• Member Since 4th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Feb 11th, 2021

Pure Note


"What could possibly go wrong?"

T

After coming home from college I find My old life is not what is was. After my parents eventually pass I find myself in a bit of depression. I wake up the next morning in the middle of god damn nowhere.

Oh, did I mention there's pie?

(Shameless Human X Pinkie Pie)
(May or may not lean toward clop... I've never written it before but if people want I say why the hell not.)

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 19 )

I'll wait till there are more chapters before i read this. Know that you have my attention and im watching you :pinkiehappy:

You know on one hand I'm like "YAY! A story with Pinkie Pie as a romantic interest!" and on the other hand, I can't help but feel your rushing this waaay too fast. If this is going to be only a short story, then cool, but if its going to go on longer then you may want to start building up the connections slowly.

Two weeks is a bit too fast for that kinda connection, but Pinkie is Pinkie, so who knows?

This premise isn't new, but I always like to see it. By not new, I mean the entire 'Pinkie comes into contact with human and falls for him' thing. It isn't degrading though in my eyes, like I said, I always like to see this.

There are quite a number of grammar mistakes I noticed, and I'll spot a few in just two sentences, but I recommend you go back through and polish it. It doesn't detract me from this, since it's not terrible, but they are noticeable.

“No you seem healthy to me,” purple chimed in, adding it’s input.

“Now ya gotta answer the question, partner. What are ya?” Orange said.

There's a bit of a continuity problem regarding 'purple' and 'Orange'. I get you're referring to Twilight and Applejack respectively, and I kind of liked this use from a human's view, but since you seem to be referring them as characters, giving them a name in this context, 'purple' should be 'Purple'. Secondly, 'it's' can be wrong for two reasons. The first is that it's incorrect, and it should be 'its'. The second is that, and this might just be me talking, but I feel it should be 'her' instead. At this point, the human knows they're ponies, so he really shouldn't be regarding them as 'things' or 'it', even though he pretty much met them five minutes ago. I don't think 'ya'' should have the apostrophe after it, but I'm not 100% on that. The last one, 'said', while I don't think there's anything wrong with it, I just think it could have been changed to something more fitting such as 'asked'. I hope these help.

As for the story, my opinion changes on the length this is going to be. I agree with LaughingZombie here, regarding the whole romance. This has something I think EG had with romance, regarding the whole Flash thing. Twilight suddenly got some crush on him, even though the one she interacted with was a different species entirely, while she must have kept the mindset of a pony. You wouldn't develop something like that for a different species in such a short time, which is why I think the two weeks thing here is a bit off.

Don't get me wrong, I like the whole shipping aspect. I just don't think Pinkie would obviously fall in love with a different species to her in a matter of 14 days. Up the time difference a bit (perhaps a month or two), and then it's more believable. This relates to the point of the length of this story. If it's short, then perhaps this quick romance is best. If it's longer, the romance feels a little rushed.

But that's just my take on it. I'm a bit of a sucker of this sort of story, so I put this in my Read Later list. I'm just going to keep track of it to see where this is going, and I hope it goes well.

i did not notice any thing wrong..... it is a good story so far!:pinkiehappy:

4485837 Thanks, Mate.

You're a great help. :pinkiehappy:

4485702

I plan it to be short. Just something to break up some writers block and spice things up a bit.

4485602

Glad to hear it.

Insert song reference here:

Summary: "Every step you take, every move you make I'll be Watching you."

Are you gonna update this? It would be great, thank you :)

So much potential..... Has this been abandoned?:pinkiesad2:

4739563

No, I write in my spare time, and sometimes I don't have a lot of that...

4741838 I understand that good sir. I'm happy it will eventually get worked on.

looking forward to more :pinkiehappy:




stay classy:moustache:

THAT WAS AMAAAAZING!!!!:pinkiegasp::pinkiehappy::pinkiesmile:

Come on! There has to be more!

*sniffle* I want more....

Hope this gets a update soon.

Well, looks like another promising story that ain't gonna be continued :fluttershysad:
But, hey, one good chapter can still give inspiration to write something new :pinkiehappy:

Don't mind me just paying my respects :fluttershbad:

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