It's a stormy day in Ponyville and Apple Bloom is stuck inside with a cold. Luckily, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo pay a visit to help destroy Apple Bloom's boredom.
Cover art by Jacob Bading
Chapters (1)
pokefreak13
Joined 25th Mar, 2014 ·
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pokefreak13 · 2.1k words · 42 0 · 1.8k views
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This was cute, and absolutely well written. Keep it up! Maybe... Sequel?
is it just me or is that first part ispired by the powerpuff girls?
4492636
You are correct!
4491052
Maybe, I'll see what I can do.
Well that was a really cute story.
Aww, nice homage to the PPGs. I loved that episode and this fic!
4631405
Thank you!I grew up on the PPG, so I had a fun time making this story.
4631416 I can tell, great job!
This was a really cute and simple story. There isn't too much to say about it because of the simplicity, however i will try.
Grammar was very good. I honestly didn't see any errors. There was one spot that confused me:
I don't really get the periods. I have no idea if that references to something or you just put it that way. But, other than that, it was great for grammar
The story itself was cute and I did get a chuckle out of the scene with Winona playing as Scootaloo, but other than that I didn't see much comedy so its not completely necessary for the comedy tag (my opinion tho)
Even though this is supposed to be short and sweet, I cant help but think you could add a little more to it. Not like anything extra to add on with what has happened already, but more on what they did. Ex: Scootaloo terrorizing the town more, Scootaloo trying to put up a fight before Winona actually gets her, or the others join in to try to stop her. Its merely a suggestion. Story is still great how it is.
5 out of 10 for Comedy
10 out of 10 for Slice of Life
10 out of 10 for grammar
9 out of 10 for overall story.
A like for this good story and a moustache.
4660266
thank you.
The part that confused you was a ponyfied version of this.
4661463
..... OH Snap! This story is a spinoff of Powerpuff Girls(I liked that show dont judge me) slightly!
(just reread it.) Now i have to say this story has been upped on the cool meter! I knew it sounded slightly familiar.
4662650
I really loved the Powerpuff Girls and use to watch them when I was little. So to show my love, I made this story.
4662666
great job then
You use the word "board" instead of "bored" in your short description, "earth pony" is two words and not one, the abbreviation for "madam" is "ma'am" and not "mam", when "princess" is used as a title in front of a name it should be capitalized, and you have the apostrophe in the wrong place in "y'all" (it's a contraction for "you all").
4758216
Thank you for pointing those flaws out. I fixed them.
Nice short little story here. Though the cover art made me think it was going to be sad before I read the tags.
4863266 Yeah, couldn't quiet find a fitting picture.
Okay, I'm going to start off by saying that this was absolutely adorable. I was smiling and chuckling at this the whole time. I feel that the crossover tag is unnecessary, though. At best, you are referencing the material, and the tag really isn't needed. Anyway...
You have really good punctuation, until you reach dialogue.
You need a period after complained. And the she after the exclamation point needs to be capitalized.
You want to try to avoid doing this as often as possible. Don't be afraid to keep using their names, it doesn't hurt anything.
You need a period after houses, and then you can delete she answered happily. You don't have to have a variant of "said" after every piece of dialogue. Actions can work just as well. For example:
This can be:
Doing this will make the story flow more nicely, and also look more clean. You also cut out a bit of telling by doing this.
Another example:
Period after stool, and then cut "Sweetie said." You just told us that she is smiling and sitting on the stool, so it is redundant to also tell us that she is speaking. The actions tell us without you telling us.
This was just flat out stupid cute. I loved it. *Apple Bloom and Scootaloo stopped arguing*
This made me laugh, but again, you should use her name instead of the Pegasus.
Anyway, you get the point by now. You're a good storyteller and a decent writer. You just need to get your dialogue punctuation under control and use the character's names more often. Also, try using actions to show who is speaking instead of telling the reader so often. Talk to you again soon!
5314110 Thank you!
5316165
I see you fixed the errors already. Just two things.
You need a period after shouted, and change the second Scootaloo to "she"
You still have a couple punctuation errors, but nowhere near as many as before. Example:
You should have a comma after back, not a period. Unless you want to remove the replied, but that would be tricky in this sentence.
Cute...cute...cute...too cute....CUTE CUTE!!! AUUUGGHHH!!!
6777018 Thank you, glad you enjoyed it.
A few errors but honestly this was very well in character. Amazing job.
8510939
Thank you! I should be able to get to one of your stories tomorrow
8513255
Thank you, I hope you enjoy whatever story catches your eyes.