• Member Since 31st May, 2014
  • offline last seen Nov 19th, 2019

camskye


I like to read and my favorite mlp shipping is probably fluttercord (all the way!)

T

this story takes place after the events of keep calm and flutter on/threes a crowd and 20 years in the future, in an alternate universe where discord was framed by another more powerful evil and was turned back into stone by the elements, a betrayed fluttershy, and princess Celestia.
He then later frees himself and is wounded by an angered princess Celestia.
(on hiatus because of writers block and more hate then love on this story)
Cover art by: Infinite Galaxy

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 40 )

:trollestia: : (scars discord for life then leaves him to die in the everfree )
LOL!

Hmm, okay, um, I don't know how to say this....I like the plot, you you seem to have to add for detail, my friend. Celestia wouldn't just shoot him out of the blue, you are rushing the plot a bit too much. Not trying to criticize, but you also need to capitalize a lot of names. Please remember that only when a new character says something, that's when you indent it. You should also indent it by pressing "tab". You should try making the chapters longer, and more slower in events. Have them talk more, and use italics when revealing thoughts.
Although, if you can do all that, I would say that this will turn out to be a good story, I can't wait for what happens next!
:pinkiehappy:

Thanks for your feedback!
One of the reasons I was really rushing the story is because I dont want to become one of those writers that takes forever to get to the point,
Sooooooooooooo
yeah...
anyways!
happy shipping!!!!!!:heart:

Comment posted by camskye deleted Jul 11th, 2014

I'm going to be honest with you.
0 out of 1000000.
It got zero.
Out of a million.

I would be happy to draw you some coverart.
Would you like me to?

4610520 that would be awesome thank you!:pinkiehappy:

4610248 I appreciate your honesty:scootangel:
I might be wrong but is it the thing about discord losing his arm that made you not like it or was it just the story in general?:rainbowhuh::duck:

So the concept behind this is promising, but the execution needs a lot of work. Your grammar and spelling aren't too bad, so that's a plus, but the story is waaaay too rushed and is failing to explain important facts.

- When is this taking place? In the synopsis you say after Keep Calm and Flutter On, but in the story itself, all we know is that it is happening sometime after Return of Harmony, because Fluttershy knows who Discord is.

- Why was Discord in stone? Again, in the synopsis you say he was framed. But when he shows up to taunt Celestia he says nothing about that. You'd think that if he was unfairly framed and turned to stone, the first thing out of his mouth would have to do with that... even if it was some kind of joke.

- Who turned him to stone? If it was the Elements, then Fluttershy participated. This is important to know because if this is a Fluttercord story we need to know how Discord and Fluttershy are likely to feel about each other. She promised she wouldn't use her Element; if she did it anyway, he likely feels betrayed by her, and she wouldn't have done it unless she felt betrayed by him. If it was Celestia, or Celestia and Luna, or Celestia, Luna and Twilight, or any combo thereof, and not the elements, then you have to explain why it worked and why Celestia didn't guess he'd break free early, because if alicorns could just turn Discord to stone any old time, why did Celestia and Luna need the Elements in the first place?
- Why did Celestia fire a lethal attack at him? (This is explainable, actually; he just turned her guards to mushrooms. Unless they turn back on their own, he's essentially just killed them. On the other hand, would Discord casually kill ponies so easily? Wouldn't Celestia demand that Discord turn them back before firing a lethal attack?)

- Why didn't Discord see Celestia's attack coming or brace against it? Again, if all it took to take Discord down was one angry alicorn, Celestia and Luna would not have needed the Elements.

- How did Discord get to the Everfree? He was in Canterlot a moment ago and you didn't mention him teleporting. Celestia wouldn't have dumped him there -- her "what have I done" reaction and the fact that she is in general a compassionate pony suggests that she'd have had him taken to a Canterlot hospital (and if you're writing an eeevil Celestia who's trying to cover up her attempted murder of Discord -- which I DO NOT RECOMMEND, because it is massively OOC and doesn't even fit what you've written so far -- but if that was the case, she'd have sent him to the dungeons to die of his injuries, or blasted him again to kill him and burn the body.)

- Why doesn't Discord's magic work to heal himself? This is actually fairly easy to explain but you actually do need to explain it.

None of these are insurmountable difficulties, but you do have to explain all of them or the story makes no sense. Here's one possibility, you may think of others:

- When Discord was framed, it was for a crime sufficiently heinous that Celestia didn't even want to tell Fluttershy; she didn't want to damage Fluttershy's faith in kindness by making her realize how badly she had "failed." Perhaps Discord was framed for some particularly horrible murders. So she turned to Twilight instead.

- Twilight came up with a spell from her books that would turn Discord to stone and then start draining his power, so the longer he remained in stone the weaker he'd become. That way they don't have to use the Elements. The spell required three alicorns, so it wouldn't have been possible before Twilight's ascension or at least would have needed Cadance's help, and Cadance wasn't born when Celestia and Luna put Discord in stone.

- Discord knew all along he was racing against the clock to break the stone spell before he lost all his power. So he knew he was weakened when he went to confront Celestia. You should rewrite this scene to imply that Discord was planning to talk to Celestia about him being framed -- perhaps having him say something like "You shouldn't believe everything you hear, my dear Princess", or something -- but of course he drags it out by goofing off, and hasn't yet managed to explain the critical fact, that he's innocent, before Celestia attacks him.

- Celestia attacks with lethal force because she believes he's a sadistic murderer or soemthing (whatever the crime he was framed for was). But neither she nor Discord expected it to work because neither of them realize how badly Discord was drained. Discord *does* try to shield himself from Celestia's attack, but it goes right through his shield.

- Discord uses the last of his energy to teleport to the Everfree because he feels safer there (it used to be his home? it's a source of chaos? any number of reasons). He then has absolutely nothing left for healing himself or even dealing with the pain. This is where Fluttershy comes in.

So in this setup Fluttershy doesn't even know that Discord has been in stone for some months, let alone that Twilight and the Princesses did it. You can get some good conflict out of that -- of course Twilight believes the Princesses, and the Princesses have obviously been taken in by the frame completely (maybe the actual killer was a changeling using Discord's appearance, who was using magic to kill in ways that would look like Discord such as suffocating the victim with cotton candy; or, if you already have a new evil villain in mind, think through what they could have done that would make it look so obvious that Discord was the perpetrator that Celestia wouldn't question it.) But Discord is actually innocent, and would tell Fluttershy so, so fluttershy has to decide between believing Discord (a known liar, but also someone who isn't ashamed of his chaotic behavior and in fact likes to brag about his actions) and her princesses and friend (honest and trustworthy ponies, but prone to making emotional decisions where Discord is concerned... and also, we know they can be deceived, because they have been.)

Now, by no means do you have to use my ideas, but if you want to write a good story, you do have to come up with *some* explanations for the questions I've presented and you need to rewrite the story to add some of those explanations in. (Some, like "what was Discord framed for" or the details of how Discord got turned to stone this time, can wait to be explained in a further chapter; others, like "why did Celestia attack with lethal force" and "how is it that her attack got through", need to be retroactively written into the story into the appropriate places.)

In general, keep in mind that losing the suspension of disbelief destroys feels. You can't write with dream logic, where things just happen because they're more emotional that way; there must be an explanation for everything that happens that falls outside of what we'd expect from canon, and to at least some extent you must share those explanations with the reader, or the story will make no sense and people will just not want to read it.

4611784 ooh!i shall get started!It will take at the most, five days.At the least, it shall be ready by tomorrow.^.^

Comment posted by Wurd deleted Jun 29th, 2014
Comment posted by Wurd deleted Jun 29th, 2014
Comment posted by IGNORE IGNORE deleted Jul 11th, 2014
Comment posted by IGNORE IGNORE deleted Jul 11th, 2014
Comment posted by CallMeWolfie deleted Jul 11th, 2014

4679572
well thats alot of fucks...:unsuresweetie:
first off I understand if its hard to read but I cant do anything about your lack of glasses
and secondly im only ten and this is my first fanfiction so id apreaciate it if youd lay off of the language and maybe take a chill pill cuz...
like every other story on this website has the same size lettering so Im not sure if your just being a troll or if you need some freaking glasses,
either way,
I appreaciate your criticism.
Happy shipping

Since this is your first fan fic, I am not going to rude, and rather disgusting because I think it had a good plot. And it was decent. Some people just need to put there pony bone back in there pants, and realize that you didn't write this for them. Try adding a bit more detail and honestly, I like that your chapters are shorted then others, because I can read them quickly, and not have to rush, and be worried that I would have to leave in the middle of a chapter. SharkIsFab might need a personality make over, because that's not fab.

She may also be on her period. :rainbowkiss:

Comment posted by IGNORE IGNORE deleted Jul 11th, 2014
Comment posted by IGNORE IGNORE deleted Jul 11th, 2014

4679629
using an over abundance of curse words indicates an absence of vocabulary :pinkiesmile:
have a nice day

Comment posted by IGNORE IGNORE deleted Jul 11th, 2014
Comment posted by IGNORE IGNORE deleted Jul 11th, 2014

:ajbemused: More detail would be appreciated also this story was a bit confusing? :rainbowhuh:

Yes another chapter!! You seriously made my day but oh the cliffhanger I can't beleive poor spikey Wikey is dead ): can't wait till the next chapter. hope there is some fluttershy / discord moments

Sorry I did not have your cover art. I never thought I'd be this busy. I bit off more than I can chew.
You see, I don't like complaining, but I've had a lot of work. I have band camp my whole summer, literally, with only a few weeks to help my mom, practice my music, and work on other things I have to do. It may not seem like much, but really, it is. I have two younger siblings that just seem to be tornadoes everywhere.
I have been meaning to get it done, but I can't seem to find the right time. If you don't want it anymore, just tell me. If you do, please respond quickly. I start Marching Camp next Monday. I will try at my most to have it done, promise. I'm not one to exactly follow promises, but I don't break them.
Have a goodnight. It's late now. Best be to sleep.
Again, sorry.

4843113
hey girl, :duck:
its okay! :scootangel:
people have lives outside of the internet and i get that.
TAKE YOUR TIME! :raritywink:

4877906 Aw! Thank you. <3 I will try to finish it as soon as possible. I don't want to let someone like you down. ^.^
Again, thank you, for being so considerate and understanding. May God bless your week. :3 (If you believe, that is. :P)

4886435 I just need to color it now. ^.^

4912319
i currently have a case of the terrible... :ajsleepy:
*writers block*... :fluttershysad:

I don't blame it! :scootangel: Awesome anyway even though no grammar.. Awesome! :derpytongue2:

4615040 somebody's a hating on your comments bro

4915044 day's ok you just have to think to yourself that all the haters that hate the world have to love something :)

NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DISCORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:pinkiegasp: good story though:raritywink:

FLUTTERCORD YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA!!! ALSO DON'T LET THE HATERS STOP YA CAUSE HATERS GONNA HATE AND YOU SHOULDN'T GIVE A DAMN!

Celestia hurt Discord....:pinkiecrazy: Heheheheh she hurt Discord..... *Goes insane and Harmony my friend holds me back from killing Celestia*

Listen been reading so far but now I am gonna need completely honest. I love the plot it sounds wonderful but I needs some work.

A. Discord is the freaking Lord of Chaos?! How did his powers just suddenly disappear? We're they drained somehow? Did Celestia drain his powers but Discord woke up as she did to teleport to the Everfree yet used up all his magic in doing so. After all, tose spells take lots of magic. Also I can believe the pain would shock him but I am pretty sure, as much as I DESPISE Celestia I know even she wouldn't go sadistic murder or Punisher to wound Discord badly and cut his arm off.

B. Would be better if it had a prologue or hints to who tis character could be. Like a mystery, that way it could get the reader into thinking. Whoever did this must be someone who DESPISES Discy. I know you wanna keep it all mystery but, Adda bit of clues. Also please explain what Discord was framed for that made Celestia wanna blast him to smithereens. Also it would be good if you said how Discord was turned to stone. For example in the prolouge you could write how Discord was minding his own business. Then the alicorns or the Bearers started saying they would turn him to stone for his crimes. Discord clearly confused thought it was all a plan by Sun butt or maybe Pinkie or Dashie. Then he gets nervous also, please say the position Discord was in. Position of how he was stoned tells everything.

-Exhibit A: First time he was distracted. So his frozen laughing form tells he was laughing at Celestia'x and Luna's dumb little gems and so. This tells he had no idea whatsoever what was happening

-Exhibit B: Second time he was doing the usual villain,scream of defeat. Discord had been noticing he was slowly turning to stone. So by panicking and worrying he got into a position demonstrating how freaked out he was.

C: Okay I know of the shipping but does Fluttershy know? If so why would she wanna help Discord, who's framed crime was so bad the Princess of Equestria tried killing him? Or maybe she doesn't and was worried about him missin' and though he had been attacked by a greater force. This would be better so we see the awful heartbreak when she hears what Discord was framed for then Discord tries to explain and we'll, bring out the tissuesđŸ˜‚

Also be more descriptive please. You gotta add more suspense to build things up ya know, give more adredaline to the readers. As well as a better picture. It's not bad using figuritive language you know.

Anyways I hope that helped. I love the plot but it needs build up

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