Luna has fallen into a deep state of depression. Celestia tasks princess Twilight to befriend Luna in hopes that she may return to normal. But tragedy ensues when Luna coaxes Twilight to break the rules Celestia had set forth.
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Charliebbarkin
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No.
[edit: Upon reflection, my downvote deserves more explication than that. The idea that Celestia would set Twilight to be Luna's therapist for months without ever mentioning the fact that she was concerned Luna was suicidal is ridiculous. The idea that Twilight would never in all that time get Celestia to explain why Luna wasn't allowed possessions in her room is unbelievable in every possible sense of the term. As for Celestia's brutal punishment, well, it was over-the-top when I thought it was just the wings: stripping her of her Princesshood in the most savage possible way. But when it was the horn as well, that was entirely too much. And Twilight immediately deciding to commit suicide is even worse. The icing on the cake is that Spike is RIGHT THERE, so she's giving him the same pain. Is he next? It's not that I can't appreciate a good dark story—this isn't believable.]
This a troll fic?
Your command of the English Language actually lead me to believe that the story would go somewhere, so well done on that point.
However, the story itself wasn't to my taste, I'm sorry to say. There are some major points for a dislike, starting with some issues with your portrayal of Celestia. She expected Twilight to successfully rehabilitate Luna without giving Twilight any information about Luna's instability? What was she thinking?! And the de-princess-ification process. Sure, she's angry at Twilight but the whole rip-out-wings-snap-off-horn thing is rather over-the-top.
Furthermore, Twilight isn't stupid. A room like that, with such strict rules, she should have been able to piece together something like a suicidal tendency. You don't exactly need to be Twilight Sparkle to figure that out. To quote your Celestia..."How could you not?!"
Again on Twilight, instant suicide. Well, friendship certainly taught her how to mistreat her Number One Assistant here! Okay, you can be devastated by the "its my fault" thing (due to 'my' ignorance I snuck in an instrument of suicide) but the rapid decision to commit suicide is not exactly natural. Furthermore, now she's gonna do exactly the same thing to Spike.
Spike witnessed Twilight's totally horrible state and would leave her there? No questions about asking for a mirror? Mmm...I just don't see it I'm sorry.
However, I commend you for actually using English quite well. Its just that the story in a whole is unbelievable. I can see it up to the point where Twilight and Luna tries to bond and rehab. Then...You get the picture.
4486382
Thanks for the comment. I had a tough time writing this one. On one hoof, you’re right that either Celestia would have explained, or Twilight would have asked what was going on with Luna’s room. But on the other hoof, I thought it would be more fun (is that the right word?) just to have Celestia assume Twilight would understand the situation before her, and have Twilight be a bit naïve. That way, they are both at fault, and what happens is a surprise to both Twilight and the reader. Maybe I should go back in and have Twilight ask Celestia about the room, and have Celestia give some non-specific answer. I’ll think about that.
There are basically two possibilities for the aftermath of this story:
1. After hearing of Twilight's death, Celestia realizes what she's done and also kills herself;
2. That's the story Shining Armor gives.
the story is a little unbelievable, but i liked Celestia's questionable book choices (Historical survey of inferior and primitive zebras), her trust in the naive Twilight Sparkle, and the overly violent ending (shame that unicorns have no nerves there, according to this fic, though).
planning a followup? kinda gotta wonder how Celestia would feel about all this..... maybe she ate her wings? maybe she uses her broken horn as a [REDACTED]?
4490002
Hey, I'm glad you liked it! Currently, I don't have any followup plans for this...most of the main characters are dead, after all :p I do have a followup planned for Pinkie's Party Gift...our naive Twilight will get tricked into something even worse than the original story
As for Celestia's book choices, this story is in the same universe as Chrysalis and Celestia have a Talk, which goes into that topic a bit further
4492199
Well not all the main characters are dead remember you never said what happened to Twi. Maybe spike came back before Twi did anything ,because he forgot to tell her something, and stopped her from doing anything serious by I don't know hitting her on the head.
Maybe do a sequel on how someone helps Twilight and Celestia get better maybe a Grifon psychologist (which Luna never had)
P.S, Great story btw
Interesting premise, but not terribly well written. You're telly, your descriptions are short and vague, the dialogue is stiff and unrealistic, and you have some glaring plot holes.
The worst part is where Celestia doesn't explain to Twilight the rules about visiting Luna, or the reasons behind them. Not only is it nonsensical, but it's incredibly out of character for Celestia to just overlook something like that.
Don't feel bad about it, though. The piece has some promise, and this is a good start.
4644441 Alright, I updated the story a little bit since you aren't the first person to point that out. Twilight and Celestia now have a little talk, and while Celestia doesn't give out the exact reason why the rule exists, she asks Twilight to trust her and to promise to never break the rule.
I dunno, man. I try my best to write fun stories to read, but I always get a bunch of down votes, and not one of my stories has broken 1,000 views. It's hard not to get discouraged.
4648643
It's better, but (don't get discouraged) there's still room for improvement.
Now, you've only written five stories. If you want to have anything get over even 500 views on this site, you either have to write enough stories to get noticed (think like twenty at least), get superbly lucky, or write a porn. Since you can't count on the second, and I'm guessing you don't want to do the third, that only leaves you with writing a LOT of stories.
Right now you're a rookie writer, and you're making the same mistakes that all rookie writers do, myself included. The two biggest things you need to worry about are telliness and natural sounding dialogue.
Telliness is a writers term that means you're telling the reader what's happening instead of showing the reader. The concept is a little difficult to wrap your head around at first, so I'll try and give you an example.
This is a pretty good example of telliness. What you're doing here is you're telling a story like you would to a friend. 'She did x because of y, but little did she know that z had happened.' This doesn't make for a very engaging story. What you should try to do instead is paint the scene and let us observe the story happening. Infer from character actions what they're trying to do, what their goals are, what they're feeling.
Compare what I write to the original.
See the difference? In the first version, you just tell what happened. Twilight walks in, finds that Luna slit her own throat with a shard of broken glass. It was terrible.
In the second, I don't tell the reader anything. Instead, I describe what is happening and let the reader draw his own conclusions. Obviously, I'm no expert on this, and it took me a long time, a very good writing group, and a LOT of revisions to get to where I am now. Don't feel bad if you don't get the hang of it right away.
The next big problem is your dialogue. It's too precise, too sterile. Take this, for example:
Celestia is overwhelmed by rage and grief. She wants to hurt the pony who took her sister from her, and it's only on account of the millennia of self control and experience that she doesn't just blast Twilight into cinders on the spot. She's not going to take the time to set out the terms of Twi's banishment like a lawyer at a business meeting.
Consider this:
I got a little lazy there at the end there, but I think you get the idea. The most important thing to remember is that people don't talk like they're in the middle of arguing over the clauses of a contract; they almost never say everything that they mean exactly as they mean it, along with all the terms and conditions.
Anyway, the most important part of improving your writing (and thereby getting more views) is finding yourself a good writing group.
4649504 Alright, I see what you're saying about telliness, I hadn't hear of that expression before. I had always just assumed the downvotes were because of the plot (like luna tricking twilight into helping her commit suicide, etc.), but I never really considered down votes due to writing style. I'll try to work on that. As for Celestia sounding like a corporate robot when banishing Twilight, I tried to make it a reference to how she banished Sunset Shimmer.
Maaan, 20 stories is a lot to write...maybe I'll try try one clop fic and see how it goes. I'm thinking, a story about Twilight after being accepted as Celestia's student, where Celestia tricks Twilight into killing her own parents, and then Celestia forces herself on Twilight. Maybe that'll get some views. Or maybe a fic about shining armor joining the royal guard, and have him be shower-raped on his first day as a recruit. I dunno....I kinda don't want to write clop :p
4651258
If you don't want to write clop, don't write clop. Just work on developing your skill as a writer. Views aren't everything. Plus, you don't get to complain when you have over 2,000 combined story views. :p
Awesome read!
To think, this could all have been avoided if Celestia could have put aside her blatant fetish for being cryptic and unhelpful for two seconds and told Twilight WHY bringing banned items was forbidden. Seriously, two seconds "she's suicidal" bam. The only pony I blame for this whole mishap is Celestia herself.
The premise is sound. Luna goes crazy and kills herself works. However, Celestia keeping Luna's suicidal urges a secret from her intended therapist? That just falls apart under the circumstances presented. If someone is suicidal, you always tell the staff members. Especially the therapist.
Also, it's odd that Celestia cleared Luna to go the Gala while still keeping the items allowed in her room limited. If she's healthy enough to go the Gala, where she'd have all sorts of ways to kill herself right there, she should be health enough to have stuff in her room.
The bit about Twilight 'being welcome to stay in Equestria' also felt very random, rather than naturally flowing from Celestia going bat shit insane. Perhaps if it came after Celestia maimed Twilight or after a bit of back and forth, it'd work better.
I'd like to be able to give it a thumbs up just for the premise but there are way too many issues.
5043761 Thanks for the comment. I think it's fair to say these characters aren't 100% canon and weren't meant to be. Maybe Celestia has too much pride, or is too embarrassed to tell Twilight what is really going on. Or maybe Celestia simply assumed Twilight would understand, when in reality, Twilight was a bit naive about the whole situation. Maybe Luna was cleared to go to the gala because she would be supervised 100% of the time. As for Celestia talking like a lawyer when punishing Twilight, that was a reference to what she said when banishing Sunset Shimmer in the comic, the fall of sunset shimmer. I know I could've done a better job explaining that in the story, but as far as writing goes, I'm pretty new to it
So f###ing awesome
why can't there be more store's like this 
5056691 yup! i agree!
The story seemed to end rather abruptly, and I feel that Spike would have a bit more concern for Twilight being teleported to the library with her wings ripped out and horn gone. And like many others said, this whole incident could have been avoided if Celestia had explained why no objects were allowed in Luna's room. I understand that she wants to save face, but I know she would trust Twilight to keep something like that to herself. And besides, not telling anyone makes her look like a horrible pony who keeps her own sister prisoner in her room. (Before you say anything, while she probably could have handled it better, Celestia had a valid reason to send Luna to the moon.)
aftermath.
the aftermath tho
I cant believe luna would do that. she was better off, on the moon. I cant believe, there was no hope for luna. this is the end of equestrian !!! trollestia's insane, and theres no longer anything to stand in her way...to the darkness. this was a very dark story.
The end brought me to the point of almost breaking into sobs. This was good!
All Celestia's fault. She could have told her why no objects in Luna's room. Saying "don't bring things there she might try to kill herself" would have prevented this whole thing.
meh
So are you tell me the reason Luna always looks high as buck when she appears in public was because she actually is always high as buck when appearing in public]?
Even though this story has some negative and mixed opinions, i really liked it!
And what did we learn from this? When Celestia asks you to trust her, DON'T! Until she gives full reason to it.
And like others have commented, tragedy could have been avoided, if Celly just told Twi that Luna was suicidal.
Interesting story, but really sad. This is apparently a good reason not to trust Celestia. Even a little information to the 'no objects' rule would help
I'm sorry, I'm having trouble getting through this, because even at the halfway point, it just seems very insane and out of character. Are you sure you weren't trying to write a crackfic here? You seem to be making all sorts of jokes, albeit dark ones, what with the goofy librarian scene, Luna screaming so much because she's not on drugs that Celestia doesn't even notice...
Word of advice, if you are trying to write something serious here, about what it's like to deal with someone who is in that state, you should probably understand it better before you start.
9292351
Well, it's a story of Celestia putting a bit too much trust in Twilight's competence, and about Twilight being book smart, but still naive enough not to fully understand what's really going on. As far as seriousness goes, look. It's not a documentary.
9400365
I could see that, but the premise was just so ridiculous, as well as the portrayal of mental illness. I can't really say much beyond that, because I read this too long ago to remember the details. The advice I'm trying to give to you is, if you're going to write about a complex subject, have some understanding of the complexity of it.
I think twilight is going to kill herself like luna did
Damn. Why would Celestia do that to Twilight? Banishing her? Yes. Destroying her wings and horn? No. Poor Twilight was in pain. But then again, so was Luna. Celestia should’ve taken time and realised that the more she avoides Luna the worse of Luna would be.
i blame Celestia. All she had to say to Twilight was “She’s suicidal”, or “Luna’s suicidal”. Two words! To me Celestia killed her own sister, not Twilight so she’s punishing the only pony who could get close to Luna. Twilight Sparkle.