• Member Since 1st Jun, 2014
  • offline last seen Oct 11th, 2017

Potential Albatross


Still waiting to hear back on my albatross application.

T

Certain alicorns have no regard for the rules of space and time. An astral sub-dimension becomes a potent weapon in what appears to be a divine prank war. Shining Armor hits the sauce.

Written for this contest thinger.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 43 )

Love it.

Lovely, amusing, and rather confusing. (only at times)

I shall keep an eye out and hope this story does well in the contest :)

Dang but that last line...

A very good story. Leaves plenty of questions unanswered, and leaves me wanting more. I'd read this kind of story any day.

This story needs a great deal more love! I hope the author won't mind if I increase the group count by 2 or 3. Or 10.

It does get confusing, sorting out which Twilight and which Luna we're seeing, though the reader's effort is rewarded with a great confession scene toward the end. If I'm reading this right, Future Celestia essentially trolled Future Luna and Future Twilight into visiting the past and spilling the beans to Shining, which triggered past Luna and past Twilight into confessing, thereby closing the time loop by ensuring that they ended up together.. Or something like that.

Nicely done!

Fucking time loop stories. I always need to read them multiple times.

And I love them for it.

Seriously though, well done.

This was fantastic but Chapter 1 and considered complete I feel like their is something missing. A conclusion to the whole Future Celestia thing would be nice.

I appreciate everyone's kind words.

Regarding narrative ambiguity - I try to keep things open to interpretation and let the reader work them out, to such extent as it doesn't detract from the story. This was a return to writing after a very long dormancy, however, and I don't seem to have found the balance just yet. Hopefully I can tighten things up a bit in any future works.

Great story, but I have to ask... is "hitting the sauce" a saying, or a reference to the movie "John Dies at the End", or both?

That went from hysterical to fascinating to touching. Poor Shining, even though he was part of what made it so funny, it worked well that he was also part of what made it so touching.

Easy thumbs up, with a follow as well as you seem like an author worth keeping an eye on.

A solid effort. Lucid, funny prose, believably-drawn characters, and generally enjoyable to read. It lacks a certain core, as though the author weren't quite sure what the rotational hub of the story was; as it stands there were an awful lot of good ideas here kind of welded together into a non-compelling whole with no singular driving theme to speak of. As a result, I found my attention flagging midway along.

Anyway, to use cooking metaphors, while the meal didn't come together as a whole, each dish was prepared with high-quality and enjoyable ingredients, so that's worth a fave and a follow, because there's lots of promise here.

4650500

I like the cooking metaphor. I will say I found the meal relatively delightful, but not filling, in that I hunger for a larger portion of the same delightful fare.

In short, I would leave to see this world further explored. Future Twilight & Luna are a delight, and make me all the more curious to see Future-Tia

Well I enjoyed this, good job!

4488026 It might be a closed time loop now, but I don't think it started that way. Future Twilight and Luna were initially expecting the eclipse a few days away still after all, as far as I can tell.

4490526

I'd love to see a sequel. I think it would be very interesting to see Cadence interacting more with the future princesses. Of course there's also the whole "Where is Celestia?" thing to be cleared up.

I'd also love to see the All-Trixie version of this. It would be confusing as hell, but quite entertaining.

My favorite line:

“Right.” She looked at Luna, a hint of irritation in her eyes. “We always said we’d never do this enough to require new linguistic constructs.”

I struggled a bit with how cold Twilight was towards Shining during this, but this line saved it for me:

She’s still your sister. She still needs you. She’ll miss you terribly when you’re gone.”

I have just unknowingly read a time loop story and im just wondering if im the only one who feels like the story isn't finsished. :trixieshiftleft: the Luna Twilight scene was too adorable and now i will binge on time loops(maybe) during finals.:facehoof: luckily for me its online and keep breezing past 90score's like an impala down a hill.:moustache:

Princess Celestia - Princess of Shipping. :rainbowlaugh:

I've got to concur with 4650500 here. This just doesn't seem to cohere into much for me.

To be honest, I found this story really disappointing. Now please don't take that as a major knock on your skill—different people like different things, and you're never going to please everybody. This story came highly recommended from people whose taste I trust, and who said very nice things about it, but for whatever reason, it all pretty much fell flat for me. I didn't find any of it particularly funny, and between Shining being creeped out by the TwiLuna and Future-Twilight feeling alien and unengaging as a character, I was never invested in the romance either. Actually, it's probably more correct to say that I became un-invested by the narrative.

Prose is generally pretty good, though a bit purple and adverb-heavy at times. There are some patches where you drift between Twilight-perspective and Luna-perspective without warning in what's otherwise a nice 3rd-Limited structure. I think one of the bigger pieces of praise I can offer is that the Shining section has a distinct voice from the other bits. That's a big deal; one place where I see a lot of stories fall down is in perspective switching, where the feel of the narrative doesn't bother changing to fit the perspective of the new focus character.

All in all, I can't really bring myself to upvote this. I certainly can't bring myself to downvote it either, though. It shows some promise, even if it falls flat for me, but it's definitely inoffensive. A lot of people seem to be liking it, so I've got to assume that part of my reaction is me just not lining up well with your target readership. I'm not going to toss you another follow, but if you write anything else, I do hope somebody points me at it so I can give your stuff a second shot. There's enough promise here for me to want to see what else you can do; I just really didn't care much for this story.

I enjoyed this immensely. I particularly felt that your characterization of future Twilight is potentially accurate.

Time-travel-stories always make my head explode... urgh. :facehoof: At the very beginning, I thought this story would be funny. Midway through, I decided, that I don't like future-Twilight. And... now? At the end? I don't know. Really. I just don't know. It certainly wasn't funny, at least that I can say - although I had to smile a little when the future couple got away with just... standing still.
I don't feel touched. It isn't heart-warming. No 'd'aaaw's linger in my mind. But that upvote and that favorite, that it got instantly after finishing it. I think. I guess, at least for me, that's the main point of this story and probably is one that Twilight - and Luna, for that matter - would be proud of. I think about a lot in the aftermath. About two-thousand years worth of lifetime. About Twilight loosing everyone around her, coping with that. About Luna trying desperately to comfort her. About Celestia being 'the royal third wheel'. I try to imagine how she felt about that. I try to imagine how it must feel to be with someone... for more than two thousand years. I'm thinking about the possible motives for chasing Celestia through - apparently - different time(-line-)s.
This story isn't just about a romance. In fact, I think, the romance-part is more of a benefit, a bonus. It's not the over-joyous, happy end-tale. It makes one think about... a horrible lot of stuff. And although I appreciate it and instantly upvoted it, I'm still not sure what to think of it...

Thank you, anyway.

Interesting but it feels like it ends too abruptly for my taste. You have this huge buildup and then simply end. No real resolution for Shining, no acknowledgement of the what could easily be seen as incredible selfishness on the part of the alicorns, no support for him. Just. "it's hard for her too" and poof. No thumb down, but not up either. sorry.

I read this quite a while ago, and came back to re-read it after reading Sparkle Day.
I'd forgotten just how good this is. And I must respectfully disagree with Themaskedferret, because that ending was like a goddamn sucker punch. The point is there is no resolution, because sometimes you can't get one. And your sister turning into a goddess and all the implications therein is not something with an easy resolution.

This is pretty fucking awesome :D

I liked this, but felt future twilight a bit cold and uncaring. Didn't have trouble following the timeline though. Hope more will be explained in the very different genred sequel.

It has been a while since a story has so impressed me with its vocabulary.

5713154 You know, I hadn't even thought about that. The words—as far as I now recall—included nothing surprising, and nothing particularly rare, but seemed very well chosen. That is, after all, the real measure.

This was a story with a lot of great lines. Most people focused on the one at the end, and that has the benefit of being a great line of great importance, but this one was my favorite:

“Lilly,” she called to her aide. “Vernacular.”

I found this amusing enough to make me snort and chortle at several points, which is reason enough for a thumbs up.

This was working out pretty well until I realized that, like most mammals, horses are probably lactose intolerant as adults.

Why would that even be a concern? Horses might not deal with eating ice-cream well,but you know what else they don't deal with well? Being shot out of cannons. Standing on clouds. Drinking out of teacups. Having to compose a report. Trying to move the sun and moon. You may have noted a common thread here.

Comment posted by ForSpite deleted Apr 2nd, 2015

Nice words at the end or not, future-Twilight is sort of a bitch.

Huh, the previous version must have been pretty distinctly different if it was vexing people so.

Well time travel stores always make my head feel about ready to explode... But this one was really well done.

The Twiluna in the trip with shining armour was cute but not to d'aaawww levels. But it and most of he rest was a lot of fun to read.

This was a nifty fic; thanks for writing it! :twilightsmile:

My favourite line, out of several good ones: "Maybe if we stand very still." (and to her credit, that worked).

5957117

Nice words at the end or not, future-Twilight is sort of a bitch.

On the first read-through, it seemed that way, but thinking about it afterwards I'm pretty sure at least half of it is just Twilight and Luna trolling/pranking Shining. The breakfast conversation explicitly lampshades this; they were deliberately stonewalling because they had a bet riding on how fast he and Cadance would pick up on what was happening. During what Twilight also implied was a prank/hide-and-seek game/game of tag with Celestia.

The other half of it is that no matter how strongly Twilight felt for Shining during the 5% of her life they'd had together, those feelings fade quite a bit after the other 95%. He's the equivalent of the favourite stuffed toy any of us had as a kid; mild fond wistfulness is about as much as will be left by this point.

It is a little odd that Twilight isn't more outgoing and friendly, but I'll chalk that up to Potential Albatross taking the "princess of magic" character interpretation instead of the "princess of friendship" one.

First I was - huh?
then I read it again and I was - ohhhhh...
then I thought about it and I'm like - actually, I'm going with - huh? And Aww...
I think.

I'm ummmmmm scared to read this......so will anyone give me a summery.*squeaks nervously*

6880194

I'm ummmmmm scared to read this......so will anyone give me a summery

Short version:
Visitors arrive from the future, mild comedy and some pranking ensue.
There's nothing scary in the fic. It's worth the half-hour invested in reading it.

This is...wow...I have no words. Nicely done!:twilightsmile:

One of the more interesting bits of TwiLuna I've read. I liked it!

I'm not sure this should be marked comedy. It's strange, and a bit funny at times, but when I smiled at the end it wasn't because I laughed that much during the story.

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