Hi, I'm Spike.
An excited giggling could be heard echoing through the halls of Canterlot Castle, accompanied by the swift clip-clop, clip-clop of small hooves skipping on the stone floors.
Hooves that belonged to a small, eight-year-old lilac unicorn filly by the name of Twilight Sparkle.
The reason for her excitement and why she was in the castle? Twenty-four hours ago, Twilight was performing her entrance exam for Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. Her task was to use her magic to hatch an artificial dragon egg made expressly for the exam. At first it seemed like she would be unable to complete it after several attempts.
Until a massive rumble from outside startled her, causing her magic to surge and hatch it. Unfortunately, it also went a little haywire, blowing a hole in the roof in the process. She struggled to get it back under control until Princess Celestia herself-who had noticed the blast and came to investigate-showed up and helped her. Impressed with the power Twilight demonstrated, Celestia announced the filly as her personal protege as well as informing her of her brand new Cutie Mark.
And today was her first day as that protege! She had dressed in her favorite purple blouse and skirt, hoping to make a good first impression."I still can't believe it!" She squealed, "Princess Celestia is going to teach me PERSONALLY! I have to be the luckiest filly in Canterlot, Mom!"
There was no response.
"Mom? Did you hear me?"
Silence.
"Mom, are you listening...?" She turned around, thinking her parents had gotten distracted by some of the decor.
No pony was there.
"Mom? Dad? Where'd you guys go?" She called out, "Did I get ahead of them too much?" She asked herself, trotting back to the corner she'd just came around.
The hallway was completely deserted.
Twilight laughed weakly, "All right, come on out, you got me..." She began to walk back down the hall, trying to retrace her steps, "Ok, this isn't funny anymore..." She called out as worry began to settle in and her pace quickened. Left, straight, then second right....or-or was it straight, right, then third left...?
"Mom!? Dad!?" Passing an old suit of armor, she noticed it was caked in dust and cobwebs. There was no way the ponies working here would allow something like that!
Unless...they never came here anymore...
The worry quickly gave way to fear when she realized that in her excitement, she'd wandered away from her parents and into an abandoned section of the castle. She took off into a run. "Mommy! Daddy!" She screamed, praying somepony-anypony-would hear her
Unfortunately, she was so scared, she didn't notice an old rug in her way, her hoof clipping the edge of it and causing her to fall, skinning her knee on impact.
The pain coupled with her fear was just too much for the young filly. All she could then was huddle up on the floor, clutching her throbbing knee, and cry. "Mommy...Daddy...Where are you..?" She whimpered....
"Hey, are you ok?"
Her ears perked up at the voice. Wiping her tears away as best she could to see clearly, she looked to see a young colt, dressed in a green shirt and black shorts, step up to her from a nearby column.
However, he...well...although he seemed to be a year or two older than her, he looked unlike ANY colt she had ever seen! He had emerald green eyes that almost seem to have a faint glow to them. What appeared to be scales, colored a similar shade of purple to her own, covered the bridge of his nose and sides. His chin had the same scales, but they were a pale green color. What appeared to be dark green spikes could be seen peering out of his mane, which was a few shades lighter. He had a horn like a unicorn, but it had a definitive downward curve with a strange prong forking from it halfway up.
She noticed his fingers had claw-like nails on them and his hands and forearms had the same scales as his face. A long reptilian tail swayed behind him, the lower third covered with hair the same shade of green as his mane and two large, almost...draconic-looking wings were visible on his back.
"Huh..?" She sniffed, not sure if she should be relieved or frightened
"I said are you ok." He said, smiling in what looked to be a non-threatening way, revealing a set of sharp teeth that glinted slightly in the dull afternoon sun shining through a nearby window.
"I..I was on my way to see the Princess, b-but I got separated from my parents.." She said, feeling a small measure of relief in not being alone anymore.
He knelt in front of her, "Name's Spike."
"I'm Twilight. Twilight Sparkle."
"Twilight...'I heard that name somewhere before. Ah well." He shrugged it off before looking at her knee, "Here, let me take care of that."
"What are you...?" Twilight's eyes widened when his horn began to emit a green glow, indicating a spell being cast. Though, his glow seemed to flicker and dance around his horn, resembling a translucent flame. Her knee tensed and she gasped slightly at the tingle of magic that covered the wound. Within a few seconds, her knee was as good as new. Then she heard Spike hiss in pain.
"Why do they sting even when you're ready for it??" He grumbled, grabbing his right knee; the same one she had hurt.
"Wait.." She hesitated, looking at the exact same wound that was now on him, "You..you transferred it..?"
He grinned sheepishly, "From what Mom said, transference is supposed to be a good way to start when you first learn healing, since moving it's a lot easier to master than really undoing the damage." He reached up to gently wipe away her tears, causing her to blush slightly.
"Um, th-thank you.." Twilight wasn't sure what else to say. A colt she'd just met, out of nowhere pretty much, had actually moved her skinned knee to himself without a second thought.
"It's no biggie." He replied, pulling her to her hooves as he stood, "Come on, your parents are bound to be freaking out by now and my mom's probably wondering where I got off to as well."
"How? I don't even remember how I got here." She said,
"I've kinda gotten in trouble a couple of times for trying to explore this part of the palace, so I recognize some of it." Spike looked at some of the decor, "Ok, if I remember right, we just gotta follow this hall all the way and that'll get us to one of the old servant entrances we can use to cut across the garden to the kitchen's back door. Let's go." With that, he took her hand and began leading her down.
Twilight couldn't explain why, but for some reason she found the odd heat coming from him to be comforting and a sense of safety wafting over her. A short way's down, she decided to ask, "Spike?"
"Yeah?"
"Um, no offense, but...I've never really seen a pony like you before; in books or real life."
Spike simple laughed, "I've gotten that a couple of times. I'm not really what you'd really call a pony. I'm a kirin."
Twilight nearly tripped again, "A-A kirin?? But..those are just stories! Aren't they?'
"Asked my mom why I looked so different and she told me she used a bit more magic than she had planned on when she hatched me."
"Did..did you just say 'hatched'?"
"Yep. From a dragon egg she'd found in the woods. She decided she'd hatch and raise me herself, but she went overboard and the magic that had seeped into my egg changed me into this." He gestured to himself with his free hand. "My first waking memory is looking at her from between the broken halves of my egg. So, far as I'm concerned I've always been one."
"Wow..um.." She wondered if she should ask the princess about that later.
"So, Twilight, what're you at the palace for?"
"Oh, well.." The lingering blush brightened slightly, "Yesterday, Princess Celestia picked me as her personal student." Deep inside, she prepared for him to possibly scoff or think she was just joking.
"I wondered who it was she picked." He replied, throwing Twilight for a momentary loop.
"You..believe me?" She asked.
"You don't look like somepony who'd make something like that up. That and I overheard her asking a few of the palace staff to prep a study area." The duo reached a plain-looking dull red door, "Yes! I knew it'd be here!" He jiggled the handle for a moment before the door managed to open. "Ladies first."
Once they were outside, Spike looked around again, "Right over there!" He pointed to a pedestal with the bust of a mare on it, . A half door visible not far behind it, opposite of where they where.
-----------Palace Throne Room-----------
Princess Celestia watched as Twilight's parents, Night Light and Twilight Velvet, paced anxiously in front of the throne.
"I assure you both that she will be found; a full platoon along with several palace workers are searching every inch of the castle."
"I--I Know, Your Highness.." Night replied, "We're just worried; I mean, what if something's already happened by the time anypony's found her? She can protect herself a little with her magic..but she's still just a foal!"
Velvet quickly embraced her husband, trying to ease his nerves.
"I understand, and you have my word; she will be..."
Celestia found herself cut off by the rapid taps of hooves running full tilt. She focused on where it was coming from: the door that led to the dining room.
"What's that? Did they find something!?" Velvet asked, following her gaze.
Night shook his head, "Doesn't sound heavy enough to be a full grown pony."
They watched as the door was abruptly thrown open by a charging Twilight.
"MOMMY! DADDY!/TWILIGHT!" The family members cried out, rushing to each other.
"Oh sweetie, where were you!?" Velvet said, hugging her daughter tightly.
"I'm sorry! I-I was so excited..I didn't know we got separated!"
"Oh, I'm so glad the guards found you!"
Twilight looked at her, "The guards didn't find me." She pointed at Spike, who was following not far behind, "He did."
"Spike!" Celestia trotted up, "You found her? Where was she?"
"Um..heh.." He looked down hesitantly.
She deadpanned, "You were in the abandoned wing of the palace, weren't you?" She sighed in exasperation, "Spike Solaris, I've told you before; never go there, especially alone!" She wrapped her arms around him, "You could' have gotten seriously hurt somewhere in there!" It was then that she spotted his knee, "Like that!"
"That's a transfer. She'd skinned her knee when I found her." He replied, "And I wasn't alone the whole time. That's where she was too. You don't really think I'd just leave her there all by herself, do you?"
Celestia sighed, "No, I don't." She grinned slightly, "I'll let it slide...THIS time."
"Spike..?" Twilight piped up, getting the attention of them both, "How..how are you so..familiar with the princess?"
Spike smiled, "Why wouldn't I be with my mom?"
"Your..your what..?"
The princess laughed, "I guess introductions are in order. Twilight Sparkle, I'd like you to meet Spike Solaris; my son, and your new study partner."
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For those wondering, these are the images I based Kirin!Spike off of.
1.bp.blogspot.com/_IX0pKxxsmlE/THLsOeT_wII/AAAAAAAAABE/phzrkeeTKEs/s1600/Kirin3.jpg
fc07.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2010/065/f/d/Kirin_by_Kei_Eichi.jpg
Just because he can't breathe fire doesn't mean he can't shoot it out of his horn. But still this is a nice twist to Spike's back story and I can't wait to see how it effects his future.
nice trade off idea for the flames
is this human?
flailing her arms wildly
um celestia only has legs
or is this human??
i can't tell
...love it so far
4529236 antro
4529189
4529227
4529230 wired my studies show 90% of myths show fire breathing Krins
4529296 i don't know what that means? plz tell me.
4529304 what i meant mate was that instead of breathing fire, the author chose to make it when Spike casts spells, the light emitting from the tip of the horn is a flame.
Kirin or dragon, Spike still knows how to woo the laidies.
Will there be Spilight? Because I hope so.
4529304 Your study shows 90% of them breathing fire. What you do look at 10 pictures and saw only 9 of them breathing fire cause that's the only way it's going to be 90%. Plus you just said 90% which means there's only 10% left which also means Spike is part of that 10%. Your study was a waste of your time.
4529305 I see why you don't know he/she spelt it wrong. it's anthro
4529593 no i still don't know what it means. also i just lost a good hundred words i type for a chapter of my story
A transference spell? Wow, that's great, a whole lot of people just skip to straight up healing spells, very refreshing to see that!
4529606 Anthropomorphic, humanoid animals.
4529305 most krins can breath fire in most mythology
4529563 try TEN cultures from across our planet and time
4530024 umm what
4530039 Greek, Chinese, Japanese etc all have fire breathing krins in there mythos
4530051 I mean ummm as in that's not what I asked in my comment
Regardless of his shape or form Spike has got swag! No female can resist his charm!
Personally hoping for Splight or harem with Splight in it
Edit: someone also needs to draw a picture of this new version of Spike
Upon reading this chapter I can officially say this.
weidert.com/Portals/65360/images/curiosity.jpg
4530059 anthro is pony/dragon/any sentient being walking on two legs like humans
4530030 Try five
4530930 thanks, some one awaners my quistion
yes i no care about spelling
Actually, if you wanted to include the whole "Spike beat Sombra" dealio, you could just have Sombra be a Kirin too. I mean, look at him. He's either part dragon or a retarded vampire.
I just have to read more!
Why only half a door? Isn't that kinda pointless?
Also, your punctuation is doing a bit of a shuffle there.
4529625
It actually sounds pretty clever, until you realize it should be twice as complicated and draining as a full-on healing spell because not only are you removing the injury from the victim, but you're also re-applying it to yourself instead of just telling it to go screw itself in limbo (there are other nitpicks, but most are anatomically situational in nature).
In fact, in most settings that I've seen, this kind of stuff is usually incredibly complicated and saved for things that normal healing magic can't even touch, like soul-damage or something.
But maybe magic is different in this story. Whatever.
4543776 The one i'm referring to there is one where the top half can open independently of the bottom. The official(?) name is supposed to be Dutch door..I think.
4543776 Magic's magic, no set rules for it unless you make em' considering it's made up also, I think it might be more draining to completely heal a wound than transfer it, either taking a wound and absorbing it, or rapidly cell regeneration, personally the latter sounds more draining.
But you obviously think vice versa, I just thought I'd clarify a little bit as to my reasonings, have a good day.
4543799...
1. The two-tired opening door is indeed correctly labeled as a Dutch door, stable door, &/or half-door (note hyphen). For use in this fan-fiction writing, it is fine to use "Dutch door" for such a door for a house, even if there is no Netherlands in Equestria. Though if at Sweet Apple Acres, it would be likely be more appropriate (if not fitting) to label said two-tiered opening door as a "stable door" (obviously
).
2. Your story premise is definitely an interesting AU angle to write from. If I ever find the time to commit to MLP fan-fiction writing, I definitely will rememeber this premise and may make use of this idea myself if writing a Spike fan-fiction {That is a compliment towards your Creativity.}
3. While you do not have any glaring Technical Writing errors (spelling, grammar, tense, format, etc.), you could use some clean-up in that regard. I would advise recruiting an Editor &/or Proofreader(s).
For finding an Editor & Proofreader(s) here on FiMfiction site itself...
~ a. Looking for Editors
~ b. The Proofreader Group
As the general rule for literary writing, you should only have a single Editor, but you can have multiple Proofreaders.
.
4. Character-wise... Princess Celestia uses very few contractions in her speech (almost none really, if you watch scenes with Princess Celestia talking), and definitely no slang ("what the hay?"). Also, Princess Celestia may not use the Ye Olde English of Princess Luna, but Celestia also does not use "street" language either. Royalty almost always comport themselves as royalty, even in private (because they never know when that privacy may be intruded upon).
5. Storytelling-wise... You could have spent a few chapters of telling how Princess Celestia raised kirin-Spike. Your starting premise is that Princess Celestia was feeling lonely and motherly desires kicking in, and then you completely skipped over it. You lost a few good story-building (if not some cute "Mom-lestia") chapters as a result, which in-turn negatively impacts the overall quality of the story.
6. Thematically (Anthro)... This is where I have the most problem(s) with for the fan-fiction: whether having the cast as Anthro over ponies. Spike as a kirin was/is quite a jump already for the reader audience. Making the cast Anthro as well is (negatively) pushing the limits for your story.
Might it have been better to stick with the traditonal pony-race cast? Especially since kirins are pony-like by their default depiction as well? It is a moderate waste of the kirin angle as a result; you may as well have made Spike a Dragonborn (the Dungeons & Dragons kind, not the Skyrim kind) otherwise.
.
7. Putting on the Dungeon Master & Mythology Scholar hat... Yes, mythologically (not just in D&D) kirins have a variety of abilities/powers. Some common powers across various myths are...
- a. fly & hover (without wings, at that)
- b. walk on water, clouds, and moonlight
- c. breathe fire (or lightning, depending upon the myth)
- d. cast various magic (or grant wishes, whether like a djinn/genie or through magic, is open to interpretation)
- e. heal (by breath, by magic, &/or by their blood, depending upon the myth)
- f. understand & communicate with animals
8. Here is a general guideline for how Empathic Healing works (from long experience with myriad fantasy RPGs and writings)...
Empathic Healing does not physically transfer a wound to the Healer, so Arcane Howitzer is partly correct. It does however, cause a recipocal effect upon the Healer, since it is directly tapping and draining the Healer's own bodily energies (rather than having to gather ambient magic, which takes longer) to heal the Wounded recipient. This is what causes the recipocal "pain" for Empathic Healing. Obviously, the greater the injury to heal, the more hazardous to the Healer.
Think of it like transfusing blood. Give a little blood, there is little to no effect. Give a moderate amount of blood, you feel tired, weak, &/or woozy. Give too much or all of your blood...well, you should be able to figure the end-result of that... That being said, the one giving blood does not have to cut themselves open in the exact area of blood loss and pour their blood into the one receiving it, either (besides not working, it would look pretty silly).
Example: Healing a gunshot wound to the chest will not cause the Healer sprouting blood-spewing holes; but the Healer can suffer internal injuries (and obvious pain & suffering) from the recipocal empathic "backwash" of Empathic Healing.
Hope that helps clarify.
hope this is a spike/harem fanfic
4529189 images.saiyanisland.com/data/582/Naruto-Impact-Kirin.jpg
4599397 Um..that good or bad?
4599401 Kirin. The naruto version. Only played the game after the first show ended.
4599428 ah
I forgot this was an anthro Fic before reading this chapter and got confused between twilight falling and spike's appearance.
This was good. A fake dragon egg huh? An interesting idea.
4614279 I didn't know what anthro meant until i read this.
Aww, I wanted to see how much of a nuisance Spike was to raise.
4545127 In regards to number 6. True the Anthro is hard to keep track of; But seeing as this is a written story. With no visuals i my self easily imagine them as pones. You just haft to ignore a few words that, mention them with human body's.
4545127
I fully agree to this entire review. Although I would prefer Skyrim Dragon born over D & D.
4545127
I fully agree to this entire review. Although I would prefer Skyrim Dragon born over D & D.
HOLY CELESTIA!!! I have to say, this is a fantastic story, and as my complete interest. its well typed, well thought, ad a wonderful idea. i ave to ask, do o ave a editor, or is this all your own handy work?
Have not one, but FIVE moustaches
and begin either twilight or her parents fainting from shock in 3, 2, 1 *thud*....*looks and see's both twilight and her parents had fainted from shock* huh....what you know it was both
There is no enough yes or
in this world for me to give you
Already.
Ponyville ought to be quite interesting now.
Does that mean he won't get Ember's call?