• Published 6th Apr 2012
  • 26,232 Views, 2,157 Comments

The Man With Two Names - Tarot Card



A human is off to a rough start when Fluttershy finds him eating one of her chickens, and breaks his arm. Can Derpy and the human convince Ponyville to give him a second chance?

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The Shut In (Derpy)

When I felt a tap on my shoulder I turned around, only to whap Lyra in the face with a mouthful of letters. She looked at me, taken a little off guard.

“Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry!” I quickly stuffed the letters into the mailbox, and did an about-face. “Are you alright?”

She gave an uneasy smile. I’m fine, she quickly wrote. I Just wanted to know if Jerry's okay.

“Umm… yeah, he's fine, but I don't think he wants to see anypony—” I was cut off by the notepad being pressed against my eyeballs.

Do you know where he is?

If the last few days were anything to go by, he was back at the apartment, pacing around, and fiddling with his necklace.



Humans act really weird when they get sick. I mean, he didn’t look that sick at all, and he kept on saying he was fine, but I wasn't sure. All he had were a few bruises and a bad case of bed head, although I’m pretty sure that was just because he kept on mussing up his hair with his fingers whenever I asked him about Lucky.

Truthfully, I was beginning to worry about Jerry too. He was acting funny. Usually, he left the apartment in the middle of the night, and came back before the sun rose, and takes a nap during the day. But a few nights ago, I woke to him pacing in the kitchen, fiddling with his beads again. He was muttering to himself, and staring off into the distance. His eyes were bloodshot, and I saw a bruise on his forearm.

So I asked him, “Are you okay, Jerry?”

He stared at me blankly, saying nothing.

“Well, how was work today?”

“Lucky didn’t need me today,” he murmured.

“Oh. Um, okay.” I retrieved a muffin from the pantry and brought out Jerry’s jar of peanut butter. That was weird. There was a thin film of dust on top, and there was a certain heft to it. Usually by now Jerry would have gone through the entire jar. “Do you want me to make you breakfast?” I began preparing him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He liked grape jelly a lot more than dandelions.

“Oh. No thanks, I’m not hungry.”

“Are you sure?”

He still was staring out the window that overlooked the main street. “Yeah. I think I’m just going to hang out in my room.” He sulked back into the doorway. That was also pretty weird. Now that I think about it, He normally ducked to protect his head from the door frames, but this time he walked straight through, letting the door frame graze the hair on the back of his head.

He wasn’t feeling good the next day, either. I woke up to find him fiddling with his necklace again. His eyes were bloodshot, and he had a serious case of bedhead.

“Oh my Celestia! You look awful!”

“I had some trouble sleeping last night. A bad dream, I guess.” He stared warily out the window, watching the street, as he did the day before. He looked like he half expected to see herd of manticores right around the corner. I thought he didn't get a wink of sleep.

“Did you go to work last night?”

“Oh… um, no. Lucky’s not going to need me for a bit, I think.” He fumbled with a tear in his shirt absent mindedly.

“Okay, If you have enough money to hold you over, I guess that works.”

I felt really bad about Jerry being sick. So, before I left for work, I made him some carrot stew. I told Dinky to heat it up, and offer him some when she got back from school.

When I got back from work, the pot was still on the stove, cold, and untouched. Dinky was sitting in the corner, doodling in her notebook. “Sweetie, did you offer Jerry any of the soup I made?”

“He said he wasn’t hungry.”

I peaked into his room. He was laying on the bed, fiddling with a piece of string. He pulled on it, and the loop tightened around one of his fingers, and he let his hand go limp. It hung there, suspended by a string in the other hand.

He looked up. “Derpy, could you do me a favor?”

“Definitely! What do you need?” I trotted up to his bedside.

He rubbed the back of his head. “Um… If any ponies are looking for me, tell them I’m out having lunch or something.”

“Why would you want to hide from ponies?”

Then he got became even paler, and didn’t answer me.

“Jerry, you're sick, aren't you?”

“What?”

“You're staying bed all day, and not going to work and acting really weird. Of course you're sick.”

He paused for a moment. “Yeah. Sick. I don’t feel well enough to talk to ponies. But just tell them I’m not here, okay?”

“Okay, but If I were you, I would be trying to keep my strength up. Come on, I made that soup so you would feel better.” He wouldn’t talk much, wouldn’t eat much either. He barely took a sip of my stew. In fact, he refused to leave. I asked him if he wanted to go out and see the vet, Dr. Horse, to get some medicine. But he insisted that he stay in and that nopony see him.




"Uhh..." I had no idea what I was allowed to tell Lyra, even if she was Jerry's friend.

I was met with a deeply troubled look from Lyra. Jerry and I were supposed to eat lunch today, and the day before. We do that every day.

“Err… I’m pretty sure he’s around town somewhere.”

She was writing so fast her letters were barely readable. I’ve been looking around town for hours, and I haven’t found anypony who knows where he is. I knocked endlessly on your door, but nopony's there. I think something happened to him.

I bit my lip. “Can I tell you a secret?” She nodded her head. “Promise not to whisper a word to another soul? Jerry’s sick, and he doesn’t want to see anypony today.”

So he’s really at your house?

“Yeah, but I don’t think he’s well enough to have company.”

My words were lost on the mute mare. She was already dashing off towards my house.


By the time I caught up with her, she was rustling the door knob. I saw her produce a bobby pin, and screwdriver. “Lyra! What are you doing?”

She magically grabbed her notepad, and began scribbling away. Sorry! I’m just really worried. Lucky told me something about Jerry, and I need to make sure that he’s all right.

“Well, okay.” I unlocked the door reluctantly.

Lyra marched straight past me, making a beeline for Jerry’s room. Part of me wondered how she knew to find it. She tried the handle, but it was bolted shut from the inside. She gently tapped on the door with her hoof. I heard frantic shuffling and stirring from the inside, but the door remained firmly shut.

Lyra looked at me with worry.

“Um… he’s not feeling well. You shouldn’t be going in there.” I heard cloth rustling.

Lyra puzzled at the door for a moment. She did this kind of special knock. It was like bum dum-dum bummm, bum dum.

The room went quiet for a moment, and then Jerry opened the door a sliver. “Lyra?”

Lyra blew a raspberry at him.

He stepped out. “Thank god it’s you!” The relief was audible in his voice.

Where were you for lunch the other day? And today? I had to walk home all by myself.

He glanced back at the room. He must have had a rough nap. His sheets were all braided up and tied together, and were caught under the leg of the bed. The whole rope of sheets trailed from the leg of the bed to out of the window. Huh.

“Just haven’t been feeling well, is all,” He said numbly. “Haven’t felt like leaving the house much."

Lyra must have saw the sheets too. Sick? Lyra surreptitiously slipped Jerry her notepad. He read it and blanched.

“Umm… could I see what Lyra said please?” I asked.

He looked at Lyra, and then back at me. He gave a heavy sigh. “Derpy, you know when I said Lucky wasn’t going to need me this week?”

“Is he on vacation?” I couldn’t imagine for the life of me why someone would choose the middle of October to go elsewhere.

“Well, I don’t think he’s going to need me next week. Or the week after.”

“If you’re going to have trouble paying rent this month, I won’t make you pay until Lucky’s back to work.”

“Well, he kinda, fired me.”

My jaw dropped. “Oh my goodness Jerry! How are you going to become a citizen now?”

Lyra's eyes suddenly lit up, and she galloped out of the door and down the street. Jerry called out after her, but the only response she gave was a wink thrown over her shoulder as she turned a corner out of our sight. Jerry quickly closed and bolted the door.

“Where is she going?”

Jerry sighed, and slumped against door, and fell to the ground. “I have no idea what that mare is up to.”

“But how in all of Equestria are we going to get you to become a citizen now?”

“I think we have bigger… figs to fry right now,” Jerry said. “My job was the only reason Twilight didn't throw me out in the first place. If Twilight, or anypony catches me outside, without a visa and without a job, I'm screwed eight ways to Sunday.”

“Now we really need a plan.”

“Derpy, getting a visa was the closest thing I had to a 'plan'. Why else do you think I've been hiding in my bed all this time?”

I rubbed my temple, trying to work up a brainstorm. We were quiet for a while, me in deep concentration, pacing the kitchen. After a few more minutes, Jerry returned the couch and began fiddling with his beads again, touching them to his forehead.

Around the fifteen minute mark, I was struck by a bolt of genius. “Why don't you just talk to Twilight?”

He looked up at me. “Excuse me?”

“I know Twilight wants you to leave, but did you ever consider just talking to her, and seeing if you can't get her to see things your way?”

“I already talked with her once, remember? When she gave me her stupid survey thing?”

I frowned. “That doesn't really count. You have a lot of charm, Jerry. I think that if you just explained yourself, she would be perfectly okay with you staying in Ponyville.”

He was about to reply when we heard a frantic knocking on the door. Jerry cursed, and wiggled underneath the couch. He would have been completely out of view if his feet were not sticking out beneath it. I checked the peephole. I sighed. “It's just Lyra.” I unbolted the door.

The unicorn came barreling through the door, huffing and puffing, with a bunch of papers in her telekinetic grasp. Jerry stood up. “Lyra, where did you run off to?”

She dumped the papers on the table, stuck her face into the kitchen sink, and took a few gulps of water.

“What’s this?” I picked up the papers.

She wiped her muzzle, shut off the tap, and wrote on her notepad. A new NEWV form. I got Bon Bon to sign it. She proceeded to collapse on the floor, still taking huge breaths. I noted a smudge of frosting in the corner of the paper.

Jerry frowned. “That’s not going to work Lyra. I need an employer to sign off on this, and in case you haven’t heard, I’m out of a job, and my so called ‘employer’ wants my head on a pike.”

You work for me now. Don’t your remember? You’re the new flutist in my act. She gestured to the form. Sure enough, she had filled out the entire page, gushing about his flute playing abilities.

Jerry flipped the page, and grinned. “You even got Bon Bon to sign again? Lyra, I don’t know what I’d do without you.” He scooped the green mare up off the floor, and wrapped her in a hug. Her cheeks grew a shade redder. “You just saved this poor human’s life.”

“I’ll sign again Jerry!” I snatched up the form, and began making my way down the next blank page.

“Great! But we still need one more signature,” Jerry said.

“We could always have Dinky sign it,” I suggested.

“She’s not old enough to have her signature bear any legal weight.”

What about Cheerilee? She seemed to like you.

“That’d be great if she were still in town. She’s off visiting family until Christmas.”

What’s Christmas?

“I mean, that winter solstice thing.”

“You mean that goopy stuff doctors put on you?” I asked. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

Jerry snapped his fingers, trying to jog his memory. “Hearth’s Warming Eve!”

“Okay, you worked at the farm for a bit. What about Applejack, or Big Mac?”

“I don’t think either of them would take too kindly to me asking for favors right about now.”

I harrumphed. “I guess they’re still pretty mad about you eating their cows.”

Jerry pinched his brow. “For the last time, I didn’t… never mind.”

I guess it was kind of hard for Jerry to find friends these days. “Maybe we don’t need it to be a friend. Just someone who isn’t afraid of you.”

Jerry grimaced. “Well, that rules out the entire populace of Ponyville.”

“What about Twilight?” I asked.

Jerry went wide eyed. “Are you kidding me? She’s the one trying to get me kicked out! If she sees that I don’t have this form ready, then she’ll be the one to personally escort me back into the woods.”

I shrugged. “I think if you talk to Twilight, and explain everything, she might want to help you.” I paused. “Maybe you should leave out the parts about eating animals, though.”

“What? Tell her that my only two employers fired me because they thought I was dangerous? Tell her that I was framed for breaking into a house? For the last time, I'm not talking to her.”

Lyra was writing on her pad again. I’m with Jerry on with this one. I think we need to talk to somepony else, and make sure that Jerry is an official citizen before he talks to Twilight.

“What about Rarity?” I asked.

Jerry gave pause to this. “Well, she sold me clothes, and gave me a coupon for a free hair cut. That’s more than I can say about half the shop keepers in this town.”

I don’t know, Rarity is very close friends with Twilight.

“And with Fluttershy,” Jerry grumbled. “But I think she's the best shot we've got.”

“Well, what are we waiting for? let's go get these papers signed!” I shouted, and flew out of the door. It took me a while to realize that Jerry and Lyra were still standing inside, giving me that look again. I sighed and hovered back in doors. “Sorry guys, I thought we were all set to leave.”

“The hell if I'm going outside. Lucky might have the police looking for me. He might be looking for me himself.”

I'm sick of his lies... Lyra looked down, and scuffed the carpet with her hoof.

Lies.... Lies... there was definitely something that could help us that rhymed with lies. Was it “fries”? “surprise”?
I grinned widely. “I think I have an idea!”


The three of us made our way across town, Jerry between me and Lyra. Not that anypony recognized him as Jerry. Few ponies stared at us in the streets, even fewer whispered to their friends. To them, Jerry might have well as been an undercover celebrity. I grinned.

“So guys, was that a great idea, or was that a great idea?” Lyra didn't answer. She was too busy looking everywhere. She seemed pretty on edge.

“This is so stupid,” he muttered, his face obscured by dark glasses, and a wide brimmed hat. A feather peaked out from the brim . The long dark cloaked swished with every step he took. “I can't believe that this is actually fooling them.”

“They probably just think you're a different human.”

Jerry took off his glasses to give me an incredulous look . “And exactly how many humans are running around Equestria besides me?”

“Well, there's an old mare's tale about some yahoo named Gulliver.”

Lyra tapped Jerry on the hip and held her notepad up for him. Eyes on the prize Rinehart, Carousel Boutique is right around the corner.

“You two better scout ahead. Last time, there were... other customers who complicated matters.” Jerry winced.

Lyra and I opened the door, the bell tingling. “Rarity? Are you here?”

“At your service darling.” She appeared out of the wood work, measuring tape draped across her neck, glasses resting on the bridge of her snout. She smiled demurely. Lyra craned her neck, and peaked behind the folding screen that marked off the changing area. “Anything you're looking for?” Rarity asked, nonplussed.

Lyra snapped up from her snooping, and grinned apologetically. Oh, just wondering if there was anypony else around.

“Erm, no. My most recent customer left over an hour ago.”

Lyra shot a glance my way, and closed one of her eyes.

I scratched my head. “Do you have something in your eye?”

She shook her head. And then tilted her horn towards the entrance.

“What?”

Lyra rolled her eyes, and wrote something down, angling the notepad so Rarity couldn't see it. Go get Jerry.

“Oh, why didn't you say so?” Lyra made a funny face. I opened the door a sliver, and beckoned Jerry to come in. He pulled the hat over his head, and stepped inside.

Rarity tensed up as the cloak and hat hit the floor, and remained frozen in place for a brief moment. She stared at Jerry. Jerry stared back.

Just as quickly, she let out a huge sigh. “Mr. Walker, you certainly know how to make your appearances... dramatic. You simply must stop startling me like that.”

Jerry scratched the back of his head apologetically. “Oh, sorry about that—”

“My goodness gracious, what in all of Equestria happened to your shirt?” She ran over, and examined a huge tear in his ensemble. “Dear Celestia, pink? Whatever was I thinking?” she muttered to herself. She trotted over to her work desk and retrieved a scrap of paper and magicked over one of the minotaur mannequins.

“Miss Rarity, I actually didn't come here for new clothes.”

“My dear human, then why would you visit a seamstress if you didn't want a new set of clothes?” Rarity had already began assembling cloth onto the mannequin. From my understanding, Jerry didn't bring any money with him. I got an empty feeling in the pit of my coin purse. “Celestia knows you could use them.”

“I came to ask a favor. I need you to sign something for me.”

Rarity put down her needle and thread, and narrowed her eyes. “If you're selling timeshares, I'm not interested.”

“Not that. I need you to sign this form so that I can become a citizen.”

“And why on earth would you need to do that?”

Jerry paused. “I just need it for a job thing. Tax reasons, and all.”

Rarity turned her attention away from the mannequin. “I'm no expert on these sorts of things, but wouldn't you need Lucky to take care of that for you?”

“Um, well, you see...”

Lyra stepped up. I'm Jerry's new boss. He just needs a couple of character references before he can become my official employee.

“Oh, are you opening a music business of some sort?”

Kind of.

She levitated the forms over to Rarity, who began flipping through them. “Interesting. Although I don't understand why you would even need such a form. It's perfectly fine for one to work here in Ponyville without a visa.”

“It's not so much for the job security as it is for the legal protection,” Jerry replied.

“How do you mean?”

“Well, there are some ponies that don't take too kindly to my presence in Ponyville, and would very much like to see me thrown back into the woods.”

“And would one of these ponies be my dear friend Twilight Sparkle?” Jerry had no reply other than growing paler at the mention of the unicorn's name. I began nibbling my hoof. She sighed and continued regardless. “Walker, Walker, Walker. Someway, somehow you always end up putting me in an awkward position with my friends.”

I stepped up. “Rarity, If Twilight, or Lucky finds him, and he doesn't have legal protection, he's going to get thrown back into the woods and die.”

She let out a sigh. “I know you'll find this hard to believe, but Twilight truly does have everypony's best interests in mind, even if she being a little thick headed about the whole matter. I'm certain if you just explained yourself to her, she would stop acting so... so... antagonistic.

“But for right now, I do think that you need my good name to protect yours. I will sign, but on the condition you at the very least allow me to make you a new set of clothes. I have much to improve on the original design.” She scrutinized the torn, faded shirt he was wearing.

“Um, okay,” Jerry said. He cast a sideways glance at me, hardly believing his dumb luck.

Within the half hour, Jerry was being fitted for a new set of corduroy pants, and a blue argyle sweater. “Are you sure you don't want any diamonds on it?” Rarity said, levitating a box of gems over.

“I'll pass. I'm pretty sure that's out of my price range,” Jerry said. We handed off a sack of twenty bits, and in exchange, we got Rarity's signature. Jeremiah held the paper in his hands, and for the first time in days, I saw him smile.
Jerry rolled up the sleeves, and presented himself to Lyra, “Well, how do I look?” he asked with a huge grin.

She returned his smile as her pen danced across the page. You look very handsome.

We said our thank you's and good bye's to Rarity, and made our way to the door. I picked up the folded cloak and hat. “Jerry, shouldn't you go back to incognito?” I asked.

Jerry stood on the precipice of the door, and watched as the sunshine spread across the crisp autumn day. The leaves on the trees were every shade of gold, orange and red. Some ponies in the distance squinted at him, but didn't seem so perturbed as they did before. “I'm feeling a little cocky. I'll think I'll go without this time. It's such a beautiful day, isn't it?”

Before I could protest, Jerry and Lyra were already making their way towards town hall, and I had no choice but to trot after them. The two of them were practically bouncing with joy by the time we arrived at town hall. Everypony we passed by tilted their heads at the three of us, but did nothing to recoil in fear or disgust.

And that's when we met you. You didn't say much when we slid the papers across your desk. You just looked at the three of us with curiosity, but you took the form and within a few minutes you reappeared with a little card. “You're eligible to re-apply after two years, enjoy your time in Ponyville,” you said. You went back to sorting papers.

“Jerry, we did it—” I began, but I found myself in a tight embrace with Jerry's face smushed between Lyra's and mine.
“Lyra, Derpy, I have absolutely no idea what I would do without the two of you.” His voice cracked a little bit as he said those words. We all stayed there for a moment, huddled up in the middle of town hall.

Eventually, Lyra nuzzled his cheek. I think we ought to go out and celebrate somewhere!

“Hold on, we’re not quite done,” I heard Jerry say. He let go, dusted himself, and approached the counter, his posture and gait just that more confident and hopeful. You looked up from your desk at him. “If it wouldn’t be too much trouble, would you get me the proper forms for a fishing license?”

Author's Note:

edited and pre-read by ponyboy245