I'm an electrician working in Fargo, ND. I love writing pony stories, and reading good fanfiction. My Patreon!
Scootaloo is Rainbow Dash's number one fan. But after a horrible accident where she's injured, Rainbow Dash wishes the unthinkable, that she'd never been born. Then she finds out the dire consequences of her choice.
Once again, I'd love to thank my editor for putting up with my lunacy, he's Jeray2000
Also, as always, I'm looking for artwork to put up here, pm me if interested.
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Also when it comes to thought 'put it like this' it'll help the reader to distinguish between thought, speech and description.
Other than that, this is pretty well written, kinda flew by pretty quick though
It's off to a promising start. I look forward to seeing the rest of it. (I'm the one who wrote the comment by the way)
Tiny nitpick, why were Scootaloo's parents not told until 30 hours after the accident?
4406770 Well, thank you for finding the story, I'm going to work on it, I'll try to keep to a weekly update cycle like I do with the rest of my stories, I've only got this and a New Teacher running right now, so two stories, updating once a week, not a problem. Though I'm working on youtube scripts right now, but I've got all week to get more on this done. I hope you enjoy the way I'm going to go with this story.
4406784 I can edit on that, the were told immediately, but they were away from town, and taking a while to get in.
4406832 Edit done. Thanx for finding the error.
I'm guessing somewhere along the lines of 'insanity'. Ultimately depends on how she'd be affected by being the victim of constant bullying without anyone defending her.
Interesting. Will follow and hope it doesn't have a downer ending.
This story reminds me of a movie... but I can't put my hoof on the name.
4437916
Yes, this story was inspired by a movie.
4437938 The name?
4437996 The title of the story wasn't enough of a hint? Let's try a quote from the movie...
"Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he? "
I plan on ponifying that quote later in the story.
4438043 Sorry still don't know. I remember the plot but not the name.
4438065 This story is inspired by the excellent movie from 1946, "It's a Wonderful Life"
Let's see what we have so far?
Scootaloo isn't near death- good
Fluttershy lives in Cloudsdale and has no friends- bad
Applebloom has her Cutie Mark- good
Applebloom is not friends with Scootaloo or Sweetie Belle- bad
Apple Jack is a Manehatten snob- bad
2 goods and 3 bads, it seems like this isn't looking so good.
She's a bit slow on the uptake isn't she. Never having been born means your friends don't remember you.
The streetlights thing is a clever workaround.
I like how it's going so far. Keep up the good work.
4486302 I wouldn't say slow, I'd say ultra focused to where she's ignoring other things that are wrong. Rainbow is no slouch, but she is completely rattled by the experience, and I have to give her a pass on noticing things she should be noticing.
Thanx for the compliment, I knew this story wouldn't be a 60k word large one, or even 30k word. I think it will come out to 10-12k word, and it's been an absolute joy to write. If you come up with another concept like that, let me know.
Well one thing I know off before reading: the CMC wouldn't exist
(It was scoot who called out from the crowd)
Just a heads up: when Rainbow was examining her wings, it said that they, and I quote, 'seemed find'. I think you meant to say fine. Either way, solid start. Keep up the good work!
Umm, I have a feeling I know how Scootaloo is doing in this world... here's a hint:
I really hope I'm wrong though...
Either way, this story is really good so far, albeit a bit shorter than what I'm used to. Keep it up.
Four friends down, one to go. I'm curious where you will take this past my original idea. Quite looking forward to it.
Twilight's sociopath. That's nice.
4515297 No, she's deluded, big difference.
4515610 Ah, sorry.
Yes! What a wonderful ending! I'm glad everything turned out alright!
I liked it quite a bit. It was a little bit exposition heavy at times, and I had hoped you might expand on the initial outline a bit more, but it was very good nonetheless. You might want to add an epilogue a few months down the line, showing the full extent of Scoot's recovery, and Rainbow interacting with the proper versions of her friends. Well done on making my idea a reality.
Ah, sweet closure. Good story, man.
I hope you don't mind some constructive criticism because here I go: You have an interesting story, and a lot of things are done well. It's not an original plot by any means, but you freely admit that you were inspired by its a wonderful life and that's not a bad thing. Your story flows well and your characters are very much in character. That being said I think you missed an opportunity here. In every chapter the biggest problem is that Rainbow Dash never did a sonic Rainboom. An important event to be sure but not the sum of what Rainbow means to her friends. You touched on it a little with Fluttershy but then it doesn't really come up. For instance a chapter with where we see what Scootaloo is like without an idol would be amazing. Also the ending felt a bit rushed. But overall good job, I don't want to sound too negative because I did enjoy the story, but more story would help turn this from pretty good to really good and possibly great.
4528831 What an utterly fabulous idea. I've already had a suggestion to do an epilogue, and I know the ending seemed a bit rushed, but I liked it as it is. I don't know if I'll truly revisit the story and do such additions, but it is something to think about. If I do a revision and addition, I will seriously consider your suggestions.
And THANK YOU!
Constructive criticism is ALWAYS appreciated. My editor told me after the story was done about some missed opportunities. And I did consider what he said. That being said, I did want to move through the story at a fairly rapid pace, just like Rainbow Dash would in such a situation, she would move from friend to friend, trying to find out what was going on, and eventually trying to get help. And I wanted to keep the focus of the story on her. I enjoyed writing the story, and I'll be keeping it in the back of my mind. So, once again, thank you!!
4438087
I had to watch that movie over and over as a kid. So much so, that despite how good I know it is, I can't watch it anymore.
Oh man, the feels! I think you broke me. Maybe I'll try watching "It's a Wonderful Life"again.
Loved this fic. Movies still too boring for me to sit through though, though I appreciate all the other Christmas classics that drew inspiration from it
I probably won't be adding anything remarkably new to the criticism you already received for this story, but I do feel like saying it out all the same.
This story is good. It takes whatever we know is canon into consideration, and builds upon it, not springing anything out of place or unexpected at the reader, while still providing elements of the alternate universe to keep the reader interested. And heck, it works, I read this in one go because I was interested in this. So great job there.
However, for me, that was all which was really enjoyable. Two things kept bothering me through this, the least subjective of the two being your pacing and character use. In your effort to make the story move and show what you meant to, I feel you made every character an exposition machine, save for Rainbow. Things are being "explained" rather than discussed or shown, way too often. Of course, you still make some semblances of the characters we know shine through, and I liked what was done for the most part, but it gets overshadowed by how many things are being explained at any given time, to the point where the best bits of dialog I recall were Rainbow's with Apple Bloom in the beginning and with Scootaloo in the end, where there was really just raw emotion involved. The rest wasn't impactful: I just remembered them as facts, and I feel other readers might, too.
As for the more subjective complaint, well, it had to do with how Rainbow's character was handled, but I rather not talk in length about it unless you actually ask me at some point. As I said, this is a good story, and I don't want to sound like I'm bashing it for the heck of it.
If you could keep the level of cherish for canon and detail that you display here, and perhaps work on how the dialog between characters is written, I'd say there should be no shortage of great things coming from you. I didn't check your latest works, I guess, but hopefully this might still help you in some way. Keep up the good work.
I will say I was not sure about this story for a few reasons #1 is I really like Scootaloo and rd and to see either heart just leaves a bade taste in my mussel.
but after talking to sparkle brony a few times he encaged me to read this and I am glad I did so.
sparkle brony you have a vary good story here be proud of it.
harts fire
5397504 I'm glad you liked it. I enjoyed writing it.
This story went better than I was expecting going into the story.
Such a powerful start. All the feels.
The stories are short but they have more punch to them. I never really wanted to read sad fics, because I'd rather be happy than sad, but I really wanted to see how one would feel to read and this one tugged at the heartstrings in the end. I'm very satisfied with how the story turned out all things considered. Looking forward to pickup up some more of your stories.
Gods....this is going to be a powerful and emotional story, you have my full attention.
Oh shit well way to mess up Equestria Dash, this is not going to end well.
Hmmm.....a new twist that's for sure but why does Rainbow not know that nopony knows of her? Seriously....shit.
6023333 She's confused, she is having trouble getting it in her stubborn head that she doesn't exist in this world.
Am I the only one thinking who wears AJ's hat now? That hat is legendary! And gods damn...well this is a serious twist....wow.
I'm half surprised nopony is trying to have her admitted into a mental hospital gods would that be such a dark twist and since Luna was never restored and Discord was never released, Rainbow will be hard pressed to get back home, then again Discord was releasted by chaos, not the Elements of Harmony so if she can release the god then she just might be able to get back home...but that's a huge might knowing that s he evil. Hmmm....
Spike's not hatched, his adopted mother might be imprisoned in the sun, Twilight is a freak but she has the right idea and the world is cloaked in darkness.....gods damn....so what happen to the other villains then?
What a twist...damn, I had a feeling it was not real, doubt Luna would throw her into an alternate world anyway but she's right she does not have that power and Discord to busy being...well, Discord to do such, plus I think he would only do it if he was angry like with Tree Hugger but gods damn this was great, very well made.
The finale has made me sign into my rarely used FiMFiction account so I could tell you something. I don't know if you saw the finale, but I guess we did see what happened without the sonic rainboom. It wasn't exactly like this but it still made me think of this.
4406770 It's like they heard you or something. It wasn't like It's a Wonderful Life it's still nice we got to see what happened.
Needs an extra chapter or two featuring Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. Otherwise, excellent work.
damn that was a good start to the story
well damn
Well this is your fault dash, for wanting to be not born