A Taxing Situation
Carry the two, plus seven, plus five, plus eight, carry the two, plus two…
Derpy stared at the total box. Four hundred eighteen bits. Four hundred. A four with two zeroes after it, except that they were actually an eighteen.
Nothing had changed this year! How did she owe four hundred eighteen bits in taxes? She always got a small amount back, around thirty-five bits. No new dependents, no big change in salary, no investments, no nothing! Maybe the government had altered the tax laws. That had to be it.
Four hundred eighteen bits. A few beads of sweat ran down her forehead. She had it, but it would take an uncomfortably large—make that uncomfortably large—chunk out of her savings. Maybe no vacation this year, cut back on birthday presents. For her, not for Dinky. She wouldn’t dare penalize Dinky for her mistake, if in fact she’d made one.
Derpy checked her math again, but no avoiding it. Four hundred eighteen bits. She scrawled the numerals in the total box and signed the form. But… Next to the box, an asterisk. She’d never really paid attention before. No corresponding footnote.
Through each page, front and back she looked, until she reached the bottom of the last page. An endnote, then, with a tiny asterisk and fine print nopony over the age of twenty could possibly read. Derpy opened the kitchen drawer of odds and ends and found her magnifying glass. And word by word, the message only deepened the wrinkles on her forehead.
“In lieu of cash payment, citizens may apply to make a contribution to Equestrian society of equal or greater value. Those interested should make a petition in person to Princess Celestia for approval of a plan and grant of an extension period to implement it.”
Derpy had never even heard of such a thing. She couldn’t imagine anypony had taken advantage of it before, or it probably would have made the news. It quite piqued her interest, she had to admit. What could she do that would qualify? What around here could use improvement? Wait, it said Equestrian society—would a local improvement be enough?
She stared out the window. If she could find a way to save that money… A few snowflakes of a late-season flurry swirled outside and melted the instant they touched the glass.
Her eyes shot wide open. Yes, first thing in the morning. She could dash off to Canterlot, and with any luck, get back in time for her shift. After seeing Dinky off to school, of course.
Derpy sat at the foot of the slope leading up to Celestia’s throne, the princess gazing back down at her with an amused smile. “So, that’s it. I want to write a play,” Derpy said.
“Do you realize all that would entail, my little pony?” Celestia replied in a soft tone, but she shook her head. “I cannot authorize something that will be abandoned when it turns out to involve more work than you had expected. You might just save yourself the trouble now. Take the law as stated: a contribution to Equestrian society of equal or greater value. One of my better ideas, I think.”
Derpy gulped and tried to square her shoulders. “My daughter, Dinky, has performed in several school plays, and I always help out with them. I think I’m prepared for what it takes.”
Celestia chuckled while Derpy scuffed a hoof at the carpet. “I appreciate your ambition, but you will find that what you request will require far more effort than a school play. This is not meant as an opportunity for you to avoid your tax debt, but an opportunity for Equestria to obtain something it would want anyway, without the cost of bureaucracy to originate it.”
“H-has anypony ever taken advantage of it?”
“No,” Celestia answered with a small frown. “Only two have even made such a petition, and I denied both, I am sorry to say. I had hoped this law would drive some innovation from the few attentive enough to notice it, but alas…”
“I think Your Highness can see the need,” Derpy said. She swallowed against the sudden dryness in her throat. “And as to my commitment, I love history. Anypony who knows me well will tell Your Highness that. Which I guess is only two or three ponies,” she added, dropping her gaze to the floor.
“Equestrian society. Not your personal enjoyment. To have you write something, brilliant though it may be, only to have it end up stuffed into a drawer somewhere when you’ve finished—I think you can see the problem.” Leaning forward, Celestia stared pointedly at her; Derpy could feel it, like a specimen under a microscope. “I’m afraid I must insist that you not only write the play, but produce it as well. What benefit do we get from a play that nopony sees, after all?”
Not just writing, but… putting it on? And on a budget, too, or she’d end up spending more than she saved. That sounded like an interesting challenge. A grin crept across her face. “Yes, Your Highness.”
“Plan approved. You have one year from this date, though given your subject matter, I believe you will endeavor to take somewhat less time than that.” The princess grinned and settled back into the throne’s cushion. “And good luck. You are exactly the type of enthusiastic pony for whom I wrote this law. But I must warn you: even a seasoned veteran would have difficulty with producing a play for four hundred eighteen bits. Do not underestimate the task ahead of you.”
“Thank you, Your Highness.” Derpy glanced at the clock. Thirty-six minutes until her shift—plenty of time to get back.
Yet again, Derpy sat in Ponyville’s library, poring over a book, the same way she’d spent all her lunch breaks for the past four months. Her mind had immediately snapped to a historical play, and she’d never deviated from that track. Such an exciting subject, if only ponies could get beyond seeing it as some dry thing read from a textbook. The first couple of months were devoted to reference books about the events, and the last month to the historical figures themselves.
“Here you go, Derpy,” Twilight Sparkle said as she added two more books to the stack. “Biographies of the last two characters. That should do you.”
“Thanks so much! You’ve saved me an awful lot of time.” Smiling, Derpy reached for her mug. “And thanks for the coffee, too.”
“No problem. I’m curious”—Twilight took the seat next to her—“what prompted all this. I’ve never seen somepony devour history like you have, though I certainly agree it’s a subject worthy of study.”
“I adore history!” Derpy spouted. “I would have become a history teacher, except my cousin got me a job with the Postal Service years ago, and, well, I like that a lot, too!”
Twilight stifled a laugh with her hoof. “Civil service—I can obviously appreciate that. But why the sudden interest?”
“Oh, I’m writing a play!” She graced Twilight with a toothy grin.
Twilight cocked her head. “A… play?”
“Yes, it seems all the historical ones are so dull and stuffy,” Derpy said as she scrunched up her face. “More about the facts and figures than the ponies, more the dates than the feelings. I want to fix that. Plus it’ll settle my tax bill.”
“Tax bill…?”
“Yeah. Read the form sometime. I mean, it’s a library. You’ve got to have a stack of them around, right?” Twilight nodded and jutted her chin toward a counter on the far wall. “So, down at the bottom—” She rolled her eyes up at the clock. “Oh! Gotta get back to work! Can you hold these for me?” she asked, patting the pile of books. She didn’t even wait for an answer. Just three minutes left in her lunch break!
Derpy flipped through the final mouthwritten product. Drafts, revisions, crumpled pages, second-guessing… And all in the evenings, when she had some quiet time.
Night after night, through the summer heat, weighing down the corners of the page with rocks so the fan wouldn’t keep flipping the page up and in her way. And now, with a cool nip sneaking into the early autumn air, she had a script. She hoped.
First order of business, then: make sure the writing was up to par. Twilight had helped critique a few individual scenes and was responsible for more than a few of those crumpled pages. But Derpy certainly appreciated somepony honest enough to tell her when something didn’t work instead of smiling and washing her hooves of it. If it wasn’t good enough, it’d never satisfy the princess, so no use getting anything short of frank criticism.
And so she strode into the library and plopped the completed script onto Twilight’s writing desk.
Twilight grinned up at her and clapped her hooves together. “Ooh, all done? I can’t wait to see what you came up with! But first…”
She got up and went to the kitchen, then returned with a platter of coffee and muffins. Just like the ones that had started appearing beside Derpy about the third week of her research phase. Derpy shook her head and smiled. Only a few friends knew of her interest in history, she’d told Celestia. It seemed she could count another among them now.
A tasty muffin as usual, but she couldn’t quite enjoy it. She couldn’t devote the attention to its flavor as she watched… Twilight read, tracing her hoof line by line down the pages. She’d pause, go back over passages, close her eyes to think occasionally, and Derpy’s nerves jittered the entire time until Twilight snapped the cover shut and nodded.
“Very good. I like how historically accurate you’ve made it; the ones out there now are boring and take quite a few liberties with the facts, but you’ve made this exciting and informative.” Derpy sank into her chair and chewed a fresh bite of muffin. So, so good! “I can mark it up for flow and do a bit of editing, but I think it’s pretty much fine right now. Is that it then? I don’t suppose I’ll ever see it.”
“Oh yes! Princess Celestia insisted!”
“Really…” Twilight raised an eyebrow and rubbed her chin. “I’ll have to ask her about it. This whole thing has me intrigued. Anyway, let me know when I can get tickets. I’d love to attend!”
“I’ll save you a good seat!” Derpy said, flinging her forelegs around Twilight’s neck, then raced out the door.
Script: check. Today’s task: scenery.
Derpy fluttered off to Sweet Apple Acres at top speed. A lot closer than Canterlot, but she had much more to discuss on this trip. She guessed she’d heard from Applejack before that they took breaks from farm work whenever a good stopping place popped up. So no telling whether she’d be interrupting somepony’s tilling or harvesting or whatever, but no helping that.
Thankfully, she found Big McIntosh leaning against the shady side of the barn with a glass of apple juice. His gaze followed her as she swooped in from over the forest.
“Hiya, Derpy! Early for the mail, ain’t it? And you don’t even have… a mailbag…” One eyebrow wandered up toward his forelock.
“I know—I’m on lunch break, and I don’t have long, so please just listen!” she gushed. His other eyebrow joined its elevated partner. “Can I get you to build some play scenery for me? I can’t afford much, but I sketched out a few designs.”
She pulled out a notepad from her saddlebag and flipped through a few colored diagrams, complete with dimensions and even a few materials marked. He took it from her and examined each as she looked on. Finally, he nodded. “Eeyup. Lumber, paint, nails, wire… not much else. I think I can handle it.”
Derpy nodded. This was her problem. No fair expecting him to bear any of the expense. “How… how much? And how long?”
“Hm. Tough to say till I get started.” He pressed his tongue against his cheek and glanced at the sky. “Lumber alone’ll run hundred, hundred twenty. Plus labor. Maybe two hundred.”
Half. Almost half already. She fought off a wince. She’d get to see her play performed. That had to be worth something, too. And Big Mac had kindly offered to help. “Thank you, Big Mac,” she said, giving him a light hug. “I have to go, though. Lunch break’s almost over.”
Derpy closed the notepad and set it down beside his juice bottle. “Is two months enough time?”
“Eeyup. Plenty.”
Good. At least she could stay on schedule. She could see it all starting to come together. It’d happen. It’d really happen. With a smile, she soared off to work.
Today, Derpy would cross costumes off the list. And who better to make them than Rarity?
Not that she knew Rarity by anything more than reputation, but she still made the obvious choice. Derpy knocked on the door of Carousel Boutique and waited outside, despite the “Open” sign in the window, then finally poked her head in.
“Come in, come in, dear!” Rarity said, looking up from her sewing. “What can I help you with?”
“Well… I need some period costumes made,” Derpy replied. “Maybe a lot of them. Seven main ones at least, and then a bunch of extras, though I might get away with patching something together for those. Here—” Derpy pulled out a few of the biographies Twilight had lent her.
For a moment, Rarity studied the portraits, then nodded. “Yes, I can certainly make that happen. What sort of budget did you have in mind?”
“Uh… um… As little as possible, I guess. I can’t afford much.” Derpy sank to her haunches and forced a smile.
“Hm. What are these for? That might make a difference.” And once again, Derpy went through the story of her play. Quickly, though. She had less than half her lunch break left.
“For one,” Rarity said with a prim nod, “I refuse to skimp on quality. But they’ll only be worn for an hour or so during the performance, so they wouldn’t have to be as comfortable as everyday clothes. I can—” she winced at the phrase “—cut some corners in that regard.”
“Oh, would you?” Derpy held a hoof to her mouth, but she shrank back from the flash in Rarity’s eyes.
“Yes, but I absolutely must make them stylish.” Rarity flicked her mane and turned her nose up. “I mean, look at all these—ugh!—horrible ruffled collars and pantaloons. I’ll just touch them up a bit, and they’ll look positively fabulous! The audience will love them.”
“But…” Derpy shook her head, and one eye drifted down. “It’s history! It happened that way. You can’t just change it.”
“Why not? It’s not like anypony would know.”
Derpy coughed at the stream of words tangled up in her throat. “I would!”
Rarity just watched her for the longest time. “Oh, alright,” she finally said. “I’ll see what I can do. But I will not simply copy the design from an old, dusty book. They wouldn’t have worn everyday clothes for a portrait anyway, so that wouldn’t be any better.”
She had a point. “Okay. But please, please, please make them authentic.” What did Derpy know about fashion? She couldn’t exactly make a grounded argument here. Just another thing slipping through her hooves.
“I will try,” Rarity said with a prim smile. “I can’t quote you a price until I know what materials I’ll use, but I think one hundred fifty bits is a good figure. I’ll promise to stay below that.”
Derpy flinched. Those expenses were adding up rather quickly. But she had the two most expensive items handled, and still some wiggle room left. Maybe. “Thank you, Rarity!” she said, hurrying for the door. Almost time for work. “I’ll check back later.”
Derpy sat at her kitchen table on a Saturday afternoon. No school, so no project time, not until Dinky went to bed. But while Dinky ate lunch, Derpy could read over the letter she’d gotten and attend to another that needed writing.
“How’s your thing going, Mommy?” Dinky said through a mouthful of sandwich.
“Pretty good, muffin. Just ironing out the last few details.” She reached over to tousle Dinky’s mane, then returned her attention to her letter.
Cherry Fizzy had confirmed her reservation to rent out the local auditorium. Very formal, very businesslike. He didn’t know her from the next pony or why she needed the place, so it didn’t exactly surprise her, but it did put a bit of a damper on her enthusiasm. And the price… Way over budget now, and she still had to hire actors, pay for advertising, print programs. But what choice did she have?
Yes, she knew all the arguments about throwing good money after bad. Best to cut her losses now and avoid having it cost even more. She knew next to nothing about managing money, and she could only hope that everything would work out on its own there—the one thing she already knew she’d have to leave to fate. Well, more because… because she didn’t have the wherewithal to drive a hard bargain, argue, whatever. But it was no longer a question over whether it would happen—she’d get to see her creation. On stage!
And with that fire still in her heart, she took her pencil and scratched out her required monthly progress report to Princess Celestia. Script, scenery, costumes, venue, all check. On schedule, but over budget. The total so far ran to—she grimaced—five hundred thirty-four bits. She jotted the figure down, signed the letter, and tucked it in her saddlebag for Monday morning.
So, no birthday for her this year. But that was okay. The thrill of making all this happen outweighed any token she might get, except of course for whatever adorable little craft Dinky would make in school. If she could charge admission, she could probably earn back her expenses, but it didn’t seem right to make money off of a tax substitute intended to serve the public good. She gritted her teeth and wrote out a check for the auditorium.
“Time to let Princess Celestia know I’m sticking with it,” she said, tapping Dinky on the nose. “I need a producer, though—somepony who oversees everything. Somepony who can tell me when any little detail goes wrong. You know anypony who could do that?” Derpy added a wink.
“Me me me me me!” Dinky said, raising her hoof and waggling it.
“Good! We start casting next week.”
The library seemed like a logical place to post some flyers asking for ponies to act in her play. Maybe around the market square as well. She had to swing by the library to return the last batch of books, anyway.
She tugged the stack out of her saddlebag, plopped it down on the counter, and slid out one of the sheets. “Mind if I hang this in here, Twilight?”
“Um… is this about your play?” Twilight asked. She craned her neck to see the front of the page.
“Yes,” Derpy declared. “Almost ready to start rehearsals, but I still need actors.”
“Oh…” Twilight’s face brightened, and she stood up straighter. “That’s what it meant. Don’t worry about it. You already have a cast. My friends and I would love to help you out!”
Derpy squinted back. “That’s what what meant?”
“N-nothing. Hey, when do you need us?” Twilight tugged the flyer from her and scanned it over. “Next weekend, huh? We’ll be there!”
“Ooookay…” Derpy would have pursued the matter, but the prospect of getting through that overly broad smile didn’t hold any appeal. “Thanks, then. Um, yeah. Next weekend.”
Just a few days until rehearsals started! Not a dress rehearsal, so Derpy didn’t need everything yet, but she thought she should check on everypony’s progress. She glided over Sweet Apple Acres, but didn’t see Big Mac anywhere. Maybe he’d gone into town to help Applejack at the market. She’d banked around to leave when she heard the clatter of boards from inside the barn.
The door stood ajar, so after touching down, she poked her head in. “Hello?”
She gasped. Big Mac stood in front of several large backdrops and some smaller props. All beautifully crafted, and about half of them painted. Apple Bloom glanced out from behind a wooden cloud with a paintbrush in her mouth and a generous splatter of blue across her coat.
A big smile on his face, Big Mac walked over to her. “What do you think?” he said. “Got the last of the materials in last week, so we started working over the weekend.”
“It’s wonderful!” Derpy came the rest of the way in and gazed up at the scenery, exactly as she’d imagined it. “And thank you too, Apple Bloom!”
“Shucks, no problem, ma’am! I even had fun!” Apple Bloom flashed an immense grin before dipping her brush into her can of paint again.
“So—” Derpy rubbed a hoof at the back of her neck “—what… what’s the final tally?” she said, barely above a whisper.
He raised his eyebrows. “Huh?”
She heaved a sigh. “How much?”
“Oh. Uh… about that…”
Derpy gritted her teeth. Here it came. He couldn’t work within the budget, but she didn’t notice any missing pieces, so he’d spent more than he thought he would.
“Look, I had some scrap wood lyin’ around anyway, and woodworkin’s my hobby, so I can’t rightly charge you labor.” Big Mac gave a half-grin back toward Apple Bloom. “It went quicker with her help, too. So just my new material cost. Seventy bits.”
“Seventy?” Derpy’s voice trembled. “So little?”
“Eeyup,” Big Mac said with a nod. “That was the deal—um, that’s all it came to.”
Derpy squinted at him. “What deal?”
“Nothin’. Just misspoke.” No way that grin was authentic, but she knew from experience how well he could clam up if he didn’t want to talk.
One little try, though. “What deal?” Big Mac only shrugged. “Well… thank you, Big Mac!”
His eyes shot wide open as she flung her hooves around his neck and kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
One day left until rehearsals. Same as the scenery—Derpy wouldn’t need the costumes just yet, but she ought to make sure everything had stayed on schedule. So as long as she had to pass by Carousel Boutique on her way home from work, she popped in, and—
On the dress forms in the back of the room! Derpy gasped. Not exactly like the ones in the portraits, but unmistakably in the same style. Still, such vibrant color! The black-and-white illustrations had given everything a drab look, if at least stately, but these had such a vitality to them. If these couldn’t help bring history alive, then Derpy certainly hadn’t done her job in writing it.
“Rarity?” she called, and the shop’s proprietor stepped out from the kitchen, rubbing a dishtowel over her hooves.
“Oh! Hello, dear! I was just enjoying a bit of an early dinner. I have to help Sweetie Belle with one of her school projects later, so I thought—” She followed Derpy’s gaze toward the newly finished dresses. “Like them?” she said, a grin spreading across her face.
Derpy nodded back, but she couldn’t take her eyes off the clothing. “They’re perfect! I’m so glad you stayed true to the period.”
“Well,” Rarity replied, pursing her lips, “I was under orders.”
“But you didn’t seem to agree last time…” Derpy squinted and scratched her head.
“No, not your—” Quickly, Rarity held a hoof to her lips. “Yes, of course, dear. The customer is always right, and I came around to your way of thinking. They turned out rather nice, if I do say so myself.”
Derpy’s eyes only narrowed more. She couldn’t shake the sense that ponies were hiding something from her lately. “Yes, beautiful… Um, how much do I owe you?” Derpy dug around in her saddlebag for her checkbook.
Rarity’s eyes sparkled. “Tell you what—I shall donate my time and whatever cloth remnants I was able to use.” She rolled her eyes up and ticked off a few numbers in her head. “Eighty bits should cover it. Will that do?”
Derpy breathed a sharp sigh. Not nearly as much as she feared it might run. “Thank you,” she said as she hugged Rarity. And she couldn’t keep from sniffling.
“Of course, darling! Whatever is wrong?” Rarity pulled back and frowned.
“Nothing,” Derpy said, wiping at her nose. “Nothing. Everypony’s just being so helpful and kind about this. I didn’t expect it.”
Rarity returned the hug and patted her on the back. “You’ll always find a friend in Ponyville, dear.”
“Please, let me pay you something,” Derpy said.
Twilight shook her head and returned a tight-lipped smile. “Nope. We all knowingly volunteered for the roles, so we can’t rightly get paid for it.” Derpy would have groaned out loud, had she been alone. These sweet gestures had started just after Celestia had gotten the last progress report and budget estimate. She appreciated it—it even made her tear up a bit when she thought about it—but it still didn’t seem quite right. And on top of all that, Thunderlane had conveniently offered to wrangle a few snow clouds and bring ice to the performance.
“Big Mac delivered the sets this morning, and Rarity brought the costumes with her. Whenever you’re ready…” Twilight swept a hoof over the assembled cast.
Derpy held her breath for a moment and waited for the punchline. But Twilight only cocked her head and gestured toward the stage. Derpy let her shoulders sag.
“Where’s my producer?” she called, and Dinky slipped out from behind her. Derpy took the scripts from her daughter’s saddlebag. “Okay, I have a copy for everypony. Are you all ready for a read-through?”
All of them—Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Spike—nodded. And then, not half an hour later…
“Do I have to wear this?” Dash said. “It’s all stuffy and… itchy.” She wedged a hoof under the collar and dug at the back of her neck.
“There’s nothing wrong with your costume!” Rarity barked. “And my character—what’s her motivation? She sounds whiny and self-centered, and I just can’t understand her mindset. Maybe she should—Rainbow Dash, you will stretch that fabric if you don’t stop yanking on it!”
Fluttershy jumped at the shouting and tried to cower against the backdrop, but her quivering knocked it over. And Pinkie had missed all her cues because she kept sneaking away to eat up the catering spread Derpy had ordered. It was already gone. Only thirty minutes, and all gone. The producer didn’t seem to mind, her attention riveted on her coloring book.
All coming apart, like… like the wooden sun there, jostled out of place as Fluttershy retreated to the catwalk and bumped it. It hit the floor with a snap, and pointy yellow rays scattered across the stage. Derpy stared at the pieces.
Four hundred eighteen bits. Out even more than that now, and nothing to show for it. She’d spent it all and then some, and for what?
She sank to the floor and only then noticed that everypony had gone silent. A few watching the broken sun, a few others gazing back at her, all with their mouths agape. Her body jerked as she held the first sob in, but the next broke free.
Derpy ran backstage. She didn’t hear hoofsteps after her, but she didn’t wait to see—the first door, locked, the second as well. She fumbled with the third but couldn’t get a grip on the knob, then the fourth, standing ajar. Derpy shouldered through it and slammed it behind her.
Pitch black. She stumbled through the dark, banged into wood, cloth, metal, tripped over something, fell heavily onto her side. And she stayed there, on the concrete floor, amid the dust. In the faint glow from the crack under the door, she could make out some of the shapes around her: buildings, chairs, tables, trees, all dirty and chipped and dented. All broken and long past their usefulness, unceremoniously tossed in here. She fit right in.
Seven months! Seven months of her time, a net loss of a couple hundred bits of her own money, and if this didn’t work, she’d still have to pay the tax bill! She furiously wiped the tears off her cheeks, but no use—more just took their place.
History she could handle, and Twilight wouldn’t have asked her to change it anyway. And the scenery was too generic to care about. She couldn’t argue fashion with Rarity, though, and now… managing out-of-control finances? Keeping her actors in line? Serving as a leader? She was… lost. Numb. Unable to do the first thing to keep it all from crumbling. Too much. Too… too much.
Derpy sniffled, coughed on the dust and huddled in her little fake town. No, hers hadn’t been dragged off the stage yet. Somepony else’s discarded vision.
A squeak of hinges sounded, and a spear of light stabbed into the darkness. “Derpy?” somepony asked.
“Is Mommy okay?” she heard Dinky say out in the hallway, then a gentle whisper and hoofsteps entering the room.
“I’m sorry,” Twilight said. “Please, come back out. It’s not as bad as it looks.”
Derpy wiped her nose and eyes again, but only succeeded in leaving dust streaks across her face.
“Really. We’re sorry.” Twilight knelt down next to her. “I might be the one who knows best how much effort you’ve put into all this. All those hours you spent at the library, all those muffins.” A little snort of laughter sounded through Derpy’s crying.
Twilight ran a hoof down Derpy’s mane. “Big McIntosh can fix the backdrop. Don’t worry about that.”
A deep frown immediately returning, Derpy lifted her head up. “But what about—?”
Twilight held up a hoof. “Rainbow Dash promised to stop complaining about her costume, and I advised Rarity of the need to maintain historical accuracy without ad-libbing.”
“A-and the food?”
“Well…” Twilight pursed her lips. “It’s gone, but that’s okay. None of us expected it, so we all brought our own lunches anyway. Except Pinkie, but if she eats any more, she’ll pop.”
“Fl-Fluttershy?” Derpy sat up.
“That will take care of itself. If everypony gets along, she’ll do fine. And everypony else will get along,” Twilight added with her jaw set. “That’s not just me talking. Applejack won’t put up with this kind of nonsense, either.”
For a few long minutes, nopony spoke. Derpy could have sat there forever. Nothing would get any better, but it couldn’t get worse.
“Please,” Twilight finally said, “come back out. We want to make this work. I know what this means to you, and I don’t think you realize how many ponies are in your corner.”
Yes, all the convenient help everypony had given her lately. But why? She had her suspicions, but she wouldn’t say it. No need to spread rumors. Besides, Twilight already seemed to know. Maybe she’d even arranged it.
Derpy sniffled again, then nodded. She couldn’t give up so easily, but with such a fine line between failure and success…
“I just wanted it to work!” Derpy whimpered, her tears starting up again.
“I know,” Twilight answered. She hugged Derpy and patted her back. “I know. We all do. And it will work. C’mon.”
Derpy took a deep breath. She had to try. She nodded, put on her best smile, and trudged back out to the hallway.
“Mommy?” Dinky looked up from where she leaned against the wall. Derpy tousled her mane and hoped she didn’t see the red in her eyes.
“C’mon,” she said. “I need my producer.”
Opening night. Derpy milled about backstage, behind the curtain, by herself. Nopony would even see her. She shouldn’t be any more nervous than the actors, but she practically bounced on her hooves, and her ears buzzed with all of the mixed conversations from the audience.
Dinky. Dinky always seemed to calm her down. She poked her head through the curtain and waved vigorously while trying to spot Dinky’s face in the crowd. But before she could even figure out where the complimentary seats might be, she felt a jab at her ribs.
Derpy jerked her head back through the gap. A sick actor? A problem with the lights? What now?
“Ma’am, you have no business here. Please don’t disrupt the performance,” Cherry Fizzy said. “We have to keep this looking professional.”
He had no idea who she was, did he? They’d only corresponded by mail. Yes, sir, just another stagehoof, nopony special here. She put out the little flame as quickly as it had started. It just didn’t matter. So she plodded away, where she couldn’t cause any harm.
Soon, the lights dimmed, and Derpy circled around to stage right to watch the show. The detailed scenery, the lovely outfits, the chill air and ice. Princess Platinum, Clover the Clever, Commander Hurricane, Private Pansy, Chancellor Puddinghead, Smart Cookie… even the narrator. Spike went a bit off script, but the audience loved it anyway.
They did love it! They had fun watching real unadorned historical events brought to life and made exciting! She nearly vibrated.
All the actors went to their dressing room, and she could hear them gushing, even at this distance. The audience cheered and chatted, going on about this and that, things they hadn’t realized or had learned wrong so long ago as foals. All perfect. And Derpy stood alone, out of the way, where nopony noticed her. Which was also fine. She didn’t need the limelight—only that a couple of ponies knew. Her friends.
Derpy poked her head around the edge of the curtain. She didn’t see Princess Celestia anywhere. Not during the show, either.
She slumped her shoulders, but she soon broke into a grin as she saw Dinky coming up the aisle toward the stage.
The next morning, Derpy got to sleep in. It was Hearth’s Warming Day, after all. But somepony had come knocking at her door. At least the visitor had waited until after nine o’clock to come calling.
Derpy rolled out of bed and answered the door, a huge piece of skewed mane jutting off the side of her head. “Hello?”
She cocked her head at the visitor: a unicorn, just barely taller than her. But… it hurt Derpy’s head to look at her, like her brain was screaming at her that her vision told filthy lies. She winced, blinked, and watched the visitor’s hooves.
“Derpy, I just wanted to say how much your play impressed me. I enjoyed it very much. Thank you for writing it.” Derpy could hear the smile in her voice, even if she couldn’t bring herself to endure looking at it.
“You—you saw it?”
“Yes, I was in the audience. Just another face in the crowd. I’m not surprised you didn’t notice me.”
Derpy scratched her head. “H-how did you know I wrote it?”
“Rumors,” the visitor stated flatly. “Though you hid the fact well. No mention of you in the program, no bow after the show, no name up on the marquee.”
“I didn’t think it was important.” Derpy shrugged. A little recognition—just a little—was nice, but right now, she only wanted to crawl back into bed.
The visitor chuckled. “Yet another reason to admire you. Very few ponies will ever know what you did.”
“The ones who do are the ones who matter to me. I made some new friends who did a lot of kind things for me, and it was supposed to be a ‘contribution to Equestrian society’ anyway. So I got more than I counted on. Nothing wrong with that.” Derpy wiped the fog from her eyes. If this dragged on any longer, she’d wake up too much to go back to sleep.
“Good for you.” Once again, an unseen smile radiated through the words. “Just out of curiosity, how much did it end up costing you?”
“A little over seven hundred fifty bits.”
“Hm.” The visitor’s hoof scraped across the porch’s wooden planks. “Was it worth it?”
Derpy broke into a huge grin. “Absolutely!”
“I see.” The visitor turned to leave, and Derpy risked another glance at her—beneath the edge of her shawl, wingtips… “You should apply for a royal grant to fund further production. I have no doubt that those in power would endorse it as the official Hearth’s Warming story for future pageants across Equestria.”
Derpy gasped, but the visitor’s horn started glowing, and she suddenly felt… drowsy.
“Get some more sleep, Derpy. You’ve earned it.”
Yes… sleep. Where did the visitor go? Not in the road. Empty street, empty sky. More sleep. “Thank you, Princess,” she mumbled on her way back to a soft mattress and a warm blanket.
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I...I find myself sort of torn. I really like this story and it was very sweet but there were still bits that bothered me slightly. Derpy comes across as being very stubborn and maybe a bit proud yet when suddenly everyone helps her for nothing she chases it for a few seconds and then suddenly seems to forget. It's a small thing but just kinda chewed at my brain a bit.
Either way this was really cool and Dinky was adorable as always.
4632274
Derpy is very stubborn about things she's knowledgeable about. So she'd flatly refuse to change anything in the play itself, but Twilight's of a mind with her on that one, and so wouldn't ask her to. The scenery's pretty generic, so she doesn't have a preference there. She does resist Rarity some because she's in a conflict between something she knows a lot about (historical accuracy of the costumes) versus something she doesn't (fashion sense), so she grudgingly leaves it in Rarity's hooves without demanding her way explicitly. Where she gets easily flustered is when things go wrong that she's not confident in her abilities about, like being a leader (this is why the rehearsal gave her a breakdown) and managing money (this is why she's pretty passive on that front and is more or less resigned to letting it happen as it will). If you think that needs to come out more explicitly in her narration, then I can take a stab at it.
Edit: I've added a little material to cover this.
The whole time, I was thinking, "So, when does she realize she got her maths wrong?" And then at the ending, I thought Celestia was going to say, "By the way, I went over your maths. The government owes YOU four hundred eighteen bits."
But yeah, this was pretty neat.
This was awesome in the writeoff and I'm glad to see it on the site!
Taxes!? IN EQUSTRIA!? My perfect world is ruined....
4767076
Well the funds for rebuilding and reconstruction after rampaging gods and megafauna has to come from somewhere...
This story was truly awesome! I don't care how unlikely it is; this Derpy-as-the-playwright scenario is my new headcanon for the Hearths Warming Eve episode! So congratulations for that, too!
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
The' double u' on my keyboard just broke...
4767076 two things are serten in this world: death and tax
Man, I remember reading this story during or perhaps after the write-off. I completely forgot I never read it here.
4768896 it's spelled certain, and there is a third thing. Failure. Everyone fails at something.
Still my favorite of the bunch for that writeoff. This just has so many elements that I like, even though it uses a character I don't particularly enjoy. Good job, as always, Pasc.
That ending really brushes me wrong. Way to sucker the desperate for several times more worth of their time and money. Derpy's initial estimate - the script alone - was roughly worth what she owed. Then Celestia suckered her into good four times that much worth of contributions.
And so, next year Derpy might want to avoid being another 418 bits short - and she'll know better than try to "contribute to the society", nearly doubling the cost in cash plus probably a good triple that amount in her work time. Let Ponyville find a different sucker for a mailpony, with Derpy taking up on that grant offer and then performing some creative Hollywood Accounting. Learning from the head of the state.
To quote Bill and Ted: Excellent!
*guitar solo*
This is goin' in the favorites.
Seeing Celestia quietly supporting Derpy behind the scenes, even after their initial meeting, was great.
4633911 I loved this... but I am confused by something...
After your comment, the comments jump three weeks, and I only saw it on the feature list today... Is Masked a time traveler?
4770747
Masked read it while it was still unpublished. Though it's quite possible she's a time traveler and just did that two weeks from now.
Loved it. A great story of best pony being best pony, with the support of Ponyville and princess alike. Thank you for it.
Now I wonder how bad her tax bill was the following year, after she destroyed Town Hall...
Really charming story, and I didn't piece together the show connection until the last moment. Nicely done!
I had a feeling that I knew what she was writing about, but it was still charming. Finding it a little hard to believe what would happen to her on opening night would happen to her, but overall, this story's still very good. Good characterization within the fanon. Nice premise. Grammar's up to snuff. Nine out of ten.
Aww. I like it, very realistic within the bounds of the show.
My only concern is what would happen if humans implemented the "labor instead of cash" tax system... nations would collapse overnight.
Loved it. This was a very unique Derpy fic, I have to say. The idea that she was the playwright behind the Hearth's Warming Eve pageant gave me a warm fuzzy.
Nicely done.
I really hate to say this, because I do like this story, but pretty much the whole time I was thinking 'Why doesn't she just do odd-jobs, or even get a temporary second job? Surely that would have required significantly less effort than attempting to put a halfway decent play together, from scratch mind you, and then trying to run it all on a shoestring budget!'
Don't get me wrong, this was a fun story and I still really like it, but something about the whole scenario just bothers me.
Seems that provision in the tax code is a bit of a catch-22 in this instance, but she still succeeded in bringing something wonderful to the world.
4774008
You could ask the same kind of "Wouldn't it be more logical for X?" question of a number of canon episodes, so I don't consider it fair to judge this story by that standard when a number of canon episodes don't live up to it themselves.
4774008
I would presume its because writing the play is something she *wanted* to do. It was made clear that she could have paid the taxes either way, and just spent less on herself for the rest of the year... And if she didn't want to spend less on herself, she could always pick up odd jobs whenever to earn more money.
So she essentially was given the opportunity to design her own odd job creating something for the nation. She clearly got more out of doing it than she would working a fast-food shift.
I don't think you've got the math quite right. Derpy owes 418 bits, and because of that, Celestia gives her a grant of 418? In other words, she'd actually be better off if she owed a million bits.
I think what you meant to say is that the play has to generate a profit of 418, and Derpy's budget is something like 40 bits. Or, you could keep 418 and bump up Derpy's debt to 4,000
4777877
Celestia didn't give her any money at all. She just forgave the tax debt, and it's up to Derpy to manage her budget so that she spends less than that and comes out ahead.
One down! This was really cute. I don't know how I didn't realize sooner that it was the Hearth's Warming pageant. Feel kinda dumb now
4778207
Not at all! It's entirely intended that the reader not figure out what play she wrote until opening night.
Cute idea, having Derpy be the playwright for Hearth's Warming, but the tax bit to get there... it's either designed by an idiot or a thief. Not only is there reason to believe she's getting screwed from the initial number, but the fact the she spent almost double is a little absurd. Yes, you have Celestia pretty much saying she'll pay her for all the work, but it's still a ludicrous amount of time and money to spend to pay off a probably false tax bill. I know it's all a plan to get ponies to be more civic minded and foster hidden talent, but the way it was done is just messed up.
4796264
Maybe so, but ludicrous is in the eye of the beholder. It was Derpy's choice to go through with it, and Celestia gave her fair warning that she was unlikely to stay within budget. And Derpy herself said it was worth it. Plus, Celestia made her provide progress reports and visited her somewhat anonymously afterward, specifically for the purpose of evaluating how the project is going and how the subject feels about it. If she felt like things were getting out of control, she would have put a stop to it. I don't know where you're getting the part about the tax bill probably being false. Celestia would have checked before approving it. This is the first time she's ever allowed, after all. She'd turned down the two previous applicants, either because they hadn't offered anything of enough value or (more probably) had proposed to take on something far too ambitious.
Hilarious and adorable.
4774008
Any project financed by this tax exemption is unlikely to be logical in a strictly time-and-money sense, which is why petitions on it are rarely made and rarer granted.
I'd bet that at least one if not both of the petitions that Princess Celestia refused came from a rich pony promising to do something that could be done on a shoestring, which would therefore be wildly profitable from the POV of somepony with a larger tax burden.
Though, since everypony was being nice and under-charging, How did it get so expensive?
4796687
Yes, and Celestia addressed this point in the law: of equal or greater value. If you owe a million bits, you have to do something she considers worth that much.
4796391 If you normally get a refund and suddenly you are owing the IRS $400, something is going on.
I enjoyed the fact that we, the readers, didn't know that the play would be the canon Hearth's Warming Eve play, so I fell under the same category of thinking "blech, a historical play? sounds boring". You can imagine my utter surprise once my head clicked when Derpy was waving at the crowd behind the curtain. I was very dumbfounded once I realized the quick assumption I made to the notion of learning about history through classical theatrics. It all sounds so dull in this day and age, when in fact, a historical play can be quite amusing and educational, after thinking back to how much I loved the Hearth's Warming Eve episode. This story is amazing in more ways than one.
4798209
Seeing a swing of less than $500 is not unusual at all. Like Derpy said, it's probably a change in the tax law. I've certainly seen larger year-to-year changes than that.
Now I can't see that episode without thinking about this fix.
4777990 Even so, unless she can do it for significantly less than 418, she's no better off - she's lost the money AND a significant amount of time.
On another note, perhaps you should have Derpy discover the law in a more obscure place like an old scroll in Twilight's library. It's really hard to believe that millenia have gone by and only three ponies have discovered this loophole, one of whom is cross-eyed.
4806562
Precisely why Celestia warned her. She explicitly said Derpy would have a difficult time of spending less than that, and it was Derpy's informed decision to take the risk. And who said the law was millennia old?
4806744 Not explicitly, granted, but the way
is phrased to me implies that it's been around for a great deal longer than Derpy has.
4806759
There's no time frame mentioned. She could have meant within the past year. I decided to leave it vague, but in my head, it's been there for five to ten years.
With this as part of the tax code the assumption is the Mane 6 don't pay taxes.
- Now what is Carousel Boutique's contribution to Equestrian Society?
- I helped end your family feud and keep Equestria from Eternal Darkness.
- Good.. Good.. now ...what is Sweet Apple Acres contribution to Equestrian Society?
- Ahhh, shucks thats easy... Apples!
I'll take it... and Twilight what is your contribution?
- I got punched through a mountain.... and freed you from Hell!
- I'm sorry ... changing the Equestrian Landscape doesn't count.
*Alondro's mind instantly goes into the gutter*
4842224
You know, there are a couple of my stories that I couldn't come up with a synopsis that wouldn't sound dirty to the right kind of ear. "Pilgrimage" was the other.
Hee, figured out what the play was quite early on, but it was still sweet seeing Derpy work so hard to pull it all together.
This is the sort of thing Derpy is made for; a simple, misunderstood mare who always does the best she can, while not quite fully comprehending the whole of the world around her.
4798209 A fair numner of people in the USA had that happen to them recently when the rates were raised for income over a certain amount.
And then one has to take into account the effects of local taxes, changes to SSI, Medicare, and unemployment deductions, and investments and alterations to codes regarding deductibles.
It can be tricky!
4842332
All true, but you have to take into account that the change from getting a refund to owing hundreds of dollars would be a very drastic shift in tax law. In this case we assume that Derpy is single with one child dependent, with no changes in her income or living conditions. So either Celestia purposefully targeted the working class for tax hikes, or the math is wrong, as we hear no other complaints about their tax bill being increased outrageously.