Rainbow Dash was spending her day off doing what she does best, napping the afternoon away on a nice and comfy cloud. But when Pinkie Pie comes over, with something to show her, her day goes crazy and she needs to find a way to make Pinkie smile again.
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It's a sweet story, but you really need to get a proof reader on it, or just go it over one more time, reading it out loud some times helps. I enjoyed it, but it's not very memorable.
So this was...pretty much exactly what I was expecting.
We've had our arguments of RainbowPie vs FlutterDash and as a result I'm really familiar with your headcanon on the subject (and vice versa I imagine) This felt kinda like an extension of those discussions.
I will second the comment on the grammar.
I do think one big problem was how Rainbow Dash got into a relationship with Pinkie. I think I know what you were going for (the idea of Rainbow not having anything against the relationship and so decided to give Pinkie a chance) but instead it came off as Rainbow Dash being guilted into the relationship, which just screams of an unhealthy relationship. Particularly when it's coupled with Rainbow Dash's passivity in the relationship it really feels like Rainbow Dash isn't invested in the relationship.
4473223I Honestly did not expect you to read this story.
I think my second, third, and fifth stories handle what I'm trying to get at a bit better than this one, though I honestly don't expect you to read those wither(Equestria Girls Fics)
To be completely Honest, I wasn't even expecting this to get approved, as it's my worst fic from the batch.
Should I maybe have spent more time in the days after the hook up?
I knew I wanted to do just three chapters with this, and had specific events in mind for each chapter.
4473323
Well I figured I'd give it a shot.
As for the issue I brought up earlier, yeah that would help. But another solution is just working on the word choice in the first and third chapter.
What I think this misses most as a story is structure. Yes the dialogue and writing can be a little bit stilted at times but I can actually get thorugh it OK. What makes this story alright but not great is that it lacks any sort of strong classic story structure. IT does not really build to something, it lacks a real conflict, it does not have a real climax, and then we do not get much of a denouement afterwords. Now I am not saying it completely lacks these things as you could say it was building up to the two of them having sex, you could say the conflict was whether it would happen or not, and that the sex itself was the climax but none of these things felt as being that strong. Each of these factors need to be built up more in the narrative and if you do so the story itself gets stronger which can overcome weakness in grammar (to a point but your grammar is nowhere near that bad).
I love PinkieDash so that part I liked a lot. I think you had some decent ideas but your inexperience makes this story almost more of an outline of what the story could be. Sort of like this is a draft of the basic premise and now you can go in and build up each section to make it a full higher quality story. Do note it is not so much the length (you can make a high quality short story) it is more how you use your words to build up the story.
I think you did a good job and the best way to improve is to keep reading and writing. Good luck.
I'm not liking the first person, would be better in first person because it kinda gets confusing.
4580267 I don't get it...
This was a nice story.
4580267 What.
6657008
5217036
I don't even get it. Must have been a typo... or I was very tired. I usually read late a night, so the second one is probably true.
Sorry for the confusion.
6658517 haha. It happpens to the best of us. Once my friend said that there was a murderous clown named Chucky. Guess who he killed? Chucky.
7253555
Yay!
Woah "Bedroom Stuff"?
(Pinkie That's Kinda Wierd For Another Word For.... You Know... S.... e....... x)
Oh I'm A Pervert Now Aye? (I Probably Am)