• Member Since 10th Nov, 2013
  • offline last seen Dec 23rd, 2019

Silent Earth


Evil is evil. Greater, lesser, middling, it's all the same. I haven't done only good in my life. But if I’m to choose between one evil and another, then I prefer not to choose at all.

T
Source

Listen to the cries of my people, from a far distant land:

“The Princess is still in Canterlot. But what of our Queen? Why is she not beside us? We have provoked the wrath of sun and moon, and the anger of the heart, but we fought only out of need. The harvest is past, the feeding is ended. And we are not yet saved.”

My people are broken, so I am broken. I mourn, and horror has taken hold of me.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 23 )

Aw man. I almost wish you'd gone further with this idea, in a way, but at the same time, it's nicely concise the way it is.

As it stands, it's quite a nicely written one-shot. I find the problem with leaving a character alone in a scene is that they tend to go into cycles of angst. It's not that bad here, but I think there's a few spots where you let them fall into Angst Mode:

How? How could it have ended this way? She had bested Celestia, the sun's own heir, only to be overcome by a simpering princess and her consort. Did that mare truly love her stallion more than I could love my people? Was her heart larger even than mine? More capable of love than my own? The thought did more than rile her—it filled her with uncertainty and, to her shame, fear.

I find it's best to keep these parts to a minimum – try not to repeat yourself too often. Show the reader through their actions, or the way they speak. Maybe if you'd had her inner voice act as another character, almost, you would've been able to slip her emotions into the way she talks and responds and suchlike.

...I'm not entirely sure how helpful this was, or even that I'm correct at all, but I like your writing, and I want to see how you improve. I think if you should take anything away from this comment, it's that you should let your characters and your writing "behave like an iceberg" – what you see clearly is only the tip, and the rest is hidden away beneath the waters.

Of course, take anything I say with a grain (or maybe a bag) of salt, 'cause I'm a novice myself, and I'm absolutely awful at explaining my thoughts.

I hope this helps!

Oh, and tanks of thanks for the favourite and watch the other day!

4461091
I actually had that exact same thought, and you're right, I think, in that it could stand to be developed a little bit further. I may return to it and expand upon it later on, but for now I'm content with how it is.

Thank you very much for the critique, and believe me when I say I'm always happy to hear thoughts about my work. That it comes from someone like you whom I respect and admire means even more.

You hit a lot of key points for me. One of my biggest struggles that I find with my writing is with dialogue -- I'm terrified of it, because I know how important it is and I don't think I'm very good at it. Thus, a lot of my stories tend to fall back on an "inner" dialogue of sorts. I enjoy exploring a character's thoughts by actually hearing them, but you're right in that I could do a lot more to balance the two. I'm actually working on something larger right now that I'm hoping will help me address some of those concerns and give me some much-needed practice.

And you're welcome! I actually meant to follow you sooner, but when I was reading Dust and I realized I hadn't I figured I'd better correct that. I'm looking forward to checking out more of your stuff when I have time.

4461306

Thank you very much for the critique, and believe me when I say I'm always happy to hear thoughts about my work. That it comes from someone like you whom I respect and admire means even more.

:twilightblush:

One of my biggest struggles that I find with my writing is with dialogue -- I'm terrified of it, because I know how important it is and I don't think I'm very good at it.

I completely understand that. It took me a long time until I became confident in my dialogue, and I'm still only confident in my dialogue for specific characters like Celestia, Twilight, and Luna, among others. The important thing is to not worry about it and to keep on practicing – some of my stories are almost entirely long conversations.

I'm actually working on something larger right now that I'm hoping will help me address some of those concerns and give me some much-needed practice.

I look forward to reading it.

Good luck with your writing, friend! :rainbowdetermined2:

4461387

I look forward to reading it.

Hopefully, in the not-too-distant future. :twilightsheepish:

And thank you, I will do my best!

There's a way to put a source link for your artwork in the art's image itself. Click Edit on the story and you'll see it where you inserted the image.

4462651
derpicdn.net/img/2012/11/20/157590/thumb.jpg
This. This changes everything.

Thanks, I'll edit it when I get home. Too annoying to bother with on my phone.

:twilightsmile: Love the story and the effort you put into making this the best you could.
Keep practicing, and I'll be watching to see what else you put out.

Now I need to go cry in a corner because the feels. :fluttercry:

4463306
Very glad you enjoyed, and thank you kindly for the follow. Hopefully I will not disappoint. :twilightsmile:

Forward, then. Always forward.

4463505 The hope is mutual.
I want nothing more for you to succeed, simply to satisfy my own insatiable desire for -enjoyable- literature. :twilightblush: I'm greedy like that.

I often hate non-concrete endings, but this just works somehow, not to mention adding to the bleakness -or even the hope- of it. I'm unsure about favoriting, but take this well-earned like.

4465686
I see you decided on that favorite after all. :scootangel:

And thank you, I very much appreciate it. I understand what you mean about the ending. I enjoy ambiguity, if done correctly. I try to do it correctly.

I'm an absolute sucker for really well-written shortfics, so I was completely helpless against this – and I don't even like most changeling stories! I really like "inner voice" stuff, perhaps more than many readers, so that was a bonus. The ambiguous ending was nicely done, and also just a little chilling in its potential implications.

I guess the only thing I might quibble with is the long "The day had darkened..." paragraph: having the male changeling speak right at the end of such a long para meant that it was the one part I had to read twice to fully appreciate. For the rest? Very nice indeed.

Oh hey, this is actually pretty nicely written. You've got some very nice flavour text (e.g. "wing was tatters") and decently restrained voicing, compared to the norm of having Chyrs blargh out all her angst. I don't think there's much else you could improve on if the idea is in this form, so good job!

This was really neat. I liked it. It was short, sure, but there was a lot packed in to this story.

Nicely done.

How did I get here from Five Score...

Oh well good fic either way....

5340333
That is a very good question. But hey, thanks!

Amazing...

The atmosphere you've managed to create is incredible, and the feeling of loss felt by Chrysalis is conveyed very well.

5542441
Meant to reply to this earlier, but, well... *shrug*

Thank you very much. I'm pretty proud of this piece, even looking back on it now. I do sort of wish I could/would have done something more substantial with it, but there's also a part of me that really enjoys the short mood piece, which is essentially what this is. Sometimes less is more I suppose.

Happy you enjoyed!

5567788

Don't worry about it man.

I'm working on a short review/recommendation post for the /fimfic/ general on /mlp/.

Hopefully they'll enjoy it too.

5567788 How come this fic is a one shot?

i hope they succeed ._.

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