• Member Since 7th Jan, 2012
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Twilight Sparkle's tenure in Ponyville has been anything but calm. Since the Summer Sun celebration, she's dealt with a variety of foes, from Nightmare Moon to dragons, hydras, Discord, and King Sombra. But when Pinkie Pie asks for help with a small problem, Twilight finds herself pulling out all the stops to deal with the most dastardly (and curious) fiend yet encountered: Sugarcube Corner’s haunted mailbox. Rainbow Dash’s letter from the Wonderbolt Academy is on the line. Failure is not an option.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 79 )

A wonderful tale of Twilight taking on the greatest evil she has ever faced. That mailbox is far eviller than Discord, Tirek, or Chrysalis. in fact, I wouldn't rule out the possibility that the mailbox was born when the three of them went out for drinks, and one thing led to another...

You do have a real knack for putting Twilight in absurd situations, and forcing her to endure all the suffering that follows. The slow boil of Twilight's growing frustration was fun to watch, especially when the stakes were so incredibly low.

Dat cover art tho...

Yay! Time to dive into another Ponibus Twilight story.:twilightsmile:

Oh Twilight, your life is never dull. Not even the mail is safe. But that's a good thing, because otherwise, we wouldn't be able to laugh at the schadenfreude story of your life.

Solid job with this, Poni.

This is a thing of beauty.

It's times like these where you just need to take a sanctified flamethrower to something.

Time to call in the Magic Corps, I suspect this mailbox is a Lawbreaker

This was...absolutely amazing. All of my likes.

It's all fun and games 'til you get sucked into a pocket dimension inhabited by a postage-possessing poltergeist.

Ah, mailbox baseball... a game as old as time. Mattie, meet Home Run.

“Nononono!” I shook my head. “Then we’d be repeating ourselves. And only madponies do the same thing over and over again and expect different results.”


:pinkiehappy: "Well duh, I put up a new non-haunted mailbox. What did you think happened?"
:twilightoops: "Oh that...that makes a lot of sense."

'Midnight Sparkle'
*looks around confusedly*

69th like.

I didn’t have much cause to raise zombies or unleash other undead nightmares

Much cause? :rainbowderp:

she didn’t seem particularly perturbed by her current predicament.

Alliteration fail - it should be her present predicament.

I only blew up the library’s basement ... a little bit. Those few times.

Maybe Twi should line the basement with Lego, for easier reconstruction.

Experimentalizing is so fun with you, Twilight!

Meanwhile, in a mature-rated fic ... :raritywink:

I tried not to think too hard about the image of Pinkie licking herself clean

... Later, in the same mature-rated fic ... :twilightblush:

Expanded Exorcisms Encyclopedia Eighth Edition (Expanded)

Edited by the Department of Redundancy Department. :twistnerd:

Mattie better hope that Twilight isn't still carrying a grudge now that she and her friends can directly channel the Rainbow of Harmony without the Elements. Then again perhaps her mind might be too clouded with anger when it comes to the mailbox to access the power properly.

This was the best thing ever! I don't know how you come up with these crazy situations but when you do everything works. The pacing, characters, and the absurdity of it all just meshed together into something far greater than just the sum of all of its parts. Some grammatical errors but nothing worth going crazy about.

Also, "backup exorcism kit" is now something I will reference endlessly. Twilight never stop being paranoid. :twilightsheepish:

"Pinkie ate my homework" probably is an acceptable excuse in Ponyville.

As Someone who works in a related field as Derpy, I approve this fic! :heart:

the quill store gives you a #3 by accident. It’s all downhill from there.

The horror!!! :raritycry:

Spike gave me a flat look as Pinkie hopped away. “Should I get the aspirin?”

“Yes, lots of it.” I rubbed at my forehead. “I have a feeling it’s going to be one of those days.”

I do not think this will be a mere "aspirin day" Twilight. You may need to break out the "Canterlot Gold: Celestia's Private Reserve. 40% ABV"

Not to mention it is highly illegal to use necromancy. Most of my knowledge on necromancy was pure extraoplation from fragments still legal to read about.

Eeenope! Not necromancy here!

I attempted to scan the mailbox more deeply—only for it to quickly swivel towards me and fire a rolled-up advertisement into my face.

Mattie snarled "Your mother licks stamps in the mailroom, Twilight, you purple princess!"

“Awww! It’s just a letter from the Princess of Freeport. Oooh, a letter from the Princess of Freeport, fancy!” She smoothly opened the letter and scanned the letter inside. “Twilight! If I just give this princess some money she’ll give me oodles of money back as thanks!”

Good day SIR/MADAM,


I am the financial controller for the Princes of Equestrian Freeport Gem Consortium (EFGC). I got your Contact address from an associate working with the Equestrian
Export Promotion Council. I and my colleagues are officials in charge of offshore remittance in this Corporation (EFGC).

We are seeking your assistance to transfer of Forty Two Million bits (EQ$42,000,000.00) to your account for further private investment.

This amount accrued from an over-invoiced contract amount for the construction of an Gem Refinery Sub- Stations in Griffon Confederacy in 988. The contract was valued for one Hundred and Twenty Seven Million Equestrian Bits (EQ$127,000,000.00), but we manipulated the figure to read one Hundred and Sixty Nine Million Equestrian Bits(EQ$169,000,000.00) The extra $42,000,000.00 is what we want to transfer now.

This contract has been completely executed and the contractors have been paid their contract less this $42,000,000.00. which is in a suspense account with the Griffon Great Eyrie Bank, the nations apex bank.

For your assistance, we have agreed to remunerate you with 15% because it is impossible for us to claim the amount without foreign collaboration. 5% has been mapped out for any miscellaneous expenses that may be incurred by either party during this business.

It may interest you to know that four years ago, we carried out a similar transaction with one Mr. Flim and Flam, the Presidents of Flaim International Cider Corporation at number 315 East 33rd Street, 28th Floor,Baltimare. Mr. Flim and Flam disappeared into thin air when
he received the money. This explains exactly why we will make a
concrete agreement between us, should you be willing to do this deal.

All modalities to effect the payment and subsequent transfer of this money have been worked out. This transaction is 100% risk free but requires 100 percent
confidentiality. You can rest assured that your security has been considered before you were contacted.

I await your urgent response.

Best Regards,

Barrister Salami Slice

“I think I’m going to try an exorcism on the mailbox to fix it.”

"The power of SPUSPS-STD-7B01 compels you! The power of SPUSPS-STD-7B01 compels you!"

(As a side note, I wonder if I can get an exorcism for my email box? I keep getting massive amounts of ads for "sexy happy fun teim" products in my inbox. That in and of itself would simply be merely annoying, but "they" keep getting my gender wrong. :ajbemused: )


Edited by the Department of Redundancy Department.

I do not think that is convoluted enough. How about the "Editing Department of Redundancy Department of Editors"?

4410370 Hey, according to the Laws of Magic, it's only illegal to use necromancy on humans threads ponies. She can raise herself up a zombie T-Rex dragon and be just fine. :pinkiehappy:

That was fantastic. Frustrated mad scientist Twilight is one of the best things about the Winningverse.

Can you write about the Mane 6 trying to figure out what's in those magazines Spike has in his collection?

This was glorious.

On top of the... everything... I (speaking as an unashamed Spike fan) rather like the idea he's already got the draconic damage-resistance to damage. (It sort of matches with the all the (apparently unoticed to them) superpowers ponies have.

I'm also going to have to imagine that the baseball bat is Home Run from Hard Reset. Because even if it isn't, it immediately made me think of that (and Hard Reset is pretty close to the Winningverse as universes go.)


Yes, please!

Poor Twilight, lost to a mailbox. If Discord saw that he would have laughed so hard he would have died.

Huh... hey, is this a winningverse fic? I see that it's in the group, yet the title/description doesn't indicate it as one. I mean, the story is 15k long, so I don't really feel up to diving into it if I don't know. :applejackunsure:

4411195 While I'm pretty sure it is, I think it would stand very nicely on its own for people unfamiliar with or uninterested in the Winningverse. The only thing that jumped out at me that connected it to the 'verse for certain is a particular name drop in the first few paragraphs.

4411195 It's consistent with the Winningverse, but the Winningverse attempts to be mostly consistent with the show anyway. It actually avoids mentioning a significant aspect unique to Winningverse canon that would be indirectly relevant to the situation.




I'll admit to referencing one of my own stories.


Alliteration failure corrected! Curse these ponies, they drive me to alliterate.

This. The story does give passing mention to a couple elements from the 'Verse (Midnight Sparkle, Freeport), but for the most part it's a story of Twilight and Pinkie dealing with an evil mailbox. Having Cloud Kicker fly through mid-scene to interrupt the plot just for an extra tie-in would have done the story a disservice. This isn't a story that needs or benefits from lots of connections to other continuity.


For some reason my writing seems well suited for crazy and absurd. Not sure what that says about me... :twilightoops:


It wouldn't be the craziest thing to happen in Ponyville. Or even my hometown...


I found this post to be 100% hilarious. Good to hear I have the approval of our poor belabored postal workers.


I do like to think him being a dragon does mean something. Plus I like to think it creates some interesting world building if I make Spike be damage resistance, and virtually immune to fire.

I'll admit to thinking about Home Run when I wrote that section.

A sequal might take a bit of time to write given I would like to clear a few other things off my plate. Given the sequal will likely be something like 50k long. It's certainly something I want to do, but I want to square a few other writing projects out of the way before I get myself into another commitment.

4411195 4411594 4411319 4412408

Pretty much what the others said. Except for a couple minor references, the story is pretty much a complete stand alone and you don't need to read any other stories to enjoy and understand it. It's not specifically a WPverse story, but it can fit into WPverse canon without issues. It frankly didn't need any WPverse canon to tell its story, so I didn't do so.

In short, it's meant to be enjoyed by a wider audience, and not just those who like my WPverse stuff.

I LOVE that cover art!

This was an absolute delight to read. You captured the characters so well in the situation you put them in, that I could easily imagine this as an episode! I hope to see more from this-- great work! :raritystarry:

This is the kind of story that deserves to become a regular episode in the show.:pinkiehappy:

this was absolutly amazing!:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

My ear twitched. “Hiii, Pinkie.”
Pinkie smiled as though nothing was wrong, which was good, because absolutely nothing was wrong. “So are you here to help me wait for Dashie’s letter?”
I screamed and ran.

Just...just YES!

As others have noted, this stands on all four legs by itself, and indeed when I read it I had not a thought to which if any AU it might belong in.

I just realized this is 15k words long. Now, what in the godly hell is a haunted mailbox going to do over this amount of words? I guess it is time to find out. If I don't come out alive, I will pass on all the stories I currently edit to you. It has been a pleasure and good luck.

I'm waiting for the sequel. All horror stories have to have sequels. It's in the rules.

The letter demon manifestation should have been sent to Celestia.

4417440 It´s very loosely tied to Winning Verse, Twilight mentions her ancestor Midnight from Midnight’s Shadow fic. Midnight’s Shadow is taking place in Winning Verse in Lunar Rebelion era, one of three main storylines in WV.

The power of Celestia compels you!
The power of Luna compels you!
In the name of Faust, Moochchick and Majesty, begone from this mailbox!

Totally one of the best fanfics I've read in a while, and probably the best that matches the show to a T. It's all-ages, each character is spot-on, there are no off-color elements that would fail studio/network approval, I could easily picture all the visuals you described, and if condensed to script format, it would probably roll out to 22 minutes.

Besides your accuracy in that regard, what really strikes me is that you managed a 15K word count for a story that essentially takes place in a single location (briefly using a second corporeal set for padding and an abstract set for the climax) while keeping things interesting and entertaining. Very much like a stage performance.

Pretty awesome all around. I'm surprised it didn't stay in the Feature Box for a few more days.

4412408 We must have read different stories. I read one about Twilight and Spike dealing with a haunted mailbox. They were the team here; Pinkie only supplied the MacGuffin, exposition, and additional conflict.

Hilarious tale. It took me quite a while, but I finally finished this.

“And a pegasus crashing hot spot,” Derpy pointed out. “Trust me, all the pegasi complain about how the library seems to just suck them in. Just about every other pegasus in town has crashed into the library at some point in their lives.”

*Gasp* She's right, even Twilight did it in the Season 4 Premiere!:derpyderp2:

For a minute all I could do was stare in horror at myself and the sticky green gunk that.

That... what?

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