What actually happened.
“Twilight, I wanted to tell you that I have loved you ever since you made me remember who I was when Discord took over. From then on, I've loved you, but I didn't want to say anything because I didn't know how you'd react, but I had to tell you at some point and I thought this would be the best time,” Rainbow Dash took in a deep breath, steadying herself for what she was about to say, Twilight looking into her cerise eyes, “Twilight, will you be my special somecookie?”
“Of course, Rainbow Dash, I’d love to be your special some-” Twilight then noticed the flaw in what Rainbow had said, “Special what-now?”
“Special somecookie,” Rainbow Dash repeated solemnly, “I want you to be my special somecookie. Isn't that right, Pinkie?”
“Sure is, Dashie!” Pinkie Pie morphed out from the crystalline walls of the castle with a tray of cupcakes, “Want one, Twi?” she said whilst offering the cupcakes to Twilight
Errrrrrr was all that Twilight was thinking at this time. It was also at this point that Rarity burst through the doors.
“WHERE’S MY SPIKEY-WIKEY!” Rarity cried out, her voice echoing around the room.
One of the cupcakes that Pinkie had brought with her fell to the floor, grew legs and stood up. This cupcake thing then stretched upwards and with a puff of icing sugar, became Spike. Twilight just stood there, staring slack-jawed at what she had just seen. Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash just stood there, like this was a normal thing.
“Hello Rarity,” the cupcake-Spike said, “What can I do for you?”
“Spike, I want to marry you! Will you take my hand and become my wife?”
…But Spike’s a boy… Twilight’s mind thought again. Unfortunately, Twilight had lost all control of her body and had started to melt into a lavender coloured pile of jelly on the floor
“Yes, of course Rarity! Rainbow, will you marry us?”
And so it came to be that Rainbow Dash married Spike and Rarity, with Fluttershy designing the dresses and Applejack making the cakes whilst Pinkie Pie scooped jelly-Twilight off the floor and put her in a jar of-
BANG
Twilight opened her eyes to see that she was now on the floor of her bedroom, having rolled off her bed and fell to the floor. She immediately looked at her legs, checking that they were not actually jelly, and that she was not in a jar. Standing up, she looked at the clock on her bedside table to see that it was seven o’clock in the morning: the time she normally woke up at.
It was a dream, thank Celestia Twilight thought to herself. She then magically checked her glass of water to ensure that it was actually water, which she was relieved to find out that that is exactly what it was. Making a mental note to study what her dream meant, she continued with her morning routine. Now to get a shower and start re-ordering books for the Castle. Just because the Library was destroyed by an evil creature hellbent on taking over Equestria doesn't let Ponyville go without reading!
Rainbow Dash had her head resting on a table at Sugarcube corner with Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie surrounding her. It was a commonly known fact that she had a crush on Twilight, but Twilight being Twilight, she hadn't a clue. Rarity also had a nagging feeling that Twilight also had a small crush on Rainbow Dash (after reading about five-hundred romance books, she considered herself a 'love expert'), and was trying to tell Rainbow that she had to 'Pony Up' as it were, and tell Twilight her feelings. The rest of the small group were echoing Rarity: Fluttershy saying that she should, if Rainbow wanted to.
"Come on, dear, we all know that you have a thing for Twilight except for Twilight!" Rarity spoke to the cyan ball of fur, "You just need to tell her and then she'll say yes and you can be a happy couple together and-"
"-ya need to stop getting ahead of ya self, Rarity. Whilst Rainbow here might like Twilight, we don't know about Twilight herself. Hay, for all we know she could be in a relationship with a book!" Applejack said, cutting across Rarity.
"I don't think she's in a relationship with a book" Fluttershy said.
"Come on, Dashie, you need to tell her and then you'll know what she thinks of you!" Pinkie exclamed to the entire shop. Rainbow lifter her head to say something, but got cut off by Pinkie "She's your friend! She won't hate you forever. What's the worst that could happen? Twilight starts thinking that you are constantly checking her out or that-" a thump came from across the table as Rainbow let her head fall back onto the table, "she hates you forever for having feelings for her or mmpphh!"
Applejack chose this moment to stuff her hoof into Pinkie's mouth to get her to stop talking.
"Rainbow, why don't you just tell her your feelings and let Twilight decide her response. She's Twilight, what do you think she'll do? She won't be mad at you! We were her first friends; we helped her defeat Nightmare moon, Discord, Tirek! Do you really think that she'll hate you after all we've been through?" Fluttershy, the voice of reason, said uncharacteristically clear.
Rainbow lifted her head, thinking about what Fluttershy had said. Her brain worked to create a solution and, sitting up straight, she announced to the table "I'm going to tell Twilight"
"That's great dear! Do let us know when you are going to-" Rarity began, but Rainbow said one word that stopped her talking.
"Now"
The table went quiet.
"If I wait any longer," Rainbow began, "then I'll break down again. I can't do this again, I'm Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash doesn't break down, so I'll go before I give myself the chance." With that said, Rainbow flew out the door, leaving a Rainbow streak in the sky pointing towards the castle.
"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going down to the castle to see how they get on." Rarity spoke to the the shocked group. When they all looked at her, Rarity added "in an hour, of course!"
Rainbow sped across the sky towards Twilight's castle, not slowing down so that she couldn't escape from her 'fate'. Landing softly, she trotted up to the door and knocked three times, forcing her legs to stop wobbling or from turning around and taking her away. Before she could act on any of these impulses, the door opened and Spike came out.
"Heya Rainbow, what can I do for you?" the purple dragon asked.
"C-Could I speak to Twilight please. It's rather urgent."
"Sure thing! I'll go get her now. Come in, you know where things are, make yourself at home"
As Spike went upstairs, Rainbow steadied herself for what was about to come.
-------Mini transition thing, but not like the last breaks-------
Twilight was sitting in her room, pouring over pages and pages of notes that she had written about her dream. She had analysed it with whatever she could think of, but had not come up with anything definate. Maybe I have a crush on her? That would explain why I hang out with her more often than the rest of the group, but I don't know. I've never loved someone like this before! What does it feel like? Maybe I should ask Spike, he knows about love, seeing has he is in love with Rarity
It was at this moment that Spike entered the room
"Twilight, you've got a visitor!" Spike announced
Aah, just the person I needed to see Twilight thought to herself. "Who is it and can it wait? I need to ask you a question" Twilight responded
"It's Rainbow Dash, and she said it's urgent." At the mention of Rainbow's name, Twilight felt her heart flutter. What was that about she thought to herself, but left it.
"I'm coming down now, hang on" Twilight shouted, hoping that Rainbow could hear her.
-------Another mini transition-------
"What can I do for you, Rainbow?" Twilight asked the blue pegasus.
"W-Well, I just need to talk to you about something."
"Of course, you can talk to me about anything" Twilight said with a smile, putting Rainbow at ease, sort of.
Rainbow closed her eyes and began spilling her heart out. "Well, you see, Twilight, I wanted to tell you that I have loved you ever since you made me remember who I was when Discord took over but I've just been too scared. From then on, I've loved you, but I didn't want to say anything because I didn't know how you'd react, but I had to tell you at some point and I thought this would be the best time,” Rainbow Dash took in a deep breath, steadying herself for what she was about to say, “Twilight, will you be my special-"
"Ohhhh, noooooooo, Rainbow, I couldn't do that! If I let you keep talking, then Pinkie would appear and make a cupcake turn into Spike, who would then marry rarity and I'd turn into jelly!" Twilight cut Rainbow off, grinning madly, with locks of her hair popping up every so often.
I was not expecting this thought Rainbow. "Twilight, are you OK?" Rainbow asked, whilst slowly walking backwards, eyes never leaving Twilight.
"Oh I'm OK, Rainbow, I'm preventing myself melting into jelly! I couldn't be better!"
"SPIKE!!!" Rainbow shouted, now visibly scared
"What do you need Rainbow, is everything-" Spike looked around the room and saw Twilight "oooooohhhhhhhhhhhh. You'd better go, Rainbow"
Rainbow didn't need telling twice. The last time she saw Twilight like this, she had made everyone fall in love with a doll. The last thing she heard Spike say was "Go to your happy place Twilight, Think books!"
Rarity left Sugarcube Corner to go to the Castle to congratulate the new couple on their get-together. As she got near, she heard Twilight ask Spike about love, and thought that this is where the 'Love-expert' should come in. She knocked on the door and was greeted with Twilight looking like she had just crawled out of bed.
"Hello Rarity, what can I help you with?"
"What can I help you with, darling? How's paradise with Rainbow?"
Twilight shuddered. "Paradise? No. Rainbow came in here saying that she loved me, but it was so much like a dream that I had where everything went crazy: In it, you married Spike!"
"Rarity married me? Tell me more!" Spike exclaimed, poking his head out of the kitchen.
Twilight began to explain her dream to the two of them. "But really, she couldn't love me! I'm an egghead, I'm uncool..." Twilight started to get depressed as she realized just why it had to be a dream. Rarity saw this and put two and two together
"You love Rainbow Dash, don't you."
"Wha?" Twilight said, half dazed by this sudden statement
"You're putting yourself down and telling yourself you can't love her!" Realization struck Rarity like a bolt of lighting. "That's why your dream went weird because you tried to tell yourself that it couldn't happen! Tell me, dear, do you feel different when you think about her?"
Twilight thought. She remembered how she felt when she heard her name, and how her heart fluttered. She remembered that she hung out more often with Rainbow than anyone else. She remembered the obvious truth.
"I-I do"
Rarity smirked. "Why don't you tell her? She loves you. Before she came here today, she came to see us all and tell us that she couldn't confess to you. It's been like this for a few weeks now."
"Stay right here" Twilight said to them before taking off into the sky in search of Rainbow.
"So, Rarity, Do you thing that we could ever get married?"
The love-expert paused at this. She had not thought that Spike would ask this. "errrrrr"
Rainbow flew home, went inside and fell onto her bed. That could have turned out badly. Well, at least the didn't make me fall in love with a doll, she just..just... Suddenly, it hit her. Twilight rejected her. Oh.
Rainbow started to cry.
-------Mini transition-------
Twilight had been searching for hours now. The sun had almost set and Twilight was getting desperate. She had searched everywhere except one place, her house. Landing delicately on the cloud structure, she walked up to the door and knocked on it.
"Rainbow, are you in there?"
Twilight listened, but couldn't hear anything. Just as she was about to leave, she heard a sob, and then the door opened.
"T-Twilight?"
Rainbow looked terrible. Her coat was matted from tears and her eyes were red and puffy from crying.
"Rainbow!"
Twilight ran to Rainbow Dash and embraced her. Slowly, Twilight maneuvered Rainbow back inside her house and sat her down and began to talk.
"I'm sorry, Rainbow, sorry for everything. It's just that I had a dream where you would ask me out, and then everything went wrong. Then, Rarity came over and told me about you and that you had been trying to see me and tell me for weeks, but never had the chance, and I'm so sorry that I lost it and made you feel like I didn't care" Twilight almost cried out. She then told Rainbow about her dream, until she got cut off by Rainbow
"Hold on T-Twilight. How do you know that you made me feel like I didn't care?"
Twilight looked at Rainbow.
"I have allergies to...er...Dust"
Twilight put a hoof over Dash's shoulders. "It's OK. You don't have to hide your feelings from me. I didn't get to answer your question properly anyway. Will you ask me again?"
Rainbow looked into Twilight's eyes, the endless violet almost completely consuming her. Taking a deep breath, she prepared herself again to ask Twilight the question.
"Twilight, will you be my special somepony?"
Twilight brought Rainbow in close to her, feeling her breathe against her chest and said one word, one word that changed both of their lives forever.
"Yes"
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I'd say it's pretty good for a first fic. Though you might want to change the incomplete tag to complete. And it seems kinda rushed through the entire thing, just a little more so at the end. (I'm in the same boat with pacing) And I'd be curious to see where you're thinking of taking this for a sequel.
4471017 Thank you! Regarding pacing, i just wanted to get it out of my head before I forgot it. I was thinking that I might get a better idea sooner or later that I could write without forgetting it very quickly. Also, I was thinking about how people react to them becoming a couple or their actual date as a sequel
Adaaaw<3 ^^
Sequel plz ^^
How do you know that you made me feel like I didn't care?
4471138 I shall get started on it shortly
Pacing was a bit fast throughout, and there were quite a few grammatical mistakes, though for the most part they were small and could easily be taken care of with an extra editing pass. Plot was interesting enough, though I think this is over reacting even for Twilight, without previous events from her dream mirrored in her life at least. She doesn't go nuts at the drop of a hat; it takes time to progress. The characters were... alright, some of the dialogue was a bit off, and most of it felt forced. You had a lot of run-on sentences, especially in speech, and this caused a very unnatural feeling in the dialogue.
All in all, very well done for your first story.
4471474 YAY
4471641 Yeah, it was rather forced. I re-read it now and realized it really is. I'll put a note of my reflection on it somewhere (authors notes, new chapter, that kind of thing). Hopefully, I won't make the same mistake next time!
This was adorable and quite humorous. It was...no, I'm not going to combine those words together. Adorable and humorous just aren't meant to be. Twilight and Rainbow are though. I liked this little idea of yours.
LOVED IT
Make a sequel!
4478742 I'll get started on it shortly, but my GCSE exams re-start tomorrow, so I don't know when I'll get time to work on it. Hopefully, Tuesday, as I have nothing on then (I've got one on Monday and one on Wednesday)
>>Twilight_Scratch You take all the time u need. I've got finals coming up. Ugh why do we even need them?!
4480180 You take all the time you need. I've got finals coming up as well.
4480186 Finally! I've been able to set a date that I can get back to working on it! That'll be tomorrow, and hopefully I can push the story for the end of this week.
4570031 AWESOME
4570031 WRITING A NEW STORY
4471641 Also: Just read your stories and realized just how good you are. First thought:
OhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGosh A legend posted on my story!!!!!
4570420
Whoa... that's.... that's a new reaction to my comment...
I wouldn't call myself a legend though, just some guy who kept writing until he had some semblance of skill to show for it.
Still, I'm flattered you think that.
4570376 ...And my family came down and I've been told to 'Spend time with them'. Damn. I've been able to have FiMFiction open, but whenever I start writing, I get called down for being 'antisocial', hence the reason I wrote most of it on my mobile. Dear lord, it's horrible! Now to spend some time making it make coherent sense!
4579591
Thanks for reading!
4583666 yw hi lol
How'd this manage to slip through the cracks? Eh, it matters not, time to read.
Hmm, not a bad attempt for your first fic. You can tell that the writing's more than a little green, but if you keep on working at it, it will improve over time. My first piece of advice would be to find yourself a prereader and/or editor. They're great at helping spot any grammatical errors (which I won't point out here for sake of time and because lazy) and for helping you make sure that your pacing, flow, and characterizations are all smooth and coherent.
Firstly, while the initial premise is over-done (Rainbow loves Twilight but is scared to tell her and Twilight more than likely reciprocates these feelings but hasn't figured it out), I like the angle you tried to work it in. The recurrence of the dreams was a nice touch.
That being said, there's quite a bit of room for improvement here, and I'm confident that you can make said improvements over time. Like 4471641 said above, the pacing is one of the areas that I think needs the most work. It's not bad at the start (but even then looks a little rushed), but towards the second half of the story it spirals out of control, from Twilight's freak out to Rainbow bolting away to Twilight's realization to the get-together scene. A lot happens in so few words. Slow down and take the time to explain what's happening in each scene. What are the characters feeling? How does it show in their actions? How do they react? For example, in the Twilight-freak-out scene, you could have spent a fair bit of time (from Twi's perspective) showing how she broke down and started to enter manic-mode.
Also, remember to SHOW, not to TELL. It engages the reader more and makes for a better story overall.
These aren't really necessary. To the reader, this translates as sloppy work or perhaps conveys the idea that the fic wasn't entirely finished when it was uploaded. It's a small thing to fix, but it should probably be fixed all the same. Like I said above, take the time to expand on what's happening around the characters and in the situation.
All in all, this wasn't too bad for your first fic. You've got potential and a lot of room to improve (like all writers do). Best of luck with future fics, and I hope none of what I said was taken offensively, as it was not meant to be.
had some typos:
Great short story, I like it
That was some weird dream!
And some good story!