Fallout: Equestria: Flames of the Phoenix

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Comment posted by Pyro Blaze deleted Jun 1st, 2014

Pyro Blaze

Pyro Blaze #2 · Jun 1st, 2014 · · · Chapter 1 ·

4479671
Sorry, I'll get that stuff fixed. This is my first story, so I apologize in advance for anything I mess up.

Pyro Blaze

Pyro Blaze #3 · Jun 1st, 2014 · · · Chapter 1 ·

4481397

I rescind my apology then, given how it's unnessecary.

Tetragrammaton

Tetragrammaton #4 · Jun 1st, 2014 · · · Chapter 1 ·

Not bad. Not bad at all.

I don't say you have to slow down, details are fine (although I am one who goes very deep into detail), I think what the "problem" is, is that you, instead of your 1st person narrator/OC, mostly tell us the interesting parts.
You tell us the three foals somehow got into the fight. This may be not that bad, but it would be much more interesting to let your OC tell the story about how they got in contact with the Rangers.
The same thing applies to the fighting scene, but here you need to let the character narrate. Telling us he used immense fire powers to incinerate everypony around him is just enough, but telling us what he felt that led to this rage - aka detail - makes everything much more interesting. It also helps to establish the character. Maybe one of the Rangers called his mother fat, but his mother left him as a even younger foal, so he gets angry about stuff like that, instead of simply being angry for no reason except that he is. Character establishment.

I once proof-read a guy who cut away his animal fight scenes, even if they were like: the MC surrounded by four or so RADscorpions with just a knife left. He did that because for a trained wasteland merc, a fight with animals isn't that big of a deal, he did worse more often. But I simply assume your MC isn't a wastland grunt. So you need to tell us what he feels in battle, so we can feel with him.

But again, not a bad story. I would like to read how it goes on.

Pyro Blaze

Pyro Blaze #5 · Jun 1st, 2014 · · · Chapter 1 ·

4481865
Alright, I think I understand what you're saying. Thanks.

Twilight_Sparkler

Twilight_Sparkler #6 · Jun 3rd, 2014 · · · Chapter 1 ·

4479671
Building off of what this guy said.

When going into detail about your OC, don't ever directly describe them. A rule of writing is 'show, don't tell.'. Only describe things about your OC when needed. After all, Kkat never described Littlepip in the story, simply because it doesn't affect the story.

Deathpony