Taken
Chapter One: Taken
A sweet milkshake was gently placed on the wooden table before a cyan hoof claimed it for herself. Following this, four more drinks landed on the surface before they too were taken by hooves of various colors. A fifth drink, larger than the rest, never made it to the table as it was already in grasp of its owner, who had a pink hoof.
The Elements of Harmony were gathered inside a sweets cafe enjoying each others company whilst they discussed personal matters that had transpired recently. The topic would be on whomever spoke first, and this time, the pony of benevolent arrogance opened her mouth first. “Nothing has really happened recently around here, Ponyville is starting to look dull again!”
Pinkie squiggled her hoof in a teasing yet forewarning fashion, “Famous last words!” She snickered before her eyes shot wide open and smiled formed on her face. “Oh yeah, I’m working on a new pastry!” Pinkie slammed her drink on the table her voice traveling faster than her thoughts. “Its gonna be a cupcake with a cream filling! I’m still trying to work out the filling though, it has to be just right! Not too thick, but not runny either, and it’s also not supposed to be sour, but I’ll…”
Shutting Pinkie out of her thoughts, AppleJack’s ears rose up when a memory clicked in her head, “Speaking of food,” She said drawing the attention of the others, “Ah for one am excited for Apple Bucking Day!” her expression softened in her state of reminiscing, “Oh that is one of my favorite times of the year, plenty of goods ta bake and sell!” Applejack sipped at her apple soda-vanilla float, concluding her announcement.
Rainbow Dash, who sat across from AJ, raised an eyebrow. “Yeah... okay then.” With no comment to build on the topic, she turned her attention towards Rarity as she was placing down her strawberry shake.
Rarity twirled her straw around the cup in mirthful thoughts, “I finally finished restoring some of those chicly decorations from the old castle,” She poked the straw at the air to make her point. “And I do believe it’s high time we really work to spruce that place up a bit!” The straw had a thick shake inside it from which she proceeded to suck clean before sticking it back into the cup.
A quiet voice made itself known, partly hidden behind a banana frosty. “That would be nice, it’s a quiet nearby getaway...”
“But Flutters dear, you already live on the edge of town.” Inquired Rarity repeating the tube cleaning action again.
Fluttershy shrank back into her seat a bit, “I know, but Angel says I need to take a break from the animals every once and a while... They have been getting restless lately, but I can't figure out why…” Fluttershy had barely touched her drink which was beginning to melt.
An empty glass covered in a lavender glow made impact on the wood harder than necessary, startling the few around her. Its owner had wolfed the drink down to the last drop, “Ahhhh…” Twilight leaned back for a moment to let herself breathe before building on the topic, “That sounds like an excellent idea Rarity! The princesses’ diary advocated that there were many secrets built into the castle, so I’m sure we might discover something interesting in the process!” She stood up straight in her chair in an attempt to overlook her companions, but suddenly the downed shake came back to bite her in the flank with a brainfreeze. “Gah! Owww…” With a quick spell the freeze vanished. But not without her friends chuckling and giggling at the display of gluttony's price. “That said we should probably gather our cleaning supplies and get over there ASAP!”
“Yay!” Pinkie exclaimed with her fourth drink in hoof held up high. “Field Trip!”
The rest of her friends examined the slice of the table which belonged to their pink friend, where three extra large milkshake glasses (each being a different flavor) stood empty and dry.
“Pinkie,” Rainbow proclaimed with her face expressing wonder. “You must teach me your ways of eating...”
“My young cupcake,” She began to bounce out the room with a martial arts bandana on her head. “You are not ready.”
Rainbow pleaded her case. “But I can eat a whole meal in ten seconds flat as is!”
“But, my young grasshopper, that is why you fail!” Pinkie giggled as if something funny was said then disappeared through the door, leaving a disgruntled Dash behind.
By the time they saw her again they had gathered by the entrance to the Everfree Forest with carts full of cleaning supplies. Rarity had brought a cart full of refurbished decorations and tarps rather than disinfectants.
Applejack felt she was at a safe distance from her for a snarky remark. “Wow, you pulled a cart by yourself, Rares?”
A small laugh was then shared among friends, and even Rarity couldn't deny the truth behind it. “We- heh heh -ll, I didn't want to interupt Spikes nap.” she cleared her throat from laughing mid sentence.
Twilight rolled her eyes. “He would be here, but for some reason he felt insistent on not coming, he also said that it was a ‘bad idea’...” Switching the topic, she peered inside the fabric cart. “Are any of these original?”
“Absolutely!” Rarity proclaimed, standing proudly. “It wasn't easy, but everything is patched together, and the designs were copied down as well.” Rarity pulled the tarp that was protecting the beautifully crafted fabric pieces off. “I could even make a brand new one if I ever so desired. Oh! I even brought some tapestries to patch up some holes in the ceiling and add a bit of flare!”
Twilight looked to her friends for approval. “Well if everypony is ready?” -Nods of confirmation she received in turn- “Then lets go!”
Traveling through the forest was safer then one would think. The general rule was that so long you stuck to the path, predators will seldom cross yours. It was quiet however. As a forest of strange and unusual phenomenon, silence was not one of it’s fortes. The ponies noticed this ominous atmosphere giving the forest trek an overflowing feeling of tension.
Fluttershy was the first to notice this. “Umm, do you girls think the forest is a bit...quiet?”
Her answer came rather quickly from Rainbow. “Yeah, its kinda creepy…”
While AppleJack was just as creeped out as anypony else, one could not resist the chance to stab at Dash’s pride. “Does the forest scare ya still-”
“No!” Her retaliation was quick and arrogant, but short lived as a breeze made the leaves and branches rustling in a mezzo piano symphony of foreshadows. Rainbow’s voice slipped back into something more timid. “But, theres a difference between scary, and creepy…” Despite this lack of activity, the six continued onward.
After a long period of silence, Applejack stretched her neck for a nonspecific reason and in doing so, asked a specific question. “So, if this here forest was once a thriving city back when the castle was in it’s hayday, then where in the wide blue yonder did it come from?”
Ever the smart one to follow up on such a question, Twilight responded. “That is actually one of the biggest mysteries known to pony kind. Some believe the forest is the aftermath of Discords reign, others theorize it was a curse from Nightmare Moon, but I think that it grew from the tree of harmony as a way to protect and conceal itself.”
AppleJack answered in doubt. “Really now? Ya’ll sure about that?”
Twilight nodded. “Even Celestia thinks that it has intelligence, but so far nothing has been definitive.” Twilight’s brow constricted in thought.
Fluttershy spoke up, barely audible through her mane.“Makes sense to me...If the sisters were protecting me from something big and dangerous... and something that caused Nightmare Moon left me all alone...than I can see myself trying to hide, but not in a big scary forest...I’m sorry but that’s just my opinion...”
“Of course,” Rainbow Dash exasperated. “You would be the one to hide, the only thing you don't hide from is an average animal.”
“Oh? Then what would you do?” In Fluttershy’s defence Rarity posed a challenge. “You can't really fly away, you're a tree!”
Rainbow met this challenge with creative but illogical reasoning. “I would use my tree powers to create a super awesome mega fortress that would protect me from anypony that was after me!” She floated proudly in the air at this flawless plan.
Rarity’s voice was blatant as was her expression. “That’s not much different than hiding...”
Realising that she was right, but not willing to admit it, she covered the stain with an overused comeback. “It’s hiding...with 20% more style!”
Pinkie bounced in joy at her version of tree self-defence. “Oh! Oh! I know what I would do! I would use my supertree power to surround me with other trees, so no pony would know I was any different than the others….But then I could throw a super-duper-tree party and invite all the little forest animals so that we could play!” Pinkie bounced with enthusiasm at her idea.
Twilight stared at her with astonishment. “Th-Thats actually a decent theory, just with aggressive monsters, darker intentions, and a signal of some sort instead of a party!”
“I’m surprised we didn't notice the giant cave where it was sooner, then again we seldom went out there back then, it was so dirty and unwelcoming, in fact it still is!” An acute observation from Rarity.
Followed by another, made by AJ, “Actually, Ah wonder why the hay we weren't told sooner about that gosh darn tree, Ah would think the Princess would tell us before it became an emergency.”
“Well...” Flutters said. “None of us ever asked…”
Twilight disagreed. “I distinctly remember asking her that very question multiple times and now that I know she knew about it…” She began to mumble words of confusion about the subject, prompting it to end.
Eventually, the group made it to the old castle, abandoned until recently by six ponies. Said ponies approached the door without any heed to danger or courtesy to knock, and found the door locked as a result. “Huh?” lavender magic pushed the handle harder, it then gripped the whole door, it creaked and snapped, but not a single splinter came from the efforts.
“Did one of you girls set the bar lock?”
A snaking of heads filled the group with worry, except for one. “Well knock silly!” Without hesitation, the party pony knocked on the door.
Several hours earlier
There was a deep, low thud that came from a heavy foot making contact with the ground followed by another, and another. The castle walls shook slightly, but did not submit to the force of the approaching creature.
A Man, young, fit, and mature, stared at the ruins right, as he came to a halt. Commenting in his own thoughts.
Wow, who ever built this dreamed big, bigger than me.
Looking at what he could from the outside. His mind began to fill with relief. It’s a bit of a fixer upper, but it is the best thing I have found so far. Still... it looks cramped, he bent down and examined the door, clearly it was made for something smaller that's for sure.
Pushing himself back up, he stepped over the short end of the collapsed front wall. Thick boots crushed rocks and any miscellaneous debris, yet powerful legs weaved through the corridors and around walls. The ceiling was not high enough for him initially. He had to crawl his way through the castle in some parts but the sense of curiosity and wonder was more than enough motivation to keep moving forward. He then entered a more intact portion of the castle, which he could almost stand straight up and walk around in.
Looks bigger and more intact the further you go in, this is nice… , he gritted his teeth and squeezed his way through a tight doorway, thick cracks forming on the walls. But once he was through, the majority of the interior was so large that the giant could almost make his spine upright. Yet he had to be hunched over to accompany his height, and elbow room was fortunately acceptable.
Turning into a new hall he found was what appeared to be a long room where two different thrones sat at the end, one being blue, the other gold. The ceiling was high enough, the room to maneuver was decent, but that hardly mattered. A torn red carpet and dark pillars enhance the invoking emotion of awe, he took another gander around the room and shrugged.
Beggars can't be choosers. This room is probably the best I get in all the halls I’ve seen. I'm moving in!
Rubble was shoved to the side by his massive feet while he cleared the floor. Revealing the old red rug some more.
The Man looked to the holes in the ceiling and walls. There’s more room in here than I thought, this will work nicely, very nicely….I might be able to do some patch work with some greenery and rope, but thats another day.
He examined the arched corridors, the doors to other rooms being too small for him to enter. I could use these as little cubbies for storage, unless I find a room more apt to that.
The Man inhaled a load of air before releasing it in unstoppable wave of sneezes, maybe I could do a little bit of dusting later. Shaking his head and rubbing some dust off the edges of his nose, the giant, once again, took another glance around the room. Okay, I can search this place later, first I need fire, a source of water and food.
He unclipped a backpack of his shoulders and plopped it on the floor, he sat beside it and began to think.
The stream I found can be the source of water close by here, so long as I boil it. The food I have can only last a day or two. Then again, if the trees come up to my waist at least and everything else is downsized, then the wildlife probably is too. More hunting and effort for food. Gathering trees should be easy enough.
He sighed in a stress fueled frustration. A voice young but firm in its very nature grumbled in anger. “This was supposed to be a casual camping trip god damnit! Not full blown survival!” For the fourth time he looked at his surroundings, this time though in anger rather than awe. “Where am I?!” He asked no one in particular, he threw his arms into the air. “Who built this place? And why am I so tall?!” His arms fell back down to his sides, scratching the back of neck he grumbled under his breath. “Not like I’m not used to being bigger than most people, but this is ridiculous! It doesnt make sense...”
By the time he finished his rant, he made it outside and had confronted a tree. The man grabbed a large, long, and unusual tool from the belt. It was so unusual that it had no sheath, therefore, constantly exposing it’s blade.
At first glance, it looked like a basic shovel, but it wasn't merely a shovel. The head and the stem were composed of two halfs that came together in an obtuse V shape, then the head had sharp edges on the top and sides that were clearly made for cutting or digging. The handle was wooden and basic, yet unique in its shape to accompany one or both hands and give the user the flexibility to use it like an axe.
A single swipe from the tool cut through most of the tree before a pocket knife was used to finish it off. Ok, general rule with firewood, when you think you have enough, double your supply, then you have enough. Its a good thing I watch the Discovery Channel, or I’d be royally screwed! Ha Ha!
Keeping a positive attitude is an important step in keeping a steady mind, even if it does resemble that of a mad man. Poor emotions can cause bad or rushed decisions, never a good thing when emergency help is not a luxury. Going insane is not good either. Harmony is required between fun and seriousness.
The Man repeated this monotonous process, cutting away at the forest around the castle with extreme prejudice: chop, cut, collect; chop, cut, collect; chop, cut, collect…
However, a forest is host to a diversity of trees, some were taller than his waist, and required more effort, others were small enough to be pulled up by hand. In the end though, not even the biggest tree made it past his upper chest.
At some point he chopped a tree away causing a small dog sized monstrosity to come out and attack his boot. In panic and surprise, the feline was impaled by a sharp shovel coming down upon it. Thankfully the steel reinforced leather toe hardly got a scratch from it, let alone let the thing penetrate the surface. Well, whatever it is, it might be food, I’ll look at it back at the castle.
When he returned to the castle, the tool was holstered, the right arm carried trees and logs of various shapes and sizes, while the feft held two lion-scorpion-bat things found whilst deforesting the area. The second one tried to attack the shovel itself, before getting thrown into the ground by it.
An elegant looking pot caught the attention of wandering eyes on the way inside. It stood on a pedestal untouched by mother natures efforts to destroy it. He could not pick it up as his hands were full, it did make him think.
I should try to figure out who lived here, and if they still exist. Perhaps what little people were here moved on, or died out...who am I kidding, they probably would scream in terror if I came across them.
Trees were stuffed into a “cubby” as it were, and he sat down on the floor to give the dead animals a closer examination. I have no idea what these are, given their size the fight they put up was hardly anything...mmm...the bat wings are leathery, perhaps they could be of some use...I should cut of the tail, and maybe the head just to be safe.
I know eating an unknown creature is a big no no, but the fact that I found two may mean that they are quite common sources of meat. Again, beggars can't be choosers, but there should be a difference between smart and stupid.
I’ll only eat what parts I know are safe, like the heart, liver… He looked at the end of the hall where the thrones sat. I could try to construct a fire pit here, but I would hate to destroy what remains of this once glorious place. But survivalists can't be picky about these things, my life is on the line after all.
Setting the monster down, a hand reached for the backpack where he retrieved a used water bottle, half way empty. Hydration in the wilderness is one of the most important things to keep in check, and the remaining liquid disappeared down the large throat. Leaning against the wall, the nature’s music howled through the castle like an idle organ.
A sound was heard, the sound of something hitting wood. Not sharp and fast like a mere woodpecker, one of an indistinguishable tone. Sitting straight up, he heard it again. Its rhythmic, like knocking on a door...Oh right! This place has a front door! The little people must be here!”
Quickly, he scrambled to get back to the outside, leaving the bottle behind. Once he reached the spot where he could step over the front wall, his sight was greeted by some little, colorful creatures. There seemed to be six of them, but as for what they were was beyond him.
One thing he did know was that they were the cutest things he had ever seen. Evident by the large eyes staring intensely at him. He realized that the creatures were just staring at him with no sense of what to do, as was he.
Ok, well if they had the sense to knock before entering, and that it seems they’re pulling carts with, cleaning supplies? Perhaps they are the ones who built this, at this point I’m pretty sure I'm not somewhere familiar to home. Regardless, I’m being rude not doing anything but staring.
“Hello?”
The group before him took a step back as if hit by a gust of wind. The pink one however shouted something back at him, and waved her limb around in a playful manner. Apparently this behavior was deemed inappropriate by the others who sushed the pink one. This caused a heated discussion among the group as to what to do next.
It sounds like gibberish, but it does sound like a coherent language kind of gibberish, so they are definitely a form of intelligent beings. I'm wearing clothes and glasses, so that should be a good indicator of intelligence for them, hopefully.
Not sure what to do next, he returned the waving action to pink, and spoke again, with much more confidence. “Hello there!” It once again tried to wave back, but found the limbs restricted by a white companion. Seeing how this was going nowhere fast, the human took more action.
Stepping over the threshold silenced the area once more with a deep thud. Trying not to seem completely intimidating, the man crouched down before kneeling on his knees, reducing the height by more than half. The distance between them was about two yards.
Umm, think, how do I show that I’m friendly in a culturally universal way?
Hushed words floated around the colored midgets directed at manner to the yellow one, who spoke even quieter.
Eureka! A gift! Offering gifts of food or valuables has been a sign of peace in almost any culture, but what do I have?...I got fresh meat, nuts, beans, Chex Mix, dried meat, ummm, anything on hand?-YES!
Reaching into his back pocket, our protagonist pulled out a box of small candy.
My emergency supply of tic-tacs! Not ideal, but I hope they like orange flavor…
The new box popped open with a flick of a thumb, and a few shakes persuaded a small pile of tacs to fall in his hand, this hand was then stretched out to meet them partway. He knew full well that this would appear to be a more fitting for a dog, but given the difference in size, it made sense in his mind.
Predictably, Pink was the first to respond almost immediately, but this time it bounced in great arcs; putting it outside the grasp of protective guardians (who were now yelling at it again), and landing in front of the man’s palm. In a fit of panic, the blue one flew at impressive speeds to catch the resistant creature, but Pink dodged and ducked in what looked like a silly dance. The blue flyer ran into the wall in an amazing lack of thinking ahead, leaving the victor with the spoils.
Pink eyeballed the large orange candy, that was about as big as an apple, in awe. Bending down onto its belly, Pink leaned in for a closer look, curiously a single hoof reached out to the object and poked it. Seeing that nothing happened the creature rose back up onto haunches and raised an eyebrow, the little one looked to the human for guidance. The Man smiled and popped the cap, which he then tipped back into his mouth swallowing a few pieces. Getting the message the being beamed with delight and took the large candy into limbs and engulfed the whole thing in a little maw, but found the treat hard to chew. However, the critter started to suck on it, and a small “mmm” escaped closed lips.
Oh, my heart! It is so adorable!
Another one was taken, and another, each following an identical face of pleasure. Fortunately for cute receptors, his focus was on her design and appearance.
It looks female, judging by the eyelashes, otherwise men have some weird taste in fashion. The face doesn't ring any bells, but the hair, body and legs all resemble that of equine variety; just much more fictional and whimsical.
Hearing a soft flutter from the side, he saw the yellow one above his shoulder. He smiled, when it landed on his head. Why?! Why are they so cute!?! I can only take so much!
Little did he realize that the head was one of the safer places to be in this circumstance. He felt her toy with his black hair, not aggressively though, more like a petting motion. At this point I’ll just refer to them as females, less brain work.
Wanting to see her face to face, the other arm softly grabbed the little horse, who did not try to resist, but did emit a chirp of surprise.
When he brought her down to his field of vision, it was discovered that she was upside down in his grasp wearing a “put me down” face. He also discovered how much more cute this one was compared to Pink.
Feeling no more candy in his other hand he retracted it, only to find the thumb clenched between two pink little hooves that shook it pleadingly.
So you want a ride too?
Yellow found herself free, but Pink called to her from the perch on the man's palm. Cupping the hands together in a shallow angle for the pair to converse together on. Yellow landed and the duo happily shared words gazing at their new found friend. The two horses could barely fit in both hands with a few centimeters to spare on all sides.
In a flash of light, both disappeared and reappeared in a corresponding one right back where they started, he even saw that Blue retreated at some point. What just happened?
“Twilight, was that really necessary?” Fluttershy politely asked, and continued, “He may seem big and intimidating, but he really is such a sweetie.” Her eyes begged for an understanding.
“Fluttershy, no offense, but you say that about most dangerous animals,” Twilight was not fazed by this petty begging.
Pinkie interjected, “He’s not dangerous! He’s fun! What's yo prob with my big home dog?”
“Please,” Twilight begged, “don't talk like that, and I-well...I’ll explain once we get inside. Can you get him to open the door?”
“Sure!” Pinkie began to shout as loudly as possible, “HEY! CAN YOU OPEN THE DOOR PLEASE?!?” She pointed at the accused entryway repeatedly.
The giant nodded and held up a finger before getting up and heading back inside the castle.
“I dont know what that means but sure!”
Twilight sighed, “Pinkie, this is serious, he could be dangerous!”
This peaked interest in AppleJack, “How do you know? Seems awful nice ta me...”
Twilight rubbed her temple as best possible with her hoof, “We’ve dealt with giants before…they never turnout to be friendly.” She stopped rubbing and looked at her friends hoping to incite her reasoning. “He could be no different than the rest.”
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An interesting concept, my dear author! I shall look into this later.
Okay turns out I had more free time than I thought, time to read!
*Beginning*
Okay overall this is still an interesting concept, your writing style isn't bad in the slightest. Matter of fact the amount of detail and your choice of words in the descriptions make this read rather entertaining.
But the problem I do have with this story though the character's dialogue. I found myself in the beginning of this story cringing at the Mane six's conversation. It felt very clunky and lifeless to me, I find it hard to describe because I myself have never been in this position. Actually I found myself in the opposite, I always had trouble with descriptions but have astounding dialogue and keeping the canon characters in check.
But alas as I continued to read I found the dialogue proceedingly getting worse. Rainbow Dash is constantly spouting her usually one liners, Twilight it being her smart self as usual, and so forth for the rest of the characters. Yes this is to be expected seeing that these are already characters with personalities we've all come to know. But then again we already see where this is going.
*Half Way*
Now we get to the giant human, possibly the "biggest" relief I get so far. The only problem I really see with this so far is, the giant seems very accepting of this. Reading his thoughts I'm now beginning to think this man is bloody Bear Grylls, it literally reads as if he'd plan this, which in a way he kinda did when I soon found out he was originally on a camping trip. Which now brings question on how he got to Equestria, which might actually be the first of Arc of this story.
I think this sentence needs a bit of rewording, seems very out of place compared to the rest.
You could probably shorten this thought a bit.
*Finished and Ending thoughts*
This story has potential, shit this story could actually be outstandingly fantastic. But surely it needs work, already I've found a few cliches a man coming into Equestria not freaking out. But what I do like what you did is instead of having him flip shit, instead you made him relatively confused. But him finding them cute and flipping out over them seemed kinda... odd.
I'm assuming your character is a hiker and loves nature, so I could see that kinda justified. So I'll let that slide. Other than that the final half with the mane six, again was really freaking weird. The pony dialogue really needs work my friend, I suggest getting an editor or even a few pre readers.
Shit hire an army like I do for my fics, the more the merrier. I hope you find this informative first time I actually done something like this. Just fix the pony dialogue, build your human character, give him personality maybe mention his family and home life and you'll have a good character. Avoid the cliches do not go down the ex soldier line *please don't do that for a while I thought he was going to be one* and I can assure you this story could be a success.
Love my man, keep it up got my attention.
I wonder if he has lots of gadgets?
There's always that one guy who would downvote a good story such as this. I love this! Why the downvote?
*definitely
Ooooooohhhh you beat me, I was going to write a giant human in Equestria first.
In the description:
Is that supposed to be "definitely"?
I am reminded of those early mlp meme pictures.
Such as:
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...Would that be an accurate size difference, right there?
Well, I'm no survivalist, but I'd think eating the internal organs of a creature would be inherently less safe than the flesh. Much higher chemical concentrations, and all that. Shark liver, for example, can contain lethal doses of vitamin E.
Never seen a story quite like this one. Definitely following it.
an interesting concept but your characters are OOC,and you are jumping around from first to third person within your points of view.
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I had been imagining them about 2/3 of that size, I wouldn't know which is accurate though.
4476860
No, he's not switching first and third person perspectives at all. The whole giant section was "he" ... can you not distinguish italicized thoughts from the rest of the paragraph? If you can't, you have no business pointing that out as an "error" in the first place since it's not one at all.
Finally! I've always wanted to see this kind of fic.
4476923 Eh. Maybe the guy in the picture has small hands.
And this is how a human in Equestira should go calling the mane 6 cute and fluffy
All the characters "sound" the same. Quite frankly I felt that Applejack and Fluttershy were rather out of character without their speech inflections.
Looks good, will follow.
Perfect
This I like!
You have my attention.
More please
Aaand Fav'd.
Fuuuuuuuuck!!!
Why do my ideas keep getting used before I can use theeeeeemmm???
Give me a few moments and I'll get to reading. I just need a little pity party going for myself.
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As a relatively new person to the writing side of this website, I do not have a way to accurately describe my initial reaction to the story's huge success, but Rainbow says it quite nicely
so yeah, this came to me as a surprise.
I would think that this would have been done before in a similar fashion, apparently not...
4476016
I agree in that I am in desperate need of an editor or two, but for the record, I just finished my high school junior year. I have much to learn about professional writing.
That said I would appreciate a recommendation for an editor, as I said, I'm new to the writing biz.
And something tells me from the comments that I need to work on my dialogue, duly noted. Perfect excuse to rewatch some episodes!
Otherwise, I will continue to write this story as much as possible!
Truly lovely.
Looking forward to more!
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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So... ponies are small enough so that he can fit two of them in a single hand?
anyways, faved, upvoted, and followed
liked and faved, i hope you keep writing this, i can't wait
There's something about the character dialogues, they seem... odd, wrong even. I think it comes off too clinically to be natural ways of speaking, not to mention that the mane six are somewhat OOC.
Also, try to stick to either first or third person when writing.
The giant concept has always been a fun one to play with, but I think your story may be the first time I've ever seen it taken with any kind of seriousness.
I look forward to reading more of this.
However, the scale seems to be slightly inconsistent. If the trees only come up to his waist, the castle ruins should be far too small for him to be in; the trees come up to the midway point on it too, after all.
img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20131202170325/mlp/images/7/74/Castle_of_the_Two_Sisters_at_nighttime_S4E03.png
Saying the tictacs are the size of an apple to a pony puts them on scale with a mouse, meaning that the manticore should have been much smaller than a cat; probably around the size of a rat.
As for the survival aspect, well, I'd say that it's mostly fine. You could have played around with it a bit more, made the first chapter longer, so he has a chance to see more sights, but that's okay. I personally don't like the shovaxe as a tool—I think it's impractical—but to each his own.
I was planning to write a one-shot like this as practice... but I suppose you beat me to it. I was planning on the scale being that Celestia is the size of a house-cat.
If people are still having trouble with the size this is a representation of what I'm going for.
static.trustedreviews.com/94/000029771/c94e/one-max-3.jpg
This is the HTC One Max smart Phone (I own one which is why I'm using it as a representation). It is a 164.5mm X 82.5mm device. Twilight could perfectly stand on the front surface area.
The manticores would be large cats, the Tacs could still be compared to an apple (as said in the story, a small one) and if two ponies were sitting, one could fit per hand.
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They are the flesh, and we are the hunters!
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You can always do your own version. There is never a limit based around a single story idea.
I should first say that I really like this story, and hope you continue. It's a unique idea, and for your first fic it's well written.
I should also point out the grammar mistakes I found, since I've seen other people around this site do this in reviews and wanted to try it for once.
left
seriousness. Serious is an adjective; fun, the way you've used it, is a noun.
doesn't
I can think of a few ways to rephrase this - "It was unusual in that it had no sheath, exposing its blade", perhaps?
You seem to be misusing its and it's. It's means it is or it has. Say,
Its is possessive. Say,
The dialogue's a bit off, too. As a general rule, Rainbow Dash might use the % line once in a fanfic, to homage the meme.
Another off bit is
Think of it this way - can you actually picture Rainbow Dash saying "creature or animal" out loud? Would she use the word average in a sentence?
4476016
Although to be fair, yes he should be worried about getting home but it's hard to be afraid for one's person when you are a literal giant.
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Let's ride on a 3-Dimensional Gear of Love, over the Titans of Friendship...and then KILL THEM.
But the important question is this:
Are Man's atoms human reality sized, or pony reality sized?
Also, I like that he doesn't immediately identify them as ponies. MLP ponies look like ponies in only the vaguest sense.
4478252 I never said he had to be afraid, but being worried or even the slightest bit nervous would help give him more character. Yes there is one part where he questions why he's tall or where he is. But that is it and surely won't be enough, seeing that there is no comedy tag. The author may be trying to take this story seriously.
So in order to take the main character seriously he's going to have to show more emotion besides, "Gotta drink my own piss to survive because that's what the discovery channel said (or specifically Bear Grylls)"
Which can easily be developed in ways such as these:
Over time through the Protagonist's journey back home, he begins to slowly lose hope.
Or you can take the cliche route and have Celestia or one of the main six flat out tell him.
Or my personal favorite, flash backs or dreams of the Protagonist's home life.
(You could even do all three of these)
It's good to have nice back stories for your Protagonist it develops good character, another thing is personality and how he reacts with other characters (A.K.A personality).
Which we did get those things (save for the flash backs and solution if can get home or not) but in only little doses. Which isn't bad at all, but as of now. All I received from this story is that our Protagonist is fascinated by neature and that he's obsessed with Bear Grylls and the Discovery Channel.
4477385 If you ever need help friend, just remember, of Sunday on the sixth month, at dawn. Look to the horizon and you'll see me, standing there and if you really, really need help. Call me and I'll come, (but I'm not good at zee grammarzz... but I'll help you with plot and character development–oh and dialogue.)
You don't really need to wait that long just hit me up whenever you need assistance. Preferably every chapter if you want me as a proof reader/editor guy from space Mars.
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I could write a short epic about what you described, in fact I will! Be right back!
4478500 That's what I'm here for, to provide ideas for you and help you exceed at making really interesting characters and plot devices.
Its like Paul Bunion, but with magic, and instead of a blue cow, he gets to ride a dragon (hopefully).
This. Is. Adorable.
Seriously, awesome work! The only 'advice' I can give is to work on dialog and grammer, but this is honestly pretty great already.
Can't wait for the next chapter!
4478055 It's the principle of the matter my friend.
KIYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOjjjjjjjjjIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN
4479154 True... but it still doesn't stop you. hell it could be a man/woman and their group of friends that end up in Equestria.... or maybe they are like half the size of the ponies or something.