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The Insanity Program1,150 words
Destruction1,412 words
The Kitchen1,049 words
I Want To Go Home1,070 words
The Mares Ward1,019 words
Fat1,023 words

Fat

I quickly pull out my Camcorder and look at the map. There it is! Section 1B. I run through the hallways thinking I'm going to go home. But I stop dead in my tracks as I hear a massive thump. I start walking around the corner and see a door and the emergency power. I walk up to the door and see a locked symbol, good, well not for the guy banging on the door but still he could be dangerous. I look at the switch. It says "emergency power".

I walk up and think, "Somethings not right." but I still flick the switch. Suddenly the power from the lights flick on. Some bust but there's still power. I turn around and see myself face to belly with an overgrown fat orange pony. I look slightly to my left and see the door open. Shit. He grabs me with his hoof and pulls me up. My legs aren't touching the ground. "Um hi?" I say. He throws me against the wall. He gives a snort and is about to punch my face in with the other hoof. But I kick him in the chest. He falls down unprepared for the surprise attack. I jump over him and start running. I turn around corners, I go up, down, across, left, right, even backwards but nothing can escape this guy! I slow down because I am out of breath. Giving up he lifts me up and forces his hoof on my shoulder. This is it, the end. But instead, I hear a song.

"I'll cook up a solution with the knowledge I've accrued
They say a kitch-en time saves nine, but I'm just saving two!" says the voice.

The fat pony stops what he's doing and starts listening.

"I've gathered the ingredients to make some time sorbet
There's hardly room for seconds when the seconds melt away!" says the voice echoing through the hallways.

The fat pony stops listening, forgetting about killing me whilst it continues.

"Watch as I work my gypsy magic
Eye of a newt and cinnamon
Watch as the matter turns to batter
open the portal, jump in!"

I watch as Pinkamena jumps THROUGH the wall doing a mid air kick to the fat pony.

The fat pony flies across the hall hitting the wall and landing in a bunch of dead bodies.

Pinkamena gets up walking towards him singing "Crude stew, do you fear it Apple Bloom?
Sometimes life is not a cake walk, served up on a silver spoon"

The fat pony gets up, angry and starts charging towards Pinkamena.

Pinkamena punches the fat pony in the face and she hits him while singing.

"Toss a fig and, save the date and, bread and butter, chant and mutter, marination, incantation, chocolate icing, timeline splicing, yeast is rising, rectifying"

The fat pony, grabs one of her hooves and head butts her. Pinkamena starts getting angrier and angrier.

"My cauldron is preheated and I've got you in my thrall
Let's beat these yolks and save my folks by baking the fourth wall!" She then starts punching him from all sides. Behind, front, up, down, just everywhere!

The fat pony falls down, face up and Pinkamena looms over him with a knife as she sings.

"Watch as I work my gypsy magic
Seapony tears and provolone
God help the outcast with her witchcraft
Someday I'm gonna go home"

She lunges forward and stabs him in the chest, cutting open his whole belly.

"Someday, I'm gonna go home." She cries shaking.

After that piece of drama she turns to me and says "Now, time for pie!"

She walks over to me and puts her knife against my throat. I swallow hard, but the knife doesn't cut me, instead she starts crying.

"I can't. I can't do it!" She drops the knife, crying harder. She screams in an angry voice "YES, yes I can!"

She picks it back up and throws the knife at me. It stops 1mm away from my left eye and Pinkamena yells crying "NO! No more suffering. No more pain. I just wanna go home."

"But you can't go home Pinkie" says Pinkamena. "There is no way and if you did what would Twilight think of you!"

"But there is a way!" I say. She looks at me, "There is?"

"No, she lies, kill her!" Yells Pinkamena.

"But there is. There's an S.O.S system that can get us out of here!"

She drops the knife and she cries "But Twilight will never forgive me! I broke the Pinkie promise"

I pick up my Camcorder and show her her test note.

As she reads more tears begin to form in her eyes.

She gets up and says "Thank you for showing me the way. Now I must get out!" She runs away through the hallways.

I get up and run towards the S.O.S system.

When I arrive Pinkie/Pinkamena is there. "How do you work this thing?" she asks.

I flick a few switches and it turns on, alive. "NO!" Pinkamena yells. She puts her hooves on the table and flips it, breaking the system. "I love it here and you think you can take that away from me!"

"Help" interrupts Pinkie "She's taking control!"

She starts to punch herself and puts her hooves on her head screaming.

I watch horrified as the two personality's each fight for control. In the end she is on the ground crying in a ball.

"Your mean." says Pinkie.

"Well I'm a very mean pony!" says Pinkamena laughing.

She gets up like a zombie and says "Pinkamena is back!"

Author's Note:

Well that's epic fat guy vs cannibal to the death. Theirs something that's not in the DLC

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OldSchoolCatholic

OldSchoolCatholic #1 · May 25th, 2014 · · ·

True, not on DLC, but why the fat guy. Did it for the lolz?

GearMane

GearMane #2 · May 25th, 2014 · · ·

Hmm, where to start.
I think that the lack of atmospheric description would confuse those that are not familiar with Outlast. Most of the visual narrative is derived from fans of the game, relying on the visuals from it to fill in the gaps as to what the asylum looks like. Without having seen/played the game, this leaves one to imagine for themselves as to what it looks like, completely bypassing the desperate, run down tone that appears more fit in a post apocalyptic atmosphere.

The pacing is rather fast, and as I read through each chapter, it felt as if there were mere seconds between changes of scenery. The shot-gun approach to the initial build of the character disconnected me from him (Her? it is very unclear to me) The short-shucking of action to build up the trial that the character must overcome had me feeling like I was on a runaway train. There is so much that can be pushed out further if the pacing was slowed, much of the 'scenery' is speeding by that it feels like reading a script of basic events. The other characters, even though unimportant, come fast and hard. They feel like cardboard pop-ups, something to bat away with a quick jab before moving onto the next one around the corner.

The main character doesn't seem to be reacting in the environment, but rather reacting to what is happening with an air of a nonchalant disapproval. It seems as if there is very little emotion towards what is happening, and most of it is white washed with a few blurbs of 'scared' and 'annoyed'. It's a first person perspective, meaning that we are meant to connect on a direct level to experience everything rolling through one's mind, and I am getting the feeling that this is more of a third generation story. A story that you would tell to children sitting around a campfire, far from the warm safety of walls and a roof, displaced from comfort of a bed to let the alien sounds of the wind through the trees in the darkness and the imaginary monsters shuffling through the leaves just out of sight.

I read this because I ABSOLUTELY love asylum pieces of art/writing, and the title alone drew me in. There is potential here, but as somepony that wants to feel the desperation in every paragraph, read about the terror of one displaced and wrongfully put though things they should never feel. To know that around any corner there could be two guards, waiting with an open straitjacket to drag you to a chair and give you a lobotomy. The mental horror that you could spend the rest of your days drooling on yourself, a mere shell of what you once were, if you didn't escape what feels like the inevitable.

I absolutely hate the up/down rating system here, so I'm not going to rate it, but rather let my words speak for my rating.

steeperswine

steeperswine #3 · May 25th, 2014 · · ·

4444831 mmmm something tells me you like destroying people's feelings...even though I may have skiped half of it but still I have one question

Why are people liking it and I only got dislikes when the first chapter was relised? And when the second one came out no more dislikes...so why can't you not understand now I know what you had said before but people who had never heard of it told me they now whated to play the game...but thanks for feedback I guess.

Also about the he/she thing I know why you are confused

He reason is that if you search this up the description will say 'he and blue nail' and if you enter it and read it again it says 'she and sun light' and this problem can't be fixed.

Also I know what you mean by not telling about the area. I may had lack of it for the past week because I was too worked up on it so I never really thought of it so yea.

Also I read about how I use words wrong. Yeah I kinda know that because I am not a big thinker and suck at English at school but I did find this system that will help me a few days ago. So it will be improved

Thanks again

steeperswine

steeperswine #4 · May 25th, 2014 · · ·

4444718 he was on outlast non DLC

OldSchoolCatholic

OldSchoolCatholic #5 · May 25th, 2014 · · ·

4446022 Oh yay

steeperswine

steeperswine #6 · May 28th, 2014 · · ·

im making a new story if you want to check it out on the side

Jman14102

Jman14102 #7 · May 30th, 2014 · · ·

When I first saw that someone was making a My Little Pony crossover with Outlast, my first thought was "Damn, someone beat me to my idea...".
My second thought was "Oh well, might as well check it out. Maybe it'll be a pretty decent story...".
After reading your first chapter, I saw a lot of potential directions this story could go in. A LOT of potential directions. And I could see this story being pretty interesting if you knew what you were doing.
Unfortunately, after reading these last couple of chapters, I can see that you know where you want to go with this story, but are rushing to get there as fast as you can.
There is hardly any description of the setting the character is in that isn't longer than a couple of sentences. Everything in the story just feels rushed, with encounters with other characters beginning and ending within a couple of paragraphs (Oh! A couple of mares that helped you with your hoof! Oh, wait, they're all dead now.). An entire chapter could have been dedicated to the main character trying to out-run and/or hide from "The Big Guy", tons of potential suspensful moments that could have been, but weren't. Instead you have Pinkie appear out of bucking nowhere, and gutting him within the space of a few sentences. You need to slow your pace dwn by a lot buddy, focus more on fleshing out the chapters, being more descriptive with the surroundings and atmosphere. Make us feel like we are in the asylum, frghtened for our lives, hiding and peering around every corner for fear of what might be there. As someone who's played and beaten Outlast (I have yet to play Whistleblower. But that will be one of the first things I do over the Summer break.), I can tell you right now that the atmosphere, the ambiance, was half of what made the game so terrifiying.
Overall, the fic has a ton of good potential, you just have to slow the buck down and not leave the story a jumbled, half-comprehensible, wreck. I have faith that you'll consider my, and other critics, suggestions. Stay awesome and keep on writing, mate!

steeperswine