When life gives you lemons
“Oh...my head,” Anon groans silently to himself. His eyes slowly flutter open for the briefest moment. The smallest amount of light forcing him to snap them closed with a hiss. “Yeah, definitely a hangover.”
Anon doesn't remember too much about what happened last night. All he can recall is bumping into someone, then really needing a drink. Something about Celestia and Luna, then nothing. He cringes some as his head continues to thump against his skull. Why the hell did he drink so much again? It probably doesn't matter. He can worry when he’s done resting for a little while longer.
He slowly moves around to get comfortable again. Rolling onto his left side, he jerks back some at the feeling of something pressing up against him. Now Anon is in total confusion over what is happening right now. He doesn’t even need to open his eyes to know who is in his bed. He knows that only one pony smells like nightshade. He forces his eyes open, only to see the curled up face of Luna.
So, that confirms one thing. Anon looks past her to make sure that he is still in his room, from the looks of it, he definitely is. Why is she here? He notices her turn over in her sleep. She scoots closer to him. That’s when something else becomes apparent. Anon can feel her coat on his skin. Like, his entire skin. He gingerly lifts the blanket some and finds that his thoughts are right. He’s naked, in bed, with Luna.
Alright, no time to panic. Maybe this is a big misunderstanding?
“Mmm… Anon,” a murmur calls from behind him.
Anon doesn't get to see who was talking as a set of hooves wrap around his waist and pull him back. He feels his back make contact with something especially soft. He doesn't know how to process what the hell is happening right now as a sigh of content reaches his ears. Slowly, he looks over his shoulder to see the last pony he wants to see right now.
There lay Celestia, her muzzle resting on his shoulder with a small smile as she continues to rest. Anon can feel his heart racing as multiple thoughts fill his mind. What the hell did he do last night?! Why are both the princesses in bed with him?! And why the hell is he naked!? He knows the answer. He doesn't want to believe it, but he knows the answer.
He got drunk and somehow got these two into bed. How he even managed to do that is leaving him in a state of shock. The thoughts of what they probably did last night makes him shiver a bit inside. He likes the princesses, don't get him wrong. It’s just, he wasn't at that stage in his life where he wanted to get physical with a pony. Well, with any species really. He even had a hard time with humans. He just doesn't like being too physical with anything.
Yet, here he is. In bed with two of the most powerful ponies on this planet. From the smiles on their faces, he did a pretty good job. What is he going to do now? Do they remember what happened last night? Were they drunk as well? If they weren't, then does that mean they are interested in him? So many questions and no answers to help. All he has is a racing heart and a pounding head.
He needs to get out of this bed quickly and try and forget this ever happened. New problem, how is he going to get out of bed? Celestia practically has him in a kung fu grip! There’s no way he can escape! Not to mention that her fur against his bare naked flesh is making him feel really weird right now. His situation only gets worse as Luna scoots closer to him.
Yeah, he’s screwed now. He is sandwiched between these two with no means of escape. He lets out a silent sigh as he accepts his fate. All he can really do right now is try and get some rest. Maybe he can explain that whatever happened was a mistake. If they don't understand, then maybe he will go to the Griffon kingdom for the rest of his life. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.
Celestia feels something pressed firmly against her barrel. Her emotions are completely relaxed right now. She swears she’s never had a morning like this one. She doesn't even open her eyes as she ignites her horn, moving the sun into place as she always does. She just snuggles closer to whatever she is holding. Where is she? Slowly her mind starts to warm up to her previous memories.
It comes flooding back, what happened yesterday, the dreams, the talk she had with Anon. Her eyes slowly open as she looks down slightly to see that he is firmly pressed against her body. A small smile grows on her lips as she holds him. He is here and she will protect him. He’s suffered enough and it’s high time Celestia helped him. He’s been nice to both her and her sister. It’s only right to return the favor.
She pulls him a little closer to her as she rests her muzzle on his neck. She looks past him and spots Luna in bed as well. She has her head buried into his chest with a small smile on her face. Celestia feels her heart melt a little at the sight. Still, she can't help but cringe some as she also recalls the memories. Twilight… How was she going to deal with this?
She knows she can't let this slide by without action. What Twilight did is downright criminal. She needs to lay the law down on her and make sure something of this nature doesn't happen again. She is certain that Twilight will learn a lesson. But what of the others? Can she really say anything to them? While what they did to Anon is horrible, she’s not too sure what she can do.
Not to mention that she hasn't even gotten the full story from Anon. She’s only heard of three of the elements. What of the other two? What about the other ponies? There is so much Anon is holding from her. Does he only do it to protect her? Is it to protect himself? She doesn't know and it hurts her that she doesn't know what to do to help him.
Luna takes in a strong scent that is pressed against her muzzle. The smell is familiar to her, yet so different. It’s strong, musky, a salty kick to it as well. She knows this smell very well. This is the smell of her human friend, Anonymous. She opens her eyes and finds a wall of skin before her, her smile growing more as she pulls away and looks up.
There, still sleeping, is him. She feels her smile slip some as she notices his face turn to a grimace. He’s having another nightmare it seems. She gently lowers her head and touches her horn to his head.
“Forgive me,” she whispers as she casts her spell.
His grimace disappears as he goes back to his neutral look. She knows there’s a chance that Anon will remember that she helped him with his dream again. She didn't care. After getting the truth from Anon the other night, she can't help but feel her anger rise tenfold. To think the Elements would be so cruel to her friend! She feels as if a beheading is in order for such a travesty!
She quickly reels back from that. Her sister wouldn't allow that. Since they are the Elements, they will get a degree of leeway. She presses her face harder into Anons chest. She doesn't want her friend to suffer. She wants him to be happy, something she wishes for as well. She feels her tears build as she nuzzles him gently. Something settles on top of her mane.
“What did I tell you about helping me,” came a neutral tone.
Luna looks up to see Anon is looking at a wall behind her, his hand gently stroking her mane.
“That it is your problem to deal with,” she answers with sorrow.
“Don't cry,” he says as she continues to pet her. “You don't need to cry over some silly dream.”
Does he not remember what he told them last night?
“I cry not of the fictions, Anon. I cry from the truth.”
Well that catches Anon off guard. What does she mean by that?
“Well, regardless, I might have a few questions for you when I get dressed,” he answers.
“Why do you feel the need to clothe yourself?” Luna raises a brow. “Do you not feel better in the nude?”
Anon can feel his cheeks redden. Something rare for either princess to see.
“I-I thought I told you before why I wear clothes?” He questions.
Luna shakes her head. “I do not remember such conversations.”
“Just, help me get away from Celestia. I’ll tell you then.”
Anon slowly tries to shuffle his way out of Celestia’s hold, but all he gets in return is her tightening her grip.
“Going somewhere?” Anon hears Celestia coo into his ear.
“Yeah. I need to get out of this bed and dressed, now,” he says without a waver in his voice.
“Do you not wish to rest longer?” she asks.
“Nope. I want my clothes.”
She can feel his heart starting to race. Fearing that he is getting scared she lets him go quickly. He rises from the bed with the blanket wrapped around his body. He walks over to his clothes that are tossed around the room. This evidence is not helping him in proving that this is all just a big misunderstanding. If anything, it just proves that he definitely did something he is going to regret later. With his clothes in hand, he walks into the bathroom and closes the door.
“Did you find Anon to be far more reluctant to make contact with us?” Luna asks.
Celestia nods. “He did seem to shy away from us during his escape.”
“Perhaps we have missed a custom of his people?” Luna whispers to herself.
“There is a chance,” Celestia agrees, having heard her.
Anon leans his mouth under the faucet as he takes his fill of the water that comes. His head still hurts, but at least the water will help. He looks up to the mirror in thought. How is he going to approach something like this? Should he just come right out and ask? He shakes his head. There’s still a chance that this is a misunderstanding. At least, he hopes so. He has no idea what to do if it isn't.
Fully dressed and still feeling like trash, he walks back into the room where Celestia and Luna wait. Anon walks out of the bathroom fully clothed. Both princesses are lying on his bed still as they look at him.
“How drunk was I last night?” he asks.
“Barely coherent.” Luna answers.
He nods. “That explains a few things.” Anon shifts uneasily at his next question. “Why was I naked in bed?”
“We thought you would be more comfortable,” Celestia states.
Alright, time for the real question.
“Did we, you know..” Anon looks away in total embarrassment as he makes a hole with one hand and pokes his index finger into it.
Both sister’s faces light up as the gesture hits home. Does Anon think they rutted last night?! Celestia wasn't sure what to say as Luna slowly changes from shocked to something a little more sinister.
“Yes, Prince Anonymous,” Luna answers.
Both Anon and Celestia practically snap their necks as they look at Luna in shock.
“P-Prince?” Anon asks hesitantly.
Luna nods. “Verily! You have claimed both mine sisters and Our own flower. You shall rise to the ranks as a prince. As per tradition!”
Anon stumbled back against the wall. No, this isn't what he wants! This is complicated! He doesn't like complicated! Celestia quickly recovers. She knows what her sister is up to now.
“Do not listen to my sister, Anon.” Celestia shoots Luna a glare. “She knows not when the time for pranks is right.”
Luna gives a hesitant nod. “Forgive us, Anon. We could not help ourselves.”
Anon feels his heart rate slow as he hears this. To his surprise, he isn't angry. In fact, he feels what people would label as happy. Alright, so they didn't do it. Right? Probably best to be sure.
“So, we didn't do it?” Anon pushes past his embarrassment.
“Nay.” Luna answers.
“So why are you two in my bed and why was I naked again?” he asks.
“Do you not remember last night?” Celestia asks.
He shakes his head. “Not really.”
He notices her getting slightly nervous. He has a bad feeling about this. The fact that both of them are turning from his gaze just confirms that whatever happened last night would be regretful.
“Anon, please take a seat.” Celestia pats a spot on the bed.
Yeah, definitely going to regret what happened. He complies as he takes his seat on the bed between Celestia and Luna. They seem to shift uneasily as they try to find a way to start this conversation.
“I feel that being direct will be best,” Luna says with a sigh. “Anonymous, We have broken thine trust. When our sister came to us, she asked, nay, begged us to reveal to her what dreams you hath.”
Anon can slowly feel his anger rising. He didn't need a dictionary to understand what she is saying. Celestia came to her and asked about his dreams. Luna told her. On the outside, he didn't look any different than when he sat down. On the inside though he is about to snap if he didn't get reasons quickly. The only reason he allowed Luna to view his dreams was because she got worried so much when she didn't.
Now that she actually went and told her sister about them, he feels as if his privacy has been shattered. Those were his dreams in his mind. She has no right to tell anyone about them without his permission. Celestia can sense a spike in Anon’s heart rate. She needs to say something quickly.
“I worry about you.” She speaks softly. “So I asked my sister to tell me about these dreams. To try and understand, to find a way to help you.”
There’s that word again. Help. Every time he hears that word it makes him feel like he is broken. That people have to fix him. He isn't some toy that ran out of batteries. The way he lives his life is his choice!
“I never asked for your help,” Anon says in his calm demeanor. “I don't want your help.”
“That is not all,” Luna comes in. “We asked you in your inebriated state about the meaning. You told us without hesitation. We know what three elements did to you.”
Anon can feel his hands trembling as he continues to clench them tight. He is beyond rage right now. He can imagine what he wants to say to these princesses. To hurt them, not physically, but emotionally. Just as fast as his rage built, it all disappears. Again, it’s just one of those things out of his control. He lets out a shaky sigh. He needs to get out of here.
Anon rises from his seat as he walks towards the door to his room. He stops and faces the two princesses.
“I’m going out for a walk.” He gives a nod to one. “Princess Celestia.” Then a nod to the other. “Princess Luna.”
He quickly walks out the door without another word. Maybe some time in the garden will help him clear his mind. All he knows is that he needs to be alone right now. Little did he know that his parting words were enough to bring tears to the eyes of Celestia and Luna. Just by adding their titles, they know that they’ve crossed a line. It hurt them. It cut them deeper than any insult would have.
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:c
party pooper
The fuckin finger through the hole choked me to tears, keep up the good work
Good chapter. Exactly how I wanted it to go.
I hope that you will mend their relationship quickly.
Oh Luna, you so bold.
Were they drunk as well?
Celestia feels her heart melt a little at the sight.
to something a little more sinister
Luna, that was a poor choice for a prank, not only the time, but the content. Although maybe you should have a beheading. I vote for the marshmallow.
Last chapter I commented on how out of character Anon acted, but said it was okay because booze. I wholeheartedly agree with that statement, as we see his normal self now. Luna's prank was rather funny, a shame Anon wasn't really wanting to be their concubine.
I hope that they get a real punishment unlike other fics. I see HIE stories where the elements do horrible things to Humans and they get off scott-free or with a half-assed apology.
I studied law in college so I know the things they did would warrant criminal charges here in Canada.
Twilight: Kidnapping, Forcible Confinement, Torture
Rarity: Reckless endangerment, Attempted 2nd degree murder
Applejack: Unprovoked Assault
I don't want to see a cheap apology or community service like in other stories. I want to see a real punishment for their very criminal actions. Letting criminals off easy is both a perversion of justice and an insult to the victim.
... he called both of them "Princess". Holy shit, I did not expect a snap this hard, especially when the chapter title implied that he'd make a light heart out of the situation.
I seriously don't know what to say.
Let us guess what the other girls did to him
Rainbow Dash: Maybe pranked him or beat him up. If she pranked him, I would guess taking him for a unrequested joyride into the sky and scaring the crap out of him.
Pinkie: Too much hugging and maybe bad touch.
Fluttershy: Gets scared and her animals think she's in trouble so attack him.
Daaaaang, that was a fast update :D. I love it!!!!
Good job.
4759836 or, alt Fluttershy: Bear Mauling.
4759809
I don't know Canadian law very well, nor American law, but I'm pretty sure what Rarity did counts as gross negligence rather than attempted murder, at least here. Either way, I don't know if she'd get convicted of attempted murder in a court of her peers. Gross negligence would stick better.
EDIT: Negligent attempted murder maybe? Not too familiar with 2nd degree but if 1st is premeditated and 3rd is heat of the moment I doubt 2nd is negligent. I think intent matters in the "negligent/no negligent" question here.
Crap ..
I just had this knowing smile on my face when I saw that you uploaded the chapter.
4759895 It's second degree, which is murder that wasn't premeditated.
Rarity knew that there where Diamond Dogs on that mountain and yet she sent Anon there without any warning or means to defend himself. Canadian law defines murder as
Rarity knew it was dangerous yet she sent him anyway, that makes it murder in the second degree since it wasn't pre-meditated.
4759926
Oh, huh. The more you know!
I kinda actually like that better than negligent, at least for this situation. She sent him to a warren full of diamond dogs that ENSLAVED her at one point, without informing him, giving him ANYTHING useful for defense... Canadian law's pretty bro.
4759936 Our laws are pretty strict. Up here you need a special permit just to transport a firearm from your house to a gun range.
4759930
This Anon is definitely on the side of "make lemon grenades"
4759986 for sure
Had to do it.
Glorious.
I love Anon, he's so, Mmmhmm~
I expected something like this, maybe with a bit more comedy but I expected this nonetheless. As mentioned below I hope that the mane 6 get a proper punishment -especially since the princesses are on his side- and not the stuff other stories are pulling off.
Beheading Beheading Beheading, chant with me people. Beheading Beheading Beheading
4760025 Yeah, that was the first thing I thought when I saw the name of the chapter. Idk why.
4759873 Nope.
I think Twilight's gonna get a surprise visit in her dreams and in person soon...
You should probably add Luna to the character tags...
4759830
I sense some form of sarcasm... yet I cannot place it...
4759809
I have to agree with you there. It does tend to get really obnoxious with HiE's. I'm sorta glad that (as much as I hate how half-assed the name 'Anon' is) the human in this fic isn't making billions of friends and drowning in happiness. Instead he's just sorta normal and reserved.
As for the law aspect, it really depends on how this fic's universe handles legal issues. If it's a constitutional monarchy like Canada, then I can see Celestia doing a bit more than making them say "sorry." Whether the author decides jail time or not,that's his choice.
4760699 You can't place it because there isn't any to place. That comment was all genuine thoughts.
This story is really intressting i give 5 out of 5 stars
*wakes up to the same situation* ... Jesus... am I a player when I'm drunk?... Neat.
4760704 Jail time might not be the best method (in real life it tends to make things worse).
I just don't want to see the apology chapter where Anon and the main 6 hug it out and now they're best pals.
I just don't see there being any redemption for what they did (especially Rarity). Maybe he could be on neutral terms with them and they maintain a respectful distance from each other but they don't have to be friends.
I just don't believe in the philosophy that if you're a human in Equestria that you have to be friends with the main 6. I know I wouldn't want to hang out with them. I'd go with Blueblood, Vinyl Scratch, Soarin, Spitfire, Luna, a Batpony, Trixie, and Chrysalis.
I don't think I could even live in Ponyville (the name is just so stupid).
You made a slight mistake here
after you there are either only 5 elements or one of the elements didnt do anything to Anon...
anyway very nice chapter and i shall await the next one contently
When life gives you lemons...
Don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give you lemons! Then say:
"Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!"
i was kind of hoping a guard, maid, servant or even Blueblood to enter the room and see Anon in bed with both Princesses
just think of all the fun the rumor mill would have had with that 
4760911
We know the stories behind Twilight, Rarity and Applejack. Pinkie was added to the list in chapter three, after she knocked Anon out with a rock in chapter two. That only leave RD and Fluttershy.
4760946 That is the dumbest thing I've heard in a long time.
oh damn, cmon! celestia and luna are like your super best friends! dont shun them now! please!
4760850
That's true. Besides, can't really imprison characters like Twilight, lol. Although not entirely impossible to get away with.
Neutral grounds might work, yeah. I prefer that this human has few friends because then I don't need to focus on how he needs to be interacting with X character more than Y character. Easier to follow overall. We'll see where it goes. Hopefully it works out.
4761052 The cake is a lie.
4760732
... wow, I am having a terrible week at interpreting emotions...
*wakes up sandwiched by 2 alicorn goddesses*
goddamnit not again
>mfw Luna pranked Anon
replygif.net/i/633.gif
The truth is so clear. I can no longer deny it! I'm adding this to my faves!!! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!
4759809
i.imgur.com/KjHwPBV.png
Who says nothin' good comes out of a nice bit a green eh?
4762084 *Alondro wakes up between two princesses* What the-? Only two?! I'm losing my touch!