Harmony peak academy is the most presages school in all of Equestria. Only problem is that it's bin turned in to a prison. Now Flash Sentry and his class mates must find a way out and survive the deadly class trial
Chapters (4)
- Member Since 14th Feb, 2014
- offline last seen April 12th
Axle the Cobalt Exorcist
I'm just a otaku passing through. Watch out cause the flower print wereing Diamond Dog is here to be awesome
Axle the Cobalt Exorcist
Joined 14th Feb, 2014 ·
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Wow... this is... shameful, to say the least, about every five words there is a typo, just... wow my story got rejected for not making a new paragraph when a person speaks... and this got through... who's dick did you suck to get this approved this is terrible you need serious revisons.
Though I do have to thank you, this was exactly the push I needed to start writing my story again.
4431599 I'm sorry I'm sorry I know my spelling sucks I'm trying but I have a problem with spelling. Pleas if you know an editor pleas tell me
4431672 your .......welcome. And let the recorded show that I don't like that dick sucking comment
4431868 Pretty sure there's a group for that in the recommended groups thingy.
4431599 Dude, don't be that guy. You can easily say that he needs to do some serious work on his spelling and grammar without being rude.
Also, it's my job to be "that guy". You can't steal my job.
4432121 *Le steal job*
4432221 NUUU~! *Sobs while clutching metal beam* Wait how did I get-- HOLY S
T THAT'S A BIG DROP AAAUGH.
No, but seriously. Don't be a jerk.
4432227 Why I'll have you know I am a asshole, not a jerk!
4432235 *sighs exasperatedly*
*sighs with happiness that "exasperatedly" is a word*
*giggles*
*hysterical laughter*
*boop*
4432242 What the fuck?
4432248 Nooothing.
*giggle*
4432348 Psycho.
4432351 *boops your nose with bloody hammer* Yooou betcha!
I'll say that it does need a little more work. Take it from me as I screw up badly in my first try writing my Dangan Ronpa crossover. Also I would advise to not copy so much from the source material.
4432452 trust me once I start killing ponies it's going to be different. Some charters who got killed in the original will do the killing in this one. Spoiler Blue Blood will not make it to the end
4432533 Try to hide that spoiler. Putting this
Wow... You know, at first I was thinking the same thing as Soulian down there (forgive him, he's a decent enough guy... for an asshole, at least) but it all became worth it once Discord and Pinkie drove a truck through the fourth wall like that. As is my policy, I'm going to take it apart so you can put it back together into a form that can properly bring your vision to us
First off, as he said: this has probably the lowest class of spelling I've ever seen. I don't like putting it like that, but it's undeniable. You will NEED a prereader for this to act as crutches while you improve your spelling. It will be a daunting task, but certainly possible.
Second (though this is a lesser issue, and lots of people fall into this) is that the whole thing seems rushed. No one has any time to react to being trapped, almost as if the story is just glossing it over. In fact, it seems as if Flash just kinda shrugs and accepts that he's been kidnapped. Think of it this way: if you found yourself in Flash's situation, how much time would you devote to thinking about it? It can't overshadow the introductions, of course, but it must be one of the main events of the chapter.
Third, there are a few moments that need more clarity. Read through again and pretend you don't know anything about the story already. Would you know everything you needed to? For example, what's so serious about 'sleeping in class?' we know from the game that it carries the death penalty, but it needs to be mentioned in the story as well.
However, there are good things I have to say about it, mainly that I'm genuinely interested in how it's going to play out. You're the only one I've seen so far who reused nearly every one of the original SHSL talents. (On a side note, Fukawa was my favorite character, but somehow I think Pinkie will manage to live up to being her replacement
) It will be interesting to see how you take things in a different direction from the original. In addition, while you didn't make many jokes this chapter, you actually made me laugh out loud. Maybe it's because I just didn't expect it, but you have potential there. It pulled me back in when I was starting to feel apathetic.
For now, I think you should make finding an editor your first priority. You may decide to withdraw the story until you can give it a complete rewrite (and it will need to be complete), but don't give up on it! You're taking this in a unique direction, and it's worth pursuing. And when you do rewrite it, don't SAY that it's a rewrite like you did with the chapter's title. Let the improvements speak for themselves. Now get to writing and really knock our socks off!
4513390 thank you for the kind words. The story is in the proses of being edited and mite be done by Monday. But after reading your comment I may need to fix a few things
so rarity was the first one to go .
well next chapter will be the investigation in which the evidence will be found and random people guessing on who the murder is by guessing based off the evidence.
also if monokuma does show up he would either show up when the trial begins so that way discord does not get killed or at the final trial where he may reveal that he was controlling discord or end up being a security guard that patrols over night.
Wow, you really have improved a lot, AND you're releasing an edited version later? That's great to hear!
There are a few things I feel I should point out though: The main thing is that while there are less spelling errors than the first time, you still seem to get words mixed up a lot. Remember, just because a a spellchecker says a word is spelled correctly, that doesn't mean it's not wrong. For example instead of 'delicious' you wrote 'delouses'. Delouses is a verb meaning 'removes lice'. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes it gets so bad it's funny.
Its interesting seeing some of these ponies interact with each other, such as Blueblood and Pinkie, but I feel as if most of the characters are still kinda flat. I would try to cut down on scenes that don't contribute to either the plot or character development. The breakfast scene, for example, could be removed entirely and nobody would notice. Instead, show more scenes featuring meaningful interaction between characters.
I did the same thing when I first started, and I know sometimes it seems like the right move, but you should never put an 'I don't know what I'm doing' disclaimer anywhere on the story. It gives people a negative bias against you from the beginning.
Also, when you say 'diamond,' do you mean like the jewel, or the geometric shape?
4644642 the shape
if i remember how the 1st case of the game went then rainbow dash is the killer
This music plays after the execution
a picture shows up with flash and the deceased so far
4837026 dude I totally forgot about that. That's like one of my favorite anime eds
Ps. I can't read the blacked out parts. Not sure if I'm support to see it.
4837144 you can read it by putting the cursor over it
(nevermind I'll remove the black around it but the black is usually spoiler part so you can see it)
4837144 also if you want to get your own description of the ending picture you can
4837746 you mean you can get me one. I tryed to draw one myself ponies are the one thing I can't seem to draw
I thought it was really good and funny, I'm not gonna nitpick the obvious since everyone has the same issue with that but I had a good laugh when the characters were being described, their high high school titles, and of course having Discord be the villain is all too fun for me!
I can't even comprehend what I've just been through, honestly. The writing just seemed to get worse and worse as things progressed. The dialogue was cringeworthy throughout, with no sign of stable progression anywhere. And just to top it all off, it does very badly at reaching out to those who have never even heard of Dangan Ronpa. Sure, it's still better than some other stories out there, but it just doesn't work with the terrible grammar and lack of decent explanation. Anyway, I can't think of anything else to say here, so I'll stop typing and go back to... whatever I was doing before reading this.