...and I need something more, from you.
Twilight was boiling water for tea, as was customary for company. Even if said company despised tea. Twilight swore to look into the origin and function of some social customs one of these days, but more pressing matters awaited her attention, as interesting as the purpose of serving tea to any houseguest one may have could be.
“You know this has to stop, Rainbow. She’s killing you.” She called out from the kitchen and her social obligation.
“I’ll be just fine. And I told you, I don’t want any damn tea, just an ice pack or whatever’s frozen”
“No, you will NOT be ‘fine’, Rainbow Dash.” Twilight slammed the kettle and the china she had been preparing down “Your girlfriend hits you. That is, by no measure of anypony’s sanity, an okay thing!” Twilight Sparkle was now closing the gap between kitchen stove and dinner table cum family room.
“Look, Gilda and I are just…different.” Rainbow hesitated, searching for the appropriate wording that would give as little ground to argument as possible “We’re both just very passionate, and sometimes…shit gets heated.”
“I have had heated debates with the greatest minds Equestia has ever known, and none of them have ever come anywhere close to two black eyes.” Twilight said as she leaned over exceedingly close to Rainbow’s face.
“You act like this is such a huge deal!” Rainbow shouted as she tossed her forelegs up in the air, as if to say ‘here’s your open target, I dare you to take a shot’.
“It IS a huge deal when you will not let me take you to the hospital because TWO black eyes might mean you have a subdural hematoma, and subsequently brain damage!” Twilight replied, as she reclined to her haunches and folded her forelegs in a gesture that suggested she had just played a move in a chess game against an Equestrian grand master that would be studied for decades to come.
“No, griffons have a size advantage AND they have talons! You can smack someone with a hoof all you want, but that shit doesn’t have the force behind it that a balled fist does, believe that.” Rainbow pointed accusingly, “And you KNOW her personality! She’s just as fiery as I am, and that’s why I love her. So back the fuck off!”
During Rainbow’s tirade of self defense, Twilight merely raised an eyebrow in disbelief and mulled over what she had been told. “So…following your logic, if you won an argument with Gilda, you’d go ahead and beat the piss out of her for no other reason than ‘you were right’ in the argument”.
Check.
“WHAT!? I would NEVER, in a million years, hit her!”
“…then what makes it okay for her to hit you?” Twilight asked in a demure voice, barely above a whisper.
“It’s not okay to hit me.” Rainbow replied confidently, puffing out her chest at the sheer absurdity that anything could be allowed to walk all over the world famous Pegasus.
“Oh yeah? Then why am I here, week after week, treating another black eye? Or another dislocated wing? Or any other injury you never admit she causes but any idiot who was taught base evidence gathering and pattern recognition could conclude?”
“…there’s a difference between being okay and having happened” Rainbow sighed as she deflated, her egotistical shield now thoroughly punctured and deflated.
“Rainbow, listen to me.” Twilight cupped Rainbow’s muzzle in her hooves and forced her gaze to meet hers “I only want what’s best for you. I want to see you be happy. And I mean really, truly, care-free happy. I can see how fake the smile you put on is, especially when you come here instead of the hospital, because I ask fewer questions.”
“Ya did until today, egghead. Now I’m reconsidering coming here” Rainbow replied, pulling away from the grip with an attitude.
Twilight knew she had gambled on saying anything. It had been eleven months, nearly a year, since Gilda and Dash had gotten back together. Seven months since she had started showing up with bruises that Twilight knew weren’t from crashes. You don’t get a vertical series of three bruises and cuts along with a bruise and cut that was level to the middle of the series by accident. Especially on the upper limb, repeatedly. It had only been two months since Dash had admitted the injuries weren’t from flying.
It had been ten months since Twilight realized she had a massive crush on the Pegasus.
“Look, I’m not trying to pry. I know what I know, and that’s a secret I will take to the grave. But if this is beyond what I’m able to treat then we need to go to the emergency room! If I see signs of cerebral edema then I will not let it go by in someone I care about!”
“I said it’s FINE! Why do you care so fucking much about my health?” Rainbow shouted, as she closed the distance between them again, this time with purpose and anger “HUH!? TELL ME THAT!”
“You want to know why I care so much, Rainbow?”
“Yes! Yes I do, because you seem VERY interested in my relationship all the sudden!”
“BECAUSE YOU DESERVE BETTER! YOU DESERVE SOMEPONY WHO DOESN’T HIT YOU WHEN YOU TWO DISAGREE! WHO ACTUALLY GIVES A SHIT IF YOU’RE HURT! SOMEPONY WHO DOESN’T LOCK YOU OUT OF YOUR OWN FUCKING HOME WHEN YOU MIGHT HAVE BRAIN DAMAGE THAT THEY CAUSED! AND MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE I WANT TO DO THOSE THINGS! EVER THINK OF THAT ONE, JOCKTARD?!”
Rainbow fell to her haunches, stunned. She had hardly ever seen Twilight actually angry, let alone shouting, in the years they had known each other. And she’d bet every last bit she had that in that tirade there was an admission of something, otherwise she wouldn’t be looking away with tears in her eyes.
“I think I’m starting to get it, nerd.” Rainbow muttered, without malice but with a new understanding.
“No, you don’t.” Twilight strained to say. An internal war of wills had come to a decisive battle at a pass; only one side could win out and proceed to more defensible ground. This day, the much smaller force of emotion had defeated the greater empire of logic at the pass. “Because as many hints as I have dropped, I have not alluded to even a tenth of what I actually feel.”
“Then just say it you nerd!”
“I FUCKING LOVE YOU AND I WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS STRUCK BY LIGHTNING, OKAY!?” Twilight shouted out as tears streamed from her eyes, mucus ran from her nostrils, and saliva had swung as if guided by Tarzan himself to the corners of her mouth.
Twilight lowered her head so she didn’t have to look at the stunned Pegasus out of shame. “I knew it would never work with us. We’re just too different, you know? I was actually happy when you got back together with Gilda, all the girls were. However, I was the lucky one to not only harbor a secret crush on you without knowing if you even liked girls, and the one you’d come to for medical advice and patch ups when she beat the tar out of you…” Twilight trailed off.
“You could have said something, you know. A year ago. If it was between you and G, I’d have picked you, you know. Shit, I should just leave that bitch’s ass and ask you out. But I roll different. I haven’t dumped anypony or anyone ever, not going to now. I just gotta focus on making myself be what Gilda wants, ya know?”
“That’s not fair! A relationship isn’t about bending yourself until you break to meet the other’s needs! It’s about middle ground, and compromise!” Twilight pleaded for sanity and reason’s sake.
“Well…for me, it’s making G happy any way that I can. And if it’s telling her that the Barons are better than the ‘Bolts, then so be it.” Rainbow sighed, as she headed for the door “Maybe someday you’ll get your chance. Maybe someday I’ll get tired of her nonsense and I’ll ask you out.”
Rainbow retreated from the door towards Twilight, and gave her a soft, yet lingering, peck on the cheek.
“I’ll see you around, egghead. Thanks for the ice. Who knows what tomorrow brings? Maybe she’ll dump me tomorrow.” Rainbow leaned her forehead against Twilight’s, “But I swear, you better make a move fast or I’ll lose all respect for you.”
Before Twilight could even formulate a coherent thought following the kiss, Rainbow was gone out the door, leaving Twilight with the stark words she had said and a desperate ache in her heart. She would surely cry herself to sleep again that night.
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Oh come on, RD! That isn't loyalty, that's just plain stubbornness! On one side there's an abusive griffon, on the other there is a kind, smart, loving pony. Gee, just go for the griffon, why don'tcha? I hope you (the author) continue this!
4500916 When all you have is a hammer, a whole lot of problems start looking awfully nail like.
4500928
I'm trying to figure out if that was really simple or really deep. I guess it's true though - with the amount of abuse that goes on in households in this day and age there HAS to be an element of truth to it. So, are you going to continue the story?
4500946 Not sure yet, hangover is just starting. When the world stops hurting, I'll post an update.
But the answer will likely be yes, eventually.
Hehehe you better continue dis =P
wow, rainbow. i'm being honest here; i would love to see this continued, but without a happy ending. i'd love to see twilight move on at some point while rainbow is still being gilda's bitch toy, and then have rainbow finally wise up, only to have her realize that she was to slow, and that she missed out on what could have given her true happiness. oh, but i'd still want dash to beat the shit out of gilda before she leaves her.
.....am i a bad person?
4501567 Not a bad person. Just an emotional sadist.
That's not a criticism, I wrote 1500 words about making cartoon horses miserable so I most certainly am.
4502325 um, what's an emotional sadist?
4502338 You take some sort of pleasure/enjoyment from other's suffering. In this case it's emotional rather than physical.
4502358 huh, yeah that sounds like me from time to time.
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2lk9xIsTs1qay8nyo1_1280.jpg
4503914 This is what I'm talking about. I hadn't heard this track yet (I don't know why I don't listen to more Death Cab) but it's a tone setter. Perfectly ambient to what I wanted. Guess when I expand this, this is going to be involved in the process. I used Nada Surf's "Paper Boats" for this.
also Regi comment
4500916
4501420
4501567
Hey. You three. You're getting visited by the notification fairy!
I've officially begun drafting the expanded version. It's progress directly correlates to how much beer/cider I have on hand. I'm not writing after mixed drinks, there's too much here I want to fix as it is. I'm posting from my pool (because I am a baller irl) and just floating around I could double the size of this thing.
I'm also on a manic Vonnegut and Palahniuk binge right now, which is perfect fuel for this. Now I just have a few hurdles to overcome but they're hardly insurmountable.
I have about 500 words drafted for the first chapter, which was all I could do before I passed out last night. I've finally become tired of having to dig through the absolute dreck and shit that litters the front page. I held off on this idea since middle of season 2 when I got hooked. And such an obvious premise hasn't been done? Or if it has it was written with a child like cudgel of violence as its hook. The closest thing I have seen was "Because she can" by Midnight Dancer I believe. And that only got published within the last week! I'm really forced to conclude that the user base has led short and charmed lives and haven't had to witness or go through what I'm writing about themselves. So I'm very curious as to how it will go, but the reception on what was literally a drunk, off the cuff, unedited and not pre read wild shot has encouraged me.
God knows when I'll be ready to post when I actually try. I'm just happy to finally be doing it rather than talking about doing.
4512826 well for as much as i poke at stories like this (in the good way!), i do want to see them flourish. so if you need some help, i'd be glad to! and i can't wait to see what comes of this story!
Dash is just being an arsehole in this, if she really thinks that a relationship is about making the other one happy, she is naïve. Twi needs to move on, go after Pinkie or something, someone who isn't a giant douche.
You've done a good job of making me annoyed with one of my favourite characters. If this has a sequel planned I will be reading it.
4529611 That actually means a lot. I wasn't sure if I could get people to buy the premise in a believable way. I actually expected resistance to the idea that Dash would find herself in that situation because people may dismiss it as "nah she's too bad as for that!"
I am actually honored that you found yourself frustrated, because that was my intention. Watching a stupid circle just spiral, and no one is acting rationally
Okay! This one is difficult. I want to love this story. Bringing in these unsightly scenarios into this universe is a recipe for a like from me. It's approached well and it's handled in a way that seems real--for the most part. You brought the idea to the table and you backed it up. Solid theming. What gets me is how you executed it. There are so many little mistakes. You had a rock solid foundation here, but I did not like what you did with it other than the bare bones aspects. That's a problem.
I'll start with something smaller that popped out while I was reading it. It's how this is written. The dialogue is okay. It won't win any awards, but it fit what you were trying to do. However, the rest of the writing feels awkward and stilted. It almost seems forced in some places, particularly at the start. That doesn't kill the story for me. I've seen much, much worse. Where the problems begin is when the inability to weave emotion into the prose affects the parts of the story that I do like. Instead of writing out descriptions to create a flow, you turned to some other avenues to make everything more intense that did not work. These are things you could have and should have worked into the description or the conversation to heighten the emotions to a fever pitch and build up tension.
First is the language. I'm not against the idea of swearing in an My Little Pony fanfic, but it's something you have to be careful with. It works in stories like Fallout: Equestria due to the gritty tone on top of the changed world and the behavior of ponies in it. Our own curses do not translate well in the majority of cases in the standard My Little Pony universe. They don't fit. It doesn't matter what the story is about as long as we're still in the normal version of that world. The things depicted in this story can happen in that world. I'm fine with that. Dark stories are my thing. But you have to make it fit the world if you're going to bring those elements there. Keep in mind, this was the criticism I had in mind when I saw the word "damn". When I saw the word "jocktard", what had become a petty nitpick that was only just over the line turned into something that became a real issue in your story. By the time f-bombs were dropping, I was exasperated. I've noticed this with a few other words in your story. "Nerd" instead of "egghead". "Girlfriend" and not "marefriend" or whatever you want to use there. You want to make me feel like I'm in that world, not break me out of it by constantly using words only people would use.
Seconds is caps lock. Do not use it. Resist the temptation. It doesn't add emphasis. All it does is make you look unprofessional. The emotion, the tone, the volume, how characters are feeling...those things should all come across with how the dialogue is written and how the prose surrounding it helps it along. Caps lock is not an alternative to that. It doesn't have the same impact.
The next thing that bothered me was how Rainbow and Twilight behaved. Yes, people in these situations act in strange ways. Tensions are high, and people say things that don't fit who they are and how they normally would act. Sure. I'll buy it. But so many other stories have done this without making the characters seem out of character. Even if someone is flying off the handle, they do it in their own unique way. The things that they say and the way they express emotions differ. That's not something you've nailed. Rainbow Dash would not be so bitter and mean-spirited. If she was, this isn't how she would act. Rainbow Dash would defend Gilda. But it would more be self-denial and her trying to hide the emotional pain due to her loyalty, not the over the top display we get at the end where she turns out to be a wannabe gangster. You were close up until that point, but then you seem to totally break off to go in this odd direction. Twilight does much the same.
So...I gotta go with a 4/10 on this one. Just below average.
4763912 I really appreciate the feedback, if I ever rework this I'm going to take it under consideration. I was also seriously drunk when I wrote, edited, and posted this so there's also that.
4764736
You should. Stories like this deserve to exist. I have a little advice if you do. I'll try to keep it brief. The main problems here have to do with structure and characterization, and the two combine to make things more frustrating than they need to be. This goes beyond bad characterization. 99.9% of the story, we have no character to latch onto.
Nothing is established at the start. Your writing doesn't ease us into the story. The story simply begins and rockets off at a breakneck pace. If you want to do something so off the beaten path as far as story goes, that's fine, but you have to give the reader time to process it all and how we got here from the world we all know and love. That's what an opening is for. It introduces us to what we're in for. You don't have to spoil all of your story in it, but there needs to be some attempt to bring the audience up to speed.
As far as characterization...The only insight we get into Twi's mind is some very odd bit about social customs. This isn't how you want to start things off. How about we get an insight into what is going on by Twilight thinking of Rainbow Dash and worrying about her. Let's add some humanity. Twilight doesn't seem to express sadness or hurt well here. She just seems tired. But if you add a scene in the beginning where she doesn't seem fed up with it all, but conflicted as to what she should do, that makes it much better. You can delve into some good territory as far as her wondering whether or not she should tell her friends about Dash and how she should deal with her own feelings. Those problems would mirror real problems that the audience can connect with, and when Dash shows up and Twilight gets heated, we're not left with a character so one-note. Because in the story I saw, Twilight didn't seem to care about Rainbow Dash as much as she was frustrated and upset with her.
Improving the pace by altering that beginning makes all parts of the story benefit here. You leave the audience with a mellow place to start off to ease them into what's to come. They may not know what to expect, but the start of some uncomfortable ideas can work their way into the audience's head and that builds up suspense all on its own. That way when Rainbow shows up and tries to talk to Twilight, things immediately are tense. There's nothing you have to say or do. "Rainbow Dash is in an abusive relationship and Twilight doesn't know how to deal with it, if she can deal with it, or how to handle her own feelings towards Rainbow Dash." gets my immediate attention. The payoff is instant for you and for your readers. But if you don't set that up and just insert it there like, "Oh, this is a thing that's happening now," all the potential for tension is lost as the audience is left confused as to what is going on.
Let's move on to what these characters do. Twilight can't take it anymore and wants Dash to do something. Dash laments the situation but defends her girl. Okay...fine. You can fix that up a bit and the dialogue is okay. What needs work is the tone. We've seen Dash. When it comes to her more private, personal self, she's insecure and she has low self-esteem. Sometimes she doesn't know how to handle things and shuts down, runs away or just feels trapped and cornered. That's not something that shines through that is an easy sympathy factor here. The ending of the story pretty much makes Dash very unlikeable, and that is something that's damn hard to do.
You want someone who is lost. You want to capture that feeling of shame and helplessness, the conflicting feelings of loving someone who hurts you, of not feeling good enough and that it's not that bad/you deserve this feeling. Not to capture that Rainbow Dash is a player. What you want is a vulnerable, hurt, distressed mare that doesn't know what to do or who to trust. Rainbow is fit for this story in a way few characters really are. Use that to your advantage.
Got long-winded, but I love this kinda thing. If you do have any questions or want me to shut my wordy mouth, send a message or something.
I
really think you should continue this it would make a great series.
Man, this would have been perfect if it had slowed down a bit and been edited. Still gets a fav from me, though.
5096690 Thank you, I would like to reiterate I wrote this pretty well drunk and fired it off. Maybe when I get some time I'll revisit the idea and expand. I've got somewhat of a start going already but it's nowhere near a presentable shape. More of an outline and a few scattered scenes that stuck in my head. I would really love to do it, but I want to do it well. This thing was, as I said, a drunken half ass fueled by a realization that in the few years I've been reading shit here that no one has done something very much like it.
Also, I think Regidar was egging me on via skype.
5098356
We're automatically friends now. Just fyi
5098373 The legion of doom continues to form
5098377 so hey, is there ever going to be a sequel?
5692315 Slowly but surely. Unfortunately I'm trying this new thing called "Sobriety" and I can't chemically induce the manic feeling that is my need to write. So I've got some stuff drafted, an outline done, etc but not much final. I really need like another person to bounce ideas off of and what not but I have no friends. So that kinda sucks. I'm stuck in a loop of idea, self analysis of idea, and discarding idea because I convince myself its all terrible.
Which is why 6 months later I haven't posted jack shit. I've got stuff started, I just stop working on it after a session and go back and say "My god, it's horrible" and get discouraged. I tried to go to the FIMfiction IRC but holy hell, what a gigantic group of elitist assholes, basically ran me off.
So, that's where I'm stuck. I'm really sorry, my life is kinda a gigantic mess right now and has been for six months, but hopefully things improve or someone has an idea to help me out. I was trying the Hunter S. Thompson school of writing but, well...that's kinda the cause of most of my problems. Now I gotta find something new.
5696151 Yeah, i know how that feels. wish there was something i could do to help, man. about the only thing i can say is that i truly believe that everything will get better. just keep on pushing through, and eventually things will just fall into place. dosn't sound like much, but that idea's whats kept me going so far.
Looking on the positive end of things, Rainbow Dash actually admitted that leaving would be a good idea. And those last sentences could be interpreted as "save me, you brilliant selfless mare".
:c my sads are great.
Also my appreciation of your mentioning Fight Club is great. My nickname comes from fightclub. My friends call me Mr. Durden. Tyler Durden.
5696151 hello again! so i was going to ask how things were coming along, but after reading the last time we communicated, i'm just gonna assume things are still sucking, writing wise. but then i noticed you said you needed someone to bounce ideas off of! so, i'm offering my services as someone to bounce ideas off of. normally i don't do this, since i prefer the story to be a surprise, but if it can help you out of that funk your in, i'm willing to give it up. just this once.
no pressure to accept, or even continue writing if that is what you wish. just throwing the offer out there.
5885139 Absolutely, feel free to message me. I've got a few things cooking, plus an insane amount of personal drama to sorta fuel the writing. I'd be totally down to show you what I have and where I want to go.
Please, please, PLEASE!!!!!! Make the other part of this story you beautiful drunk bastard this was sooooooo good.
7324274 There are things in motion.
I mean, I wonder what's going on mirror side... perhaps a couple of guys have been writing that? And rest assured there are plans to integrate.
Just imagine this as a Tarantino thing...
7343738
Okiedokielokie!
through the tab silly the one with me and apple jack.
..hello
Pinkie get out of my message!!!! How did you even get in here!?!?
...
Can't wait mate okay take care now
wait tell me if your made first