• Member Since 14th Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen Nov 24th, 2019

Fire Gazer the Alchemist


The pen is mightier than the sword, but the nuclear bomb's got them both beat.

T
Source

Lightning Dust, furious after being kicked out of the Wonderbolt's Academy, stumbles into a random bar in order to blow off some steam. Things proceed to go downhill from there.


Editor: WorkbenchManiac

Chapters (21)
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Comments ( 129 )

Huh... yeah okay. That was kinda cute. If you allow, it was nice tight one-shot. Maybe open an epilogue. Or, if you wanna keep the bar as the central character, rather Sin City-esqe.
Keep up the good works, Gazer.

Lightning Dust isn't a character I see being used that often, so I'm curious to see where you take her after this.

I'm interested to see where you take this. She is going to have a hangover

Ok man , this was a great fanfic I just read. I was getting to the end and wondered hey this could be a one chapter thing after reading the last few sentences , but i jumped out of my seats seeing its incomplete. Good job man! Good job ! You made my night.

Will Lightning Dust get into a drunken brawl, or be doing any fighting in this story?

Will there be an awkward scene where Lightning Dust tries to do anything in the bar?

Not bad thus far. I look forward to seeing where you go with this.

4542866

4542819

I can't guarantee anything awkward or violent just yet. I've got a few ideas, but so far the next chapter has barely been started.

4543059 Hooray! Theres a next chapter!

Poor Derpy. I hope she is able to convince Lightning to give her a chance.

Oh, poor Lightning. I feel bad for her.

What she should do is tell Derpy the story and have Derpy 'accidentally' destroy Rainbow's house.

4675259
That's a hilarious idea, but I don't think I'll ever put it in the story. After all Rainbow didn't know she ruined Lightning's dreams and livelihood at the same time.

...or did she? :trixieshiftright:

4675383

She's going to know soon enough or not.

Actually, I can see Derpy just being super passive aggressive with Rainbow over it, eventually wrecking her house.

I don't normally do this because I'm friggin' lazy I don't have that much time, but I really like your story and there were only a few errors anyway:

Here, here,” Derpy chants, clinking her glass into mine.

It's actually "Hear, hear."

“Can you even pay for all the beer your drinking?” I ask her.

you're

Whose gonna hire me?” Lightning mumbles.

Who's

“I hate to be the blunt asshole here, but your going to have to either swallow your pride and beg your parents for money, or get a job.

you're

She sniffles, “Maybe,

Replace that comma at the end with a period. (Also, I'm not too sure, but maybe that first comma should be replaced, as well.)

There may be more errors that I missed, but these are the ones that I remember, and you really don't have many errors in the first place, so props for that. Asides from that, good chapter. I really do like stories like this that make you sympathize with a normally unpopular character. Plus, Lightning Dust has grown quite a bit on me lately, and I like your interpretation of her. Oh, and "Cactus" is a pretty cute nickname for her; maybe you'll consider having it come up again in future chapters?

In any case, I look forward to more.

Derpy thought Lightning was gay, and was content to keep her affections silent. Meanwhile, Lightning believed Derpy thought she was straight, and had just agreed to be her friend. It was all too perfect.

Oh yeah, there's absolutely no way that could go wrong. :ajbemused:

"clitorference" may be one of the more amusing terms I've read this week. Well done.

The paint on the walls was ancient, chipped, and covered in graffiti. Damn near every window was cracked or smashed open and I’m pretty sure I saw a few rats running around.

Paint, windows, and rats. In Cloudsdale. Oh, and wood as well.
I'm sure there's an explanation for it all, but I can't help but think you haven't quite grasped the concept of a cloud city. Especially the bit about building materials.

In any case, looking forward to more. That's going to be a very interesting picnic.

4677953
Yeah, perhaps my choice of building materials could've been a little better :twilightblush: But how exactly was I suppose to show a run down building if it was made out of clouds? Those things don't exactly have lousy qualities.

I'll probably just use a headcannon in which building materials can be enchanted and brought up to the sky for use, and only buildings on the good side of town are made out of clouds.

Glad you're enjoying the story so far. :pinkiehappy:

4678065
Think "ragged cotton" or "old sofa" on an industrial scale. Tufts of cloudstuff drifting out of the walls, near-holes that are little more than wisps of cirrus, sullen clumps of built-up static charge, and of course, discoloration from soaking up Celestia-only-knows what. Maybe throw in weird smells or textures as well.

4678321
Well that definitely could work. Hope you don't mind if I go back and edit that part using those ideas.

Have a nice holiday, FG. We'll be looking forward to the next chapter, in it's time. :twilightsmile:

This better not end in tears. Surprised Derry didn't mention Rainbow as a fast flyer.

Derpy vs RD in shouting match

4716847
I make no promises regarding the tears. However I will admit that we are getting close to Rainbow Dash's appearance.

“And she’ll sweep you off your feet and dance with you.

Her what now-? :trixieshiftright:

4722868

whoops :twilightblush:

thanks for catching that. I have no idea how I missed it.

Am I the only person who thinks Rider should start dating one of TT's friends, followed by a lot of jokes when TT is jealous. (Because TT liked the attention, not by some hidden secret crush shot.)

The freezing temperature causes me to flinch and involuntarily swear. Then I voluntarily swear just for the heck of it.

:rainbowlaugh:

This might just be the first interpretation of Time Turner I've seen that doesn't have him as the Doctor (Though I still imagine him with Jestre's voice :rainbowlaugh:)

I'm not sure who's more oblivious, Lightning or Derpy...

During the first person section, you kept switching tenses. What I mean is, you kept switching between the present and the past.
For example:

“Unfortunately,” Sparkler replies. She patted Dinky on the head. “I’ll see you in a few days, all right kiddo?” Dinky nodded, but still needed to pried off the pink unicorn by her mother.

You used 'replies', which is present tense, and then 'patted', past tense, in the very next sentence. These little inconsistencies are all over the place. Considering, up until this point, the first person sections were in present tense, I think you need to weed out the past tense parts. That said, it wasn't bad enough that it bothered me, and I enjoyed the new chapter. Can't wait till the next one!

4816035
Thanks for catching that. :twilightsheepish: My editing's been getting a little sloppy lately. I'll fix it right now.

Diabetuus.

So much cute. But you know what I want. The Dash arrives, says the wrong thing and Derpy uses her iron butt to beat her down.

Do it do it do it.

Yeah! You tell Rainbow to screw off, Derpy! And screw her book too!

Derpy is loyal to her friends... unlike some blue pegasus I could name.

Yeah you tell her derpy!

4932987 Never mess with a book. THis is not a threat, its a warning.

I noticed you said "Gee, thanks", which normally implies sarcasm.
I would recommend just changing it to thanks.

I scrolled back through looking for errors, and found it clean. I've liked this story. Sometimes the nuances of "two ponies walk into a bar" can cause a story to really slip away from what the author is going for. This story is clear: LD is in a rut following the events of the Wonderbolt Academy; Derpy wants to be shipped with LD; their Seinfeld-esque friends want what's best for both while dealing with their own lives. It's simple and fun, though a more challenging story would be for the reader to come in weekly at the bar and find out how the situation has evolved. That was how the first three chapters felt. Just keep that Happy Days feel to it, and this story will retain it's individuality. Regardless, I still approve the :derpytongue2:Dust ship.

On a last note, nice work with Rainbow Brash. Hope there is a resolution around her and her rival, and maybe with her mail carrier too. :rainbowdetermined2:

It’s not fair, Derpy lamented. How can she be that adorable when she’s being a total pig?

To be fair, Twilight still looked adorable stuffing her face with burgers.

4974158 Twilight doesn't count, she is the perfect example for being absolutely adorable.

Keep writing. This story just gets cuter and cuter.

This would make a nice mlp book if it didn't swear, cuz, kids would see it, and... You know what comes next. :derpytongue2:

"lightning stomach growls" You forgot Lightning's. It's HER stomach :pinkiehappy:

Comment posted by GalaxyFlower deleted Sep 23rd, 2014

"There's still a tone of mail to deliver"? :twilightsheepish:

Also you said "acade" 8) yeah.. Sorry, I'm kind of a spelling check kind of person

4996984
Don't worry about it, I'm always glad to receive some help.

NOOOOO! BUCK THIS, MAN! I WANT TO READ MOREEEEE :raritycry: life is so unfair ;-;
But either way, good job! You should be a writer when you grow up... Or become one if you are grown up... You get it! I am cheering for you ^_^ :twilightsmile: Also, this is funneh because, When I first watched My little pony, I thought Derpy was a guy, and was gay for liking doctor hooves (or so I hear...) and now, my friends tell me she's a girl, and this :pinkiecrazy:

You asshole! Why are you doing this to Derpy?! :flutterrage:

Rider needs to punch himself in the face. Heck, his conscious needs to come to life and beat the crap out of him.


The only way this ends well is if Lightning is in denial and comes out of the closet. Otherwise.... extreme heartbreak. :fluttercry:

5031613 Part of me thinks Turner and Lightning will hook up, but I hope not. What I really want is Turner going to the cloud bar via magic and trying to act like he's gay because...
Ask the Applejack Daniels.

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