Well...

This is a thing.

Little lacking in description, yet I want more.

4436543 what sort of deception, specifically?

4436557
Just general, really. Description is filler; it enhances the scene, adds the little details that, at first glance, don't seem important or noteworthy, but in actuality, are the heart and soul of the world you're building.

For example, the Elemental's hotel. Adding the spray painted 'E' to the building is a start, but there could be more. What's it made out of? Are there people hanging out around it? Are there broken windows, cracks in the walls, graffiti (aside from the 'E'), little itty-bitty pieces that add to the whole.

Or when they meet Cadence at first, when she's overlooking the tuning of the cars. What car was it? What were the two colts wearing? What did the rest of the garage look like? Where there tires stacked along one of the walls, were there other, middle-class cars to help the garage look legitimate rather than a blatant front for gang activity?

Like when Twilight is fresh off the bus; maybe she stood in awe at the skyscrapers surrounding her, maybe she saw girls in slutty clothing on the corner, plastic smiles and flagging down any car that stopped, stood in shock at the group of men and women walking down the street with AKs around their necks on straps.

When you build a world like Ponytropolis, or any world, there is rarely such a thing as too much detail.

I'm loving

btw MAOR

4437095 oh yeah i'm calling it, this gonna be on the front page NO It will be on the front page

plz in this fic cloudcasher is a hook you can sleep with in this fic i would love to see sexy things in this fic with her in it

4437766
They'll be sexy stuff all right...

4437892 is there going to be any consequences if there sex. like say STDs or knocking up a mare

4437976
Well, the main character is female, so...
The only STD thing I can see happening is MAYBE sex with Luna...
There may be other colts doing mares, but most of them will be background scenes and rarely main points...

Love it but now so much for my story but still love it

4436594
I went ahead and added some detail to the first part of Twilight's arrival. I'm actually now looking up images of cars and car names and whatnot.

4438460
Oh, were you planning a GTA-MLP crossover, too?

4438521 Yeah but its way different now that i think about it so im fine just have writer block right now and i have release it yet

4438521
But i still love it

A shiny star for you.

This better not be a one and done kinda story. I really like it

4439170
I'm already working on next chapter.

Okay if we end up with a large mare orgy and somehow Shining Armor is in it... that might be something Saint Row-ish.
If they go and do complicated Heists with a whole slew of infighting, then we have GTA elements.

But, I shall follow and see where this goes. Vote-pending.

4438990 Correction: 5 shiny star for you

I like this a moustache for you my good sir

Saints Row 4 Life

damn... that cover pic is full of kloudmutt... love it...

Well, I can safely say you have the Saints Row half down-pat. Not too sure about GTA, since I've never played it, but whatever.

This sounds awesome! Can't wait to see what happens and how where it goes!

4439909
In all fairness, GTA and Saints Row are the same, except GTA has no story (or no good story) and Saints Row does. I LOVE GTA5 but the game is based around stealing stuff and a story is made to try and make it make sense. Saints Row seems more fluent and it flows better with nice acting and storytelling. That's just my opinion, of course. So, if this feels more Saints Row-ish it's because of the story. There will be TONS of heists and murder and GTA-in in this fic, too.

4439680
i agree with Brony19 on this. like, say, if you're going to have any sort of clop in this it requires attention to detail to be good. Like this chapter, she walked in on Luna and (i'm assuming) Scootaloo having sex. Was Luna using a strap-on? Did she have a dick? was it natural or magical (Twilight, as a magical savant, would know.)? And characteristics. Luna is going to be a Running character, Along with Cadance. Describe them like you did Rainbow Dash.

Even more than that, You didn't describe RD adequately, all you did was say she had polychromatic hair, and where her cutie marks were. you didn't describe her clothing, Whether or not Twilight found her attractive, body size, breast size, hip size. all of these things are very important to know in the story you plan to make, hell in any story you plan to make. And not just attention to detail in the scenery. Take, for example, if your character is in a park. is this park well taken care of? is it under gang control? if so, whose control? what type of people are there?

And, even more, a building. Say, you are placing a hit on someone. is their home dilapidated, dirty, high maintenance or cheap? is the business they work at well maintained, high paying? all of these are important for placing the reader into your setting and telling them of the other characters mindset and placement in life.

Even describing facial expression and tones of voice can improve your writing quality by leaps and bounds.

4441691
Well, for the Luna scene, it was meant to be implied, not graphic. Also in the very beginning of the next chapter Dash and Twi talk about Luna's dick.

4441722
Well, these things should be known on sight, instead of thrown in the readers face. Also, why imply? if you're gonna be doing this, you might as well go the mile, have the sex happen and describe it. have good quality everything instead of good quality some-things

4441738
Except it's told from Twilight's perspective and she can't see behind the counter to see if Luna has a dick or not.

4441738
I'll go back and add the other details you mentioned but that Luna scene stays.

4441746
Hmm, then you should've put that in the story. a small tidbit to say that would be good. Also, if she hadn't had a dick, Twilight would know as she didn't take it off as she put on her pants.

But dont just focus on that, i just used that as an example. You need to put more detail into you situations, backstory, buildings, characters, and conversations. What you have now is good, but it can be better.

And please dont get offended, i do like you story. i just want it to be better so that i can love it.

Intriguing premise, but a bit light on detail and rather awkwardly written in places... I hope it gets better

Sweet. Need more. Good job as well.

Pretty cool

I haven't played Saints Row and I've only played a tiny bit of GTA, but this is good so far.

I have an idea: If you haven't already thought of something with her, maybe one of the members in the gang shes in is a self-proclaimed bodyguard for her? Whether he has a crush in her, thinks of her as a sister, or even a daughter depending on age is your choice. Im just throwing it out there.

Third street saints

You know a story's going to be good when it starts off with a breast size reference chart. lol

5567528 th04.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2013/207/f/d/syndicate_bosses__as_played_by_background_ponies_by_andrewnuva199-d6fb3qk.jpg

4441651 I do not play either gta or saint rows but from my observations this is my opinion

Gta focuses more on a serious criminal lifestyle
Saint rows has aliens, dubstep guns and several other things from all the games

6508695 NO THAT WAS JUST THE LAST two

I'm sure others have already said this, but I'll say it anyway, this is more like a Saints Row universe than GTA, still good though.

That picture at the start. Loving your work.

Well I got bored enough to start reading this...Listing bust sizes is going to take some getting used to but eh, at least it seems interesting so far.

Enjoy my future commentary.

Hmm, I think I'm gonna read this and the sequel at the same time, since I'm mostly checking the series of for Chryssie.

About time I got around to read this. It's pretty good so far. It's sister in law not sister on law also I thought Candace's boobs would be bigger

YAY!

Meh

10502722
Sweet comment :P