"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed." - Ernest Hemingway
In an alternate universe, a young colt lives on the ruined streets of Canterlot. He lost his family and his home after the Princesses' war with the creature Discord, but never lost hope as he searches for them. Story based upon the OC and haunting video "Children of the Night" created by Duo Cartoonist and used by their gracious permission.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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All right. To be honest, your story is one of those mediocre ones where you didn't do anything explicitly bad, but you didn't do a whole lot of good either. These stories are the hardest to review, so bear with me.
First point: You have a lot of exposition in this story. Probably more than is healthy. Most of the first and second segments are exposition—assuming that the scene breaks divide segments. You have to try asking yourself how this can be described without beating someone over the head with it. Look at this:
Now, tell me that without telling me it. Seem impossible, right? Let me give you an example:
See how that says the exact same thing but much more powerfully?
Second point: Your characters felt cardboard at certain points of the story. They didn't feel real by either reacting in a way that didn't seem realistic, or by not acting at all—also not realistic.
Wait . . . didn't you just say this?
Huh? Instant trust was given? I'm fairly paranoid myself, so I know that I wouldn't trust them immediately. I'd assume that they only wanted to get me away from Crazy Joe so that they could have me for themselves.
The dinner scene feels especially poor character-wise, to me, as well. The dialogue felt unnatural. And the crying out of nowhere? It all combined to make your characters feel flat.
Third point: Also Windrunner. Quite honestly, she played no part in the story. She said maybe a couple of sentences. I would either give her a larger role or cut her out of the story completely. As it stands, she felt rather pointless, to me: anything that she brought to the story could have easily been done by the parents. Basically, she didn't have a unique personality. I would also imagine that she would bond a bit better with Trotter than the parents would, seeing as she is his age.
Fourth point: The pacing in this story is rushed. But when you fix the first two problems, I'd imagine that this would get better, if not fine.
Fifth point: You've got little grammatical errors scattered about the story. Not too bad or too localized, but they are there.
Overall. This is quite honestly a "Meh" story. You read it and go, "Well, it wasn't bad, so I won't downvote it, bit it wasn't great, either.
" 
)
I would recommend recruiting a good editor, if you can. (There never seem to be enough.
4470375 Thank you for all your points! It seems I still have a ways to go, because I still have the blinders on when it comes to my own work. Thanks again!
4471354
No problem. Always happy
to rip a story a new onehelp!SO, I liked the story. I agree with Nightwolf's comments. But, you picked an awesome 'base' off which to build your story
As for editing. I've edited one or two stories. It's been some time, but, I could offer my services.
I did a slight rewrite, closed the plot holes and streamlined the story.