Scene 005
Fluttershy paced back and forth continuously, the concerned stares of her animal friends unnoticed as she looked at the floor.
“Oh, what’s taking her so long?” she asked to no one in particular, “I asked her to come over several hours ago! I told her I had something very important I needed to say, but she still isn’t here!”
Filled with despair, the yellow pegasus began to sob for what must’ve been the zillionth time since she realised she was in love with Rainbow Dash. Whenever she began to think negative thoughts – how badly Rainbow might react when she revealed how she felt, how she had many opportunities to tell Rainbow how she felt in the past but had always chickened out, how sometimes it seemed that Rainbow would rather hang out with one of their friends instead of her, her oldest friend – she would begin to bawl her eyes out like there was no tomorrow, much to the annoyance of her animal friends; at first they shared sympathy for her, but the seemingly perpetual crying had quickly become an irritation to all of them. Still, they reluctantly comforted her, praying to the princesses that Equestria’s fastest flier would hurry up and get there soon.
Their prayers were quickly answered as a knock was heard at the door, startling Fluttershy and causing her to gasp. Swiftly recovering, she immediately wiped away her tears and tidied her mane before heading over to the door. Taking a deep breath, she opened it, revealing the target of her affection standing on the other side of the door’s threshold. That gorgeous sky-blue coat, those powerful wings, the beautiful magenta eyes…
“Hey Fluttershy, you needed to tell me something?”
The yellow pony’s heart skipped a beat as she realised she was being talked to. “Oh, um… hi Dash, p-please come in...”
Entering the cottage, Rainbow walked into the centre of the living room before turning around to look at Fluttershy expectantly. Her expression quickly changed to one of concern however, as she noticed the distress her friend appeared to be in; the shy pegasus was still standing in the same position she had been in when she opened the door, looking out through the frame as if Rainbow was still on the other side. She also seemed to be trembling slightly.
“Er, Fluttershy?” The yellow pony tensed at the sound of her name, but it went unnoticed by Rainbow, who continued talking after several moments of silence. “Sorry about taking a while to get here, I had a few weather jobs to take of… um, are you okay? You seem sort of shier than usual… at least around me anyway.”
Steeling herself, Fluttershy turned around and looked her friend straight in the eyes.
“Dash, ever since you saved me from those bullies back at flight school, I’ve always felt something towards you – something different to what I feel for our friends. Only recently, after all the trouble I had helping to move the water up to Cloudsdale, did I realise what that feeling is.”
Pausing for a moment to take a deep breath, the demure pony quietly squeaked out “I love you.”
Dash stood still for a moment, attempting to decipher what silent words her friend had just uttered. Eventually however, she decided it was fruitless. “Could you repeat that Fluttershy? You went a little quiet there.”
“I said… I love you,” repeated the shy pegasus, only a little louder.
“I hope you’re not trying to tell me something important, ‘cause I can barely hear you. Come on now, third time lucky-”
“I LOVE YOU!”
“There we go! I heard you that time. Was that real-” began the cyan pony, abruptly stopping as the gears turned in her head and she realised what it was exactly that Fluttershy had actually said.
“You… you love me?”
Fluttershy hesitated, then nodded rapidly in response.
Rainbow’s eyes widened…. then closed tightly as she facehoofed in irritation. “Darn it Fluttershy! Now you’ve got repressed memories of mine surfacing! Ugh.”
The expression on her face changed once again, but this time it held no emotion whatsoever. It was expressionless. Her body became stock still and her eyes stared straight ahead at nothing; then without warning, it flipped, landing her flat on her back, hooves sticking right up into the air.
As if to add insult to apparent injury, all the colours drained from her body until she was as grey as when Discord had affected her.
“Rainbow!” Fluttershy rushed over and attempted to rouse the monochrome pony – yelling her name, shaking her, pretending the Wonderbolts were just outside the door.
It didn’t work. Despite her best efforts, Dash remained on her back, eyes wide open, body like a fallen but intact statue.
Realising her attempts were futile, she lifted the statue-pony onto her back, and using all the energy she could muster, ran as fast as she could to the library, ignoring everypony she bumped into on the way.
Bursting through the door to the hollowed out tree, she dropped Rainbow onto the floor, the proceeded to collapse alongside her, gasping for air.
For some reason, all of her other four friends were there. They rushed over, looks of worry plastered on their faces, barraging her with questions.
“What happened?”
“Is Dashie okay?”
“Why is she grey?”
“What on Earth is going on dear?”
“I don’t know!” yelled the worn out pegasus at normal speaking volume, “I confessed and told her I love her – just like you four told me to do when I came to each of you for advice, even though none of you have any real romantic experience – and then she got annoyed and said ‘repressed memories are surfacing’ and-”
“Wait wait wait,” interrupted Twilight, “repressed memories surfaced? Then she turned grey and apparently contracted rigor mortis?”
“Yes…”
A collective ‘ugh’ was heard as everyone except Fluttershy facehoofed.
“What does that-”
“Damn it Fluttershy, what did you do?!” interrupted Twilight yet again.
“I-I just told her I love her, like I said – like you told me to!”
“Well you must’ve done it wrong because now she’s in one of those magical coma things!”
“Magical… coma?”
“This is going to be so boring,” muttered Pinkie Pie to Rarity, “now we’re going to be stuck watching Dash doing nothing for hours.”
“Sugarcube, sugarcube is stuck in a dream-state, continuously dreaming over and over, and she can’t be woken by normal means. You have to enter her dreams sugarcube, and fix whatever is wrong in that featherbrain head of hers,” stated Applejack.
“Enter her d-dreams?”
“Yes!” continued Twilight, “And you have to fix it quickly, otherwise she’ll die or go brain-dead for some reason.”
“I also broke my wings,” piped up Rainbow Dash, lifting her head slightly to look at Fluttershy and Twilight as they turned to listen to her, “y’know, when I fell on my back? Anyway I’m in a coma.”
“Great,” said Twilight sarcastically as she turned back to the shy pegasus, while Rainbow returned to her original position, “so she broke her wings too. That means once you’re done here, you’ll have to take her back to your cottage and look after her until they’re healed. You’ll have to put up with her constant moaning about being unable to fly too, though I’m sure your feelings for each other and thereby your relationship will develop even more during her stay. But first things first – get in her head and sort her out.”
“How am I meant to-”
“A herbal potion for the pegasus mare; all it needs is a dash of hair.”
Everyone looked at the source of the new voice, startled by its sudden appearance.
“Zecora? Where the hay did you come from?” questioned the purple unicorn.
“You need me, do you not? I came as fast as I could trot,” came the simple answer.
“But how did you… ugh, nevermind.”
“Zecora,” began Fluttershy, “is it true? Is Rainbow really in a coma? Do I really have to enter her dreams?”
The zebra took a moment to inspect the pony on the floor before nodding. “You can see it in her eyes – Rainbow Dash has gone beddy-byes.”
The yellow pegasus released a sigh. “Okay, what do I have to do?”
Producing a vial from the saddlebags she was carrying, Zecora took a hair from Rainbow’s head and dropped it into the green liquid within, causing it to bubble and fizz for a moment. Then she gave it to Fluttershy. “Drink this herbal potion and you will see, it will put you to sleep easily.”
“We’ll stay here and watch over you both while you help Dash,” assured Twilight, albeit reluctantly.
“Okay…” was all the pegasus said - more to herself than anyone else – as she drank the potion and laid down next to Rainbow.
“Please don’t take too long Fluttershy,” pleaded Pinkie, boredom already present in her voice, “I have other stuff I planned to do today – there's cakes to bake, pranks to pull, and I haven’t reached today’s quota of random yet!”
“Don’t you worry none sugarcube, me and the sugarcubes will still be here when you wake up. Now go on, go help sugarcube!” encouraged Applejack.
As darkness swiftly closed around her vision, the last thing she heard was Rarity say “Well, I suppose we best get comfortable,” before she drifted off into a deep sleep, her mind joining with Rainbow’s as she entered her dreams.
-----
Several hours of surrealism, emotional and physical battles, challenges where Fluttershy had to become assertive and lots of crying later, the pegasi awoke and immediately embraced each other, tears of joy staining Rainbow’s coat as it returned to its original colour.
“Oh thank Celestia for that, took you long enough,” said Pinkie, exasperated.
Once the crying eventually subsided, the two pegasi had declared their love for each other and everyone had wished them well, Twilight felt compelled to ask something she had been wondering the entire time.
“So Dash, what memories surfaced that drove you into the coma?”
“Oh, u-um,” began the cyan pony, a sheepish smile on her face, “back in flight school, I-I got picked on a lot for people thinking I was a… a fillyfooler. Back then it wasn’t true but they used to torment me about it constantly, and I’ve been in denial ever since. Until today of course.”
The unicorn’s expression deadpanned. “That’s it? You got picked on back in school and that’s what drove you into a coma today? Seriously? There was a kid back at my school who always got picked on for having a ginger mane, and he grew up fine! Didn’t affect him at all; he just brushed it off. But you get picked on and end up going into a coma because of it?”
Dash’s smile only turned more sheepish as she slowly nodded.
“That’s really, really… oh never mind. Go back to Fluttershy’s cottage and let her look after your wings; I’ve got studying to catch up on.”
And so, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash returned to the cottage. Rainbow’s wings eventually recovered, the relationship between the two developed further, and them and their four friends lived happily ever after.
Until all but one of the six died of old age or illness, leaving the remaining one to reminisce about times gone by and the death of each of her friends, until she too dies while sitting in front of their graves.
THE END
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Quick notes: No offense is meant to anyone who has written a story with this kind of story. I've read plenty of stories with the same storyline and enjoyed most - if not all - of them (I'm eagerly awaiting the next update for one such story right now). The only reason I got the idea to write this is exactly because of that; I've read plenty of those stories.
Also, this was written relatively quickly (for me) as I wanted to get the idea out of my head so I could continue writing other things I'm in the middle of. It's because of this that the quality of it is pretty poor.
Fun fact: This is now the second chapter/story I've written on paper first.
Oh lawl
I got every cliche besides the whole coma thing. I've yet to run into a fic containing that.
Anyways, great job.
I like story.
419856
The Party Never Ended by Butterscotch Sundae and some Appledash fic I can't remember by someone with a J in their name. Anyway, this fic hits the cliches right on the head, from the obligitory Zecora apperance(if a ship fic goes beyond a chapter, there's a 95% chance she'll pop up for some reason) to the angst(guilty of this in a fic I will never upload here) and of course RD's "I was bullied as a filly because they thought I was a fillyfooler but i wasn't till now"(....see last parentheses). Loved it!
“I also broke my wings,” piped up Rainbow Dash, lifting her head slightly to look at Fluttershy and Twilight as they turned to listen to her, “y’know, when I fell on my back? Anyway I’m in a coma.”
Brilliant. That and most of Applejack's dialogue had me literally laughing out loud.
"Sugarcube, sugarcube is stuck in a dream-state, continuously dreaming over and over, and she can’t be woken by normal means. You have to enter her dreams sugarcube,"
Yep, that sounds about right for most Applejack dialogue
I've written shipping before, and this just goes to solidify that I wrote it well! Made me laugh
Good for you!
Well, this made me laugh more than it should have. At the very least, I can feel comfortable knowing my shipfic contains none of those cliches.
Fucking comedy gold.
Oh Applejack, you so silly.
The ending was kinda dark don't you think?
Cliches done so wrong they were great! Even better, it was made to make fun of said cliches. Brilliant!
Job well done. Many chuckles were given.
Genuine B-Movie quality shipping. Far too bad to call it good, but just good enough to finish reading with a few laughs along the way.
Funny, very clever
i haven't read much shipping although i did like the story in this one. I wish that the story of what happened in rainbow's mind was actually told because it seems like that would be where most of the plot occurs
Blimey, it's nice to come home from work and see people liked something I wrote most of between lunch and dinner yesterday. Thank you all
420401 421464
I may have misread or misinterpreted your comments, but I think you both may have missed that this was not intended to be a shipping story, but a parody of shipping stories. It's basically a light-hearted piss-take of shipping storylines I seem to see a lot of. Tspaztic, that's why there isn't a story of what goes on in Rainbow's head, other than the quick summary of what basically happens in each 'Rainbow is in a coma and needs someone to sort her dreams out' story that I've read. Though if you haven't read much shipping though, as you say, then you probably won't know a lot of the cliche storylines I've used in this parody.
Of course, if I have misread/misinterpreted both of your comments, then please ignore me, my brain is a bit dead from spending 6 hours at work with nothing to do.
420094
It's just another common storyline I've seen, although not too often related to shipping. I thought I'd throw it in there anyway though.
All but one of the mane six have died, and the remaining one goes on a journey to their graves (or something similar) and then talks to the graves and remembers past times, before dying themselves and joining their friends in one way or another.
Usually the remaining pony is either Applejack (due to her eating healthy and staying in shape with applebucking), Twilight (due to her being the main character of the show, also magic), or Rainbow Dash (due to her being loyal to her friends and so not leaving them through death).
Quite often, if it's Twilight, Celestia gets involved, and if it's Rainbow, Scootaloo gets involved.
But to answer your question, no I don't think it was dark at all. But then, I laughed when I read Cupcakes, so maybe I'm heartless. Or I've spent too much time on the internet.
Probably both.
421653 It wasn't dark.
Then again, I also laughed while reading cupcakes
421653 I'm easily misinterpretable.
I understand it is a parody. I suppose my initial comment was a bit nebulous. I have trouble rating parodies like this. The writing is technically fine (grammar and spelling), but the forced 'bad' execution of ideas, even in jest, is still 'bad' writing that can only be called 'good' when done on purpose for the sake of parody. I personally consider most parodies of cliches and bad writing to still be poor writing, as they often have to use poor style, execution, and/or ideas to work as a parody, even if I find them entertaining. This is the B-movie concept I was poking at. Just because it is bad doesn't mean it can't be entertaining, but simply being entertaining does not make it good.
You accomplished what you set out to do and made it compelling enough to finish reading despite the forced poor writing style. It works fine as a parody and nothing else. Heck, as I said before, I even laughed at parts.
I hope that clears things up a bit.
Yep, that about sums it up.
I don't need to read another fic ever again.
...but I will.
This is gold.
Until all but one of six died of old age or illness, leaving the remaining one to reminisce about times gone by and the death of each of her friends, until she too dies while sitting in front of their graves.
This was darn funny. Seen all of these in one or two stories. lol
"You can see it in her eyes. Rainbow Dash has gone beddy-byes."
That was brilliantly terrible writing for Zecora. Excellent job
The 'everybody hates flutterdash' story.
Pure gold.
Reading this story, I felt like such a prick when I kept seeing elements of my own story everywhere. God damn it, TAKE MY MUSTACHE!
It's a cliche storm of awesome, I approve.
421855 Indeed it does, thank you
I hadn't though of that before, but it makes a lot of sense. Very wise.
423231 I have to admit that I was hoping someone would mention that; beddybyes is the word my dog knows as meaning bedtime. It randomly popped into my head while I was writing this and I decided I wanted to use it for some reason.
425191 Your story was one of the ones I had in my head when I wrote this, although I didn't think about it as much as the others due to it just having the coma + dreams thing.
Also, hurry up and update it! I enjoy Dreams of Loyalty.
Heh, I cracked up every time AJ spoke. You know, sugarcube. All the sugarcubing and such, sugarcubę.
I approve, but wish you included the remaining members of the mane six finding romantic partners for no apparent reason in a short amount of time.
And briefly mention Dr. Whooves.
The beginning kinda reminded me of my story... and then BAM! coma.
Hey there, sugarcube, buy some apples sugarcube.
Good job annihilating the cliches, this was wonderful reading.
Brohoof for my very first fave. /)
--576 Belligerent Coil was here
419949 You mean the bit that KILLED me: “Don’t you worry none sugarcube, me and the sugarcubes will still be here when you wake up. Now go on, go help sugarcube!” encouraged Applejack.
I literally died.
.......... Me gusta. I love the entire concept! I especially love the scathing accuracy with which you lampooned the most common crutches of the genre. I'll definitely be watching you and up-voting this. It's pure gold. My favorite bit was when RD conveniently broke her wing and woke up just to impart that fact. But she's still in a coma. Literally lolled which made all my co-workers look at me like I was crazy.
-Shiloh
It's hard to do "intentionally bad" for laughs and pull it off, but you nailed it. Others have said it already, but the "I also broke my wings... anyway I'm in a coma" bit was brilliant.
'Party Hasn't Ended' by Butterscotch Sundae! You hit that one HARD man!
Silver out!
Sounds like Fading Colors by J-Webb