• Member Since 14th Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen June 10th

LordBrony2040


(Insert witty comment here)

Sequels1

Comments ( 27 )

Really good I am really looking foward to a continuation. Maybe stays a stallion for a few days and doesn't even think about what being in heat actually means till after she changes back. Honestly a really good start to a story with lots of places to go.

oh right, pregnancy happens now XD (if not,I'm not complaining) :pinkiecrazy:

It wasn’t as if two mares such as themselves being together in a sexual way could cause any real problems.

Heh, the problems start when one of the mares isn't actually a mare at the moment, and the other one is in heat :rainbowhuh::twilightoops:
I'd like to see their reactions when they finally realize that they will be bringing a little Twilight Dash into the world because of their little romp :twilightblush::rainbowderp:

Good fic. A follow-up would be nice, especially if Twilight got Dash preggers.

4439859
I couldn't agree more! Especially on the pregnant part... :scootangel:

The mare’s sex was already dropping in anticipation

she should probably see a doctor about that :p

This story was a good start, and had some decent emotional exploration, but there's a few areas that could really use some more work. I noticed a lot of issues with using the wrong word, especially concerning homophones (words that sound the same, but are spelled differently). Other than those, there weren't too many spelling and grammar mistakes though.

The relationship sometimes felt a little forced, but I rather enjoyed Rainbow's frankness and bravado in much of the story. Try to work a bit more on really doing a buildup of emotion and really showing why they care for each other instead of just telling us that.

Behold, clop for the sake of clop!

If that's what you considered this to be, then you'll really need to work on the clop. It was very short, and lacked even basic detail, sensation, and emotion. Until I read that comment, I had honestly simply assumed that the clop was thrown in as an afterthought since most of it doesn't last more than a couple of sentences. If you want to get better, there's lots of things you can do, but the best is to read plenty of good clop stories through with a critical eye and watch how they use detail, all of the senses, sound, action & response, dialogue, and variety of action. Think about what really makes a great sensual scene, and what immerses you as a reader. Once you feel you have a good grasp on that, just keep writing more and more and you'll find it becoming better and better.:twilightsmile:

Murrrrrrrrr :raritywink:

Maybe in a possible chapter 2 you could introduce Luna into the group :pinkiehappy: 3somes are better than 2somes :raritywink::rainbowlaugh:

your wings and plot.”

:ajbemused:

4443811

If that's what you considered this to be, then you'll really need to work on the clop. It was very short, and lacked even basic detail, sensation, and emotion. Until I read that comment, I had honestly simply assumed that the clop was thrown in as an afterthought since most of it doesn't last more than a couple of sentences. If you want to get better, there's lots of things you can do, but the best is to read plenty of good clop stories through with a critical eye and watch how they use detail, all of the senses, sound, action & response, dialogue, and variety of action. Think about what really makes a great sensual scene, and what immerses you as a reader. Once you feel you have a good grasp on that, just keep writing more and more and you'll find it becoming better and better.

Damn, you beat me to it. I was just about to say the exact same thing. :twilightblush:

This hardly qualifies as clop, fortunately I'm not here for the clop. Articuno approves, and she is looking forward to much longer pregnant clop scenes:twilightsmile: in the sequel. I could ask how Twilight had time to make semen during her brief time as a stallion, but maybe she was turned into one who had been producing semen for years? Dunno.

4444906

Check the squeal. That's one of the questions Twilight actually asks himself in his HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN moment and its the question that the fic is meant to leave the readers asking in a science VS magic argument about Twilight getting Dash pregnant.

Science guy: Twilight could have only of had a few million sperm! IT WOULD HAVE BEEN IMPOSSIBLE!

Magic guy: She just got turned into a 100% He like she was always a he! IT'S MAGIC, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE IMPOSSIBLE!

so, while i do like this story and it's sequel, am i the only one who feels that the sex needs some major improvement? the story is good, but the sex scenes, which i would assume should take up a good part of the story itself, are extremely short and vague.

aCB

Twilight let out another sigh and breathed deep, then swallowed a mouth full of salvia a moment later.

All that and Twilight's tripping balls too!? :pinkiegasp:

This is awesome, now to read the sequel.
:heart::twilightsmile::rainbowwild::heart:

4452576
That is honestly my only complaint about this story. That and some of the grammar and language could stand to be reworked.

That was cute, :pinkiehappy: A very light clop but was very nice :twilightsheepish: Well done, well done. :twilightsmile:

Good stuff.

Sequel? :heart:

First insure all body parts are accounted for, she thought before looking back at her wings…and frowning at them.

The context suggests that "insure" should be "ensure", as detailed here.

“Oh no,” the alicorn prince mumbled as he juggled his flank a little

"Juggled" should probably be "jiggled", as this site explains.

held her down with his strength, and forced his was into the crying pegasus’s sex.

"Forced his was" doesn't parse. It should probably be "Forced himself" or "forced his <some word for genitalia>".

A pang of guilt Rain through Twilight's heart, as well as a swelling of pride.

Is "Rain" supposed to be "ran"? I'm not sure how to interpret "rain" in this context.

“Twilight, do you,” Rainbow heisted a moment.

Is "heisted" supposed to be "hesitated"? It would make more sense that way.

The thought of loosing that because of…because…

"Loosing" should be "losing", as detailed here.

Sleep started to claim him, and the Element of Magic frowned as a though tried to form in his head.

The context suggests that "though" should be "thought".

>research martial
*material

I love a good romance-clop!

Needs some editing :moustache:

Was I the only one thinking Yandere Twilight x Kuudere Rainbow Dash?
I hope not!

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