• Member Since 9th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 28th, 2015

Azusa


i herd u liek mudkips

T

From first love to disapproving parents, from school dances to discovering the difficulties of living together, Cloudchaser and Flitter embark on a journey together that will last them a lifetime.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 27 )

This story is good, but there's one thing that bothers me....Flitter and Cloudchaser are sisters....I thought this was going to be about them and Thunderlane, so yeah. I had to dislike it because of the fact that they are indeed sibblings...

2382015
They're sisters? Really? It doesn't mention this on their Enterplay trading card.

2382015 according to who? Unless Faust says they are, they're just two similarly colored Pegasi.

2382015
I think that's a fanon thing, not something from the show.

Anyhow, COMMENCE READ!

OK, I read it. It's a decent start, but you definitely need to slow things down. The core story is really cute (albeit cliched as hell), but the pacing is waaaay too fast. You're cramming a lot of stuff into very few words, and you're not really developing the characters at all. It feels like a hyper-caffienated summary of a story, not an actual story. Take your time and get to know these ponies, and don't rush through important events and developments. Like I said, the core story is cute and can totally work; you just have to dial it down from warp nine.

2382161 I'm curious. Was Faust working on the show when Hurricane Fluttershy was being made? If she was, then yeah, her word would be very helpful.

2382629 Faust was just a consulting producer during the second season so I doubt she had much to do with minor characters/background ponies. She said that she could only guess about the in-universe reasons for Luna's new design so it's safe to assume that the relationship between these two is something that has never or will never really cross her mind

Good start. But slooooow down.

It's a little too fast. I bet you can make two chapters out of this one. Anyway, great chapter!

m16

wait.. i read an awesome fic that says difficulties living togeather. now the fic is complete and they barely in high school is anyone else going wth?

It's been a long time since I last read a chapter of this. I missed reading this. :scootangel:

I think you left the story without an ending, which is good to me. I can think of many ways for an ending, even some that result to clop marriage an intimate moment.

Although the story was rushed and their dialogues weren't exactly fitting their personalities, I still like it! This is the first Cloudchaser X Flitter story I ever read. But there are some errors:

Despite the fact that she hadden seen Silverspeed much at school anymore, she still hadn’t made any new friends besides Cloudchaser.

It should be "hadn't".

From the kitchen, they could hear breakfast cooking.

Silly Azusa, breakfasts don't cook.

:raritywink:

So, what happened here? You were picking up speed, things started aligning... Then it stopped. I'll try to catch you again later.

2382015 doesn't say they're sisters in the story, so why does it matter? they're only sisters according to the author or if it's canonized. even then it doesn't coincide with the fic

Comment posted by Azusa deleted Oct 31st, 2013

2382136
It's more of a fanon thing. It's like trying to make Lyra a stoic leader, who's never met Bon-Bon in her life. It's so widely accepted, that to deviate from it seems weird.
Also, the cards aren't exactly the best source of information. I don't recall Shining Armor and Cadence sharing the Element of Love, for one example.

Good story!
I think Flitter's mom knows more then she's letting on... :rainbowhuh:

I am rather disappoint.

As others have said, much too fast. Chapters are way too short. Random jump of several years. And that wasn't an ending. If you don't plan to actually finish this, a "cancelled" would be appreciated.

3853238
Okay, I've changed it so that it's clearer that the story really ends with chapter two.

I realize I'm coming in a bit on the late side, but I just got around to reading this, and I dislike to leave a downvote without commenting.

I had hopes for this story, and there is a good bit of potential here for these two, but as written, this feels much more like an outline than an actual story. There's a lot of skeleton events recounted in an extremely short time, with no chance for the reader to feel any of them, and very little information surrounding any of them either.

For instance: Why would Flitter sneak into the rainbow factory with a filly she barely knows? What exactly do their classmates have against 'eggheads'? Why were they all so quick to abandon Flitter for being friends with Cloudchaser? Why did saving the foal suddenly make her want to talk with Cloudchaser? There are endless unanswered questions.

And to make matters worse, this story was just one long string of tells. Almost everything that happened was told to the reader. There were very few actions or feelings to empathize with. It was like watching an actor sitting in front of a camera narrating a movie while the action happens in the background behind frosted glass.

I would love to read a fully realized story about these two and their trials and tribulations growing up and discovering their bond, but unfortunately, this isn't it.

4831699
Well I did write the story over a year ago.

If it makes you feel any better, a couple of the projects I'm working on now are about characters that are somewhat similar to Cloudchaser and Flitter.

From first love to disapproving parents, from school dances to discovering the difficulties of living together, Cloudchaser and Flitter embark on a journey together that will last them a lifetime.

You may want to change this. It's misleading and only leads the reader to disappointment. At least it did for me.

Feels unfinished and far to short.

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