• Member Since 19th Jan, 2014
  • offline last seen Dec 25th, 2015

Jebediah_Kerman


E

Ian is a trainer. Or was a trainer. Now he is a Chairzard in a world if multi-colored Ponitas and creatures called "Griffins". But that's not enough, because almost all of the member of his team, his family, are missing. With the help of his Dragonite and a griffon called "Gilda," he will find his family and learn how to deal with his new body and this new world.

Side story of A New World, a New Way
by zeusdemigod131 (with permission, of course)
Art belongs to who ever it belongs to.

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 25 )

Needs some work on the grammar, but a pretty good start on the whole

First of all: welcome to Equss.

Second: cool, another member on the griffin kingdom, hope we can cross paths.

And finally but not least: I would suggest you to go a bit slower. The story felt rushed.
I wish I could help with that but I am not that great of a writer, sorry.

Again welcome, hope your story be great!

I agree with V. Your packing is too fast. Also, when you introduce as character for the first time you really should describe what they look like. For example, the Griffin gang: you only described their names. What does each member of the gang look like? Feather color, fur color, size, clothing/accessories, etc.

Other than that I'll keep an eye on this.

4606555 thanks, I'll do that next chapter.

good ideas dragged trough the dirt by poor editing.

You should get a proof reader to help with your spelling and grammar.

I find potential in this spin-off, but I agree with everyone here that this needs editing.

Either way, I'll follow this - just for story sake.

Oh, and one more thing: Charizard is one of few Pokemon that do not repeat their name as a language.

4609603 thx for the pointers. This is my first story. Ever.

4609603 As far as I can tell, Charizard sounds like a growling dog under a pile of gravel.

"Rrzrrrrr. Rrph."

Gonna go with what others have said. Pacing is indeed an issue. You race along the story and don't give the reader time to settle in. Also I highly recommend getting a proofreader and/or editor. It'll help catch a lot of mistakes. I look forward to seeing you improve and good luck on your New World story!

I like it, but as a suggestion you may want a beta or someone to look over it to fix some of the grammer.

4649745 if you know any editors, let me know

4650679 I can do some editing, and I can check with some friends to see if there willing to do it if they have the time

I should firs (hope this helps)

hmmmm not bad, is tere more coming?

I agree with everyone else, this was WAY too rushed. You definitely need to slow this down.

This is interesting, I'll stay tuned for now.

This was almost painful to read. You need an editor. Badly.

4849219 it was good,but like you said it needs an editor. Like the triple "the" :rainbowhuh:

This is Non-Canon?

4886900 The author isn't coming back to this, ever.

Kinda disappointed this didn't continue

4607432 Are you still using Gilda?

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!