Derpy is Ponyville mailmare. She just had to send a letter to the Doctor, but after that moment, all her life it's going to change forever. Who is the Doctor? What is he doing in Ponyville?
Cover art by KP-ShadowSquirrel
Allonsy! It's the same story that I published in Fanfiction
Page generated in 0.165 seconds
Total duration
1,073 users online
2,256,100 hits today, 2,571,732 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I like this; good start to it.
A good story, but a little criticism.
The Doctor wouldn't had asked for some water (at least not just that). He'd have asked for a base to neutralilze the acid, most likely baking soda since he was in a bakery.
Second, check your tenses. You had at least one instance of Derpy talking in past tense with something that was happening right then.
Third, the part where the father says the creature ate part of her leg didn't seem right. He'd more likely say, "It bit her."
Other than that it flowed well. When does this take place? It seems like the pilot episode, but all the characters know Twilight...
4406959
Yes, I actually thought about the baking soda, but I thought it would be too unrealistic, and yes, I'll fix the part of the father.
Thanks for the critic, I'll improve the writing.
This chapter was a bit clunky. In several spots you re-stated what was established in the previous sentence. In others you used the wrong tense for words (kept saying "these" instead of "this").
Lastly, in any big chunk of dialogue you should have the character state who's speaking. When the Doctor & Derpy as well as Twilight & Zecora spoke, you only stated whom was talking once the went on with the conversation.
While not so long that it became confusing, it can easily end up that way.
4407030
Is not that confusing? Or is it?
Anyway, I want your opinion for my second episode: Digital Equestria Please
?
4410416 Ya gotta be careful, as an artist I can tell you that what makes perfect sense in your head might not in someone else's.
It wasn't too long with the characters speaking without it being stated who was saying what, but I've seen it turn into page lengths of that by amateur writers. Just something you need to be conscious of is all.
4410438
ok
1# yay
2# lol and yay
3# oooooo and yay and yes
Why did Derpy call the Doctor "Doctor" in the first two time? I don't think she could know that. shouldn't it be Time Turner?
There's all of a sudden time warp from 1002 C.E. to 1004 C.E. and back to 1002.
4406959
It is 1002 C.E. 2 years later summer celebration on season 1 so....around season 3 before Twi was princess I guess?
4514986 Where I changed to 1004?
And yes, 1004 is pretty much the 4th season.
4514986 Fixed, thanks.
I love doctor and derpy stories! Very
Good but a little spelling errors but
No big deal I know what you ment.
4406959 that depends on the water. Some water is alkali
It depends on if he asked for pure water or ionic water. But I would still change it.
My god I am reading the sequels! Ich liebe es!
4517376 Well, keep in mind that this is my first fanfic, and I don't came from a country where english is the main language (aún así me encanta ser colombiano), but thanks, I'll try to not make any more mistakes.
4531379 Germany rocks, thanks!
4520301 ah, wibbley wobbley, sciency wiemsy... stuff.
Like I said, I actually thought of that but I found it unrealistic later, so I dropped that.
Thanks for the reading.
this does need to be cleaned up. a good editor would be useful.
disregarding that, the story is very interesting. i will definitely give it a like. 
4980525 Thanks, that was my first fanfiction story in english. Yes, I need a proofreader or an editor, but it's hard to find one.
Anyway, thanks for reading and don't forget to read the sequels.
GRAMER!