After heading home after a party at Applejacks' to celebrate saving Equetria again, Twilight comes across her Library. How will she handle seeing her destroyed home? What will she find?
Edited by: TimberWolf65
Chapters (1)
Scooty Dash
Joined 1st Apr, 2013 ·
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Bravo my Friend!
4453357 Thanks
Marvelous.
Great word choices.
4453415 Why thank you very much
Whoa, just whoa. My kudos to you, fellow writer.
4460274 Thank you very much
Very nice! You did an excellent job both setting the scene and making a point in a relatively short space. There are a couple technical and formatting issues, but nothing that took me out of the moment. Keep up the great work!
5237603 Thank you very much
Nice.
Ok, I haven't even read this yet and this is violating the contest rules. This is a RANDOM writtin contest! Not a sad contest!
5245640 I'm sorry I must have mischeck that. I'll delete it right now.
5247264 thank you! :3
5247412 Your welcome. Sorry about that, May I ask did you read the story?
5247630 not yet but I will sometime today. Last night I didn't really feel like it or really had the time to read anything.
Overall, it's a perfectly good one-shot focusing on sorrow and hope, but narrative like this:
is annoying and clunky.
And there are quite a few repeated words and phrases that ruin the flow, too:
Ironing out problems like these would make it a smoother read.
5273154 Thanks for the advice.
5273468
You're welcome.
Not bad, not bad. Pretty good for a 1000 word oneshot.
There's a few things there that are a little clunky. Be careful with your clauses, especially your embedded ones as they don't quite work as well as they should. Keep changing up your vocabulary, a good rule to follow is never to have the same term of address twice. So instead of saying "She" all the time say "Twilight" or "the purple unicorn" or don't begin the sentence with the term of address. Just keep changing it up will make it much less, err, stop start if that's the right words to describe it.
Otherwise, pretty good. I got the sad vibe from the piece and the description was good.
Keep it up and I hope that helps.
5273782 Thank you. I will try to get the changes done soon and get it to go through another proof read too.
5273782 Remember to leave a like and a fav
5273787
Sure, in fact, you can message me if you do. I'd be happy to take another look and help out if I can.
Pretty good. From a guy who regularly writes poignant serious pieces, I must comment you on this one. :)
5274773 Thank you
Loved this story, a bittersweet, but beautiful, little read.
5313246 Thanks
A GOOD STORY !!!!!!