• Published 28th May 2014
  • 6,581 Views, 91 Comments

Precious soul of mine... - nioniosbbbb



Queen Chrysalis reveals her true intentions, plans and target... Reclaiming Cadence.

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... it's time for the two to become one.

So came the day Queen Chrysalis had planned for years. The day she had suffered ages to reach; like a devious mastermind, she had guided her changelings, seeing through their eyes, watching from their perspective, and ordering them when necessary. She stood still as her connection to them showed her the Elements of Harmony being captured. Celestia, Luna, and the rest could not understand what she was so focused upon... their minds were focused on escaping, but Chrysalis was meticulous in her work and her cocoons slowly but steadily nullified all their attempts at escape.

With eyes blank and shadows upon their faces, the changelings escorted the encircled Elements back to the palace. The Queen’s control over them was absolute. As they did, Chrysalis heard the struggle of Cadence reach her ears. She turned with a frown of disappointment.

"Tsk tsk tsk..." she said, dismissing her vain efforts at escape. She put her hoof on the window and rested her right cheek upon it as she watched the town that had been struggling with the changelings. By her orders the changelings had received, none were harmed... none... not even when their own lives were at danger, the changelings fought only to disable them. After all, she had a use for the ponies and she couldn't afford to waste them... not a single pony's energy had to go to waste in order for her plan to work. Failure could very well mean death for her, after all.

"You won't get away with this! Twilight and her friends will..." said Cadence angrily, disrupting her thoughts once more. Annoyed, Chrysalis turned, narrowing her eyes as they angrily shone against Cadence. "No... she mustn't..." she said to herself as she felt the boiling anger heat her up. Fortunately for her, the palace doors opened with a bang, revealing the Elements of Harmony, escorted by her changelings. Soothing thoughts of the success she had achieved and the progress she had made, calmed her as she grinned to a gasping Cadence.

"You were saying, my dear?" She looked at the changelings."Go! FEED!" she shouted, both verbally and mentally. And with that, the changelings left their Queen and her prisoners as they proceeded to join the others in their efforts to gather more emotions.

She watched as the wielders of the Elements frowned at Cadence and Twilight.

"I am sorry Twilight... we should have believed you... we should have listened to you..." said Fluttershy, turning away from everypony and standing against the wall with her mane covering her teary face, ashamed of her behavior.

"We should have..." Chrysalis started hearing less and less as the environment became darker by the second. She realized her vision was at fault, rather than the lack of sunlight... she focused her eyes upon Cadence as the wounded mare received their apologies. Chrysalis felt the pain in her heart intensify as she looked at Cadence. She knew that she had to keep them feeling minimal pain, and to do that she had to keep them hating her until the last moment...

A light bulb lit in her mind as the idea struck her. She began singing and dancing in circles, spinning around and throwing in a bit of laughter.

This day has been just perfect
The kind of day that I wished since I was small
Everypony I'll soon control
Every stallion, mare, and foal
Who says a girl can't really have it all?

Once again, she felt their hate sustain her: clashes of emotions against her fed her. The negativity was what she was, what her changelings were, ponies that became instruments of her own hate, unable to be contained within her own body. And there she stood at the balcony in the light of day, enjoying the precious rays of the sun that was now under her control. In the meantime, Twilight made an attempt to escape her restraints. Before the bindings were able to advance into more solid forms to nullify her magic, she zapped them, releasing herself. Her hopes were now resting with Cadence, the only Alicorn that wasn't nullified completely during Chrysalis' invasion.

Escaping her bonds, Twilight felt her magic being freed completely and zapped Cadence's slimy bindings, her face forming an expression of utter disgust. Once she made sure Cadence was totally free, she pointed at Shining Armor and said, "Quickly! Go to him!" She had to hope that Cadence could help Shining Armor perform his spell. Cadence could only watch in surprise as Twilight bravely struggled to keep the hope in their hearts alive. Cadence shook her head, snapping back into reality. Right now, she had to bet that Shining Armor's spell would be enough to drive the changelings away from the city. Rushing to her love, Cadence looked into his eyes.

"Oh Shining, my love... what has she done to you? Come back to me... please..." His eyes remained blank as her pleas fell on deaf ears. Shining had only eyes for one mare now, and that mare was Chrysalis. Cadence hugged him, receiving no response. Her sorrow for her lost love overcame her. A tear flowed from her eyes. Instinctively, as the tear fell upon Shining’s chest, her own magic activated. A purple heart formed from the slight glow on horn, falling upon Shining's face. The magic of love was enough, even in this small amount, to dispel the hateful hypnotizing spell that Chrysalis had cast upon him.

As his eyes and mind cleared, Shining Armor returned to his former self, feeling the presence over his mind shifting. In a fit of confusion, he turned to Cadence and the rest, who were holding their breaths the whole time. He sensed their gazes upon him and looked at himself. Cadence was looking at him with tears streaming down her beautiful face. "What happened? Is the wedding over?" he said as he rubbed the sides of his head, seeking to ease the pain and clear the alien grasp over his mind.

In that time, Chrysalis felt another short pain within her own heart, and one of her hypnotized targets escaping the control of her own mind. Something was wrong. She looked around, feeling a slight sense of panic, which intensified when she caught the Princess of Love and her mate hugging near the altar both confused. She flew with her wings buzzing, landing with a thud next to them and feeling their terror rush into their hearts as her shade fell upon them.

"It's ALL over!" she declared.

"Your spell! Perform your spell!" Twilight frantically said to the couple.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you..." said Chrysalis with her glowing horn pointing at Celestia and Luna, trapped in the pods behind them.

"Unless you want something bad to happen to your beloved rulers, you won't make another step, you won't take a single breath unless I say so... we clear?" Chrysalis awaited their response, the glow slowly creeping from her horn up to Celestia's pod. They all watched, frightened, but Twilight grunted defiantly at Chrysalis, fixing her gaze upon her teal cat-shaped pupils.

"Equestria might survive without two Alicorns, but if you take over we'll be in a far worse position! We'll be worse than dead!" said Twilight, still hesitating to further encourage Cadence. There was something inside Chrysalis that seemed oddly familiar... oddly like the mare she cherished as a sister. As Twilight looked at them side by side, her mind couldn't help but make the comparison between the two creatures. One was an alicorn of love that spread the message of love, the other was a changeling that stole love from the world. It was as if somepony had taken an evil mirror and showed the opposite of Cadence before her...

"Silly girl, you just don't understand do you? I lied before... I don't want your kingdom. I want HER!" She said, pointing at Cadence. Everypony stood there silently, confused. Smiling with content as she finally held everypony’s attention, she continued.

"I am not going to set you free... not yet... not when I'm so close to fulfilling my dream!" Seizing the moment, Chrysalis zapped them all once again, their bindings reforming around their entire bodies. She left only their heads free so that they could hear what she had to say. Not that they had any other choice now. She approached Celestia once more as the Princess witnessed everything, her muffled screams unable to pierce the thickness of her magical cocoon.

"You should have given me what I wanted... this would be much easier for both of us if you did," she said, shaking her head.

"Twilight Sparkle... what do you know of the Flutterponies?" Chrysalis asked, a seemingly irrelevant question.


"Come on... what? The Flutterponies? What does this have to do with anything?"

"Oh it has everything to do with this... The Flutterponies, the Equestrian Diarchy, the Lord of Chaos and his games..."

Everything was going according to plan... she watched as the changelings set to preparing the ritual.

"It also has a lot to do with how Cadence came to be your mentor's "niece". I suppose she used her political power to mask her true identity, hidden even to herself..."

Everypony was speechless, Cadence herself felt everypony's focus shifting to her Chrysalis was drawing runes upon the ground as if preparing for a grand ritual.

"What's she saying Cadence?" Twilight asked. Cadence remained silent, as if she had spaced out for a moment.

"She has never met her parents..." replied Chrysalis, not lifting an eye from her own job. "Most likely, Celestia became Cadence's guardian by claiming to be her aunt. A little political influence into bureaucracy, turning her into an alicorn. It wouldn’t be hard for somepony like Celestia to assume responsibility of an orphan right? After all, every parent would dream of Celestia taking their child under their wing, right?" Twilight felt herself addressed as the changeling Queen's words alluded. She narrowed her eyes... she didn't want to believe this... Celestia had stolen a child from the streets? But wait, this could be...

"But of course, she could have just claimed that this was an act of charity, that she was also feeling lonely. Who would blame their ruler for caring for an orphan? Who would blame their ruler for unknowingly stealing my soul?" Her work was complete. Everything was set and she was ready. Now the only thing she had to do was finish the spell.

"I was known by the name Metis, a name that connoted wisdom and cunning. A thousand years ago I was ruler of the Flutterponies. Known for my love for my subjects, known for my wisdom in justice, my cunning in combat, I kept our race safe and my name became characteristic of people that bore similar values. He has the royal ‘Metis’ they used to say!" Suddenly her face became bitter as she looked upon the ground, lost in her own thoughts.

"Until Discord came. One touch... one touch was enough to ruin EVERYTHING!" her voiced echoed in the room as she stomped her hoof in anger. "I tried to shield myself in a spell: a cocoon that imprisoned me for a thousand years covered in butterflies. When it shattered I was different. I was... Chrysalis. But something else escaped, something had seeped out of the cocoon. My love, my hope, my wisdom... it all dissipated and vanished... or so I thought."

Once again her magic flowed in circles around her horn, flying like a magical serpent and grasping Cadence in a tight embrace.

"What are you doing? Let me go! Leave me alone!" Cadence fought against the magic, wiggling her hooves and shifting herself, but without any result.

"Don't fight it. You'll be much better soon enough. Come home Cadence... come home... I know you have felt empty for a long time... complete me. Look upon your heart, look upon your mind... and then look at me. Know the truth of your nature hidden within mine."

"I am nothing like you! Even if what you say is true, even if Celestia picked me up from the dregs of nothingness, that doesn't make me a part of you!" Chrysalis released her from her hold. When Cadence overcame her initial surprise and pain she looked to see Chrysalis biting her own hoof as hard as she could, causing two small marks to appear on her body. At the same moment Cadence grabbed her own hoof, only to see that there were two identical marks on it. No... it couldn't be... she couldn't be something like that evil bug! That was impossible!

"Discord's spell split us in half, and as my escape from my pod took a thousand years; so did your reincarnation. That is what Discord's magic does after all, doesn't it? It shows the evil nature of somepony? Twisting them into their opposite? So I became full of hate, anger, rage. Emotions like that radiated into our species, causing our transformation, causing us to become monsters, parasites, worse than living beings!" Slowly but steadily, Chrysalis started breathing quicker, and her face began to twist and turn as her blood boiled in rage. She gritted her teeth, trying to contain her feelings.

"I tried to warn you, tried to tell Celestia and Luna that I needed you, but all they saw was a monster threatening to hurt a young filly. But now you know. Now the truth is laying in front of you. We can do this the easy way, or the hard way. I warn you that the hard way has us both feeling excruciating pain, to the point of death."

While Chrysalis was explaining things, Cadence couldn't help but let the truth sink into her. She was right... Chrysalis was like the Discorded version of her, and she had no memories of her parents, no memories before Celestia and Luna. Strangely enough she felt it all came together: how she knew about the changelings, how she could never truly do evil. She lacked the capability to do any evil act for that matter. She was practically viewed as a saint, a stellar example for other ponies. It wasn't because she had learned this way, it was because she was deprived of any evil thought. Evil did not exist in her soul, and that part of her now stood before her in all her dark magic prowess and glory.

"What will happen to me?" she responded in fear, ignoring the voices of Twilight and her friends that protested in the background. She couldn't hear them now. Even Shining Armor’s voice was distant.

"Please Cadence! Don't do it! I can't bear to lose you!"

However, Chrysalis was the one to respond, sending waves of magic to muffle them all. "Silence! I do not know what will happen to you, Princess. If the goodness in your heart is strong enough, if you value your friends, your wisdom, your lover, then they will persevere. This is a ritual that has never been cast before, as were the effects of Discord's spell."

"But... the Elements of Harmony..." she protested weakly.

"The Elements of Harmony are too volatile and too dangerous for this situation... they are meant to cleanse evil, not unite it with good. Even if the rest of the changelings were affected by them I would die, and this would drag you with me, the hole within your chest would grow, and it would eventually consume you out of lack of balance. No Princess... this has to be done this way, and it has to be done now... before it gets worse." Chrysalis had an imminent tone and was impatiently tapping her hoof on the ground, annoyed by the stalling for time.

"Alright... I agree... let's do this." she breathed out in surrender, and Chrysalis smiled, satisfied.

She guided Cadence to sit at the proper place on the runes. Murmuring incantations, Chrysalis' horn gathered the love that flew upon the air from the imprisoned ponies. Everypony contributed, even the Princesses, none were ignored, none. The energy flowed within the air, drawing them to the center of the runes, which responding by lighting up in the floor. With a burst of light, streams of magic engulfed both Chrysalis and Cadence and began expanding, eventually joining in one.

Cadence felt it, memories, experiences joining her, but she also felt Chrysalis' personality seeping into her. The evil, the temptation. Bit by bit she felt the lure of the dark side calling her forth telling them to embrace it... to accept it. What could she do? If she refused it she would lose herself, if she didn't she would lose herself as well. She started mentally saying goodbyes to those that were close to her... Celestia, Twilight, Shining Armor... she felt her heart swelling with the bitterness of loss and the evil feasting upon it. It was within that darkness however that she found her weapon to face this. It was determination. They would become her weapon now. No! She told herself, I won’t be controlled like Luna or anypony else! I am Cadence! I will keep those who I love close to me, and even if my name would be different I am still Cadence!

As she made that decision, an explosion rocked the castle. Waves of magical energy swept over Canterlot, touching all the changelings and harming none else in the process. The explosion also dispelled all the cocoons and the ponies watched as cracks of teal light appeared from inside the changelings’ husks. As the cracks formed, their shells shattered, revealing what looked like unicorns with diaphanous butterfly-like wings of differing complexity. Cutie marks began to appear on their flanks. The ponies previously terrified by the hideous changelings approached them with a mixture of curiosity and fear.

The Flutterponies, no longer bound by their curse, apologized for what they had done. They didn't await an order from their Queen now, her absolute control over them broken. No longer were they filled with hate, anger, and malice. As a desire to make amends filled them, they started fixing the castle and the mess they had made.

When the explosion and the light vanished everypony gathered around where Chrysalis and Cadence had been, and as they did a shining alicorn figure descended. Everypony rejoiced, thinking that Cadence had survived the spell, but what came before them was not what they expected. She was an alicorn with black coat and a teal sparkling mane, upon which rested a teal crown with white pearls and golden lining around the base. She wore blue shoes with shining teal gems upon them and had a cutie mark of a purple crown with a small teal heart below it. As she opened her green eyes she saw everypony scrutinizing her top to bottom, speechless.

"Twilight... Shining... please don't look at me like that." Her voice had the confidence of Queen Chrysalis... but both Twilight Sparkle and Shining Armor recognized within her the kindness and the sweetness of their beloved Cadence. They looked into her eyes and saw inside her the reflection of their beloved: she was still there, her alicorn nature was still there, it was her and they felt it inside them. They both rushed at her and soon everypony followed, sharing the happiness.

Oh there was doubt sure. Paranoia even. There needed to be confirmation, and this was the time.

First it was Twilight Sparkle who stepped forth and raised an eyebrow, she still wasn’t sure what she saw was even related to either Chrysalis or Cadence.

“So… what do we call you now? How do we know how much of Cadence or Chrysalis you are? If you are even any of them that is. How about we do the ‘dance’?” she inquired. The new alicorn before her grumpily surrendered to her request.

“Sunshine, sunshine, ladybugs awake. Clap your hooves and do a little shake!” When they were done it was clear that Cadylis or whatever they should call her was familiar with “that awkward dance,” as her mind called it.

“Uhmm… Twilight if you don’t mind… Let’s not do that again shall we? Not unless it’s necessary. I really don’t like shaking my flank in such an inappropriate manner in front of anypony but my husband, or at least husband-to-be.”

“But…”

“No buts Twilight… maybe we can find a new one? To be honest Chrysalis was more ‘terrified’ and ‘stunned’ that you had such a gesture. She knew of it, she just didn’t want to do it.” She gave them a shy smile.

“As for what you should call me, I think Amora seems nice. Figuring as I’m neither Metis, nor Cadence, nor Chrysalis now. Let’s just say a change of name would be nice to herald a new era.”

“So… Amora huh?” said Shining Armor. He was still unsure of how to feel about this, just as Twilight was. Hell, the rest of the Elements of Harmony were practically speechless. But Shining had a question to ask. He had to know if the mare he loved was still inside that body. His heart had a weird emptiness now and he couldn’t exactly pinpoint the reason. Was it that she was different now? Maybe it was that he was drained from his love before? No… it was none of those reasons. He couldn’t quite put his hoof on it, just as he didn’t know what to say.

Amora instinctively moved closer to him. She had a compassionate expression. A soft smile adorned her face, and her eyes looked straight into Shining’s as if seeking to communicate with his soul. Shining couldn’t just ask the question, he couldn’t just know what was true with words. So in one surge of bravery he hugged Amora and kissed her. Amora herself didn’t hesitate. She knew, after all, what her own heart beated for. She had the desire, the will, and the love of this relationship. If he hadn’t done it she would have. After all, the reasons they fell in love were still there, all the secret meetings, the chases, the nights… oh the nights!

After they released each other from their passionate kiss, Shining was crying.

“It’s you… by the maker it’s you. Oh Cadence I thought I lost you…” he said resting his head upon her shoulder while Amora leaned on him, caressing his back.

“I was never gone Shining, and thank you…”

“Thank you? For what?” he inquired as he wiped his own tears and pulled his head back, but still held her into a hug.

“Your love was one of the things that kept me alive while I struggled to find my true self. Your love, the motherly care of the Princesses, the friendships I made… when I was getting swallowed by the darkness they came to me, even Chrysalis herself contributed to me being who I am now.” Shining was speechless. Everypony was. Who could blame them with what they heard, plus their “smooching” was too passionate to hold the blushes down.

“I thought inside that darkness everything was evil. But Shining… even though you might hate Chrysalis for brainwashing you, she had one thing that made me who I am now. She had determination. Determination granted me the strength, the power to stay my own course, to hold on to the things I valued the most.” She looked at Twilight, then Shining, the rest of the Elements, then the Princesses.

“So, you still are on our side?” Asked a relieved Celestia, shaking a bit after the release from her cold prison. She was unsure of what to say, what to apologize for and what not. She was probably trying to wrap her head around all this. “To think I was so wrong all this time…” she shook her head, disappointed in herself for having made such an amateurish mistake. She should have seen past the darkness, past the cover of the book. Princess Luna approached her as well, putting a hoof over her shoulder in a sisterly manner, trying to comfort her.

Amora’s reaction, however, surprised her. She pushed Twilight and Shining away and trotted over to the solar diarchy and… hugged them. She hugged them dearly, she held them close, she wanted to show them her love, she wanted to say so many things.

“There’s no point in blaming yourselves for the past. What only matters is the future. In any case, I am glad you took me in. You protected me, you nourished me, and gave what every filly should have. Care, love, friends, and family. Maybe you got a little overprotective. I just hope I didn’t do too much damage to you by besieging your city.”

Celestia was about to retort, but Amora released her hug and raised her hoof. “I’ll answer to the ponies of Canterlot myself. It is how it should be. I’ll be the one paying for my sins. In the meantime...”

A new light shone upon her through the windows. It was still day… this marriage could still be saved. She turned back to Shining, who was still crying a bit. She knelt before him and took her crown in her hooves. Could it be? thought Shining. Was she doing what he thought she was?

“Shining Armor…” said Amora with a serious expression as she looked at him from her position.

“Y-yes?” was the only thing he could stutter in response.

“Though this wedding ceremony might be ruined, the reasons we fell in love are still there. Our love has persevered against the unthinkable. I want you to stand beside me, my love, my guardian, my candle in the darkness.”

“Cad.. Amora… are you asking me to…” he couldn’t say it.

“Yes. Shining Armor, will you marry me?”

The room was filled with silent anticipation. Throughout all of this the elements had all deadpanned. Even Pinkie Pie was silent through the whole thing, unsure if she should feel happy and throw a party, or stay silent in recognition of the seriousness of the situation. That alicorn still “bugged” her a bit.

Shining Armor could only nod in response as they hugged tightly once again. The room was filled with cheers of happiness as everypony shared Shining’s joy . The one that broke the cheers was Pinkie Pie herself, as unlikely as that may seem.

“WHAT UP PONIES! NO TIME FOR SLACKING! WE GOT A WEDDING TO PLAN!”

And so it was that the day of an invasion ended in a way none could have predicted. The universe was in a really good mood that day it seemed. Go universe! But what did happen the day after that? How did the party go? What happened with the Flutterponies? That… is a story for another time.

Author's Note:

So... this was re-written in a way. Here have the final edited thing. Maybe you can tell me what you want to see? Maybe I can make a sequel? What say you? What did I do well? What did I do wrong?

Inspiration sources:Draco the Dragon movie and Kingdom Hearts:Birth by Sleep (Ventus and Vanitas)

Comments ( 91 )

It would most certainly be interesting to see what happens next. I get the image in my head of a pleasantly surprised Shining Armour when he finds out his wife has suddenly become a competent strategist and adequate assistant or partner in his military duties. The other side of the equation that now Amora has a bit of a temper or such would be interesting to deal with, I don't think we've ever seen Cadence really get angry before.

Still, a sequel would also need a solid narrative to carry it. Alternatively could make it a series of short Slice of Life chapters playing around with how this has changed things. Either way I'll be looking forward to what you tern out. :twilightsmile:

5024718 Well what if i told you that Amora had friends from before? Plus we got Sombra and the whole other debacles. Like "forced reformation spell" Discord.

5104939 And i approve of Black Jesus ((basically i don't care what color he is))

I'd love to see this universe continued!

5229894 You might just get your wish.

Yeah, I want what 5229894 said. Great story. I would like to know what happened to the Flutter ponies as well.^^

5284073 :D YAY! Well i might release a teaser soon.

What time is it? Review time? Already?

~:ajsmug:

An interesting, for sure. There was the fact that 'I' kept being 'i' instead, which bugged (heh) the hell out of me. Other than that, this was intriguing.

Rating::trixieshiftright::trixieshiftright::trixieshiftright: and a half/5

Fave Line:

"You won't get away with this! Twilight and her friends will..."

Final Verdict: So if they have sex, is it considered a threesome?

5326517 I could make your wish come true. .. *giggle* Damn I thought I corrected all these errors. Oh well. What I wanted was to give a Lex Luthor kind of vibe XD.

Thinking of continuation. Interested?

5326570 Oh yes. This definitely needs a continuation.

And sex. There should always be sex.

5326825 Maybe I'll do a clopshot chapter later. Havent tried that one keep your eyes open.

Ah yes, this would explain why she and her race need love so much...

5326933 Do it and send me a link when it's done

5326941 To be honest I see emotions for changelings also being a power source. Also how did you read it so fast?

Nice job!
I was gripped from the start as it was an interesting spin.

5345266 XD Well that makes me happy! Welp any impression wishes suggestions?

Well.

That was.

Yeah.

Nah. No thanks. It was so deux ex machina that it hurt. And "No, no. It's both of us!" Is bull. It was obviously cadance. There was no MIX there. You showed ONE incident of difference between cadance and the new one. ONE. Everything else screamed of cadance. So yeah. I really didn't like it.

So, there ya go. You asked me to take a look at it and I did.

Comment posted by nioniosbbbb deleted Dec 5th, 2014

5346992 Actually i deleted my last comment in favor of a more comprehensive response. You believe that Chrysalis and Cadence have shared characteristics now inside Amora. That is NOT the case. This is just a Cadence with a bit of Chrysalis in her. An arbitrary analogy in percetages would be 75% Cadence 25% Chrysalis. The thing is i never said that this was about being somewhere in the middle of good and evil. This was about being able to CHOOSE between good and evil. Cadence as i said in the fic was not a good pony because she strived to be one. The only choice she had was to be good, and that she was. Until the point of ACW we don't have much to go on in gestures, movements, or catchphrases other than that weird dance to actually tell us who Cadence is. There is little characterization for her. Granted i don't do much to fix that either but i do something nonetheless. In any case i'm still quite happy on how this came out besides the few errors in showing and telling that it has right now. Nothing is going to change so easily because of one negative review or whatever.

However a question remains:This can go on in a sequel and explore this. Do you think it deserves one?

5347281

I'm a poor person to ask that since I really didn't like the story much. It all came off as trite. Not to mention you basically killed the best villian in it. :/

But putting my bias towards Chryssi aside. No. I do not believe so. It was a condensed story with an overly obvious deus ex machina. They're already "Oh it's you!" *hug, kiss, yadda, yadda* there's really not much to build off aside from "oh you're slightly different! Oh, it's okay. We love you anyway" and that'd get old quick. The only REAL thing to build off would be ruling the flutterponies and that's really all I can see that would be remotely interesting.

Sorry if I come off harsh but I'm going on hardly any sleep because they're doing friggin railroad construction across the road AT TWO IN THE MORNING and work was the worst it's been in months. So...yeah. That's my bit. Going to bed now.

5347382 Yea... maybe it needed double the length to be legitimate. Also Deus Ex Machina? How. I still don't quite grasp the DEM thingie.

5347385

something that pops up and saves the day. The whole "She found her determination" thing. It's just meh. I mean, she just found it and boom. Everything is fine now, she stays in control and everyone is happy. I may be a bit rash in calling it a DEM but that's how it felt to me. The moment I read the line I physically groaned due to how it felt to me.

5347391 Well how else would it make sense? I mean it's a mental battle not something... well look you must look at it as the length of a one shot. I mean it was intended to be one. Now if i continue it i don't know. I am tempted to make a romance clopshot of Amora and Shining. It'll be... spicy.

you should do a sequel! this was a very good oneshot, i would love to see more :twilightsmile:

5347923 Hmmm how does a romance clopshot before the official continuation sound?

5347395

Yeah. But it was hardly a battle at all.
It was ONE paragraph. That's not really much of a battle. it was more "Struggle, DETERMANATION, victory"
That's it.
Also as my two cents a clopfic wouldn't work as a sequel to this since this one had no hints of clop nor anything of the sort. you'd be jumping from "T" to "A" (Ha. T and A. I'm so mature) with one sequel. It might work as a side story but not a full fledged sequel. A sequel should be something to push the story forward. But it's up to you. I'm just giving my thoughts.

5348186 I see so it was short i get it. In all sincerity i may revisit this. Also things are volatile. Maybe i'll just make it a sequel and rewrite it as a new Romance story with Amora and attempt to reconnect with Equestria.

Pros:
Finally a back story on the changelings. In the whole wedding ep., I wondered why Cadence knew about them and yet everyone was in a fog about what they were. An alicorn of love and a creature of lust introduced at the same time? That was seemingly too perfect to happen. The pacing is good, though a little bit rushed around with the changelings transforming into flutter ponies.
Cons:
Celestia ripped the soul out of another creature? That would go against her ethics, IMO. She's always seen to be so caring and loving, for her to do that almost seems OOC. I think you could have put more into the whole flutter ponies helping everyone out part. They were just destroying everything and then do a complete u-turn and help rebuild. Why would Chrysalis tell them to destroy if she knew she was going to reunite with Cadence?

5382912 The thing is I didn't mention they were destroying the town. They were capturing ponies. Second of all Celestia didn't rip apart the Soul of anyone. She was protecting Cadence. She encountered her and adopted her... Let's be honest. Which is more possible? That Chrysalis wants to abduct Cadence and conquer Canterlot or that she's here to take back her soul? Occam's Razor theory ftw! Simplest solution best solution.

5382954
Whoops, misread that part. I thought it was Celestia, not Discord. But the changelings were raising heck around Canterlot. The came down like green meteors attacking the mane 6. I do have to ask, will the crystal empire arc be effected by this as well as the rest of the nobility? She's not really the same princess as before.

5382976 Yes they had to hurry... she was getting desperate. Oh yes... favorite the story and you might as well have a teaser about the reactions of the public soon. :)

5382986
Already in my "Bug Collection" bookshelf.

Nice me likes, have a follow :pinkiehappy:

Hmm... very interesting take on Cadance's origin. I like, I like.

5939100 Could be better tbh

revealing the Elements of Harmony,escorted by her changelings.

Need a space here.

Before the bindings were able to advance into more solid forms to nullify her magic

Double space

the only Alicorn that wasn't nullified completely during Chrysalis' invasion.

Luna wasn't nullified, just forgotten about and she spent the time making up lost sleep.

her face forming an expression of utter disgust . Once she made sure Cadence was totally free

Unneeded space.

A purple heart formed from the slight glow on horn, falling upon Shining's face.

Double space

said Chrysalis with her glowing horn pointing at Celestia and Luna, trapped in the pods behind them.

Damn, foiled again by sleep.

Cadence came to be your mentor's "niece". I suppose she used her political power to mask her true identity

Only use single quotes since the sentences are already in quotes.

Don't fight it.You'll be much better soon enough.

Space

and that part of her now stood before her in all her dark magic prowess and glory.

Double space

and even if myname would be different I am still Cadence!

I think "my name" is two words.

As she opened her green eyes she saw everypony scrutinizing her top to bottom, speechless.

Double space. To fix all these, you can just use Control + F to find double spaces.

Her voice had the confidence of Queen Chrysalis...

Cause these things are everywhere, I am gonna just stop pointing them out.

Figuring as i’m neither Metis, nor Cadence, nor Chrysalis now.

Capitalize

she looked at Twilight, then Shining, the rest of the Elements, then the Princesses.

Capitalize.

This was good, but I don't see a reason for the Dark tag. I was expecting things to not finish up so cleanly, also felt that the ending was rushed in a way. Lot of details glossed over after the spell finished and changelings became flutterponies.

6085084

Luna wasn't nullified, just forgotten about and she spent the time making up lost sleep.

This has never been confirmed. And it is also highly unlikely. In this world I believe Luna was surprised by Chrysalis's soldiers moments after she revealed herself. She actually gave the signal early when Cadance escaped.

This was good, but I don't see a reason for the Dark tag. I was expecting things to not finish up so cleanly, also felt that the ending was rushed in a way.

It's better than the original draft let me tell you that. You didn't get anything past the transformation in the original.

I am generally thinking of rewritting this.

Lot of details glossed over after the spell finished and changelings became flutterponies.

A lot of these details are also not needed. Simple version of this spell includes gorgins one's self with love to harmonize the two parts of the soul. Think of love as fuel to open the forge that will smelt those souls together.

As for the Flutterponies I will say that they were "overshadowed" by Chrysalis's influence. She partly had the powers of chaos at her side. She is VERY powerful. A similar thing to this transformation would be the Smiths exploding in the end and ppl returning to normal. I was thinking of that when they transformed.

Will rewrite eventually. Do keep in touch.

6085406

A lot of these details are also not needed.

I know it isn't needed, but it feels as if the pace of the story increases after this point and it just felt rushed to me; like you were racing to the end. I felt like there was a build up to this but then the climax wasn't as high as I was expecting and the resolution too quick.

Will rewrite eventually. Do keep in touch.

I don't even know how to keep in touch! So here is a staring match over a muffin.

i.imgur.com/vRJIf8H.jpg

6086632

I know it isn't needed, but it feels as if the pace of the story increases after this point and it just felt rushed to me; like you were racing to the end. I felt like there was a build up to this but then the climax wasn't as high as I was expecting and the resolution too quick.

Well in all honesty the original draft was a self-competition to see how much I can write with a time limit. And how well... It was written in 3 and a half hours of Insomnia and as I said the resolution thingie in the end didn't even exist then.

In ANY case... if you do want to "keep in touch" per say you can like/fav/track this story and/or follow me.

I'll start off by saying that this story could use some work. Anyway, I do have a few things to mention. I felt as though it was a bit exposition heavy at times, though that may be due to the story's premise and how it is basically an alternate ending to "A Canterlot Wedding". The exposition serves its purpose, though it does feel a bit much. Lastly, there were some instances where I felt it read a little funny. It's something I struggle with as well, though one way to combat this is to read what you wrote out loud.

While it's not my cup of tea, it's something I can see some people liking, and some tweaks regarding the aforementioned sentence structure and the use of exposition and characterization can help in this story and in your future writings. I wish you the best of luck on your future projects! :twilightsmile:

6254002 As I said I was considering on rewriting it. Word of advice. Read my lowest likes stories. They have the most quality.

Oh, yeah! I really enjoyed this! Good read and wonderful, original concept. I loved it! :twilightsmile:

You, good sir, get an upvote, a favorite and ten Internets! :pinkiehappy:

6382223 yay! I might delve more into this.

6382226

I hope you do. It's good stuff! My only regret is that I didn't read it sooner.

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