“Of what?” I asked, curiosity replacing concern.

“Of paranoid delusions, self-recrimination, and a whole other host of anti-social behaviors. Like I said, as long as I take my anti-depressants and anti-anxieties, I’m perfectly fine beyond some early morning oddness,” she said, trotting into the bathroom and pulling out a tray filled with pill bottles.

“Anti-depressants?” I asked, tilting my head at the unfamiliar word.

“Mood elevators, Vinyl calls them my ‘happy pills–’” Octavia stopped as my eyes went wide. Pills that made you happy, how awesome was that?

“Although they aren’t actually ‘happy pills,’” Octavia said, apparently reading my mind. “They stabilize my mood and keep my fouler thoughts in check. They don’t make me happy; they keep me from locking myself in my room yelling at a broken mirror. Do you have a history of locking yourself in the room and hating everything touched by Celestia’s sun with special attention paid to yourself?”

I shook my head.

“Days of lethargy and crying?”

More head shaking.

“Paranoid delusions that everypony’s plotting against you?”

“Definitely not,” I said, smiling at her as she reached the door out of my room, pill tray balanced on her back.

“Then you don’t need to concern yourself with what my pills do, and even if you did suffer from those symptoms, you still shouldn’t consider taking somepony else’s medicine. Self-medicating can be as bad as the illness,” Octavia said, turning around to look back at me. “So should I put my pills in the safe?”

I shook my head and she smiled. I was still going to take at least one just to see how it was, but it sounded like they wouldn’t make me happy. “I’m glad to hear that. They’re still going in the safe, of course, because doing otherwise would be grossly irresponsible of me, but–”

“Are there actually happy pills, though?” I asked. Ugh, if Rarity hadn’t given her that little speech in the kitchen, Octavia probably never would’ve been worried and I could have tried her pills. I wasn’t going to take them all. She needed them, but… I had to know if they could make me happy. Pills that make you happy all the time would absolutely be the best thing ever.

Octavia shook her head and trotted back into my room. “Sweetie, you don’t need pills or drink to be happy, and if you feel like you do, then perhaps you should look inside and see what’s causing those feelings.” Duh. I wanted to be happy all the time because who wouldn’t want to be happy all the time? Besides, I didn’t need them to be happy, they just made it easier.

“Alright,” I said, smiling to put her at ease. See! I was so nice that I was even lying to her to make her feel better. If only ponies could be that nice to me.

Octavia just shook her head and trotted back to the door. Apparently she didn’t buy it. “Get some sleep, Sweetie. You’re going to be rehearsing the classics with me come tomorrow morning.”

Yay.

***

Octavia and I stood in the living room, the bed turned back into a couch to make room for us. Octavia was on her back legs, cello carefully balanced, while I just stood and sang, following the music she’d provided me. It wasn’t in modern Equestrian, but I could pronounce the words alright, and I sounded like I knew what I was saying, which is really all that mattered. As long as I said what the lyrics told me to say, I was fine.

“Very good,” Octavia said as the song came to a close. “Are you sure you’re not proficient in Prench?”

“Non,” I said, shaking my head. “Je ne parle pas prançais.”

Octavia raised an eyebrow.

“Quoi?” I asked.

“You’re… You’re speaking Prench right now,” Octavia said before pinching her nose. “You know, what? Let’s just move on to the next song, shall we?”

I nodded and a knock came from the door. “One minute,” Octavia said, putting her cello back on its stand and trotting to the door. She opened it and revealed a powder-blue unicorn who just happened to be the newest member of my herd.

“Bright Lights!” I said, smiling and moving to the space between my host and my marefriend. My face was just an inch from hers, and her scent reignited the fire she’d given to me a few days ago. “What are you even doing here? How did you–”

“I had to speak with Lyra about the particulars of the play, and run my staging and scenery ideas by her. She mentioned you were staying just next door, and so here I am.” She smiled apologetically at Miss Octavia. “I hope I’m not intruding, Headmistress Octavia.”

Octavia shook her head. “Not at all, I’m just surprised. Rarity informed me that all of Sweetie’s friends were travelling for break, and if I’d known you and Sweetie were friends, I would have included you in my plans.”

“It’s completely fine,” Bright Lights said, laughing and tossing her mane over her shoulder. Every move she made kept my attention completely focused on her. But then, why shouldn’t it be? She was way prettier than Miss Octavia, plus I could kiss her. “I hope… would it be okay if I borrowed her while I went to the toy store? I’m doing some late Hearth’s Warming shopping and was hoping she could help me pick out gifts for our friends. I promise to have her back in a few hours.”

“That sounds fine,” Octavia said. “Just give me a second to see if Vinyl wants to come along.” Shoot! If she was coming, then I probably couldn’t do all the kissing stuff I wanted.

“You don’t need to do that,” I said, tearing my eyes away from Bright Lights to look at Miss Octavia. “The toy store is just down the road a bit, and…” Think. Think. Think. What could I offer her to tempt her into staying inside? “I know me being here probably isn’t the funnest thing in the world, and maybe you and Miss Scratch could spend the time doing stuff you want to do? I mean, I’m just going to the toy store, it’s not like I’m going off to Berry’s Bar or anything.” Not that I was opposed to going to Berry’s Bar if I could figure out how to get into the part where they sold all the alcohol at.

Octavia glanced from me to Vinyl’s DJ room and back again. “Yes, you’re right.” She tilted her head for a minute. “Besides, Berry has enough sense not to let you downstairs.” Octavia looked to Bright Lights standing behind me. “And, Bright Lights, isn’t it?”

She nodded.

“If Lyra trusts you to ‘help’ her with the play, I suppose I can trust you to keep an eye on Sweetie,” Octavia said. giving me and Bright Lights one last look. “Just be back in two hours.”

“Thanks,” I said, flashing her an even bigger smile than usual. “I promise everything’s going to be fine.”

Octavia shook her head as she turned back into her living room. “Yet whenever anypony says that, I always feel a sense of foreboding doom. Try not to go around tempting fate, Sweetie Belle. Especially in Ponyville.” With that, she shut the door, leaving Bright Lights and me outside in the cold. And me without a saddle vest.

***

A few minutes later, I was back on the street, but this time, I was actually dressed for the winter weather. “So,” I said, as the door clicked shut again. “What are you thinking of for gifts?”

Bright Lights rolled her eyes as we trotted down the street. “That was a lie, Sweetie. I just wanted a reason to get you alone. I thought having you help me shop sounded better than–” Instead of finishing her thought, she pulled me back into an alley and forced her lips against mine. My whole body burned at her touch, like I’d just leapt into a fire. If I stayed with her, she’d burn me up completely, but at the moment, nothing sounded better.

She ended the kiss and gave my horn a teasing lick while I panted. She was a really good kisser. Like… just the best. “Yeah,” I said taking a deep breath, “this is definitely more fun than going gift shopping.”

Bright Lights just smiled and kissed my neck. “So, what do you want to do with our two hours? I’m all yours, Sweetie.”

I just shrugged at her as we exited the alley and I readjusted my saddle. “I’m fine with whatever you want to do.”

Her smile twisted into a glare. “Don’t give me that line, Sweetie. We both know you don’t really care about what I want. The only reason you’re humoring me is because you want me to be happy.”

“So?” I asked, scrunching my forehead up as we walked in the direction of the school. “What’s wrong with wanting other ponies to be happy?”

“Nothing,” she said, her glare softening. “Just as long as you admit that you only care because it’s what you want.” She gave me another kiss and somehow my body got even warmer. With her around, I didn’t need the vest to keep me from the cold.

I tried to focus on what she was actually saying instead of the heat flooding my body. “And… What’s… You make it sound like I’m selfish.”

“Of course,” she said, tracing a hooftip down my flank. It was… how could her touching me feel so great? It wasn’t even a kiss, it was just a normal regular hooftip teasing up and down my flank. “Because you are selfish. I know you don’t want to admit it to yourself, but you’re probably the most selfish mare in Equestria, and I love that about you.”

I shook my head, trying to calm down a little, but her continued touches and caresses as we walked made that really difficult. “But… I’m not that selfish.”

Bright Lights laughed like daggers scraping against each other. “Sweetie, everything you’ve ever done has been because you wanted it. Even when you’re nice, it’s because you feel like it. Have you ever been nice when it didn’t suit you?”

That… of course there had to be an example. I mean, I was nice all the time. “I don’t know,” I finally said. “I feel like… I had to, right?”

“Let’s see,” she said, “you abandoned Apple Bloom when she disagreed with you, you strong armed Diamond Tiara into joining a herd even though she didn’t want to, and you’re doing everything in your power to get Melody to march in tune with your desires like Tiara is. Selfishness, thy name is Sweetie Belle.”

Maybe… Wait, how did she know all that– Another kiss ended the thought. She was right, I mean… Tiara really didn’t want to be in a herd, but she was happy right now. Happier. Because of me. Because she did what I wanted. That wasn’t bad.

“That’s not bad, is it?” I finally managed to ask. “Although I guess I could try to make up with Apple Bloom, she–”

“Nonsense, Sweetie,” Bright Lights said as we reached the dormitory. “So many ponies bind themselves with cares about the rest of the world, but not you. You’re free. Free to do what you want. Free to define happiness on your own terms and ignore conventional morality. Why would you ever trade your libertine ways for a pair of shackles?”

“I–” She kissed me again as we climbed the stairs. “You really think it’s good? What about other ponies?” I asked, struggling to string words together.

“It doesn’t matter what I think,” she said, messing with the lock to her door. “What I think doesn’t matter, but tell me this: Would you rather go back to fretting about what everypony else wants or would you rather revel in all the pleasures life has to offer?” She swung the door. “If I’m wrong, just head back to Miss Octavia’s and we’ll never speak of this again. I’ll never give you the offer to fulfill your wildest dreams again.” She smirked. “But if I’m right, step inside.”

I chewed on my lower lip. It sounded… She wanted to fulfill my wildest dreams? My wildest dreams were really wild, and… maybe she was right. Maybe it would be nice to have someone I could be free with. Maybe– I stepped inside and she clicked the door shut behind me. “What wildest dreams?” I asked as Bright Lights laid down on her bed, managing to show off all the ways her body twisted and curved and I really couldn’t take my eyes off her.”

“You tell me,” she said, giving the same smile Rarity’s cat gave me when it had me cornered. My stomach fluttered and I couldn’t figure out if it was for a good reason or not, but why should I be scared of Bright Lights? “To quote our musical: ‘I’m your genie, I’m your friend, I’m your willing slave.’”

“You’re not going to convince me to kill ponies and feed them to you though, right?” I asked, giving her a smile.

“Don’t be absurd,” she said, smiling and laughing. Why did her laugh always have a metallic ting to it? “Why would I want to eat ponies? No, I just want you to be as happy as possible.”

“But… why?” I asked. What was in it for her? Why would she care if I was happy or not?

“Because I like you,” she said, readjusting her position on the bed, and I couldn’t help but notice the way her body shimmered and wiggled with each movement. “Because I enjoy seeing a liberated mare, and I don’t want to see her succumb to the pressures of society. Carve your own path, Sweetie, and I’ll be there to help you with it.”

Something didn’t feel right about that, but the moment she wiggled again whatever thought was in my head withered and died. Maybe she was– “What’s in it for you?” I blurted out. “If you’re… like me, why would you care about my happiness?”

Bright Lights laughed again. “But I’m not like you, Sweetie. Unlike you, I’m afflicted with conscience, and when I see an unhappy mare, I feel compelled to make her happy.” She held her hooves up like they were cuffed together. “Ah, if only I could be free of concerns for others like you are, but alas, I’m stuck in the mire of morality.”

Ugh, I wish– I did have a conscience, and… Yes, I liked getting what I wanted, but– “I’m not a monster,” I said. “Stop making it sound like I am.”

“You see,” she said, her smile only growing. “Even now, it’s about what you want. You don’t want me to make you sound like a monster, but what about what I want?”

“But you just want to make me happy,” I said, not leaving any room for doubt in the statement.

“I do,” she said, her smile turning into a look of sympathy as she beckoned for me to take a step closer to the bed. “And you’d be so much happier if you weren’t fighting yourself all the time. I’ve watched you all semester, and when I see you, I see a mare struggling to reconcile what she thinks she should be and what she is. It might hurt while I rip the mask away, but once you’re finally free, you’ll see how much better life can be.” She drew me towards her, and somehow the both of us ended up on her bed, Bright Lights straddling my back legs. She kissed all over my chest and I squirmed with each touch of hers.

“Now,” she said, suddenly pulling away from me. “You liked that, didn’t you?”

I nodded, wishing she’d stop talking and go back to kissing me. Why did she have to stop? Her kisses felt so good.

“You want more?”

I nodded again, desperate for the touch of her lips again.

“Then command me, Sweetie. Tell me what you wish and I’ll make that dream a reality,” she said, smiling down at me.

“Do… do it,” I said. struggling to get the words out.

Bright Lights tsked. “That’s not a command, Sweetie, that’s a pleading mewling request. I need you to command. To fully take charge and command a pony to do your bidding. To accept that what you want supersedes the wishes of everypony else. If you can’t do that, then no more kisses from me.”

“Do it,” I said, trying to make my voice firmer. To sound like I was commanding.

She shook her head. “That’s better, but just not good enough.” Bright Lights sighed and started to push herself off me. What? She said she wanted to make me happy, but now she was giving me commands? The heat of her kisses twisted into raw anger.

“Do it!” I yelled, tired of her silly dumb little games. “Just do it and stop toying with me.” Before I could even finish talking, I felt the heat of her lips pressed against my belly, her tongue tracing circles.

“There,” she said, briefly lifting her head up before going back to kissing me. “That wasn’t so hard to do, was it?”

I squirmed under her kisses and shook my head. It wasn’t hard; it was the easiest thing in the world.

***

An hour later, Bright Lights had finished kissing every inch of me, and I’d lost my ability to do more than lay in bed gasping for air.

“Well,” she said, sitting at the edge of bed. “Are you quite sated, or do you want me to go back to work? Obviously, I’d be happy to, but you might want to concern yourself with getting back to Octavia’s on time. If you’re late, she might start investigating, and then your whole web of lies might unravel. You don’t want the truth to get out, do you?”

I just stared at the ceiling. “I… do I?”

Bright Lights laughed. “Obviously, I wouldn’t presume to tell you what to think, but consider this. If ponies found out how you really are – ponies with power over you – they might try to change you. To make you back to how you used to be. Do you want to be unmade? To lose all you gained today? Lose all you’ve discovered to go back to being… her?”

“Not that,” I said, shaking my head. “I don’t want to…” I took another gulp of air. “Today was fun. More fun than I had in a long time. “I…” More air. “Thank you.”

She shook her head and pushed herself off the bed. “Don’t thank me, Sweetie. I simply showed you the path to your true self. You were the one who leapt down it with such great aplomb.” She trotted over and kissed the tip of my horn. “I’ve never been prouder.”

“We can do this again, right?” I said, shivering at her kiss. Every kiss was a drop of water, and I was overflowing.

“I’m yours to command,” she said, smiling. “Anything else I can do for you, Sweetie?”

I was about to shake my head no when my mind pulled up something from last night. “Are there happy pills?” I asked.

Bright Lights’ eyes twinkled and her smile grew. “There are,” she said, “and if you want, I’d be happy to get my hooves on some for you. Just… don’t tell anypony about it. I could get in a lot of trouble for helping you.”

“Alright,” I said, nodding my head and rolling over to get a better look at her. I wasn’t helping her because she wanted me to, I was doing it because it helped me. “Not even Diamond Tiara or Melody?”

She shook her head. “Especially not them. Melody’s too easily swayed to be trusted, and I’m afraid Diamond Tiara would use that information to control you.”

I laughed at that. “Please, Tiara loves me. She’d do whatever I tell her.”

“Maybe,” Bright Lights said, idly stroking my mane as her attention turned to a collection of notebooks. “But she also doesn’t accept you for you, and she has an unfortunate jealous streak. Keep your other marefriends close, keep them under your thrall, do what you please with them, but unless you can know they’ll accept you for how you really are, don’t trust them.”

“Yeah,” I said, suddenly feeling a tingle on my coat where her lips should be. I drew her towards me and pressed her lips against my chest. She could kiss me a few more times before I left.

***

“Are you alright?” Octavia asked as I trotted back into the house. She and Vinyl were sitting on the couch bed, a bottle of beer and a glass of water on the table.

“Uh-huh,” I said, undoing my saddle vest. “Great, just… a bit cold.” Actually, my whole body felt like it was still on fire from Bright Lights’ kisses, but that probably wouldn’t go over well with Miss Octavia. I shivered, sweat forming under my coat.

“I see,” she said, getting off the couch and trotting over towards me. She pressed her hoof against my forehead and shook her head. “Sweetie Belle, you’re absolutely burning up. I insist you go lie down. I’ll be up shortly with a bowl of warm soup.” She glanced back at Vinyl. “That’s what you gave me when I had the cold last season, right?”

Vinyl nodded. “Sure is, but… how the hay do you not know what to do when someone has a cold?”

Miss Octavia sighed. “Vinyl, I had impeccable health as a filly, and once I was on my own, I didn’t have anypony to take care of me. If I got sick, I had to take care of it myself.”

“Right,” Vinyl said frowning. “Forgot you had like… the worst parents ever.” Well, I didn’t know about that. “But uhmm… so all those years you were on your own you didn’t have anypony to take care of you? I mean, even when you were Sweetie’s age?”

“No,” Octavia said, shaking her head. “When I was Sweetie’s age, I was struggling to pay for my tiny one-room apartment in Canterlot.” Really? She could be on her own at my age? I guess– Yes, I had my cutie mark, so I could live on my own if I wanted to, I just didn’t think anypony did.

“That sounds so fun,” I said, shivering as my mind went back to my time with Bright Lights. “Getting to live on your own, not have anypony to tell you what to do. It must have been great.”

Octavia shook her head. “As surprising as it may seem, being completely on your own without any support network isn’t that exciting.” She raised an eyebrow at me. “And where is this desire for independence coming from? I thought you were happy living with Rarity.”

“I am,” I said, smiling bigger for her. “I just… You know, it would also be fun to be on my own. Do what I want without having to worry about her or anypony.”

“Ah, idle thoughts of youthful rebellion. I’m not familiar with it myself, but Vinyl has explained the situation to me.” Octavia smiled and laughed. “I don’t think I could have handled dealing with her back then.” She stopped and her expression got firm. “Now get upstairs, I won’t have you getting the flu on my watch.”

“Yes, Miss Octavia,” I said. Bright Lights’ lips were against my neck, my chest, lower, all over. I shook my head. I needed to focus on Octavia, not… I needed to focus on Octavia. Once I was in bed, I could dream as much as I wanted.

“Good,” Octavia said as I shuffled upstairs. “Now, I’ll get you some veggie soup, but consider yourself on strict bed rest for the rest of the day.”

“Alright,” I said, reaching the upstairs landing and turning to look back at her. “Can we still go to Pinkie’s New Year Bash?”

Miss Octavia pursed her lips in thought. “If I think you’re feeling well enough, I’ll be happy to take you, but your health comes first, Sweetie Belle.”

***

The flushed feeling got worse as I staggered upstairs. Why was I so hot? I felt like I was melting more and more with every step. Once my head hit the pillows, the world turned into a weird blur. Sweat soaked the bed sheets and shivers racked my bodies. Octavia came in with my bowl of soup, and I slurped down a couple of spoonfuls.

I stared at the ceiling that warped and bent. It twisted into a face. My face. Tiara’s face. Dazzler’s face. All three at once. “Hello,” I said to me, my marefriend, and my enemy. “What are you– What are you doing here?”

The face bent down towards me, her mouth opening wider and wider. Impossibly wide, sucking up all the space in the room. Not even a face anymore, just a mouth swallowing me. Swallowing the world.

I fell down my own gullet. Tumbling deeper and deeper, bouncing against the lining of our esophagus. Miss Octavia bent over me, her hoof resting against my forehead, something metallic in my mouth. I fumbled to pull it out and fell out of the esophagus. I landed in a dark place. Morning sun shone through the curtains. I was strapped to a bed in the dungeon, me standing over me, a whip floating next to her. I stared down at the me in bed. I had to crack the whip. Had to. Needed to. Every inch of my body screamed at me to do it.

The whip lashed. Our bodies screamed and sang together to the tune of the whip’s cracks. Again and again. Faster and faster. The song reached its crescendo, the two of us sang one final drawn-out note as our song ended. We panted, exhausted for a long moment, both of us covered in sweat, and collapsed into each other.

I tumbled out of my mouth, back on to the bed. I was– I was– I bolted out of bed, clawing my way towards the door. This wasn’t my room. Everything was wrong. Why wasn’t I in my room? I bolted forward and collapsed on to the ground. Ka-thunk. The door opened, a gray mare trotted in. Gray mare. Octavia. I was in Miss Octavia’s room.

Miss Octavia trotted over and lifted me back into my bed. Her bed. “You look better than you did last night,” she said, tucking me back in. “Although, to be fair, I had Vinyl on stand-by last night to fetch my doctor.” She sighed at that for some reason and swallowed something on her tongue. She checked my forehead again. “Still hot, but not scalding. Do you feel like eating anything today?”

“Yes,” I said, flopping back on the bed and looking at the ceiling. It didn’t move this time. Yay. “Soup.” I burrowed under the sheets, struggling to keep warm. “Is there still soup?”

She nodded. “There is. I’ll be back in a few minutes, just… stay comfortable, I suppose.”

***

I sat down in the living room and stared at the clock. Twelve more hours until the year was over. “Come on, please,” I said, pleading with Miss Octavia. “I’m feeling way better today than I was yesterday, and I wasn’t feeling that bad yesterday. Let me go to Pinkie’s party. It’ll be her last party this year.”

“By definition,” Octavia said, rolling her eyes. “And you know good and well that she already has a Break in the New Year Bash planned for tomorrow starting at 12:01.”

“But I’m feeling better,” I said, trying not to stomp my hooves. It wouldn’t help me get what I wanted, even though I wanted to do it. Huh. What was I supposed to do when I wanted two things? Ugh, I really needed to talk to Bright Lights.

“You are,” Octavia said. “But you’re still recovering, and I don’t want to risk you getting sick again. It would be irresponsible of me to let you go.”

“Come on,” Vinyl said, poking her head in from the kitchen. “The kid looks great, and she already has it hard enough for the holidays without her parents or sister, you don’t want to add to that by keeping her from Pinkie’s party, do you?”

Miss Octavia sighed and rubbed her forehead. “Fine. You can go, Sweetie, but the instant you start feeling under the weather, we’re going home. Agreeable?”

I nodded and exploded into a giant hug that wrapped around Octavia. “Thank you, Octavia, and I promise everything will be totally fine. I feel great.”

She sighed as I bolted towards the door. “I really wish ponies would stop saying that.”

***

I trotted around the party in the town hall, hoping to see one particular pony. A lot of ponies were gathering near the dance floor while Pinkie worked on setting up a sound system that went from the stage to the ceiling, but a few were hanging out near the refreshments. My eyes went to the drink table. Whoever had made the adult punch and foal punch had decided to make them the same color. My mind filed that away for later. Octavia and Vinyl were sitting at a table near the drink and snack tables. I smiled and trotted over to them.

“Hey,” I said, taking a seat closer to Vinyl than Octavia. “What are you all doing?”

“Enjoying the last few minutes of comparative silence,” Octavia said, pointing a hoof towards the giant speakers being set up on the stage. “Before somepony–”

“Before somepony makes this party way more awesome,” Vinyl said, slipping on her magenta goggles. “And you know you love my music, or was I dreaming that time I caught you listening to my mixes after your shower?”

Octavia smiled and kissed Vinyl’s cheek. “Your music is wonderful and a terrific way to wake up the senses after a night’s rest. My objection is with the volume at which you play it. Music is best enjoyed when it doesn’t dominate the ears.”

“Whatever you say,” Vinyl said, grinning at Octavia. “But you still came to the party.”

“To support you and keep an eye on Sweetie Belle,” Octavia said. “I doubt you’ll be able to keep a good eye on her while you’re playing.”

“Uh-huh,” Vinyl said, nodding her head and glancing back at the stage. “You say that, but all I’m hearing is that you love my music best when it’s played nice and loud.” She laughed. “I should probably go finish setting up, but I’ll see you in a few hours.”

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Octavia said while Vinyl got to her hooves.

“Oh, right,” Vinyl said, lighting her horn up and pressing the tip of it against Octavia’s temple. Whatever spell she’d collected flowed into Octavia, who gave Vinyl an approving nod.

“Thank you, dear,” Octavia said, giving Vinyl a quick appreciative kiss before Vinyl trotted over to the stage. Octavia turned to look back at me. “A noise dampening spell so I can actually hear myself think.”

“Can you hear me, then?” I asked, raising my voice.

“I can,” she said, taking a sip of her– she was drinking water? Really? “The spell doesn’t muffle normal sounds, just loud ones. If you want a better explanation on the mechanics, I’d recommend asking your acting teacher, as she invented it.”

“Really?” I asked, momentarily forgetting her weird thing with not drinking alcohol and tilting my head. “I thought Lyra was just all about humans and stuff.”

Miss Octavia shook her head. “Now she is, but back at Celestia’s Academy, she was a rather dedicated student of sonomancy; that’s sound magic. If not for Vinyl’s suggestion to take a course on mythology as a ‘blow-off’ class, Lyra might already have her doctorate; instead… Well, at least Lyra’s obsession is harmless.”

“Huh…” I said, the conversation trailing off. The two of us sat for almost a minute before she took a sip of her drink and I suddenly remembered something I wanted to ask her about. “Why don’t you drink?”

“Because I choose not to,” Octavia said, setting her cup of water down. “Does there need to be any greater reason?”

“But drinking is fun,” I said, trying not to roll my eyes. Being rude to her would be bad for me later. “It just makes me feel so good.”

Miss Octavia’s small smile vanished as she transitioned from being my sister’s friend to being my teacher. “And I don’t need to drink to feel good.”

That was… The back of my neck burned. How dare she talk to me like that. I was trying to be nice and talk to her, and she just threw it back in my face, like I was bad for wanting to drink. Well– I didn’t need her lecturing and telling me what to do. Her, Rarity, Scootaloo, and Apple Bloom: They were all the same, always trying to tell me what to do. Trying to control me. I didn’t need them though, I had Bright Lights, and she didn’t just accept me for how I was, she liked it. Unlike everypony else, she encouraged me to be myself instead of trying to make me feel bad about it.

“I’m going to see if Bright Lights is here,” I said, getting to my hooves and somehow managing not to yell at her. My head pounded and throbbed as I walked away and Vinyl’s music clicked on and made my eardrums pound. I thought I liked Miss Octavia. Sure, she was a bit boring and bossy, but she also didn’t treat me special or anything, but then! Friends don’t say that about friends. I’m happy. Happier than her. Happier than everypony.

A pair of forehooves covered my eyes, and I swiveled around to push whoever it was away. I didn’t want to talk right–

Bright Lights staggered backwards, some of her punch spilling as she did, and mouthed something I couldn’t hear because Vinyl’s music was definitely way too loud. What’s the point of going to a party if you can’t hear people talk? I mean, I guess if you just wanted to dance or something it would be okay but– She tilted her head towards the exit. Outside? Yeah, that would work a lot better for talking. I followed her out the door.

“So,” Bright Lights said as the door shut behind us leaving us standing under a winter moon, “rough night?”

“I guess,” I said, frowning. “I’d really prefer it if we didn’t talk about it, though, I’m not really up for… I thought she was my friend.”

Bright Lights gave me one of those smiles she loved so much. A smile that screamed she knew a joke I didn’t. “It seems false friends are all too common these days, Sweetie. You should cherish those who care about you for you, and don’t try to place their judgments upon you.” She leaned in and stroked my mane. “Lucky for you, you have one such pony.”

“Thanks,” I said, smiling and leaning in to kiss her. Our lips connected and the heat of her breath entered my throat. As we kissed, Bright Lights pulled me away from the entrance to the town hall towards a less noticeable side-entrance. “Where would I be without you?”

“Probably living the lie you almost drowned yourself with.” She gave my cheek another kiss. “Now, I have a little present for you.”

“What is it?” I asked, my eyes going wide. “Is it a–”

She kissed me again and whatever I’d wanted to say died on my lips. “You made a request of me last time we met, and I’m here to fulfill it.” Her horn lit up and she floated a pill bottle out of her saddlebags. “Happy pills. I didn’t know if your interests were in relaxation and ecstasy, so I settled on Joy. It seemed to fit you.”

“Really?” I asked, grabbing the pill bottle with my own magic and drawing it close to me. “This will make me happy?”

“As you’ve ever been. Now, I can only afford one bottle a month, so try to make it last. I promise, do what I request, let your name become a household item, and you’ll have as much Joy as you want.”

Instead of answering, I unscrewed the bottle and popped a pill into my mouth. Bright Lights offered me a sip of her drink and I greedily chugged it down. “How’d you get the alcohol?” I asked as I finished off her drink. I don’t know what the drink they were serving was, but it was blue and tasted kind of like lemonade.

Bright Lights just smiled and lit her horn up, shifting into a version of her that looked a lot older. “I grew up backstage on Bridleway. My parents were stagehands. I know how to cast an illusion spell like you know how to sing.

“So, should we go get some more of the blue lemonade?” she asked, opening the side door into town hall. “After all, you must be thirsty after taking that pill.”

I nodded as she floated the pill bottle back into her saddlebags. Nothing sounded better.

***

I danced with Bright Lights in time with the throbbing of Vinyl’s bass. My whole skin sang as I whirled around, taking in every second of the party. The whole world sang in harmony in time with Vinyl’s music, and I was absolutely expansive. I felt like my whole body was growing and inflating and mingling with the rest of the world.

Atoms. The word floated up from science class. My atoms mingled with everypony else’s. Bright Lights was kissing me. Her saliva was mine; my body was hers. We were each others’, and both of us were the world. “This is the best party ever!” I screamed, taking another drink of the blue vodka lemonade. How had I never felt this great before? My mind went back to the bottle of pills now resting in my saddle vest that was checked at the coat closet.

“One minute,” I said, giving Bright Lights a big sloppy kiss before trotting over to Octavia who was still sitting where I’d left her.

“I see you found your ‘friend,’” she said, raising an eyebrow at me. I laughed. We weren’t exactly being subtle, but you know, who cared? She was the best marefriend ever, and I didn’t care who knew it. She was giving me everything I ever wanted.

“I did,” I said, unable to keep myself from laughing. Every word out of my mouth tickled and vibrated in the funniest way. It had been so long since I’d laughed like this, but now the whole world was a joke. “And I’m really sorry about getting mad at you earlier, I just– I don’t know why I’ve been so angry lately.” Okay, so I wasn’t really sorry, but why was I even mad at her? Everything was so wonderful, and Octavia was so super nice, and why would I ever be upset with her? I loved her so much. I loved everything so much.

“Your age is a volatile one, you’re going through that last growth spurt before reaching adulthood, your body is flooded with hormones, and plus you’re supposed to be planning out your entire future. I can understand frustration, Sweetie Belle,” she said, taking a sip of water. She really should try the blue lemonade, it was the best thing ever.

My fever dream came back to me. Me holding a whip, the lash looked brilliant and beautiful, and why was I suddenly thinking about the tip of it stinging Octavia’s cheek? And why was my heart suddenly threatening to pound out of my chest? “... You’re a good mare, Sweetie Belle. Don’t forget that.” Huh? Was she still talking? How long had I been standing here? Probably too long, especially since Bright Lights was waiting for me with more kisses and drinks. Yeah, definitely didn’t need to be standing here.

“Sure thing,” I said, turning and trotting back to where I’d left Bright Lights. I’d apologized to Octavia, so now I could go back to having fun with my marefriend. “Totally.”

***

Bright Lights and I tumbled through ever-shining hours. When we finally came up for air, the music was gone and everypony was staring at the clock. Oh! Was it time? Time for the big countdown? Already? But the night had just started.

“Sweetie, have I mentioned how proud of you I am?” Bright Lights said, smiling at me.

Fifteen seconds left in the year.

I shook my head. “Nope, but I’m always up for ponies telling me how good I am.” I laughed and kissed her cheek. “So tell me!”

Twelve seconds.

“As you wish,” she said, bowing before me. “You’ve just come so far this semester. You aren’t the broken mare desperate for approval that you were at the start; you’ve shed all that baggage off, and freed yourself. You’re strong, liberated, and free to do as you please. There’s nothing left to hold you back.”

Eight seconds.

Ponies were counting down now. I was too, but I was also talking to Bright Lights. Joy was apparently so awesome I could hold two conversations at once. “It’s all because of you, BL, you’re just… the best marefriend ever. Can you even imagine what I’d be like if you weren’t there to guide me?”

Five seconds.

Bright Lights’ eyes twinkled with hidden smoky brilliance and she crinkled her nose. Twinkled and crinkled. Twinkle Crinkle. “I think,” she said as I broke out in laughter at the rhyme, “that the you from even a month ago would find you unrecognizable.”

“Three!”

“Two!”

“One!”

Bright Lights kissed me as the crowd balloons fell. Every atom in my body exploded with the crowd. I smiled as the kiss ended an eternity later. Bright Lights raised her glass up. “To a new year and a better Sweetie Belle!”

I raised my glass with her and looked into her eyes, finally understanding her riddle. Inside me something beautiful and sharp was growing. It could show you exactly what you wanted to see but cut anypony who tried to hurt it. My body burned with an ecstatic fire. Beautiful, sharp, deadly.

Broken.

I shook the last word away and instead celebrated the heat that filled me and consumed me while I echoed Bright Lights’ toast.

“To a new year.”

And a new me.

Author's Note:

So, I'm doing this new thing where I write blog posts that serve as chapter notes so people who don't want a cleaner reading experience can have that and people who like looking at the seems of stories and hearing my thoughts on stuff can read the blog post, which is here.