• Member Since 17th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen March 28th

Fluttershy Phoenix


Stripe is a character I've had for awhile. This is the first time I've ever really put his background into story format. That said, Stripe is a zebra living in his home of Zebrafrica. His mother is in Equestria and sends him notes on a fairly regular basis. Serving in the military, Stripe is frequently away from his home and his loving wife. When he finally returns after one of his missions, he finds that things are not as simple and joyous as they were and that he will be forced to change or be lost forever.
A side note, I did write this in 3 days.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 3 )

Colored a desert brown to better help him hide amongst the constantly swirling sands of the desert.

Your story is packed with sentence fragments like this one; it really needs to be attached to the previous sentence, not standing alone.

Also, when you're writing dialogue, you need to start a new paragraph every time someone else starts speaking. Two people should never talk in the same paragraph.

Up until the point where I got bored enough to quit reading, I learned almost nothing about your protagonist. As a writer, you should make your readers care about Stripe. During his fight with the changelings, I wouldn't have been bothered in the least if he had lost.

4756430 I understand it. Trust me, this is just my first story and is my first attempt at writing for a crowd. I normally only write for myself, so I am not my best critic.

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