• Published 7th Apr 2012
  • 2,331 Views, 27 Comments

Joshing - Cloud Wander

Three Earth Ponies discuss the secret origins of Pegasus and Unicorn Ponies. Hilarity ensues.

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The Truth About Pegasus Ponies

The three teamster ponies, Josh, Bill and Blue, after considerable struggle under the hot summer sun, finally attained the top of the big hill just southeast of Ponyville, not far from where the road fell into the Everfree Forest.

“All right,” announced Josh, the lead pony. “I’m calling a halt here, guys. Good work, getting this wagon up to the crest. 10 minute break.”

The three Earth Ponies shed their collars. Bill and Blue moved wearily to the shade of the nearest tree, while Josh went back to examine the wagon.

Looking into the wagon, Josh reviewed the cargo manifest.

Bowling ball: check.

Anvil: check.

Safe: check.

Piano: check.

Ton of bricks.: check.

Everything here but the kitchen sink, thought Josh. Oh, wait, here it is.

Kitchen sink: check.

Good thing we’re hauling this stuff, he thought. If we aren’t careful, a load like this is bound to fall on somepony.

Satisfied that the cargo was secure, Josh moseyed over to where Bill and Blue rested under the trees. Joining his teammates, he drank a little water and nibbled a bit of oatmeal cake.

“That was good work, guys,” Josh said again.

“Yah,” said Bill.

“Yep,” said Blue.

Not much for conversation, sighed Josh.

By and by, Bill glanced up and said, “Cor! There’s a sight!”

In the bright blue sky above the team, a lemon meringue pegasus with a pink frosting mane soared along, a cloud of birds trailing in her wake.

“Thas’ the ticket!” exclaimed Bill. “Jus’ flying along, la-di-da, no hills or rutted roads to deal with!”

“And no big wagons to haul!” agreed Blue. “Wouldn’t mind being a pegasus pony, no sir!”

Josh thoughtfully chewed a bit of oatmeal cake as the floating vision of the pegasus filly drifted past the trees and out of sight. He glanced from side to side at his two companions, who gazed wistfully after the filly. He came to a decision. He swallowed, then pushed his tongue firmly into his left cheek.

“You know,” he said slowly. “Pegasus ponies aren’t really ponies. Not proper ponies, anyway.”

“Wuh?” said Bill.

“Whaddaya mean, ‘not proper ponies?’”, asked Blue.

“Well,” said Josh, conversationally. “They’re not actually ponies. They’re actually birds that only pretend to be ponies. As I understand it, they’re really a kind of large turkey that assumes pony form.”

Bill stared at Josh. “Yer daft! ‘Pegasus ponies is birds!’ What are you finking?” Bill’s Trottingham accent became more pronounced when he became excited.

Blue just snorted.

“It’s protective coloration,” declared Josh. “Evolutionary adaptation. That’s all it is.”

“Why would a bird want to pretend to be a pony?” demanded Blue.

“Look around,” said Josh, waving a hoof in the general direction of the Everfree Forest. “Owls. Eagles. Griffons. The odd manticore. If you’re just a turkey, there’s not much of a future for you around these parts. But if you’re a turkey and you’re smart, pony smart, you might think of changing the game. Particularly since you’re the game.

“So brush out your feathers to look like a proper coat and mane. Trim the beak a bit. Special shoes to hide the claws. Act like you own the place. Be a pony. The owls and eagles will leave you alone, the griffons will probably steer clear. Even a manticore will think twice. You’ll live a little longer. Get a little respect from the ground plodders like you and Bill.” He gently shouldered Blue. “Evolution in action, that’s all.” He took a bite of cake.

“Oh, rot!” said Bill, grinning.

“Horseapples!” said Blue.

Josh searched the sky and soon spotted a male pegasus sailing high above. “Here, I’ll prove it,” he said. Leaning back, he emitted an ear-splitting whistle. The pegasus glanced down. Josh waved for him to come down.

The pegasus swooped down and hovered. A pegasus was smart not to land this close to the Forest, even in the company of other ponies. “Can I assist you gentlecolts?” he inquired, curiously.

“Well,” said Josh, in a neighborly way. “My friends and I were wondering if you could answer a question for us.”

“Certainly, if I can,” said the pegasus, politely.

Sorry, pal. But it’s for a good cause, thought Josh. He pursed his lips, then asked, “Are you really a great big turkey or what?”

The pegasus looked at the three ponies, at first with incomprehension, then astonishment, then anger. “What?! What is that?! A turkey!” he spluttered. “Of all the… I’ve got better things to do than deal with the likes of you! Good day, sirs!” With a furious flurry of wings, the pegasus went swiftly aloft and out of sight.

“There you have it,” said Josh, gesturing towards the empty sky. “Ask them about their big secret and they get all huffy. Notice he didn’t deny it! Proof positive, I say.”

Bill and Blue looked at each other, slowly absorbing this sugarcube of wisdom.

“Well, it might make more sense than regular ponies suddenly sprouting wings,” offered Bill, tentatively.

“It’s plumb loco, that’s what it is!” exploded Blue. “Look, what about the legs? A turkey has two! A pegasus has four! And wings! Explain that!”

“A pegasus’s forelegs are fake, made of wood,” explained Josh, patiently. “They just wear them to blend in. Oh, sure, they can stand around in ‘em, maybe hobble around a bit like they’re on crutches. But really, when you see ‘em, they aren’t walking. They’re flying low. You just watch them the next time you’re in town. You’ll see that I’m right!”

Blue hopped up and down. “Neigh! Neigh! Neigh! You’ve got to be wrong, and I can prove it! Look, we were all in the last Running of the Leaves, right? I distinctly remember you and Bill galumphing along at the back.”

Josh shrugged. “OK. We were there. So?”

“So! You member Rainbow Dash, right? She’s a pegasus pony! She was there too, running along with the rest of us, running as fast as anypony! Wings tied! No flying! There’s no way that those forelegs were made out of wood. There, got you!” Blue stamped, triumphantly.

Josh placed a gentle foreleg over Blue’s withers. He gave other pony the quiet, bemused look of a teacher correcting a beloved but errant pupil. “Oh, Blue, of all ponies, you had to choose Rainbow Dash to prove your point. You understand that Rainbow Dash is… not like other ponies, don’t you?”

Blue squinted skeptically at Josh. “Whaddaya mean?”

“Rainbow Dash is… different.”

“Different? How?”


“What are you talking about?” Blue persisted.

Josh waggled a foreleg in the air. “She’s… you know…”

Blue and Bill looked at each other, perplexed.

“The rainbow mane practically gives it away,” said Josh.

“What are you on about?” asked Bill.

Josh sighed, loudly. “All right. I shouldn’t be telling you this, but look.” He waved the two ponies closer. “Rainbow Dash is…”

“Yeah, yeah?” urged Bill.

Josh stopped. Looked left. Looked right. No eavesdroppers. Good.

“Rainbow Dash is…”

“What?!” cried Blue.

… A Princess, ” whispered Josh.

“NEIGH!” cried Bill and Blue, rearing back in chorus.

Silently, and with great solemnity, Josh crossed his heart, flapped his forelegs and punched himself in the eye.

“Everypony knows this, but nopony talks about it,” he said, in a heavy voice. “Rainbow Dash is no true pegasus. She’s the unacknowledged daughter of our beloved Princess Celestia.”

“Neigh! That can’t be true,” cried Blue. “Princess Celestia has a horn! Long as your foreleg! Where’s Rainbow Dash’s horn, I ask you? Nowhere, that’s where!”

“Rainbow Dash takes after her father a bit,” admitted Josh.

“Her Da’ being…?” asked Bill.

“Well, I won’t name names, but I understand he’s a VIP. A very important pegasus.”

“Arrgh!” shouted Bill. “Are you sayin’ that Princess Celestia, monarch of all Equestria, did it with a giant turkey?!

Josh spread his forelegs. “Well, that’s why nopony talks about it.”

Bill and Blue dropped on their haunches, stunned. They had had a glimpse of a new, stranger world, and they didn’t like it one bit, no sir.

Now, as often happens in Equestria, obeying as it does the laws of thematic causality, the object of this discussion suddenly hurtled into the scene. Rainbow Dash, streaking along, spotted the teamsters below and zoomed towards them, braking to a hover at the last second.

“Hay, Josh!” she said.

“Hay, Princess,” said Josh, with some affection.

Rainbow Dash giggled and looped delightedly at the compliment. “I’m looking for Fluttershy,” she said. “Have you guys seen her around?”

Josh pointed down the road and over the trees. “She was flying that way a few minutes ago.”

“Hay, great, thanks!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash. She then stopped, looking puzzled. “Um… what’s with your friends?”

Josh glanced around. Bill and Blue were kneeling, prostrate in the royal Presence.

Struggling to suppress an eyeroll, Josh looked back up at Rainbow Dash. “Dropped a contact lens,” he replied blandly. “My friends are helping me look for it.”

“Oh,” said Rainbow Dash. “Why aren’t you helping them look for it?”

“Dropped a contact lens. Can’t see to look for it, can I?”

“OK, that makes sense,” said Rainbow Dash. “Well, good luck with finding it, Josh. Gotta go!” With a flick of her wings, she was a blaze of motion, neatly outracing the question of how a half-blind pony could possibly have sighted Fluttershy flying by.

Bill and Blue, relieved of the stress of Rainbow Dash’s regard, sat up.

“Cor! Thas’ brilliant, that is,” said Bill. “You on a first-name basis with a Princess an’ all!”

Josh shrugged. “I have connections in high places, on account of my discretion.”

“But shouldn’t you have knelt a bit, what with ‘er being royalty?”

“Discretion,” admonished Josh. “I’m not supposed to know she’s a Princess, right?”

“Ah, right, right…”

Blue asked, “‘kay, but what was all that business about losing a contact lens?”

Josh jabbed a hoof at his teammates. “I was covering for you two. You’re not supposed to know she’s a Princess, either!”

“You’re right, we almost messed up,” said Blue. Then: “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on. Just now, you called her ‘Princess’ to her face! What about that, huh?”

Josh looked at him. “It’s not a secret to her, now is it?”

“Ah, no, you’re right,” said Blue. “Good point.” Blue and Bill nodded sagely.

“Well, I think we’ve rested here long enough,” said Josh, hoisting the water bag. “Harness up, you two.”

Bill and Blue walked back to the wagon and slipped back into their collars. Josh checked the straps, then shrugged into his own rig.

“You’re a deep one, Josh,” said Bill with admiration. “How did you come to know so much?”

“No great secret there. My family’s motto is: there’s one born every minute.”


“I mean: you learn something new every day.” Josh leaned into the harness. “All right, you plodders. Giddyup!”