This is a remake of my original daughter of mine, but the original was way too rushed so I deleted it.
A man hasn't done his job correctly and isn't going good with it. He finds a girl on the streets and searches for her parents. Something unfortunate happens and now he takes care of her.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Nice story. I like it so far. I would like to read more chapters if you may.
4489883 I'm glad you like it, this story was rejected a few times before it was approved by fixing a few errors.
I am interested when's the next update? :)
I'm so excited! And I just can't hide it!! Gosh I love this story. Nice of Jake and Jennifer to take Rarity in :3. Good Job so far!
I LOVE THIS!
4490504 i'm about to lose control and I think I like it
I give it one thumb up, a finger and a meh
Your stories are always great and have a lot of potential, this will be great!
Some problems with this story: 1- It's VERY fast paced, slow it down. There is no reason to jump from event to event so quickly. Build the world and characters you are using, instead of just dumping them on us and expecting us to immediately care about them. Why don't you tell us why Jake keeps losing cases? You just outright state as if it's just some minor thing, then you go on and on about him losing his job. Some explanation about things like this would be nice. We barely know anything about Jennifer, where's her information? We skip over to Patricia so you could get her out of the way so Jake could get angry about losing his job. It would be more immersive to just let Jake have a normal day, with events and encounters happening naturally, instead of forcing them on us. The first chapter(s) of a story are used for world building and character setup, with barely anything actually happening. This gives the reader time to become immersed in that story. 2- There are moments where Rarity is talking as if she's much older than 6. It's when she is telling Jake about what she thinks about his attire. The other is when she screams about the mud. I know Rarity as a whole is all about fashion and elegance, but I don't think that a 6 year old humanized version of herself would care about that just yet. Those parts seemed really out of place to me. We know who Rarity is, there's no need to keep reinforcing it. 3- If I sound like an asshole about this, then fine. Please remove the comedy tag from this story. Comedy doesn't suit this story very well. Everytime I see it, I mentally facepalm. To be honest, you cannot write slapstick. It really serves no purpose in this kind of story. There are times for comedy, this isn't one of them. I would be just fine with this being a slice-of-life fic. This story has potential, I just don't want to see it go to waste.
4498282 well saying all of that does make you sound like a jerk, but I know you're helping me. How about flashback chapters? And I actually knew a few kids that freak out when mud gets on them so... yeah.
4498360 Well it's not so much that she's freaking out about mud, it's that she's freaking out about it ruining her shoes.
4498419 I see... I admit that's true... what do I do about it, just delete it?
4498610 Just change it to where she's sad about being dirty. She gets teary eyed about it because she's a kid and they generally overreact a little to everything. That should do it.
4499808 that sounds more like her, and if you know so much on character dialogue, why don't you have any stories?
4500138 I can only come up with ideas, I can't write stories.
4502229 ideas are what makes stories
4502244 I know, but as I said, I can't write them down. The difference between an idea and a story is like the difference between a fingerpainting and a well-done portrait. It's the details that matter, it's what gives a story life. A story can't be just a few paragraphs, there has to be more. There's a saying that I think that perfectly applies to this: "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach". In my case it's that I can't write a story, but I know how to write one. So all I can do is read and sometimes review a story, and I'm fine with that.
4502311 but you won't know if you CAN write a story, have you ever tried? I tried for the first time, bad reviews, but now this I'm here.
4502384 Believe me, I can't write a story at all. I'm fine with that. Everyone can't do everything, some people can write, some can't.
4502412 I suppose you have a point
4503207 Back to one of your previous comments, some prequel chapters would be nice. An important lesson to learn is that building your characters will greatly improve your audience's ability to get immersed in your story. There has never been a good story that I've read on here that's been criticized for having developed characters. Build the story's setting too, that's just as important. I know that you're going for a modern day Earth setting, but it's important to get any minor/major differences you may have with our world(Equestria too, if it ends up in this story somehow) out of the way early. If you would like to see some great humanized pony stories set on Earth for inspiration in writing this story, search through my favorites and read the stories Don't you (forget about me) and On her mind.
My headcanon: her parents 1. Died, or 2. Dont exist.
He takes her in.
After following her fashion advice (basicllywhat she tells hom to wear) he finally wins that case. And subsequent cased by listening to her.
Few cases later, Jack marries his girlfriend and they adopt little Rarity, with a baby on the way.
And they live happily ever after.
Of course this is my idea and it may completely differ from yours.
I am really liking this.
4526934 close, you just have to read future chapters to find out.
4527328 I know
...Can you fracture your nose?
4686278 fracture? ....oh, yeah I find that odd too. I meant to type brake his nose, but you get how brains don't seem to work over the summer.
Did Rarity suggest Apollo Justice's gear!?
It's cute, but please tell me nothing untoward will happen to Rarity in this fic.