• Published 7th Apr 2012
  • 2,438 Views, 404 Comments

Badger, the Hippogriff - Solar Eclipse



a hippogriff joins in the school right after his military service. randomness ensures.

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Non-canon cannon

PLEASE NOTE, ABSOLUTELY NONE OF THE FOLLOWING IS CANON
ALTHOUGH THERE IS A CANNON THE CANNON IS NOT CANON TO OUR ORIGINAL CANON CANNON IT IS A COMPLETELY NEW CANON CANNON

Badger levels up
Badgers pov

I groaned loudly as I carried the ingriffinly large package to the Quil sand Sofa store. “Quills and sofas? How the bloody fuck do they sell SOFAS AND QUILLS? THEY ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FOR A REASON!”

“Well you could make a sofa from feathers, and quills are made from feathers... so they aren't that different.” replied Gilda, who was lazily sitting on a cloud she moved close to the ground, but under the cover of a building so as to not be seen by Rainbow Dash. She was smiling at me as I worked, most likely enjoying the view of my muscles or something. I don’t know, whatever it is girls watch guys for when the guys work out.

“Which book did you read that from?” I replied sarcastically.

“Quills and Sofas illustrated.” She replied nonchalantly, inspecting her recently sharpened talons

I paused in deep thought. “Holy hell, there is a female side of you! Buried deep, deep, down inside. But there nonetheless!”

“I will peck you... you know that right?”

“Calm yo’self woman, its not like you bit my tongue or anything before. Especially not during a movie which Shadow stood outside of.” I winked at her and smiled.

Thankfully we arrived at the store before I could dig myself into a deeper hole than I already was in. I dropped the package (carefully, mind you) and made my way inside. I yelled out in an old and official accent. “Is there anyone inside, this fine establishment?”

“Hello, are you here to deliver my specialty Quills?” an old pony popped up behind a counter

“Ya I guess so?”

“Spended! Would you mind bringing it to the back for me? My bones aren't as young as they used to be. It is difficult to bend down that low when you reach my age, hehe.”

“Sure thing, pops.” I replied, heading back outside to pick up the package-that-seemed-to-be-more-then-just-fucking-quills. I carried that sucker on my hind legs, wobbling with every step, around the side of the building. the old stallion was standing with a back door open, motioning for me to enter. brought the package in and set it in the middle of what might have been a small work area.

The instant the package touched the ground a huge explosion of light and what sounded like a large gong went off. Next thing i know light had surrounded me in a form or aroua. I instantly jumped off the ground and shot out the door, my days in Operation Eclipse reminding me not to go near sudden light. I looked behind me to see the pony looking at me weirdly, then shutting the door slowly.

My gaze traveled to the ground I was standing on, where a large circle of light took up as much room as I did. I froze and stared. What the fu- cutting my thoughts off, in the background I heard Azok yell “GRATS!”

“The hell does that mean!?” I shouted back, my voice betraying me.

“Congratulations....god and I thought ponies were slow sometimes.”

“I meant why did you say congrats?” I said as Azok rounded the corner to look at me with the most bored expression I’ve ever seen

“...O shit, I forgot that doesn't normally happen here...Some of the magic must have rubbed off on you...Interesting”

“Just tell me what's going on.” I replied, face taloning.

Azok cleared his throat as if he was preparing for a speech “Congratulations you have just leveled up. By leveling up you grow more powerful and may also earn talent points to put into three separate talent trees. As an example I can go Holy Retribution and Protection.”

“Get to the point.” I said, poking him in the chest with one of my talons

He blew off the poke and spoke, “Badger do stuff, get EXP. EXP levels you up. Leveling up makes loud noise. Loud noise mean Badger stronger. Understand now?” He pushed my talon off himself and looked boredly to me.

“Bitch I’m not dumb. I will cut you up.”

“Good luck your level 1 I’m 85” azok yelled as he transformed “LOL NOOB!” he shouted as he flew off.

“One of these days...” I sighed.

Azok, Vinny and Badger all turn into kids / age reduced by 20 years

“So.. uhh.. Twilight why exactly are we here?”

“Ya I was taking a nap” Vinny complained

“I’m still confused as to why I'm in this story” Badger snarked.

“Well to answer all your.. uhh.. questions I need candidates to test my new spell.”

“Candidates that means we get a choice?” Azok asked hopefully

“Nope!” Twilight's horn flashed and three beams blasted the ‘volunteers’ almost instantly they all began to shrink.

After several minutes and several feet lost Twilight stopped casting her spell “Success!” she squealed.

“What the hwell was that?” Badger chirped “Wait why do I swound wike-” Badger looked down and saw his now diminutive body. He was no more than eight inches tall, and pure white down feathers all along his body. He didn’t even have his scars that he took pride in. “WHAT THE FWUCK!?” He chirped loudly. “TWIWIGHT! WHAT DID YOU DO! WHY AM I HUNGWY FOWR WORMS?!”

“Well the spell said age reduction by 20 years and you three were the only ones old enough to not get blasted into non existence.” She glanced over at Azok who strangely remained almost exactly the same. “Weird that it didn't work on you though”

“Oh it did, I feel like i'm in my mid 80s right now.”

“WHAT? YWOU WERE OWER OWNE HUNWED!?”

“Ya. I thought I told you that?”

“You mwost certawnwy did NAWT.”

“Calm down little guy now me and you are stuck the same boat” Vinny said from his now slightly smaller body. I’m just glad goblins get big fast or i would be about the size of a baseball.

The door creaked open and in walked Gilda. she was walking backwards, sure to keep her eyes on the sky so Rainbow Dash wouldn't see her. “Yo guys, it’s been thirty minutes, and I heard some high pitch squeaking and-” Her gaze landed on the hippogriff chick and she froze in her tracks. Her jaw dropped like a rock.

“Dwon’t you fwucking sway it-”

“YOU’RE SO CUTE!” She instantly picked him up and hugged him as tight as she could against her body, making him -and, I shit you not- squeak like a dog toy. Eliciting a “Daww” from all present

“I am gwoing to kwill you all.” Badger said, shaking with fury.

“He’s so cute when he gets mad! Almost like a kitten!”

“Hey wook wats dat!” Badger yelled pointing at the other end of the Library “Distwaction!” he shouted as he ran out the door, and tried to take to the air, but his undeveloped wings caused him to faceplant into the ground. “Dawmit”

“Alright Badger, get back in so I can change you all back.. I hope.”

Fifteen minutes later They were back to normal (save for Azok who wanted to stay younger).

“Anyways Twilight I -” Badger was interrupted by a bright circle of light under him, along with some sort of music. And a large banner that read ~~Level 10~~.

“Grats.” Azok said as he slapped Badger on the shoulder. “Only 75 left. Not bad.”

“Soon...” Badger whispered under his breath.

Azok, Vinny and Badger turn into ponies.

“So uhh twilight why exactly are we here?”

“Ya I was taking a nap” Vinny complained

“Wait.. I think we’ve done this before.. OH SHIT, I’M OUT!” Badger exclaimed, flaring his wings open, accidently distracting the others.

“Hu???”

Twilight took their momentary lapse in concentration to blast them with yet another spell.

Azok was the first to speak this time “Why just why. How can this help any science or spell casting or anything why would they even make a spell to do this” he sighed as he brought his hoof to his face.

“Twilight... Please, explain to me, in all that you consider holy, why am I a pegasus.” Badger said, facehoofing a little too hard and hitting himself in the eye. “ow.. but I do respect that I look like one of the Solar Guard.

“Uhh hey look what's that?” she shouted while pointing to the other end of the library. “Distraction!” she yelled as she sprinted out of the room leaving three new ponies alone.

“Ehh i've been turned into worse” Vinny said “one time i got turned into a giant zombie thing. Kinda grosses you out.”

“Granted that is gross but we have to find a way out of these bodies first” with that Azok followed Twilight's example and sprinted out. Vinny tried to follow but fell down almost instantly.

“Damnit.”

Another banner shined above Badger with the usual glow, ~~Level 20~~

“GRATS!”

“Fuck you.”
Go to lake and BBQ.

“So what is this stuff?” Badger asked.

“Seafood Magnifique.”

“Its good. I like it. ANOTHER!” Badger said, slamming his plate into the ground.

The authors show up.

A bolt of lightning struck the earth and from its crater emerged two of the most powerful beings in the world

The authors... “O god my back I think I landed wrong. Jesus christ that hurts... where the hell am I?”

“Your on my face.” Replied a black pegasus stallion, who knocked the creature off. The pegasus looked around. “Seriously, where are we?”

“HOLY SHIT A TALKING RECOLOR...”

“The fuck is a recolor?” Solar Eclipse asked, getting up and stretching his legs.

“Uhh who are you?” asked the creature with a red hat on. It couldn’t have been more than a foot or so high, its hat taking up another foot. It seemed to have a hint of mischief on its face.

“Solar Eclipse.. you?”

“The Diabolic Gnome” replied the gnome with a smile as large as his face.

“AW MAH GAWD YOU’RE THAT GUY I BEEN COLLABING WITH”

“I KNOW RIGHT.”

“ERMAHGERD, DER DIRBERLIC GNERME”



“Sweet my two oc characters.” Gnome said.

“NO GOD DAMMIT! YOU BROKE THE RULES!” The stallion said, covering up the Gnomes mouth. “THEY CAN’T KNOW WE’RE FROM WHEREVER THE HELL WE ARE FROM”

“so where are you guys from?” asked the Elf.

“Earth- FUCK!” The pegasus facehoofed

“On a side note I have a theory to test... IT SUDDENLY STARTED TO RAIN CHOCOLATE MILK” seconds later the clouds opened up and milk fell from the sky “Sweet.” The gnome said, a smile spreading on his face again as he admired his handiwork.

“Oh fuck yes... MEANWHILE IN GOTHAM, BATMARE THROWS A BAT-A-RANG AND HITS BADGER WITH IT!”

Out of nowhere came a whooshing sound, and a loud THUMP! Badger fell to the ground holding his head in pain. On the ground sat a bat-a-rang.

“We should use these powers for god...I mean good.

“Yes.. We. Are. Your. GODS. GIVE US YOUR VIRGINS.” Solar proclaimed, thrusting his left forehoof into the air madly.

Millions of bronies fell from the sky dying on impact, burying Gnome and Solar. Their death was not a glorious one. *

The last words muttered was Solar, hoof in the air, yelling as loud as he could, “I REGRET NOTHING! ALSO BADGER LEVELS UP TWENTY TIMES!”

“Gratz, B” Said Azok.

“Fuck you.” replied Badger, still holding his head.

*Solar does not approve of Bronies being the ones falling from the sky.

*Gnome does. haha

** We were at a compromise, with no other way to end it.

Gary Stu the living hell out of everything.

Azok and Badger were walking down the streets to canterlot, all of the mares stopped what they were doing and looking at them. The mares fainted from the sheer awesome of the two pimps, Who strode with style, bling bling covering every available surface of their body.

Gilda and Lyra waited at the end of the street, waiting for their returning hero’s, after all they slayed over 5000 dragons in two minutes flat. during the battle Badger had leveled up at least another 500 30 levels, and ll of his skill points were in the ‘Sexy and I know it’ branch. Badger walked up to gilda and Said “Hey babeh” and then started making out with her in public, the mares watching all jealous, and wanting a piece of the action.

Vinny popped up from nowhere and made out with Lyra.

Celestia and Luna themselves descended from the heavens and said “Thou, Badger and Azok, have done Equestria a great good in the last three minutes. We owe their our lives.” The end of the sentence was very sultry.

Badger stopped making out with Gilda and high fived Azok. They were in for a good night.

Then out of nowhere a human pops up and takes all the jealous bitches in his arms. His last words as he walked into the sunset with thousands of females? “Gary motherfuckin’ Oak”

~~level 50~~
“Grats.”

“NOT NOW, DAMMIT TO BUSY ABOUT TO GET LAID.”

We get stoned on Poison Joke.

“Dude.... dude... you’re... dude. Seriously, dude. Dude. Dude. You’re.. like a talking bird thing.” Said Azok, as he started to chuckle

Badger held his talon in front of his face. “Dude holy shit I have.. Have.. Dude you're some pale skinned thing.”

“Im freaking out man I cant feel sound anymore.”

“Dude.. dude.. seriously, dude. I used to be able to count to potato.. But then I.. dude.. want to hear a funny joke? Arrow to the knee..” Badger started to laugh uncontrolably

“I think uhhhh i think that uhh we should go get some tacos. Like now.”

“Dude, I had the EXACT same idea. I'll get the stash man, you get the tree’s.”

“Come on fluttershy were getting tacos” Azok whispered as he ripped a tree out of the ground.

“Shit man, we forgot the chicken!” Badger ran over to a orange filly pegasus and picked her up.

“TO WAR.... I mean uhhh taco ya thats..... what were we doing again?” Azok yelled.

“Seriously. Dude. Dude, seriously. DUDE. SERIOUSLY. THERE ARE SPIDERS EVERYWHERE. OH GOD GET THEM OFF. CHICKEN, HELP ME! LURE THEM AWAY!” Badger started to twirl in place, trying to rid himself of invisible spiders

Badger stopped moving instantly. “Azok. I need you. To light me. On fire. I think that is the best way to... to... fuck I forgot what I was going to say. Where are the tacos..... AZOK HOLD STILL THERES SOMTHING ON YOUR FACE. ”

“Is it a beard?”

“Yes.”

“GET IT OFF GET IT OFF.”

“Heys guys, do you know where my poison joke stash is? I was saving it and now it’s gone-” Gilda walked into the campsite and stopped instantly.

“Dude. Azok. It’s a talking bird! Holy shit man!

“Maybe its friendly” Azok said as he started to snuggle Gilda’s down feathers.

“YOU USED UP MY ENTIRE STASH!? WHAT THE FUCK GUYS!”

“OH SHIT! RUN AZOK, RUN! DON’T LET IT CATCH YOU!”

“AHHHH......zZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZ.”

“zZzZzZzZ”

“Fuck.. Vinny!” Gilda yelled out.

Vinny promptly slammed on the ground in front of a stunned Gilda

~~Level 60~~

“zZzZ..Gratz...’

“Fuck..ZzZz... you...”


Heat day. Again all get chased except for Azok because he looks like a female .

It was that time of year again. The time of year when all the stallions ran for their lives and hid. Exped for three males, Azok, Vinny and Badger.

“Where is everybody? Ponyville is completely deserted.”

“No idea, but Gilda and Lyra said to wait a couple of weeks or days, I can’t remember.” replied Badger, looking around nervously.

“Anybody else notice that it smells kinda weird” Vinny asked.

“Yeah.” Badger sniffed the air “Oh... Celestia... NO. Run. Run now. Back to the forest!”

“Why?” the group turned around and came face to face with a mass of mares so large it looked like one giant pastel colored splotch.

“That’s why.” Badger replied, taking a couple steps back. Then ran as fast as he could, his wings beating periodically to make him go faster and farther.

Sadly in their panic Azok tripped “RUN!! SAVE YOURSELF!!” the horde of mares ran over Azok, completely ignoring him.

“Vinny! Hop on! HURRY! We need to get out of here!”

Back on the ground Azok lifted his head up... there was nobody around at all save for granny smith running as fast as she could trying to follow the other mares.

“Granny where are you going?”

(DUE TO THE GRAPHIC NATURE OF THE CONVERSATION IT HAD TO BE CUT IN FINAL EDIT)

Azok was bent over a garbage can emptying his stomach for a third time in not so many minutes.


On the other side of Ponyville, badger and Vinny ran screaming away from the multitude of colors that were chasing them. Badger finally took to the air with vinny on his back, and pumped his wings as fast as he could, gaining altitude above the mess of mares.

“Why exactly are we running?” yelled Vinny, his voice trying to fight the wind.

“Remember that smell? That good Vinny, is pheromones. Lots and lots of Pheromones. The mares are in heat, and will do anything for a good fuck.”

“So why are we running sounds like there is no down side to me?”

I can’t get caught. Once a Hippogriff gets laid, it stays with that partner till they die. And some of the mares... you don’t know what they can have. Plus they usually pulverise the males pelvis, three at a time if possible..” Badger shuddered heavily.

“CANNON BALL!!!” all Badger could do was gasp as Vinny jumped off his back into the herd of mares “TELL THEM I DIED HAPPY!!”


Three days later all the mares had come to their senses and Badger and Azok were visiting Vinny in the hospital.

“Doc will he be ok?” Azok asked with worry in his voice.

“He should be fine his pelvis and spine are healing nicely but for some reason we can't get his face to relax he as been smiling like that since we brought him in. But I’m sure its just a muscle spasm. It should be gone in a week or two.”

“Thanks doc.”

Badger and Azok went out into the hallway and started to leave when Badger brought something up “Why didn't you get uhhh what's the word.... Brutally raped?”

“Oh, turns out I look like a girl so they ignored me.”

“Lucky bastard. Rainbow followed me all the way to Canterlot.. Then Luna yelled out and i ran. as fast as I possibly could.” His eyes glazed over. “As fast... as I could..”

“Its ok buddy” the Elf said picking up his friend “Its over now its all over.”

A bright light erupted under Badger’s talons, with a large banner.

~~Level 80~~

“Gratz.”

“Fuck you.”

“They didn’t.” Replied Azok with a smile.

Azok Teaches at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns

“OK. Welcome to your first day of ‘Combat magic and Magic Defence’ I will be your instructor Azok. Now if you're wondering I’m an Blood Elf. My species is very proficient in the arcane arts along with being resistant to magic and our innate ability to absorb magic.” Azok proudly stood in front of the small class, which included Badger, Gilda, Celestia and Luna.

A light blue unicorn in the back of the room raised her hoof “Uhh, thats incorrect, nothing can absorb magic. Thats goes against the fundamentals .”

“Well aren't you a smarty britches ms...”

“Moon Dancer.”

“Then you can be the first assistant come down here and stand perfectly still.” Moon Dancer reluctantly complied but eventually made her way to the stage.

“Now stand still and try not to pass out.” Azok raised his hand to the pony and a stream of light blue energy began to shoot out of Moon Dancers horn, almost like water from a hose, several seconds passed and the stream stopped “Now levitate that bottle.” Moon Dancer pointed her horn at a nearby bottle and nothing happened except for Moon Dancer falling to the floor exhausted.

“So, normal unicorns -or anything for that matter- cannot absorb magic. But there is actually a very easy way to learn how to do it. Moon Dancer now imagine you are casting a spell but in reverse, it can be any spell just has to be a spell.” Azok charged a bit of magic into his hand and held it near the unicorns horn. Slowly but surely, the golden aura was being dragged away from his palm to her horn.

“Now you can absorb magic from almost any source, but from another living being is the best source. Now onto what I call buffs. I need two volunteers, one being me and the other being a non magical animal. Badger thats you. Come on down.”

“Oh...fffffffff- fudge.” Badger had a hard time controlling his curses around the Pincesses. He slowly made his way to Azok and stood in front of him

“Good now that you're here we can go over 2 types of magical buffs that i am the most well versed in the first being auras. An aura is a spell that has an effective radius of about 40 yards, myself being the center. If I move, the spell moves. Now down to business, the first aura is called Retribution aura. Now Badger will hit me and we will see the spells effect.” A blue hammer appears above the Elves head dissipating shortly after it appeared.

Badgers mood lightened instantly. “Lets do this!” In less then a second he brought his talon back, and forced it into Azok’s face as hard as he could. When his talon made contact a tentacle of bright fluorescent light shot out of Azok and hit badger flinging him back into the far wall. “SON OF A BISCUIT EATER!”

“Retribution aura deals damage to anybody that hits me or my allies within 40 yards. A good offensive spell as well as a defensive spell. Now I need a Unicorn who is good with Fire, Ice, and Nature.” Three unicorns in the front row all stood up and went on stage. “Now I would ask your names, but I honestly don't care, so we will get into the demonstration. Each of you shoot your respective element at me and-” before he even had time to finish a rock a ball of fire and a spear of ice impacted on his chest sending him into the same wall as Badger.

“Perfect” Azok yelled as he peeled himself off the wall “Now lets try it again but with my resistance aura on.” A small cross appeared above his head similar to the hammer from earlier. “Now attack me again.” Three more bolts of fire ice and earth shot at him but unlike the previous time, they only shoved him back a foot when they hit him. “So because of my aura, damage from those three magic types has been severely reduced. There are three more auras: Protection aura, Crusader aura and Concentration aura. Protection aura acts like resistance aura, but works for all damage Crusader aura makes you run faster, and Concentration aura makes spell casting easier.”

“Now onto blessings. A blessing is a spell that when cast on one pony it will also be cast on all allies. There are only two Blessings; the Blessings of Kings and the Blessing of Might. The first spell,” Azok raised his hand and a small crown appeared above every head in the room “Blessing of kings increases all stats. That means that you are stronger, more magical, and ect ect. Blessing of Might,” Azok raised his hand again and a fist appeared above every head “Increases Strength and Magic more so than Kings, but it only does those two, where as kings increases everything slightly.”

“There is one more type of buff but it is class specific, meaning only ponies or people who are the same class as me, Paladin if you're wondering, can use it but since none of you are we won't go into that today.”

“Now any questions?”

Badger raised his fist from the wall slowly.

“Yes, the one in pain you had a question?”

“Thats all great and all, but how come I haven’t-” A large light erupted from the ground below him

~~Level 85~~

“Nevermind.” Badger replied, slowly putting his talon down

“Gratz.”

“Now that that has been answered anymore questions?”

Twilight Sparkle raised her hoof instantly.

“Do you have more than one question?” Azok asked.

She nodded her head vigorously, hoof still in the air.

“No only one question.” Replied Azok.

“Fine. I was wondering if you have any personal protection spells that only affect you?”

“Yes, I have two in fact. I call them bubbles. Both remove all damage taken for about 12 seconds. Any more questions?”

Badger raised his talon again.

“You already had your question, and it was answered before you even asked.”

“It’s important.”

“Fine. Ask away.”

“I challenge you.. To a fight. On my terms and for the shits and giggles. Do you accept?”

“That question has nothing to do with my lecture so wait till later.”

“Fine.”

“Ok any questions that aren't from Twilight and Badger.” A green unicorn with a four leaf clover cutie mark raised his hoof “Yes what is your question.”

“Do you even lift?”

“Thats it you ungrateful idiots.” Azok turned around and punched a hole in the wall before exiting. “And yes I do!” He yelled as he jumped out of the hole.

OLD ENGLISH BOXING MATCH WITH TOP HATS, MONOCLES AND MUSTACHES.

It was the day of the fight between Badger and Azok. Both competitors were primed and ready for a no hold barred boxing match. They had both been equipped with Top Hats and Monocles. Mustaches was given, courtesy of Twilight Sparkle.

Hello and welcome to the fight today. Folks we have a good match set up so lets get to it. In this corner we have the one man army, the pale beast, and the dude who looks like a lady Aaaaaazzzzooooook. And in this corner we have the mentally unstable, the master chief, The war hero, the one, the only Badget.”

“ITS BADGER, DAMMIT!”

“Whatever. Now go to your corners and when the bell dings come out swingin.”

“C’MON BADGER! I GOT FIFTY BITS ON YOU!” Gilda yelled over the roaring of the crowd.

Not to be outdone, Vinny included his own two cents. “KNOCK ‘IM DEAD BIG GUY!”

Badger stood up on his hooves, his wings out so he could balance himself. He took a couple of practice swings in the air with a huff of each punch.

Ding Ding

Azok and badger charged each other each ready to deliver a vicious right jab. Time slowed down as they got closer and closer, close enough to see the whites of the other’s eyes. Then suddenly they shot their arms forward, hitting the other in the face, knocking them both out instantly.

“Do we get our money back?”


Gilda sat there, staring at the limp bodies of Badger and Azok on the floor, her fifty bits down the drain in less than two seconds.

“FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-”